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I've posted here regarding my 20 year old daughter who's chosen violence as a means of acting out after her mother and I divorced. I also have two other daughters with my ex. The second is 23. The oldest is 25.
Before anyone pelts me with insults, allow me to say that I have committed myself to the proper raising of my children. I raised my children committed to the idea of making them assets and not burdens of society. My love, attention, affection, kindness, hugs, and money has been theirs as far back as I can remember. And I raised them with this idiom in mind. . ."I must decrease, that they might increase."
I have peace in my heart because, I have given everything I could, to provide for my children's physical, mental, spiritual, and and emotional needs.
Now, here they are, each in their 20's. Given that I've given all that I could possibly give, I felt it safe to assume that upon entering their 20's, the burdens of child rearing would minimize. To my surprise, it's been the complete opposite! Each of my daughter's financial needs have grown exponentially. Emotionally - from oldest to youngest - they are stable, slightly unstable, and a total wreck. As a result, I find myself still running to their aid and rescue constantly, primarily for some monetary reason, or as a result of some emotional distress requiring listening, advising, and/or consoling.
Quite frankly, I am often left physically and emotionally spent. At 50 years of age, I feel it my right to begin enjoying life even if in the smallest of ways. Yet here am I, usually putting out a financial or emotional fire in my children's lives. I have peace within myself in knowing that I give all that I can. But, as I not too recently said to them. . ."I cannot afford to let your lives stress me out to the point of a breakdown. Because if I go down, you all go down with me."
I need my health so that I can continue providing for them. But I also need for them to do their share of finding the wherewithal to become self-reliant and independent.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I might get at least one of my girls to be off on her own without needing for daddy to come to her continued rescue?
For those of you who might suggest that their mother should be more involved, I leave you with this: a friend once said to me about my ex. . . "dude, you're not raising three daughters; you're raising four, including your wife."
I welcome your advice and constructive criticisms.
Your last sentence just about sums up the problem. Apparently they have learnt from their mother that the way to get what you want as an adult is to continue to behave like a spoilt child.
I don't really know what to suggest, other than maybe family therapy. You could try the old 'throw them out and let them figure it out for themselves' route but that's up to you.
I'm not gonna throw any insults at you. I just want to say how nice it is to see such a loving, committed and thoughtful Dad, and my hat is off to you.
You certainly deserve some peace. I hope somebody here can give you some good advice to help you find it. Good luck to you.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I might get at least one of my girls to be off on her own without needing for daddy to come to her continued rescue?
I'm not going to criticize. I've known many people who have had this problem. I've been this problem myself as a daughter. I'm trying to ensure that I don't have this problem as a parent, but I'm aware it's going to be a process. Although my children are young adults, your children are much older than mine.
You know darn well that the reason they aren't financially self sufficient is because they know you will rescue them. You can't just cut one off. You have to cut them all off at once. The reason I know this is because I come from a family with quite a few girls. They'll compare what you do for each other.
You need to sit them down and tell them that you are no longer paying for X, Y, or Z. And if they mess up, they have to live the natural consquences of it. That could mean bad credit, eviction, car reposition, whatever. They will only do their best if they believe you are serious about not enabling them anymore.
The good news is the holidays are just around the corner! It's the perfect time to send a clear message like my father did to all of his girls at Christmas. One year, he gave us all AAA memberships and emergency roadside kits to keep in the trunk of our cars. The message: learn how to handle car emergencies on your own.
I know it's going to be hard to cut them off financially. But as a daughter who had a father who rescued his daughters, I can tell you that cutting them off is the best thing you can do for them. None of his daughters depended on him entirely, but every daughter knew they could go to him for emergency funds. As a result, I didn't learn how to be completely self reliant until my father died when I was 28 years old.
Being rescued compounded how difficult his death was for us. We were grieving the loss of our father, but we were also left terrified that we no longer had a safety net. By that age, we all should have had confidence that we could make it in the world without depending on anyone else to rescue us. Granted, we weren't completely irresponsible. We were all supporting ourselves. But KNOWING there is a safety net prohibits learning how to become psychologically independent.
I agree with the above. Do them all a great big favor, sit them down together and let them know that you will no longer be bailing them out. Teaching financial independence should begin at an early age. When I got my job after college, I just assumed that I was now responsible for my own bills. I was never lead to believe it would be any other way. Then again, my Dad did not have a lot of extra money. He did help me out once in a while [ without me asking ] but I always paid him back. He died when I was 32, and I am still [at 54 ] so grateful that he taught me to always live within my means. Don't buy what you can't pay for. This sounds like an antiquated idea in todays realm of financial problems, but, it works for me. I am instilling those values in my 3 kids and have managed successfully to help my husband change his way of thinking. His background was a little more loose.
I am fortunate to have a partner who is a help and not a hindrance. I run the familie's finances and explain things to the kids as I go. I wish you lots of luck. I commend you for realizing there is a need to address the issue. Your daughters need to learn to be self reliant [ they will be much happier in the long run ] and yes, you deserve some peace and your own financial comfort.
I agree with the above. Do them all a great big favor, sit them down together and let them know that you will no longer be bailing them out. Teaching financial independence should begin at an early age. When I got my job after college, I just assumed that I was now responsible for my own bills. I was never lead to believe it would be any other way. Then again, my Dad did not have a lot of extra money. He did help me out once in a while [ without me asking ] but I always paid him back. He died when I was 32, and I am still [at 54 ] so grateful that he taught me to always live within my means. Don't buy what you can't pay for. This sounds like an antiquated idea in todays realm of financial problems, but, it works for me. I am instilling those values in my 3 kids and have managed successfully to help my husband change his way of thinking. His background was a little more loose.
I am fortunate to have a partner who is a help and not a hindrance. I run the familie's finances and explain things to the kids as I go. I wish you lots of luck. I commend you for realizing there is a need to address the issue. Your daughters need to learn to be self reliant [ they will be much happier in the long run ] and yes, you deserve some peace and your own financial comfort.
One of my dads favorite phrases when we left the nest was "you made your bed and now you have to lie in it". We knew not to expect money unless it was for some medical emergency. We also got money from him at C'mas and learned to stash it away for things like unexpected cars repairs, etc.
My kids are in their early twenties and I'm trying to go by that same philosophy towards them, but it is hard. It hurts to be tough and I find myself coming to the rescue more than I'd like too.
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