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Old 10-26-2010, 11:39 AM
 
1,964 posts, read 2,750,364 times
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Mountains, cool it! He`s asking for help, not your self-righteous attitude... I don`t get why people can`t be nice when they give advice. Why do some of you have such a problem with that???
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Old 10-26-2010, 11:41 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,095 posts, read 56,964,608 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
You need to take it one step at a time.

Biggest problem: Your daughter tells you she wants you to leave her? Red light flashing. Make sure the counselor know about this. She has no self-worth. Not good at all.

Her mother: If you are correct in your own diagnosis she isn't stable. Your daughter, who has enough problems, has contact with her and starts acting out even more. Not a bit surprising. Find out what she and Mom talked about. If you have any relationship with "Mom" talk to her yourself. You need to find out what "Mom" said to your daughter the last time they had an extended conversation.

College: She's 17 and you are already thinking grad school? I'd be thinking Community College and test the waters on how she does in that environment.

Grandfather: If they were close and she recently died she's in grief. He lived in her home. She doesn't have a lot of friends. Grandpa was probably a FRIEND. She's lost someone close, was talking with Mom who has her own problems and all of that put together? I'd get a little out of whack myself. Plus there was this whole other family in the picture for a while. Your home has been as stable as water.

Inpatient care: Talk with a professional yourself before you even think about that. (Unless you are a licensed psychologist/psychiatrist yourself.) You need help on sorting out your daughter's problems and why she has them.

Finally, were she my daughter, I'd put her in a group therapy/counseling session with teens her age with similar problems. She doesn't have a lot of friends. She'll make them in a group setting, even if she meets with them just once a week. She doesn't have many people to talk to. She lost grandpa who probably actually listened to her. She'll be exposed to other people her age and (hopefully) a good group leader to guide the soul-purging discussions. She'll also get help from the group and the leader on how to deal with things.

Slow, small steps. This isn't going to be solved in a week. And find a counselor who will see you and your daughter. Separately and together. Best of luck!
Great post and great advice

SadDad definitely needs to see the therapist alone. Daughter is not the only one with issues that need individual attention. Some professional guidance for him could go a long way toward benefiting his daughter, as he seems so alone in what he is facing.
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Old 10-26-2010, 11:43 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,095 posts, read 56,964,608 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cl723 View Post
Mountains, cool it! He`s asking for help, not your self-righteous attitude... I don`t get why people can`t be nice when they give advice. Why do some of you have such a problem with that???

Please know I AM trying to help

I have said what he needs to hear as nicely as possible, even stating that I am most certainly not trying to be rude.

It is unfortunate that tone of voice in the written word cannot always be detected accurately.
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Old 10-26-2010, 11:50 AM
 
7,672 posts, read 8,116,669 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SadDad View Post
Rather than threaten her with punishment, why don't you both seek some counseling, either individually, or together? You need to learn how to deal with your almost adult daughter in a way that doesn't involve threats and criticism

1) She has been lying for 6 years.

2) we have been in therapy 3x, starting with a new therapist tonight.

3) I do not threaten her and criticize her. This is the forst time there are real consequences for her actions, and the last time this happened these are the consequences we spoke of. I give her a lot of positive reinforcement. But she cannot go through life lying 24/7, and she is way too good a person with too many talents to throw away.
I apologize. I gathered that things have been tense between you two and thought perhaps you were very harsh when you discovered her lies.

At this point, I think counseling is your best bet. She's a little old to have privileges taken away, although I wouldn't begrudge you making her pay for some of her things like phone and gas if she's able to start working.

It's obvious that you love her and want the best for her, but it may involve turning loose of her so that she can find her own way. If you don't think she's old enough to go away to college, she can go to community college, but you're going to have to let her succeed or fail on her own. If she flunks out, tell her that she can work and pay for the next semester and if she passes, you'll reimburse her.

Good luck with the therapy.
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Old 10-26-2010, 11:50 AM
 
324 posts, read 222,402 times
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--Biggest problem: Your daughter tells you she wants you to leave her? Red light flashing. Make sure the counselor know about this. She has no self-worth. Not good at all.

