Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
He doesn't have any after school activities. He has NO interest in any kind of sports. He just likes to play his drums and guitar. He also doesn't keep his grades up. He is failing one class and has low d's in two others. Also, I have found drugs in his room before and he has came home high before. So I have a lot of difficulty trusting him.
There's nothing wrong with having no interest in sports. Perhaps none of the after school activities interest him. You are saying he "just" likes to play his drums and guitar. Sounds like he is a creative kid, one that has a passion for music as opposed to other high school activities.
A lot of parents don't take musically inclined kids seriously. They often have little interest in the school curriculum. This leads to friction in the house, because the kids are leaning towards a direction that the parents don't understand and think is ultimately a dead end.
But it doesn't have to be. There are multiple careers in the music business, and tons of college courses geared towards them. I would talk with him about how he sees his future, and if he wants to be a musician for a living I would encourage him to look into college at one of the institutions that groom kids for music industry jobs. If you encourage his goals, perhaps his attitude towards his grades will change.
I would also make it perfectly clear to him that a lot of musicians fail because they smoke too much pot and never get the band out of the basement. It takes a bunch of hard work and drive to succeed.
So, smoke pot (or whatever) = no guitar, or drums for x period of time. That'll get his attention over dinner or grounding. But I think the important thing is to understand where he's at, and try and support and encourage his interests - and gear him towards success doing something he loves to do.
Just to clarify....are you using the quotes here because he wasn't actually watching a movie? Was "watching a movie" the cover story?
My 16 year old has done the 'losing track of time' thing a couple of times - Just recently I knew she had plans to be somewhere with friends but she'd told me she would be home for dinner. I gave her a little bit of time and then texted her. She did call me back about 10 mins later apologetic. I hadn't served her dinner and meanwhile her brother helped himself to some more - which seemed like a natural consequence for her. By the time she got home she was able to eat some vegetables (which my son had mysteriously left behind) and had full access to the kitchen to make anything else she wanted. She got a talking to about time keeping/courtesy and how things like that make dad begin to worry. She was apologetic and I believed she lost track of time so I left it at that.
If it had been the first time she'd done it then I might have refused Oliver Twist entry to the kitchen and kept her food for her.
If I had a kid who did this intentionally or didn't care about it, then I'd punish but still leave them access to the kitchen. I probably would have set the grounding as a week, instead of until further notice.
And I don't think that it's unreasonable to expect a teenage child to be home at a certain time for dinner - or to contact and ask permission otherwise.
But first I would be concerned about the drugs/grades issues.
The rule is 6
He was not there
At the very least missing out on dinner seems perfectly reasonable.
Cripes if I were that disrespectful of my wife, I would expect to have my dinner in the trash too.
You are the parent. Be strong. When he is more mature, he will appreciate it.
The problem is there's an indication that this isn't the only time the mother has punished with food.
In the same post about tossing dinner in the trash, she admits that she is punishing him for his overdrawn lunch account too.
His walking around the house complaining about being hungry indicates that she is refusing to allow him to make something for himself to eat.
She defended her stand on the lunch account, but she hasn't denied that she won't let him make himself something to eat.
Throwing dinner in the trash and letting him have a bowl of cereal or sandwich is one thing. Refusing to allow him to eat anything is insane.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jkcoop
I'm going with this.
First, you said he's usually good about coming home - so this wasn't an on going issue that you finally had had it. He also let you know where he was at 3pm - so he wasn't out hiding somewhere.
I can completely see a 16 year old who is watching a movie to loose track of time. Did you try and call his cell or text him or did you just get madder and madder and not even try and contact him before jumping in the car? That seems odd to me. Unless this was a pattern (which you didn't indicate), I would have just had a discussion with him about how you were worried, etc.
All of the OP's reactions seem odd---especially when she stated that he is good about being home on time.
Why jump in the car and chase him around like a crazy woman? It's not like he didn't tell her where he was.
He clearly has a cell phone because that's how he informed her that he was at his girlfriend's house.
Even if he didn't answer his phone, he simply lost track of time----afterall he is usually good about being home on time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jb03
But first I would be concerned about the drugs/grades issues.
Exactly. The OP's priorities are out of place. She's worried about dinner when her child is doing drugs.
Maybe he's doing drugs because his mother is over controlling and withholds food.
Ok. It seems no matter how I try to clarify, things still get misconstrued.
He knew he had to be home for 6. He knows that if he is not home on time, that punishment is grounding. I said until further notice because I was mad and wanted to think about what a reasonable amount would be before I gave out a time. He is usually home on time. This time he decided that he did not want to walk back home and just waited until I went to go find him. He does not have a cell phone, just ipod touch and the gf house doesn't have wifi. I don't know the gf phone number, which I why I drove over there. If he had called and said he was on his way, then that is fine. He has done that before.
The drug and grade issue is why I want him home at a certain time. I can't force him to do his homework. He is 16. I cannot tie him in a chair with a pencil in his hand and make him do it. The consequences of him not doing his work is failing a class and doing summer school or staying back. He knows this. There is only so much I can do to curb the drugs.
I try to discourage him from hanging out with the kids who I know are into that. At the end of the day, it is his decision. Again, I can't make him tell these kids no. At least if he is home, then I know he is not doing drugs with his friends and has an opportunity to do homework.
