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Old 07-06-2007, 01:50 PM
 
Location: Nebraska
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jason els: Thank you for taking the time to write this. Very informative!
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Old 07-06-2007, 02:02 PM
 
Location: Warwick, NY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lpdsag View Post
jason els: Thank you for taking the time to write this. Very informative!
You're very welcome. You may want to re-read it. I have the unfortunate tendency to not see my editing mistakes until after I've already posted.
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Old 07-06-2007, 02:33 PM
 
Location: in the southwest
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What a great post, Jason.
lpdsag
When my oldest son was 12, we had girls constantly calling at all hours of the night. Once they were knocking on what they thought was his bedroom window at 4:30 in the morning! (It was our bedroom window.)
Our son was gratified yet not quite ready for all this attention, but I knew it would not be long until he was. My husband is a great guy but unfortunately was way too shy and embarrassed to have a blunt talk with our kid. I was not.
I also got him this book: It's Perfectly Normal
The handdrawn pictures are very well done IMHO.
Later on, our kid did still experiment, took risks etc, and I am sure there are things I'll never know about, but something must have worked because he turned out to be a well-adjusted, responsible adult.
I agree with what Jason says about sports and activities; it's not something to take the mind off sex, but it does work off extra energy as well as build confidence. Our oldest,at 15, would come home from school and deliberately begin whupping on his little brother, it was almost as if he could not help himself. I shudder to think what he would have been like if he wasn't playing soccer.
Good luck!
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Old 07-06-2007, 03:10 PM
 
Location: Warwick, NY
1,174 posts, read 5,893,808 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cil View Post
When my oldest son was 12, we had girls constantly calling at all hours of the night. Once they were knocking on what they thought was his bedroom window at 4:30 in the morning! (It was our bedroom window.)

Our son was gratified yet not quite ready for all this attention, but I knew it would not be long until he was.
BINGO! This happens very frequently. My cousin has two very handsome sons I'm close to. They have their own phone line but they don't always turn down the volume on the machine. He was absolutely shocked at the messages some girls were leaving on the machine. There were graphic invitations which, in our day, no girl would ever leave on an answering machine for fear of being labeled a (damn censor won't let me type the world I want so I'll use a delightuflly archaic term instead), scarlet woman. While I'm glad the double standard has gone by the wayside, I think a lot of girls aren't aware that boys of the same age aren't at the same level of emotional maturity despite that plenty of boys are already into puberty at the time. That encounter I had when I was 12 was with a girl who actively pursued me and yes, she was older too. I didn't make any moves toward her but once when we were alone she put her hand someplace and that someplace responded immediately. As someone said, "Men have two heads but not enough blood to supply both at the same time " and I just got wildly carried away. She was experienced, knew what to say, what to do, and my body just would NOT say, "no." There was also an element of machismo in there too. My idea of a man was someone who was always for sex and should have sex when ever possible. To pass-up an offer from an attractive girl would mean I was a wimp... or gay. I admit completely that I was not in control and along for the ride. Quite simply, she seduced me and yes, I enjoyed it even if now I realize I wasn't mentally prepared for it.

Guys have an issue with these kinds of things and it also is a reason males underreport sexual abuse. That issue is the penis itself. If you've got an erection then it must mean you find the stimulation attractive and are enjoying it. Molesters know this and use it as a means to keep boys quiet. The level of guilt that stems from not knowing that just because the genitals respond (and respond so VERY obviously) to stimulation doesn't mean you're consenting, is just enormous. Like with all the horrifying imagined "meanings" behind spontaneous erections I mentioned before, it's exceptionally important for boys to understand that it will be a looong time before they gain any control over what the penis does. Sometimes it rises to occasions you want it to, sometimes it doesn't, but most often it just makes itself annoying and seemingly tells the brain that you're turned on by all kinds of perverted things when, in fact, it's just a hormone surge or it's responding to touch elsewhere on the body or clothing contact. Horrifying examples from my past include, wrestling with my brother, being hugged by family members, riding in the back of the bus, dogs sniffing, and all sorts of other things that had me firmly convinced I was a complete sexual pervert.

I remember those days very, very, clearly.
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Old 07-06-2007, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Warwick, NY
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On the positive side...

