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Old 10-10-2010, 08:20 AM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
2,349 posts, read 2,194,735 times
Reputation: 2956
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Neither the OP nor other posters here are talking about infants. They're talking about toddlers and older children.
The poster right above me was talking about infants, but I believe a NEED is still being expressed.

To determine for someone else whether what they're requesting is a want or need, and base your response on that, is highly insulting, and will get in the way of a deeply close, trusting relationship.

To automatically turn a child's request down because they're a child doesn't acknowledge that they're people in their own right. If cosleeping truly doesn't work for the OP, and a mattress in the same room doesn't work, talk with the child about possible solutions. Kids are incredibly creative and "outside the box" thinkers. "Mommy can't sleep when you're in my bed, and I need my rest. Can you think of ideas so I can get sleep?" It's not limited to two options.

I can't imagine any child, anywhere, who would say, "Hey, maybe I can cry for a few nights until I recognize that you won't listen to me." Children are people, real people. Listen to what they're saying!

I do think helping them to sleep in their own room, then stepping out is certainly worth a try! But if the child is very resistant to that idea, a NEED is being expressed.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
Babies do need to learn to self sooth, but that does not need to happen when an infant is first born.
Babies don't NEED to learn that; a child will grow into that, if they are supported and nurtured. Again, what you think you're teaching a child and what they're learning are often worlds apart.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:34 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,979 posts, read 4,976,254 times
Reputation: 19106
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteGal View Post
An infant crying it out doesn't learn to self-soothe; they learn that their parents - the people to whom they rely on for life itself, at that stage - are not there for them.

I think so many of these responses are indicative of dis-connected people. Close, supportive connection with parents leads to MORE independence later on, when the child is ready to move on. Most co-sleeping kids move to their own beds around 3 or so; if your child is reluctant, perhaps they have a larger need for connection. Meet that need NOW, and they won't carry that huge unmet need around with them.

Make sure they are getting plenty of true, present, connected time with you through the day - not with you distracted by the phone or computer or chores, but true presence, just BEing with your child.

Some articles here:

peaceful parenting: The Science of Attachment: Biological Roots of Love

HANDOUT - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies (http://askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp - broken link)

Cry it Out (CIO) - Atachment Parenting - Leave Baby to Cry (this one has a popup "join this site", but you can close that window)


I would listen to your child's needs, and put a separate mattress in the room. Maybe you can ask your husband to try it out on a trial basis. It won't last forever! My 11 and 17 year old no longer sleep with me! LOL This time of intense neediness is short, and if you meet the needs, it won't last forever.

One thing that helped me keep perspective is that I had a friend whose child died when she was just 5 years old. EVERY moment with that child was precious to the mom, and she was so glad she learned about attachment parenting, and had a close, loving relationship with her daughter. She was grateful for every night she got to snuggle with her, a short time that passed all too quickly.
I totally disagree with the highlighted statement, but then that's just my take on it. MOST of the statements made are from people with their own personal experiences, how they handled the situation, how they WISH they'd handled the situation. Not all children are the same, but parents who choose to enforce parameters for the good, in the long run, are NOT disconnected parents. That's like saying parents are disconnected if they "abandon" their child at a daycare to go to work. After all, the child is begging and pleading with them to PLEASE stay here with me...don't leave me mommy!! .....or the abandoning parent who drops their child off at preschool, who won't stay there with them every day.

There is something to be said for teaching children that nothing bad is going to happen to them if they sleep in their own beds. They wake up in the morning...no monster has gotten them, they DID it!! They're a big boy and girl...and wow, mommy and daddy are in such happy moods....such rewards and big hugs are being given. It's a win/win situation.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:43 AM
 
21 posts, read 34,207 times
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wow - i was offline for one day and i cant believe all the posts!!

I agree
-this is a hot issue with alot of mom's
-some children are sleepers and others are not
-mom's are the boss and kids need to learn that
-my son knows what he can get away with
-i suffered/suffer still PPD but never acknowledged it or dealt with it
-i am not able to be the mom i want to be during the day because what i go thru at nite
-just giving in to lay with him is the easy way out
etc, etc.

Yes, my son goes to sleep very late (9:00-9:30) and i have to lay with him. EVERY nite - I intend on getting up but am so exhausted from lack of sleep, sometimes I end up staying in his bed until about 2-3 am. I then try to sneak out sometimes unsuccessfully. he's come to rely on me...if i move he wakes up.

I've talked to other moms but when they let their children cry it out - it lasted 5-10 minutes. for me it was 2 hours with throw up all over the sheets/bed, i tend to agree that all children are not alike.

I realize that it's gone too far (FOR ME) and was hoping that someone would have a secretly easy approach. BUT i see that there is none. All of your comments are helpful no matter if I agree/disagree and that is the best thing about CD... many people + many points of view = alot "REAL" information.

thanks again to EVERYONE!!!
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:50 AM
 
4,267 posts, read 2,854,836 times
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outtanyc, Could your son co-sleep in bed with your 2 year old? I have a couple of friends who's kids went from co-sleeping with Mom and Dad to sharing a bed with a sibling. Just a thought.

I totally understand what you are saying about your son crying for 2 hours and then throwing up. I know some kids settle down on their own after a short time and others who don't, my dd sounds a lot like your ds.

