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OK, we've always paid for the airfare - it's just expected - our other child is still at home going to college and working.
Our daughter is the only one of all her cousins not here. She lives in NYC and is in her mid 20's. She is on her own and we do not help her. (We did at one time). (She has 11 cousins all around the same age) - they all keep in touch on FB and when they're in NYC, they get together.
She is a college graduate, has a good credit score, seems happy in her life there and responsible. I know it's hard to save money in NYC but it does not seem to be a concern. Lives from one day to the next.
I try not to interfere; I do want the family traditions that we have to continue so do I just always pony up the $$$? I guess I'm afraid if I didn't, she wouldn't come. She always has a good time and hangs out with all her old buds (who also now live in NYC too). I mean, we're like the 6th borough here!!
OK, we've always paid for the airfare - it's just expected - our other child is still at home going to college and working.
Our daughter is the only one of all her cousins not here. She lives in NYC and is in her mid 20's. She is on her own and we do not help her. (We did at one time). (She has 11 cousins all around the same age) - they all keep in touch on FB and when they're in NYC, they get together.
She is a college graduate, has a good credit score, seems happy in her life there and responsible. I know it's hard to save money in NYC but it does not seem to be a concern. Lives from one day to the next.
I try not to interfere; I do want the family traditions that we have to continue so do I just always pony up the $$$? I guess I'm afraid if I didn't, she wouldn't come. She always has a good time and hangs out with all her old buds (who also now live in NYC too). I mean, we're like the 6th borough here!!
Would you just let this "tradition" continue?
Well, she has her own priorities and budget. If she doesn't feel she can afford the trip or if she'd rather do something else with this money, she has every right not to visit. It's your choice whether to continue the "tradition" or not.
Even when I buy my own plane tickets for myself and/or my family (I'm late 30s) my dad always sends me a check to cover the plane fare, even when I know it's a stretch for him. If he didn't, I'd still love him. It's a nice perk though!
In my 20s, when he asked me to come, I let him know that I couldn't afford the ticket and that I'd come if he'd pay for it, but plane tickets weren't in my budget.
I supported myself fully, had a good job, nice apartment, decent car, etc - but that didn't leave a lot for extras. And I wanted to go out with my friends, buy new clothes, eat out, engage in my hobbies, etc. It wouldn't have "killed me" to buy a plane ticket, but I wouldn't have been buying any gifts that year either, had I been expected to.
If you want to keep paying for her tickets, then keep paying. If you want to but can't, let her know that too. You could offer up half as a compromise as well.
I would say a compromise is certainly something you can bring up. Your daughter is in her mid 20s, is self-supporting and I don't subscribe to the generalization that parents are bound forever to financially support their adult children. Obviously in case of need then you would do everything within your means to help out. Friends of mine in their 90s are right now helping out BOTH their children and their families who, during the current depression, have lost their jobs through no fault of their own. It pains me to see how much they're sacrificing in their old age by paying the mortgages on their kids' houses but they're doing it because they love their children and grandchildren but they want to assist them as long as they can until the economical climate changes so at least they won't lose their homes.
It doesn't seem to have registered with many that this depression isn't going to go away overnight and that austerity is going to become the norm in the next several years. Many who enjoyed the fruits of the up times have already cut way back and given up on their toys and their rampant credit spending. Learning to live within their means has become a huge setback for many but people do adjust eventually.
The holiday and the family gathering is obviously very important to you but I see nothing wrong in suggesting to your daughter that she pay half her fare with you picking up the other half - and that will be your holiday gift to her. I'm assuming that you lay on the spread and accommodate her? A token gift (I'm segueing into sskkc's post here) would be lovely, of course, but it can be something of a personal nature.
I'm probably coming from a rather different place than many in that I left home at 16 and received nothing at all from my single parent after that. Not that I expected anything - far from it - but those of my generation who did it on our own subsequently saw so many of the next generation trying to "make up" for that which they didn't have. The pampering continued onto the next generation and the next too as the psychological rationale behind the giving got skewed and it became accepted that each parenting generation simply assumed that their children had to have all the toys and the clothes, etc.
She's an adult and if she wants to live pay check to pay check and fritter her earnings then that's her 'druthers. Not for you to comment on but, again, I'd opt for an honest compromise. She's flown the nest and is responsible to herself but I'd pretty much bet that she's never even thought about that 'plane trip to FLA from NYC for the holidays and just accepts the fare from you as a given. Talk to her!
I don't think I'd be doing this for her at this age, just because of a "tradition". At her age, I don't think it's a good idea for her to have an "expectation" that her parents are going to finance her airfare home. I suspect that she'll never try to finance her own trips if you automatically pony up the $$ every year. I'd let her know that I'd love her to be there, if she can manage it. And then I'd tell her that if she can't manange the airfare, you would chip in a little. As the others said, it really depends on how badly you want her there, right?
I don't think I'd be doing this for her at this age, just because of a "tradition". At her age, I don't think it's a good idea for her to have an "expectation" that her parents are going to finance her airfare home. I suspect that she'll never try to finance her own trips if you automatically pony up the $$ every year. I'd let her know that I'd love her to be there, if she can manage it. And then I'd tell her that if she can't manange the airfare, you would chip in a little. As the others said, it really depends on how badly you want her there, right?
It all depends on the circumstances. When my parents were alive, I knew they couldn't afford to visit me here, so I paid for their trips. This would've continued indefinitely if they were alive and I wanted them to visit me. As I didn't have much time off back then and they were retired, it was actually more convenient for me as I would pay for a ticket one way or another, and it was nice to show them something new, too.
It all depends on the circumstances. When my parents were alive, I knew they couldn't afford to visit me here, so I paid for their trips. This would've continued indefinitely if they were alive and I wanted them to visit me. As I didn't have much time off back then and they were retired, it was actually more convenient for me as I would pay for a ticket one way or another, and it was nice to show them something new, too.
Of course it depends on the circumstances but this post isn't about a child or children paying for their parents to come visit. Sorry, I've been flooded out twice now in a week and just when I cleaned up the rain is pouring down again so I'm back to square one.
It all depends on the circumstances. When my parents were alive, I knew they couldn't afford to visit me here, so I paid for their trips. This would've continued indefinitely if they were alive and I wanted them to visit me. As I didn't have much time off back then and they were retired, it was actually more convenient for me as I would pay for a ticket one way or another, and it was nice to show them something new, too.
Exactly. The OP needs to decide how much it means to HER for her daughter to be there. The daughter might be coming only because the parents pay for it...and if that is the only way to get her there, then they need to know that, and be prepared to pay for it each year. An open and frank discussion is needed here.
Of course it depends on the circumstances but this post isn't about a child or children paying for their parents to come visit.
My point was that sometimes even children need to pay their parents' expenses. The opposite route is quite common and hardly something to discuss or frown upon. Of course, if the parents can't afford it, either, some compromise needs to be found, but it didn't sound to me as if that was the case. It seems to be more of a concern about teaching responsibility.
OP, there is no right answer here. If this is something your comfortable with doing, and your budget allows for it, you should go ahead and continue it. If you think you're spoiling your daughter though, then quit. I think the only no-no in this situation is if you're using gifts and money to try to influence your daughter's behavior. You mention you're not 100 percent happy with her spending/saving habits. At this point, that's really none of your business. You had time to teach her; now she's on her own. Adults who have strong opinions about other adults' money habits are very annoying control freaks.
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I'd let her know that I'd love her to be there, if she can manage it. And then I'd tell her that if she can't manange the airfare, you would chip in a little. As the others said, it really depends on how badly you want her there, right?
