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Old 10-26-2010, 12:55 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,782 posts, read 56,081,966 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chicagojlo View Post
Honestly I think your daughter needs professional help (which she is getting) and possibly meds. You should also look into some kind of support group for the children of parents with psychiatric disorders, you could probably find one online if the therapist doesn't have a recommendation.

She seems to be on a path of self-destruction, slowly but surely. I don't think you should flat out refuse to allow her to go to school but you should let her know that you think she would benefit more from being healthy in mind when she takes such a big step in life. I think you need to work with her counselor to find a way for college to always be on the table, but conditional on her being ready for it.

As for the schoolwork - I was the same in school. I could ace every test without needing to study and just gave up trying. You might want to look into getting her more challenging work.

Some of the most brilliantly academically gifted people I know are total wrecks with mental and emotional issues.

Simply having a high IQ never gaurentees success and happiness in life.

There is no question this kid has issues - not the least of which is her gene pool.

But there are several layers to what is going on here - including Dad's desparation to save her thru his attempts to control her.

I am hoping that among other things the therapist helps SadDad to understand it is time for him to move from the parent role in his daughters life to a mentor role.

And mentors don't attempt to control - they lead by example while giving emotional support in everything.
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Old 10-26-2010, 12:57 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,782 posts, read 56,081,966 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteGal View Post
I was an A student, who could have had scholarships, etc., but I started flunking, not doing assignments, etc. when I was in jr. high.

What I really wish someone had done for me was 1) Be there for me, without controlling me. 2) Let me know the *potential* consequences of my actions, then support the choices *I* made, without being overly invested - i.e., have it mean something about *them*.

Unconditional support, information, freedom to make choices, support even if I screwed up. THAT would have done the most to help me grow, help me find myself.

How would you treat a very good friend if they were going through what your daughter is going through? Can you treat your daughter this way? Can you offer your support, unconditionally? Can you step back, give her the space to find out what SHE wants?

Have you asked your daughter, "What do YOU want?"


So well said!! I hope he reads your post at least 3 times
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Old 10-26-2010, 12:59 PM
 
1,964 posts, read 2,712,932 times
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mountain, most so-called parenting experts do not even know what heck they are talking about.
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Old 10-26-2010, 01:02 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 3,269,602 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SadDad View Post
---Because you are playing with her education based off of what you view as probabilities. You have to let her get on that bike and fall off...and get back on. And i am giving you advice...back off some and let her grow as an adult. Her weight can have several factors but if you have a poor diet or you yourself is overweight she won't have much motivation to lose it. You never answered me on that so i might be wrong on that.


we eat healthy. there are no soda or chips. salads and vegetables. low fat meats.

I am overweight. I am type 1 diabetic for 10 years. My weight, after the initial plummet to 150 (I am 6'4") has increased over time. This is due to a variety of issues related to hormonal issues with the diabetes (thyroid). I have been put on symalin to control glucose release which should help. I also have a severley deviated septum and severe apnea. I sleep at most 2 hours a night. I have surgery scheduled for the septum which should allow me to use the CPAC machine. I need foot surgery (elongated middle toes have been broken many times and connot wear shoes). I eat healthy with good portion control.

Well she is eating junk somewhere then which you need to find out where i think. And even though you have an excuse on why, kids often just see the result and say "dads overweight so why should i lose it".
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Old 10-26-2010, 01:04 PM
 
1,964 posts, read 2,712,932 times
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I`m still reading posts by people who feel the need to bash the op. Why bother to post if you`re going to bash? The op is having a hard enough time dealing with this situation. He doesn`t need jerks bashing him.
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Old 10-26-2010, 01:04 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,782 posts, read 56,081,966 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cl723 View Post
mountain, most so-called parenting experts do not even know what heck they are talking about.
Plenty of them do A general consensus is what you are looking for when you look for advice from them.

It also helps to ask parents who have successfully navigated these kinds of waters what strategy's worked for them - which I assume SadDad is attempting do here.
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Old 10-26-2010, 01:06 PM
 
324 posts, read 218,882 times
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---If she is eating healthy then why is she so overweight?

PCOS

---I am done with this thread as it is obvious you are looking for nothing more then a pat on the back telling you that you are the worlds greatest dad who does no wrong.Nothing you did as a father contributes to it, and there is always an answer or an excuse.

the only thing you ever said was how bad a parent i was and how controlling i was. You answer to everything is "let them go and find their way". Well, if you haven't been paying attention her mother and maternal GPs don't give a rip about her. If I just let her go then how would that be viewed by her? Another abandonment maybe? Yes I've made mistakes. I don't want to make another. But telling me to just walk away and make sure she moves AWAY from me - well, how is that advise?
Once they're 18 doesn't mean they're magically ready for everything, does it?
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Old 10-26-2010, 01:08 PM
 
324 posts, read 218,882 times
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cl723 - thanks
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Old 10-26-2010, 01:11 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 16,853,763 times
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I may be terribly unpopular with this comment but here it goes...clearly your daughter is not capable of being in control of her responsibilities (not doing her work) and it sounds like this has become a habit since you state she this has been going on since middle school. She may need someone to teach her better study habits since her current approach has become rote activity at this point. If she asked for help with her work I would help her. I wouldn't do the work but I would definitely guide her.

If I may, what have the other counselors told you in the past? Sounds like she has a hard time setting goals for herself if she does not understand/care about turning her work in so I wonder if she is having trouble concentrating which can be a sign of depression....sounds like there have been a few situations in her life that would trigger some depression! Heck, being a teenager is hard enough without any other issues being added to the mix!

I truly hope you can find some answers for you and your daughter!
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Old 10-26-2010, 01:12 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,782 posts, read 56,081,966 times
Reputation: 37798
Quote:
Originally Posted by SadDad View Post
---.

the only thing you ever said was how bad a parent i was and how controlling i was. You answer to everything is "let them go and find their way". Well, if you haven't been paying attention her mother and maternal GPs don't give a rip about her. If I just let her go then how would that be viewed by her? Another abandonment maybe? Yes I've made mistakes. I don't want to make another. But telling me to just walk away and make sure she moves AWAY from me - well, how is that advise?
Once they're 18 doesn't mean they're magically ready for everything, does it?

I don't think anyone would say an 18 year old is "all grown up" or "magically ready for anything" - we all know better, lol.

And of course you don't "abandon" her in any way, shape or form.

You just need to change your tactics, that's all. Hopefully, your new therapist will help you do that
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