What makes a big difference is trusting your son to do the right thing when you're not around. Part of that is teaching responsibility. Gradually giving real responsibilities is a great way to boost self-esteem. The key in this is that once you teach your son to do something competently is to trust him for real. That means not checking-up when you promised not to and rewarding responsibilities that are performed well. Conversely it also means sticking to your guns when you're denying a privilege when your son fails to peform a responsibility he knows and you know he can fulfill. Extenuating circumstances happen sometimes and that's OK so long as they aren't excuses in and of themselves. If the dog's sick and the dishes aren't done then naturally tending to the dog is more important.

One thing my mom did when I was that age was pretty amazing. She decided to spend some money landscaping the yard and knew that I enjoyed reading about landscaping and plants. She bought me a bunch of books and frequently talked to me about my interests and ideas. Finally, at the age of 13, she gave me a measuring tape and told me to go out and landscape the yard. She gave me a budget and offered to drive me to nurseries to show my plans to them. My first plan was a bit over ambitious but I have to credit my mom that when I was talking to the nurserymen she kept her mouth shut. Here I was at 12, dealing with adults who were simultaneously impressed and surprised. My second plan came out very well because now I was much more careful and serious about it because I knew she was serious about really giving me responsibility and, true to her word, she had my plan executed by the landscapers. Those trees and shrubs are still there and I think it still looks great. Naturally, the added side effect was that I took pride in what I had created so I spent far more time taking care of the yard than I think I would have otherwise.

As I've mentioned, growing-up on farm means that you have responsibilities as kids. My uncle trusted me with tracking the weather and planning when to do certain activities. If I said it looked like rain was coming on Wednesday then he didn't mow on Wednesday, even if the weather was great. Knowing that I was truly trusted meant a great deal to me and helped me live-up to the expectations. When I screwed-up or blew things off, real consequences happened; work didn't get done, the animals and the crops suffered because of it. Tractor driving was the same way. Want to drive the tractor or the farm truck? Then you had to learn, prove that you know what you are doing, and then when you promised to use those vehicles to use them responsibly. My first time on the tractor alone and actually doing work was during haying. My cousins and I would usually ride in the trailer pulled by baler which was pulled by the tractor. When the bailer kicked out a bale we'd watch it land and then stack it in the wagon. You had to be sharp because bales are heavy and one landing on your head will spoil your day. Sometimes the kicker would toss the bale to the side and we'd have to call to my uncle to stop and then go pick-up the stray bale. My first time (all our first times) was baling. My uncle would stay in the back stacking bales and we'd get to drive the tractor while it pulled the baler while it pulled the wagon. Controlling that whole train was terrifying but like nothing else it impressed upon me that I was trusted, important, competent, and yes, responsible.

In some of my other friends I didn't see this in their families. Instead of responsibility the parents were second-guessing or checking-up. Instead of sticking with consequences for responsiblities left neglected, they'd cave in. Instead of taking time to talk to their kids frankly and respectfully, they nagged and treated them like children all the time. The parents and the kids lived in two separate worlds. In some cases even the houses were designed with kids' rooms far away from the parents' rooms. The parents knew their kids were gettng older but seemed not to know how to relate. These were the kids who had a lot of problems. I'm not saying I didn't either, but I know that despite them all, I was a good kid. I also know it can be very hard for parents to understand that sometimes their teens are adults, and sometimes they're kids and knowing when to treat them as what needs the wisdom of Solomon.

One other thing I enjoyed was that since I was kid, my mom would wake me up on a school day once or twice a year and tell me I wasn't going to school today. Instead we'd spend the day in the city (New York) going to museums, getting lunch, and maybe see a show. Beginning about 9, I had carte blanche about what to eat, what to do, and what we saw. She'd have lists from The NY Times saying what museums were showing what, what kinds of restaurants were nearby, and all that. Sometimes I'd choose the Metropolitan, sometimes the MOMA, sometimes the Museum of Natural History (a kid's dream). The whole time we talked about what I was looking at and what I thought of it. What did this mean? Why is this painted that way? What was this artist saying? Are these fishes you'd find in the brook? Why not? Why do you think this dinosaur was so big? Had that armor? One time I chose an Ethiopian restaurant. Why do the people there eat this food? What kinds of tastes do they like? Why is it pasty? Everything was programmed by my mom to educate myself about the world around me and how to use the various arts and sciences to inquire about not only the world and different cultures, but how I myself thought, what I believed, and why I did so. I loved these trips and the fact I was missing school for them made it all the more exciting and important. More than anything I learned in school, I came to learn about the subjectivity of reality, the importance of art, history, appreciating other cultures, and the dazzling array of human experiences. New York, when used as a cultural resource, is awe-inspiring and I admit to being very lucky living as close to the city as I do.

