Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hey LM, I generally agree with you on parenting issues, but am finding myself a bit today.
If I had a child who was close to graduating but was failing classes and lying to me about things, I would be very hesitant to send her off to college at the cost of $18,000 for a year to see if she was ready. Even if it were her dream to be a psychologist and I knew she was capable of it, I'd tell her that based on performance so far, she'd need to spend a year at community college to show that she was mature enough to do the work and take care of herself. I certainly don't consider that smothering. If she got into another college and had a way to pay for it herself, I'd be thrilled and supportive. But otherwise, no.
I would not limit television or cell phone use for a 17-year-old, but would gradually increase driving destinations, depending on how long she has been driving.
She's in school clubs and has had boyfriends. It's not like she doesn't leave the house. I agree that the OP needs to turn loose of her a bit, but he doesn't sound particularly smothering or overbearing to me.
He came here asking for some advice and for some reason, people seem ready to jump down his throat.
Thank you.
regarding the driving: she is a good driver around town, but has very limited experience on the interstate. I took her to rural areas a few times to get used to on/off and the speed and she is still tepid. We live near a heavily traveled E-W route. It's not like riding a bike down a hill the first time.
We agree more than disagree And hopefully you don't think I've actually "jumped down his throat", I sure don't!
What I've said is that in an attempt to save her from her self distructive path he is trying to control her onto a better one, and that just will not work.
I don't think he's "smothering" her. I just think he's misguided in his attempts to help her.
She obviously feels so little control over her own life and destiny that she IS controlling what she has the power to - her weight and her lying. Frequently when people feel micromanaged they strike back by not giving the manager what they want from them in passive aggressive ways - like lying.
Once they move out of a parent-child relationship into a a healthier mentor-mentoree one things will improve.
She wasn't controlling her weight because of me. She wanted to become infertile so she couldn't have children becasue she was afraid she wouldn't love them because this is what her mother told her.
She wasn't controlling her weight because of me. She wanted to become infertile so she couldn't have children becasue she was afraid she wouldn't love them because this is what her mother told her.
And how have I micromanaged her life?
And yes, you did jump down my throat.
I am sorry you feel I "jumped down your throat".
I explained that the way you worded your comment about "sitting with her while she does her homework" stunned me and I reacted to that.
It is very unusual and would be considered extremely controlling for a parent to sit with a with senior in high school every day and watch her do her homework. You provided more info that changed the picture (you were just trying to tutor her in one subject you have great knowledge in) and I already said that made more sense.
And I didn't say she was controlling her weight because of you, I just said she was doing it because it is one of the few things she obviously feels she has ANY control over at all.
Imagine how awful it must be for her to think she is destined to become her mother. That alone would make her feel very controlled and angry.
Trying to "parent" a young person this age IS micromanaging them.
I would agree that with only a 2.0 GPA and no real showing of motivation on her part that sending her to a university would not be a good plan.
But there is plenty of time between now and next fall to help her feel empowered and capable of attempting college. I hope SadDad gets some help doing just that
If she is motivated then there is no issue. That is why I, the controlling person that I am, TOLD her to apply.
Hopefully the therapist will help.
I have tried many things many times. Hopefully there not being a free ride will help. It wasn't until 6 months ago that we finally got to the root (i.e. her mother's comments and actions. Believe me, and I know you probably won't, there is a lot more that her mother did that only became known recently.)
I have been avaialble (again the smothering person I am) and have helped her with study techniques. But I thought this was bad? So which is it?
I am trying to help her, but being called every name in the book because I just don;t just throw here into the breeze and let her figure it out is not "advise". It's jumping down my throat and making believe your opinion can fit nicely into a situation where there is a very counterproductive and destructive NCP. Since that was in my original post I just figured everyone read that.
She wanted to become infertile so she couldn't have children becasue she was afraid she wouldn't love them because this is what her mother told her.
Whoa.
We just moved past "advice from people on the internet" to something much more serious. Go find your wallet and your keys. She REALLY needs to be on time for that therapy appointment this evening.
I explained that the way you worded your comment about "sitting with her while she does her homework" stunned me and I reacted to that.
It is very unusual and would be considered extremely controlling for a parent to sit with a with senior in high school every day and watch her do her homework. You provided more info that changed the picture (you were just trying to tutor her in one subject you have great knowledge in) and I already said that made more sense.
And I didn't say she was controlling her weight because of you, I just said she was doing it because it is one of the few things she obviously feels she has ANY control over at all.
Imagine how awful it must be for her to think she is destined to become her mother. That alone would make her feel very controlled and angry.
Trying to "parent" a young person this age IS micromanaging them.
You implied she is controlling her weight because of me. And what exactly else do I control? She's in clubs, goes to rock concerts, 6 Flags, has boyfriends, friends (some), picks her own clothes, picked her church, has parties, goes to parties.
I TOLD her to apply to keep her options open. She asked, I answered. What was the proper "mentoring" there?
She's not ready for college as of now. Sending her is an invitation to disaster. Is proper mentoring letting her have her dreams crushed? Especially after the dreams of having a mother were crushed, twice.
She's not ready for the interstate. We've gone on rural stretches a few times. She's still not ready.
I'll say it again, because you just don't seem to get it -
THE TIME FOR PARENTING HAS PASSED.
Do you really think that under the circumstances "the time for parenting" is over? Really? Do you really think that she is the typical teenager? Really? Well, as I've said many times - she's not.
We just moved past "advice from people on the internet" to something much more serious. Go find your wallet and your keys. She REALLY needs to be on time for that therapy appointment this evening.
Yes, we will be.
I came here to shotgun for ideas. It's the any port in a storm idea. I got one or two. But many here seem to think it is fine to just send her to the wolves and she'll figure it out. It's not the same situation as other teens.
Do you really think that under the circumstances "the time for parenting" is over? Really? Do you really think that she is the typical teenager? Really? Well, as I've said many times - she's not.
You are too hypersensitive to really take any advice here - and that's probably to be expected given your extreme circumstances.
I wish you the best with the new therapist, and please try hard to not be too defensive when they give you their professional opinion and advice.
You are too hypersensitive to really take any advice here - and that's probably to be expected given your extreme circumstances.
I wish you the best with the new therapist, and please try hard to not be too defensive when they give you their professional opinion and advice.
you seem to believe that every child fits into a cookie cutter. they all have the same experiences. That a child with a dysfunctional mother has the same age 17 needs as one that doesn't. And they both stand the same chance of success and will handle defeat in exactly the same way. Perhaps you need to keep your opinions to yourself.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
a bit today. 
And hopefully you don't think I've actually "jumped down his throat", I sure don't!
