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Old 12-23-2010, 11:48 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,745,541 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smooth23 View Post
These are the parenting techniques that lead to the parents of college kids that go beg the kids' professors for better grades, or try to get their college kid out of trouble because the kid doesn't know how to deal with being on their own.

A little freedom and responsibility during the teen years will lead to more responsibility when they have the freedom of an adult. Responsibility as a teen does not mean being lo-jacked by mom 24/7.
But knowing where your kids are and who they are with and what they are doing isn't the same thing as extorting good grades. One doesn't have anything to do with the other.

I don't see the report card of my kid in college, nor do I pay for his college but I still knew where he was when he was 13. I also expected my kids to be at home unless they had permission to be somewhere else but I had to know there would be adults around.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:55 AM
 
14,777 posts, read 34,537,960 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I'm having ongoing issues with dd about keeping track of her. She's 13.


We moved to this neighborhood abut 6 months ago. In the former neighborhood, keeping track of her became increasing difficult. Although told NOT to go inside anyone's home without our prior approval, that meant EACH and EVERY time. She had a cell phone, she was to answer it when called.

....

Hmmm...which set of "rules" sound best? Oh, wait a minute, please, who said she makes rules or has any say in how they are enforced?

Her friends can come here, she says there's nothing to do here. so what do they do there? Oh, stuff....well, do "stuff" here where I can supervise, or I speak with an adult who is supervising. There, that's how I'm raising my 13-year old daughter. Anything wrong with that?
The more you tighten your grip, the more likely she will simply slip through your fingers.

If it bothers you that much, upgrade her cell phone to a carrier like Verizon that offers GPS positioning. All you need to do is log on to the computer and you can find out exactly where she is. They also still provide the full suite of parental controls you seem to need. Outside of that you have two choices:

1. Learn to trust your kid a little more and grant her some additional freedom.

2. Put her in a prairy dress, install a chasity belt and start homeschooling. That way you can keep tabs on her until she can emancipate herself at 18.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:57 AM
 
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When I was 13, I was usually with one friend or another. There were a group of us, and we went from house to house. I had a time when I had to be home, and I got home pretty close to that time. I suspect that was the case for most of us.

I agree with above poster who indicated that kids' problem-solving skills are compromised by ever-hovering parents. We have to let them learn to live out in the world.
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Old 12-23-2010, 12:05 PM
 
12,922 posts, read 19,812,959 times
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I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to know where a 13 yr old is, and who she is with, in fact I think it's the right thing to do. But, once I had met the friends and were comfortable with them, I would loosen the reins.

I think the OP has to make the effort to introduce herself to the kids and their parents. If they are in the same neighborhood it shouldn't be difficult. Find out where everyone lives and take a walk.
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Old 12-23-2010, 01:10 PM
 
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You thought she came home at 8? Dang. How big is your house?

Nobody calls out "Mom! I'm home!!" when they walk in the door?
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Old 12-23-2010, 02:16 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,678,808 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I'm having ongoing issues with dd about keeping track of her. She's 13.


We moved to this neighborhood abut 6 months ago. In the former neighborhood, keeping track of her became increasing difficult. Although told NOT to go inside anyone's home without our prior approval, that meant EACH and EVERY time. She had a cell phone, she was to answer it when called.

Well, she increasingly "tested the limits". She would not answer her cell, then said it was turned off. Then I found she was inside another girls' house, both girls alone, without parents home (remember, she was 13). When I knocked on the door, they refused to answer. Then finally they did answer, when I asked where the parents were, they lied and said they were "in the shower" Come on, don't lie to me. I told dd she was NOT to go inside that girl's house again. When I attempted to call the parents, they ignored me. BTW, this guy was a police detective, you'd think he'd give a flip what was going on in his own house!

Well, we moved, and for awhile, dd was more in control. Now she's taken to her old tricks, going to play with other neighbor kids, only in front of the house, oh, no she doesn''t go inside. then WTH was she tonight at 10 pm? I thought she had returned home at 8 pm. We had to track her down, did find her outside in front of a neighbor's house, but still, she is not to be out roaming the neighborhood at 10 pm, period!


Oh, the looks! I 'm ruining her life! Dear, me! If she wants to "play in the street" she can do so in front of our house. If she goes into someone else's house, we need prior notification and talk to the parents to ensure there's parental supervision EACH and EVERY time she goes visiting. She will always carry a cell phone that we can ping to see where she's at. Oh, she had a fit, how dare we control her!

she has a basic, standard phone, a Kajeet. We have total control over it. for $10/month, we control who she calls, who calls her, when she can place and receive calls, and we can ping it. sounds like a parent's dream. But it not "cool" she did have a cell phone with keyboard, all the bells and whistles, she lost it or it was stolen. She feels using the basic one is "not cool" or whatever kids say nowdays.