I carry on this tradition.
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Old 07-06-2007, 04:00 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
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I think girls at this age haven't quite learned the art of being "aloof" either. They all think the most forward, and giggly is going to get the "cute" guys.
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Old 01-23-2008, 07:23 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX & AL Gulf Coast
6,848 posts, read 11,768,856 times
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Originally Posted by lpdsag View Post
I have a 12 year old son who is very intelligent yet gets along with everyone. I am noticing a couple of girls stopping at the house and calling him on his cell phone. Yet I know, you say cell phone-at 12? Yes, he has a cell phone because he walks to his junior high for music everyday and it is a mile away from whom and he crosses busy streets. My concern is this; am I crazy to think my child is just not interested in girls? I have had talks with him about the birds and the bees but nothing really in depth to this point. He is not a phone talker so when they call him it is usually short. My friends and co-workers said I should not even let me talk on the phone at his age. Am I being to nieve to think he is to young to be that interested in girls yet. He is my oldest and I am not sure how to handle this or if I should do anything at all. I am the only female in my house with a husband and 3 sons. I don't know what age boys start getting interested in girls. I here girls find interest in boys much sooner.

Please give me advice!
While you may be a little naive in your thinking... it's more that times have changed... and some of the girls these days are just unbelievable! Now, I have both daughters and a son... but I never experienced with my daughters what I did with my son! Girls constantly calling, coming by, offering to take him on dates, paying for everything, ability to stay out all hours (always made me wonder where their parents were!)... and later on determined one way or the other they were going to "snag" him (you KNOW what I mean!). It was out of control... and we had to have some serious talks with him... and with the girls when they'd repeatedly call 3-5 times in a row and all hours of the night! And, he couldn't have been anymore less interested if he'd tried! That is, until there was finally one girl that he had to chase... she was the one he was interested in!

Oh, geez, I don't envy you with three! Lock 'em up and throw away the key! LoL!
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Old 01-24-2008, 02:33 AM
 
69,368 posts, read 63,923,822 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lpdsag View Post
I have a 12 year old son who is very intelligent yet gets along with everyone. I am noticing a couple of girls stopping at the house and calling him on his cell phone. Yet I know, you say cell phone-at 12? Yes, he has a cell phone because he walks to his junior high for music everyday and it is a mile away from whom and he crosses busy streets. My concern is this; am I crazy to think my child is just not interested in girls? I have had talks with him about the birds and the bees but nothing really in depth to this point. He is not a phone talker so when they call him it is usually short. My friends and co-workers said I should not even let me talk on the phone at his age. Am I being to nieve to think he is to young to be that interested in girls yet. He is my oldest and I am not sure how to handle this or if I should do anything at all. I am the only female in my house with a husband and 3 sons. I don't know what age boys start getting interested in girls. I here girls find interest in boys much sooner.

Please give me advice!
That is nothing unusal. My nephew is that age, and I have yet to hear him every bring up a girls name, or even want to be near one. He's more into games, and just boy activities. I didnt really get interested in girls till around 16.

Would I be assuming to much by thinking that your concerned about him being "gay"? If so, I wouldnt worry about it at all. Different people, different interests, especially at that age. No cause to be concerned.
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Old 01-24-2008, 08:11 AM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
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A 12 year old boy has interest in sex, what the parts are and how everything works. He also has the beginning of sex drive although he does not really understand it. Generally, 12 year old boys are not into girls. They do not really understand nor want a relationship with a female. If they connect with a girl, they will be teased mercilessly by their friends. They may begin to make friends with girls, and they would love to see one naked, but dating and relationships are far more scary than desirable.
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Old 01-24-2008, 08:48 AM
 
Location: friendswood texas
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As a Mom of three boys one who will be turning 12 here in a couple of months, I think it is time you have a more in depth talk. Last year at the end of 5th grade, the school gave a talk on puberty. That helped us immensely in starting off the "talk". This year in 6th grade they gave another more in depth talk during gym class and again it opened the door for us to explain what sex was and how we feel about it, Abstinence etc.... It is a vastly different world for our kids then it was for us growing up. He is going to need to understand the consequences of sex a whole lot sooner than we did. It's a shame but unfortunately it is a fact of life for our children.

For me I would rather have my children forewarned so that a few years down the line I am not a Grandmother.
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