U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 12-26-2010, 08:21 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
Reputation: 30256

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece View Post
But do you want to pick up the phone and talk about two 18 year olds? I wouldn't. I didn't even like doing that when they were little kids.
I'm just trying to point out that people shouldn't make assumptions about the girlfriend's parents if nobody is willing to call them.

I think it's INSANE to expect the girlfriend's parents to take the boyfriend into their home if he's kicked out.

And quite a few people in this thread have said to kick the son out and let the girlfriend's parents support him. I'm saying that's WRONG.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
Controlling other people is not how life works. It's sad that you think it does.
People have a right to say who and who does not live in their homes. If they allow people to live in their homes with expectations of behavior, that's their right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
Absolutely agree. It would be unfair to kick someone out for breaking a rule they were unaware of.
Even if they break rules they know, they deserve notice of eviction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Hopes---you can't have it both ways. You talk about "child"one minute and then adult. If you think a 18 year old is an adult, then the parents have the right to expect their house rules be followed if he wants to still live in their house.. If you are talking about children, then no a child should not be tossed to the streets but still needs to respect the parents rules and regulations.
An adult child is still someone's child. It doesn't matter how old a person is. All people deserve to be given notice of eviction.

 
Old 12-26-2010, 08:27 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,620,437 times
Reputation: 46994
Margritte, The relationship between two married people is very different than the one betwwen parents and a child. In marriage both partners are considered grown and with equal rights as far as voicing opinions, voting for where to live, how to live, etc.

But in a home with parents, they are the ones in charge of making decisions. They might take into consideration the preferences of the kids but they still make the major decisions. Raising kids is in many ways a teaching and controlling situation. We have to control our kids behaviors, budgets, educations, etc up to a certain point. We have to teach (discipline) kids so they can learn self discipline (control).

To equate marriage control with parental control shows a total lack of insight into the discussion. I know you are very young but when you have a teen of your own some day I'm sure you will not feel the same way. The OP admitted the problem was not so much about the sleeping with the GF as it is about that being just one aspect of his kid disrespecting him and his wife and what they have stood for. I understand that.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 08:29 PM
 
Location: NE Oklahoma
1,036 posts, read 2,578,365 times
Reputation: 1080
There is no way in the world this child and yes, he is a child, would be laying around my house..disrespecting me, not helping out or following any household rules, and then when he decides he wants a piece run over to gf's parent's house for some.

IF he wants to be a man, move out, get a job/go to school, and move his squeeze in with him. Then he can make his own rules. Do anything he wants to, when he wants to. Until then he needs to act like a civilized human being and be respectful to his parents.

It is a fact: He who has the money makes the rules.
Yes, it is a known fact in our house too. I control the spending, I make the rules about how MY money is spent. Don't like it? Move out and get your own money/house/rules. I am NOT my children's FRIEND. I am their mother. After they are grown and are on their own I will attempt to change our relationship to a more adult like, mutually respectful relationship. It will NOT be THEY are an adult and because THEY are over 18 I butt out and they can be borish asses to everyone in the house and still live there free. No. There are always rules in life. If your parents aren't making them then the teachers or bosses are. Deal with it.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 08:31 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,620,437 times
Reputation: 46994
Hopes- of course anybody who is not living by the rules should be asked to leave with time to get packed for this move. I don't think anybody is advocating throwing the kid on the street likeyou have seen happen to some of the teens you have harbored.

But once the announcement has been made that "You must abide by my rules while you are living in my house saving for your own place" then the kid (adult) should abide by those rules or he will get kicked out. Every work place, job, relationship has ground rules and kids need to learn this fact right in their own core family home.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 08:31 PM
 
Location: Denver area
21,134 posts, read 22,107,592 times
Reputation: 35503
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Margritte, The relationship between two married people is very different than the one betwwen parents and a child. In marriage both partners are considered grown and with equal rights as far as voicing opinions, voting for where to live, how to live, etc.