So, she wants to "roam" the neighborhood, go where she pleases, go into anyone's house without my approval, and come home when she pleases.

How about:

I know where she goes

Every time she goes out the door, I know

Every time she goes somewhere, she takes her cell phone

I can ping her whereabouts

I speak with other parents before she goes into anyone's house

She comes inside at 7 pm, regardless of what


Hmmm...which set of "rules" sound best? Oh, wait a minute, please, who said she makes rules or has any say in how they are enforced?

Her friends can come here, she says there's nothing to do here. so what do they do there? Oh, stuff....well, do "stuff" here where I can supervise, or I speak with an adult who is supervising. There, that's how I'm raising my 13-year old daughter. Anything wrong with that?
The thing is there are programs you can dl to give a fake location to wear you are going when pinged....so she says i'm going to xyz but she is really going to abc....but when you ping she has it programmed to say she is at xyz. But i agree with the other posters that you need to allow her to grow up some. Also why don't you make dd pay for her own cell out of her allowance....but not letting her know you can gps track it.
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Old 12-23-2010, 02:19 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,044,931 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smooth23 View Post
These are the parenting techniques that lead to the parents of college kids that go beg the kids' professors for better grades, or try to get their college kid out of trouble because the kid doesn't know how to deal with being on their own.
I just read this article on the University of Pittsburgh website titled "Helicopter Parents on the Job Search."

Helicopter Parents on the Job Search

It's hillarious that a university needs to post an article like that on the career development and leadership webpage!

It's warning parents that employers don't like parents to be invovled in their children's job searches.

You'd think that was a no-brainer, but apparently too many parents are helicoptering or the university wouldn't need to write an article about it for parents.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to know where a 13 yr old is, and who she is with, in fact I think it's the right thing to do. But, once I had met the friends and were comfortable with them, I would loosen the reins.
That was my point with my first post. There should be a few friends where the reins are loosened. Certain friends whose houses she can go into by just letting her mother know where she's at---not requiring her to talk to the parents each time, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
You thought she came home at 8? Dang. How big is your house?

Nobody calls out "Mom! I'm home!!" when they walk in the door?
I thought that was funny too! Mom is dropping the ball!

Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
If it bothers you that much, upgrade her cell phone to a carrier like Verizon that offers GPS positioning. All you need to do is log on to the computer and you can find out exactly where she is. They also still provide the full suite of parental controls you seem to need. Outside of that you have two choices:
Yep! In addition to being able to see a google type map showing the exact GPS location of the child at any time, the Verizon plan only costs $20 to add an additional family member for unlimited texting and calling. I don't understand why the OP needs to control who the child calls and who the child receives calls from to keep the bill managable. With unlimited texting and calling for only $20 on Verizon there's no worries about the bill. Plus, she can see where her daughter is at anytime without 'pinging' her.
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Old 12-23-2010, 02:19 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,678,808 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Oh, well....at 13 I really don't think she should be allowed to roam the neighborhood. Insofar as knowing the other parents, well, that's the way I do things.

I've noticed parents who don't care, are irresponsible, don't take the time to be bothered to get to know each other and what their children are doing.

Hopes, I thought I had you on ignore, my mistake, I know you want to pick apart my parenting. guess you're the better parent, I can't "hope" to match your style.

but IMO, no kid 13 should be allowed to just roam. But I'm raising a lady, not a tramp, get used to it!

You really think this will reflect her sexual choices in life? I grew up in an extended catholic family...and believe me some of the most total control parents had the loosest kids *boys and girls*. I agree with some aspects of your parenting as with making sure you know where she is going...but i think you do need to let up a little bit. Though your rules on being home at 7 does that included the weekend when she is over a friends?
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Old 12-23-2010, 02:27 PM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,480,415 times
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I think that you have more problems than this...the issues I see, are that she is actively hiding from you, and willfully breaking rules. I would relax on the rules, and then it takes all the fun out of being rebellious. I did not have these problems with my kids, they were always too busy doing homework, practicing piano, playing basketball...was I just lucky? Why doesn't she want to be home more? My kids were always home, with their friends...and their dogs...eating all the food in the house! I wish they had gone out more!
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Old 12-23-2010, 09:14 PM
 
9,056 posts, read 6,730,338 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
There, that's how I'm raising my 13-year old daughter. Anything wrong with that?
Is that a question or a challenge?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
But I'm raising a lady, not a tramp, get used to it!
Well, I guess you answered that.

If you have genuine fears for her safety for some reason (like if she was shooting crystal meth, or dating older men) I could understand your wanting to keep tabs on her 24 hrs a day and the necessity for her to know you're doing it.

If you are doing because you're trying to exert power over her and have her know it then I think you may be in for even more trouble. She probably has zero sense of worth at this point and you're just going to drive home the message that you don't think much of her and she'll more than likely prove you right and live up to your expectations.
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