Best of luck!
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Old 10-10-2010, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
2,349 posts, read 2,194,735 times
Reputation: 2956
Quote:
Originally Posted by 121804 View Post
You state you need him in his bed. Well, after FOUR yrs of never being req'd to so, he is just not going to do it so easily.
It sounds like the OP's situation is quite out of the ordinary, but I want to point out that for the vast majority of cosleeping families, the kids do transition into their own beds easily and without fuss.
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Old 10-10-2010, 09:46 AM
 
3,842 posts, read 6,581,857 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteGal View Post
It sounds like the OP's situation is quite out of the ordinary, but I want to point out that for the vast majority of cosleeping families, the kids do transition into their own beds easily and without fuss.
If cosleeping has been done for the right reasons & in the proper way, most transitions should be ok.
But for parents who have done it to pacify THEIR needs or b/c they just do not want to deal, there could be some serious issues.

The situation the OP described is that she wants some space & sleep.

The child is upset over this need of his moms & still wants his needs taken care of regardless of her b/c children are by nature very self-centered.
[this is common in parenting beyond cosleeping issues]

Mom doesn't need to scream, yell, lecture, threaten scare. Mom needs to be calm & confident that she is in control & believes that the separation will benefit both of them.

Until parent gets to that point, though, the child is still in control, parent is still upset & the situation goes on another night & parent is still tired & emotionally drained.
.
There are various websites out there that are far better on such issues as cosleeping or hopefully OP has a friend who can help w/ suggestions. I have a friend who is very nonmainstream & she has shed some very interesting light on such issues on such issues as attached parenting, homeschooling, cosleeping, immunizations, weaning, and so on. Doesn't mean I always agree w/ her, but she has educated me.

OP has stated she wants the child to move on to his own space. OP then needs to be firm, which can be done in a loving way, & consistent. To continue to pacify the situation will do nothing more than confuse the child and reinforce he can sleep w/ mom & she has no needs.

There are seasons of parenting that are not easy & led us to having a heavy heart when we look at our children. But, it is not fair at all to not set down boundaries and needs at a young age. The OPs child will be fine. He may not be happy, but in time, he will be fine.

Last edited by 121804; 10-10-2010 at 10:01 AM..
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Old 10-10-2010, 09:47 AM
 
41,341 posts, read 45,359,696 times
Reputation: 26683
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan View Post
This is why I became very careful about who I got my advice from. Typically, parents of easy babies (the gold standard) or babies who prefer to sleep on their own or babies whose cries did not escalate, often say, "I never co-slept, I was consistent, I was firm." And parents who did let their baby CIO for hours or weeks were people who could not help me anyway.

There is a saying that is typical, "don't let your world revolve around children." When we ignored this, many of our friends dropped like flies. Any new friends who could not convince me to take their advice dropped like flies. The ones left over or who continued to support me have been some of the best women I have ever met.

Now that I have experienced real support, I see I had kept bad support for company in the past.

What I want is what I got.
I'll agree that there is a big difference between parents who put their children in cribs in their own bedrooms from day one and parents who chose to co-sleep for a few years.

My son was not an easy baby. It was simply too uncomfortable for me to have him in my bed because he wanted much more space than a two month old should need. It wasn't that he didn't want to be there. I simply chose to continue to follow my sister's advice----realizing if this wasn't comfortable for me when he was a little two month old baby, it sure wouldn't be comfortable for me years later.

After the colic was over, he ended up with constant ear infections every month until we put tubes in his ears at a year old. Some nights when the pain was too bad, he and I would sleep on the sectional sofa sitting up because laying down caused him too much pain. I had huge sofa pillows propped around us and he was between me and the pillows. He'd sleep peacefully because he was sitting up. I slept out of exhaustion.

There are those of us who never co-slept but know the experiences our siblings had weaning their children from co-sleeping. I'm sorry you lost friendships over this. I never had to end friendships for having differences of opinions in parenting. I had friends who had different opinions about how to take care of babies, but I never stopped being their friends. I can't imagine what that would be like.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:02 AM
 
4,267 posts, read 2,854,836 times
Reputation: 3579
Quote:
Originally Posted by 121804 View Post
If cosleeping has been done for the right reasons & in the proper way.
What do you mean by this? ETA: Nevermind, I see you edited and added to your post.

Most of my friends who co-slept have had very little problems getting their children into their own rooms and own beds, some were ready at 2 or 3 and others 4 or 5. Some just need more time then others. My dd is 4 and is still not ready for the transition. I suspect she'll be in our bed for at least another year. The close the door, say goodnight and let them cry thing won't work for every kid. Just like co-sleeping won't work for every kid.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:05 AM
 
3,842 posts, read 6,581,857 times
Reputation: 3113
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dorthy View Post
What do you mean by this?

Most of my friends who co-slept have had very little problems getting their children into their own rooms and own beds, some were ready at 2 or 3 and others 4 or 5. Some just need more time then others. My dd is 4 and is still not ready for the transition. I suspect she'll be in our bed for at least another year. The close the door, say goodnight and let them cry thing won't work for every kid. Just like co-sleeping won't work for every kid.
Read the next line of the post
If a parent cosleeps to only meet their needs & b/c it stops the child from whining, etc, that is not a good reason.

edit: ok, glad you saw
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:06 AM
 
Location: Canada
3,435 posts, read 1,030,208 times
Reputation: 2186
Quote:
Originally Posted by 121804 View Post
Nope, to this Christian, it was darn right hysterical & well put.
It's a slang term & no one takes it literally unless they are uber conservative Christian & then they wouldn't be on this site spilling their life stories & "badges of honor" for all to read.
I found it offensive. Different people find different things offensive. I'm glad you found the reference to Jesus dying on the cross funny though.
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