I know. The last one knew. The issue with the last one is accessability / difficulty to get appointments.


Her mother: the recent call was brief. She basically fealt bad for her mom and called.


College: She wants to research personality as such would need a PhD. She's in the top 10% easily in standardized testing and does quite well when she applies herself. If her grades do not improve then a job and CC until she shows herself ready. I do not want her to jeopardize her ultimate dream.



----Grandfather: If they were close and she recently died she's in grief. He lived in her home. She doesn't have a lot of friends. Grandpa was probably a FRIEND. She's lost someone close, was talking with Mom who has her own problems and all of that put together? I'd get a little out of whack myself. Plus there was this whole other family in the picture for a while. Your home has been as stable as water.

her maternal GPs are also part of the problem in that htey completely ignore her.

---Inpatient care: Talk with a professional yourself before you even think about that. (Unless you are a licensed psychologist/psychiatrist yourself.) You need help on sorting out your daughter's problems and why she has them.

I am not, it wopuld be discussed with a therapist firsthand.

---Finally, were she my daughter, I'd put her in a group therapy/counseling session with teens her age with similar problems. She doesn't have a lot of friends. She'll make them in a group setting, even if she meets with them just once a week. She doesn't have many people to talk to. She lost grandpa who probably actually listened to her. She'll be exposed to other people her age and (hopefully) a good group leader to guide the soul-purging discussions. She'll also get help from the group and the leader on how to deal with things.

Thank you. I'll ask about a group tonight. That was my reasoning for inpatient, the group settings. I did not now where else to look.


---Slow, small steps. This isn't going to be solved in a week. And find a counselor who will see you and your daughter. Separately and together. Best of luck!

thanks for some advise.
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Old 10-26-2010, 11:51 AM
 
1,964 posts, read 2,750,364 times
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We need to be humble when giving advice to anyone because none of us are God and there is always so much more to the problem than we even know what to do. We need to remember that everybody has made mistakes and we are just as human as those we give advise to.
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Old 10-26-2010, 11:53 AM
 
324 posts, read 222,402 times
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--I apologize. I gathered that things have been tense between you two and thought perhaps you were very harsh when you discovered her lies.

no, it has grown over time. This is not the first time. IT has been going on for years. She failed a few courses last year as a junior. I hoped that would be a wake up call. But it wasn't.
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Old 10-26-2010, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,095 posts, read 56,964,608 times
Reputation: 38293
Quote:
Originally Posted by cl723 View Post
We need to be humble when giving advice to anyone because none of us are God and there is always so much more to the problem than we even know what to do. We need to remember that everybody has made mistakes and we are just as human as those we give advise to.
Good points, I agree

I tend to be overzealous when it comes to issues surrounding kids because I care so much about them. And I admit to having little tolerance for parents who can't see the obvious.

But SadDad is reaching out for help and I applaud him for that and apologize if I sounded too harsh. I was truly just incredulous when he said he sits with her to do her homework. Most parenting experts would tell you the time for that was over in about the 6th grade.
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Old 10-26-2010, 12:01 PM
 
783 posts, read 1,287,453 times
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LOL. SadDad doesn't want help, he wants someone to tell him he's right.

Dude... she's going away whether you like it or not. You cannot stop her from lying, having sex, failing classes or anything else. She has to be given the chance to learn, and that doesn't mean YOU controlling her more. She's not a two year old reaching for the stove.

Get over it. It really sounds like you are your daughter's worse problem right now.
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Old 10-26-2010, 12:02 PM
 
324 posts, read 222,402 times
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--- If she flunks out, tell her that she can work and pay for the next semester and if she passes, you'll reimburse her.

The school she wants to go to accepts 24+ ACT; she scored 29 so she is in. I told her to apply and get the admission. If she straightens up with her studying she can go, but if not then CC until she does. I wanted to give her something concrete to work towrads.
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