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I'm a married woman in my mid 30's. Been married almost 7 years, and we own our own home. For all practical purposes, we're ready to start a family. But I'm really on the fence. My hubby is ready to have kids, and we talk about this often. But I really feel I'm not ready yet, and although I'm doing a lot of research into parenthood, I feel that I can't take that first step to even see an OB/GYN for a pre-natal consultation. I feel like I need another 5 years or so to feel ready. On the other hand, the clock is starting to tick, since I'll be 35 soon, and I think that I am not ovulating every month anymore, so I wonder if I'll have trouble getting pregnant.
Some of my concerns include pregnancy itself (I don't think my body can handle it), concern about feeling alone and not having any family nearby to help once the baby is born (both sets of parents are a several hours' plane ride away), worry about balancing career and family (I just started a new career recently), concern about the number of hours my husband works now and how little together time we have now, and how that together time will be impacted by a new baby, and concern about not feeling settled here/like we have any roots here (we've only lived in our city for four years and emotionally I don't feel settled here at all--we have no roots here whatsoever and no sense of community). I also don't do well with lots of stress and my friends who have kids always seem stressed and exhausted all the time.
Another big concern is losing the sense of being a couple when you are preoccupied with the exhaustion and stress of having children. Keeping the romance in our marriage is important to me, and I worry about that decreasing dramatically after having children, as I know it often does.
I feel a lot of pressure to have kids (from my husband and socially, as I am the only one of my extended family to not have kids). I actually feel that my extended family is shunning me because I don't have kids--it's like I'm the outsider in a family-friendly club.
I feel like having a family is important to me, but on the other hand, I've never been one of those women who coos at babies and wants to hold them. I feel awkward around children--I don't think I am very maternal.
So emotionally I don't feel ready but physically I feel like I need to have a child soon. Though I feel that I should feel ready, and I know my husband is chomping at the bit.
It doesn't sound like you are emotionally ready to have a child. That being said I don't think anyone is 100% ready.
Why do you feel like your body can't handle pregnancy?
You do need to decide within another year or so as it will not be as easy conceiving after the age of 35 and then the OB's will classify you as advanced maternal age and offer a ton of tests.
Don't let anyone pressure you into having a child if you come to the conclusion that motherhood is just not for you.
Also you say you are not maternal but when you hold your own beautiful newborn baby in your arms you will experience a love like no other.
Good luck!
It doesn't sound like you are emotionally ready to have a child. That being said I don't think anyone is 100% ready.
Why do you feel like your body can't handle pregnancy?
You do need to decide within another year or so as it will not be as easy conceiving after the age of 35 and then the OB's will classify you as advanced maternal age and offer a ton of tests.
Yes, I am very aware about being advanced maternal age after 35 and so feel the need to get pregnant soon to avoid the barrage of tests with that.
Re: my body not being able to handle pregnancy, I've always felt like that. I have a couple of medical issues that I feel will respond poorly to pregnancy--and I am worried about how preg. will affect them. Also, I really don't want to go through all the medical testing that I'll need to do in order to be cleared for preg. Also, I feel that I can't handle the discomfort of 2nd and 3rd trimester pregnancy. I also worry that I'll have uncontrollable anxiety through all of pregnancy regarding the discomfort.
My motto is, "when if doubt, wait it out". If you're not ready, then you're not ready. However, I so strongly suggest that you have a good heart-to-heart talk with your husband about how you are feeling so that you two can come to a resolution. If your worries are mostly physical (your body), then maybe you can consider adoption?
I was 36 when I conceived my first and 37 when she was born. Yeah, they did offer me some extra prenatal testing, but I declined it. Now I''m in my 40s and due with my second in Feb. I did get the cvs testing this time, but no one 'made' me.
The odd thing is that this pregnancy is going much easier than my first. No issues with sugar or blood pressure or any of the other stuff that doctors like to scare us with.
I think you're over-thinking things a bit. Many parents don't have strong maternal feelings for other kids, or even know much about kids before they have their own. You'll figure it out, and will almost certainly feel very strongly about your own child.
On the other hand, don't have kids if you don't want them. It's true that balancing work and family is tough, and you will be tired.
As far as the community roots thing: I think that if you do have a child in your current city you will quickly become connected to it in a new way. Having a baby there will likely bind you to it in a new, and probably strong, way. That's the way we felt about where our son was born, anyway. Having a child somewhere often helps you to feel like you're putting down roots, even if you don't end up staying there permanently.
Don't feel pressured into making a life-changing decision that you're not ready to make, but also don't feel like things have to be perfect before you decide to have a child. You can never really know what to expect in advance; your marriage could become far stronger with a baby in the picture, or could be strained. You could feel that your city truly becomes "home" and you are, as a result, much happier, OR you could feel yourself missing having family around. You could find that your career is hurt and you don't care, or you could find that your career is hurt and you do care, or you could find that you are able to successfully balance both family and work. You can try to guess and plan all you want, but until it happens, it's all just a guess.