He did have some leftover pizza so he did not starve. He usually spends an hour in the morning doing his hair so he runs out of time for breakfast. I have several breakfast items here for him to make (most only take a minute or two to make) but he doesn't. As far as lunch, I told him how long the money would last. He either didn't believe me or thought I would just give him more anyways if he bought double lunch. So he didn't have lunch for a week. I told him to make himself something to take, but that is not "cool" to bring your lunch. That is the natural consequence of using all your lunch money too soon. If you spend all your paycheck on payday does your employer give you another one the next day because you were irresonsible with it? No. Yes he is my son but he needs to learn from experience.
The problem is there's an indication that this isn't the only time the mother has punished with food.
In the same post about tossing dinner in the trash, she admits that she is punishing him for his overdrawn lunch account too.
His walking around the house complaining about being hungry indicates that she is refusing to allow him to make something for himself to eat.
She defended her stand on the lunch account, but she hasn't denied that she won't let him make himself something to eat.
Throwing dinner in the trash and letting him have a bowl of cereal or sandwich is one thing. Refusing to allow him to eat anything is insane.
All of the OP's reactions seem odd---especially when she stated that he is good about being home on time.
Why jump in the car and chase him around like a crazy woman? It's not like he didn't tell her where he was.
He clearly has a cell phone because that's how he informed her that he was at his girlfriend's house.
Even if he didn't answer his phone, he simply lost track of time----afterall he is usually good about being home on time.
Exactly. The OP's priorities are out of place. She's worried about dinner when her child is doing drugs.
Maybe he's doing drugs because his mother is over controlling and withholds food.
I absolutely agree that there are much bigger issues at play...but I don't see where she "withholds food".....If he was really hungry...he'd be home for dinner wouldn't you think? He knew when dinner was and chose not to be there or got distracted or whatever. The OP's parenting choices/styles wouldn't necessarily be mine but I don't see a huge issue with missing one dinner. The OP has stated that he chooses not to eat breakfast (not that she refuses to provide it), that he overran his lunch account so there is no money in there but he is free to pack a lunch (which he chooses not to do). I don't see that as "withholding food". Missing one meal will not cause a teenaged boy to starve to death. It may make him uncomfortable enough to make an effort to be home for dinner or at least notify his mom that he'll be late. There are a lot of red flags here but one missing meal just doesn't seem to be one to me.
Last edited by maciesmom; 11-16-2010 at 07:54 AM..
Reason: clarity
I think you handled the situation just fine! He had access to food. He's mad because he is grounded. I have grounded my kids & had to cool down before giving them a answer to how long before, too. If I gave a grounding time while I was mad it would have been a MONTH! So it's fine to cool down first.
Ok. It seems no matter how I try to clarify, things still get misconstrued.
Thanks for the clarification. Although I'll have to say, I wouldn't let him even out until 6 if there were grade and drug issues.
He'd be home right after school - or working with a tutor, or something to get his grades up. There wouldn't be any hanging out with anybody at all.
Have you considered an outlet for the drums and guitar? I know a teen who is wicked good at guitar. Self taught. He wants to do something eventually that involves music. Around here there are places that people can go to jam with others - small little music studios. Some are specifically geared for teens. My son did a small "camp" type thing at one of these one summer - learned all about recording music, etc. You might have something like that near where you live. Just a thought.
I said until further notice because I was mad and wanted to think about what a reasonable amount would be before I gave out a time.
That makes perfect sense. It's wise to wait until calm to figure out punishment.
Unfortunately, I know parents who go days and weeks without indicating when punishment is over.
Children deserve clearly defined punishments. Have you calmed down and told him when his grounding is over yet?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1
He is usually home on time. This time he decided that he did not want to walk back home and just waited until I went to go find him. He does not have a cell phone, just ipod touch and the gf house doesn't have wifi. I don't know the gf phone number, which I why I drove over there.
You need to get phone numbers so you're not driving around unnecessarily.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1
The drug and grade issue is why I want him home at a certain time. I can't force him to do his homework.......There is only so much I can do to curb the drugs.
I know parents who have been very successful by fully grounding their teenagers until they pass a drug test. Marijuana takes 30 to 60 days to leave their system, depending on how often they smoke it. After being grounded for 30 to 60 days, they pass the drug test and get normal freedom back. Random testing after that with grounding if they fail---until they pass it again. It's the only thing I've seen that works with drugs and teenagers. Simply restricting his time out isn't good enough. He won't stop doing drugs as long as he has some degree of freedom to see his friends outside of his own home. I wouldn't ground him from doing things at home (music, video games, tv, having friends over)---just ground him from leaving the house, except to go to school.
Thanks for the clarification. Although I'll have to say, I wouldn't let him even out until 6 if there were grade and drug issues.
He'd be home right after school - or working with a tutor, or something to get his grades up. There wouldn't be any hanging out with anybody at all.
Have you considered an outlet for the drums and guitar? I know a teen who is wicked good at guitar. Self taught. He wants to do something eventually that involves music. Around here there are places that people can go to jam with others - small little music studios. Some are specifically geared for teens. My son did a small "camp" type thing at one of these one summer - learned all about recording music, etc. You might have something like that near where you live. Just a thought.
He used to take piano, guitar and drum lessons. He is very talented and found the lessons boring. He now teaches himself songs by listening to the radio. He was also in a band with his friends and even cut a demo and played a few local shows, but the band keeps losing members.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