As far as concerns about your body handling it, I wouldn't worry about that until you talk to your doctor. Pregnancy can be rough, but most people make it through without problems. Your doctor could advise you on specific issues.
Can you envision a life without ever having children? If not, then maybe you should try to relax and go for it now. If you think that it would be okay with you to not have children, then consider waiting. Adoption at a later age could also be an option.
Once you (hypothetically) have kids, you understand what people mean when they say, "There's really nothing you can do to prepare; if you wait until everything's perfect, you'll never do it", etc. It's all true!
While I would never encourage anyone to have kids who doesn't want them, if you're close to yes, I'd say go for it.
When we moved to Denver, I felt like we had no connection to the community. We didn't go to church, didn't do many of the "organized" things that you do to meet people. We bought a house in the burbs (suburban city) and had a baby sooner than we had thought possible, as we were going through infertility studies. We might have done things a little differently if we'd known we were going to have a child so soon, but we didn't know that and things worked out fine. Unless your financial situation is very precarious, you will find a way to live on one income until you can work again. Having kids puts you into a whole different lifestyle, the likes of which you had no idea existed before. I met people in my babysitting co-op who are still good friends. I got invited to join the co-op through a mom's group I went to looking for "something to do".
all the things you fear will happen. You will be tired, you will have problems balancing career and motherhood, you will be uncomfortable during pregnancy and child birth hurts...All are facts.
Yet women all over the world actively make the choice to do this crazy ting....become a mother.
At least you are honest admitting you are not sure. It is important to discuss all your concerns with DH and maybe even family councelor. Anybody who pressures you into having kids is not your good friend. But many will tell you it is the best decision they ever made.
Too bad we don't have the window of opportunity most men have. But we don't so within the next few years you should definitely make up your mind.
We have 3 daughters (all adopted) and I've taught them from day one they can be fulfilled, happy women without getting married or having children. But for me it was so important. We went thru years of tests, surgeries and treatments when we finally had our son. But all that pregnancy stuff was not worth it to us to try to grow our familly so we adopted 3 girls. I love them all equally....
I'm a married woman in my mid 30's. Been married almost 7 years, and we own our own home. For all practical purposes, we're ready to start a family. But I'm really on the fence. My hubby is ready to have kids, and we talk about this often. But I really feel I'm not ready yet, and although I'm doing a lot of research into parenthood, I feel that I can't take that first step to even see an OB/GYN for a pre-natal consultation. I feel like I need another 5 years or so to feel ready. On the other hand, the clock is starting to tick, since I'll be 35 soon, and I think that I am not ovulating every month anymore, so I wonder if I'll have trouble getting pregnant.
Some of my concerns include pregnancy itself (I don't think my body can handle it), concern about feeling alone and not having any family nearby to help once the baby is born (both sets of parents are a several hours' plane ride away), worry about balancing career and family (I just started a new career recently), concern about the number of hours my husband works now and how little together time we have now, and how that together time will be impacted by a new baby, and concern about not feeling settled here/like we have any roots here (we've only lived in our city for four years and emotionally I don't feel settled here at all--we have no roots here whatsoever and no sense of community). I also don't do well with lots of stress and my friends who have kids always seem stressed and exhausted all the time.
Another big concern is losing the sense of being a couple when you are preoccupied with the exhaustion and stress of having children. Keeping the romance in our marriage is important to me, and I worry about that decreasing dramatically after having children, as I know it often does.
I feel a lot of pressure to have kids (from my husband and socially, as I am the only one of my extended family to not have kids). I actually feel that my extended family is shunning me because I don't have kids--it's like I'm the outsider in a family-friendly club.
I feel like having a family is important to me, but on the other hand, I've never been one of those women who coos at babies and wants to hold them. I feel awkward around children--I don't think I am very maternal.
So emotionally I don't feel ready but physically I feel like I need to have a child soon. Though I feel that I should feel ready, and I know my husband is chomping at the bit.
Remember that as the mother, in addition to the obvious fact that you will be CARRYING the child, in most cases, you will be responsible for at least 50 percent of its daily care - probably more like 80 or 90 percent. Your husband may be "chomping at the bit" but IMHO men to not make as big a commitment to having a child as a woman does.
It sounds like you are sticking to your guns about your own time-frame on this. Please do not let anyone influence your decision. There are many people out there like myself who are simply not cut out to be parents. There is no shame in it. It is as valid a choice as any other. If parenthood is *that* important to your husband, you might give consideration to adopting an older child which will give you a break from the "baby" period which is so demanding. However, never underestimate for a minute how having a child (natural or adopted) will impact your relationship with your husband.
Never discount the fact too that women still die in childbirth more often than you might realize.
I have never regretted being childfree. My husband and I enjoy a lifestyle that would be impossible with a child. The freedom is fantastic and our marriage grows stronger every day. I cannot even begin to imagine what a negative influence a child would have on it.
I'm certain that you will get LOTS of contradictory posts (since this is the parents forum, after all), but just keep in mind that it is YOUR LIFE and you have to do what is right for YOU. Being pressured into having a child that you are not ready for is a sure recipe for disaster.
20yrsinBranson
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