But in a home with parents, they are the ones in charge of making decisions. They might take into consideration the preferences of the kids but they still make the major decisions. Raising kids is in many ways a teaching and controlling situation. We have to control our kids behaviors, budgets, educations, etc up to a certain point. We have to teach (discipline) kids so they can learn self discipline (control).

To equate marriage control with parental control shows a total lack of insight into the discussion. I know you are very young but when you have a teen of your own some day I'm sure you will not feel the same way. The OP admitted the problem was not so much about the sleeping with the GF as it is about that being just one aspect of his kid disrespecting him and his wife and what they have stood for. I understand that.
Exactly...reaching the age of 18 does not automatically confer equal status in a household to adults who are responsible for all kinds of things. That is one of the wonderful things about growing up and moving out. "Freedom" comes with responsibility. When one is able to accept the responsibility, one obtains freedom....

To teach my children that life works otherwise, is doing them a disservice.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 08:36 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,699,632 times
Reputation: 22158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
Nothing is wrong with asking 18 year olds to move out. But they deserve notice so they can save security deposit and rent an apartment.

The law provides that everyone be provided notice of eviction, even people who are relatives not paying rent.


For all you know, the girl's parents might be talking with each other about doing just that!


Then don't make assumptions about the girlfriend's parents if you won't even talk to them about it.
I honestly cannot imagine the two sets of parents of 18 year old adults sitting down and discussing the sex lives of their adult children even to okay it. To me that's taking parenting pretty far.

I think it's perfectly fine for the OP to tell his kid to pack up and move out and grow up. Moving out is a great way to grow up actually. The son will find out about rent, bills - all the things adults should know about.

What the girlfriend's parents do is really up to them. They can invite him in and feed him if they like - and if their daughter has babies, it's up to them if they want to also support the babies too.

It's also good though for the father to discuss the child support issue with his son because an 18 year old having sex can become responsible for that even if he has never yet had a job. It's fair enough to talk about the responsibility that comes with sex - and a kid still not paying rent or any bills should be made aware that 25% of his future income can be taken from him - because the courts won't see him as a little child that still needs to be parented and supported.

I think that's why so many people think that an 18 year old boy having overnights with his girlfriend should be encouraged to grow up in other ways also and learn what it's like to pay some bills.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,620,437 times
Reputation: 46994
I just reped you. Alot of this conversation centers around a common theme when talking about tension beteen parents and young "adults" and that is entitlement.

"I've lived 18 years as your kid, I'm now an adult and I can do as I please. It pleases me to sleep in my own bed when I want to , or anywhere else it pleases me, I get to eat your food, use your internet, drive "my" car and expect all the other things you have given me whether I'm in school or worikng or just "finding myself". You cannot throw me out cause I'm entitled."

Not in my family and apparently not in the families of others involved in this thread.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 09:01 PM
 
Location: Denver area
21,134 posts, read 22,107,592 times
Reputation: 35503
^^^Exactly...and...you certainly are entitled to not have these specific rules in your home for your "adult" children...you can choose whatever rules you want to. But as parents, our obligation is to teach our kids how to be adults. How to stand on their own. Part of that is playing by the rules. Rules you may not agree with. Being 18 and breathing doesn't entitle you to much. This should have been taught all the way along, so it isn't a big surprise when they are 18....
 
Old 12-26-2010, 09:11 PM
 
852 posts, read 1,135,627 times
Reputation: 1042
When these 18 year old adults are living in college dorms, they are also prohibited from having sleepovers with boyfriends/girlfriends. The students can sneak, of course, but the rules are there. Most college campuses have fairly detailed student conduct codes that stipulate these things. It's not as simple as "18 year olds are adults, so they can do what they want."
 
Old 12-26-2010, 09:21 PM
 
6,771 posts, read 6,856,061 times
Reputation: 6938
Quote:
Originally Posted by slbailey617 View Post
Our 18 year old son still lives with us and we've made it very clear to him that we do not approve of him spending the night at his girlfriends house. She is also 18 and lives with her parents. Her parents have no objection and even let them sleep in the same bed. This makes my wife and I absolutely crazy because it goes against everything we were raised and the way we raised him. All we get is that "I'm 18 and you aren't allowed to tell me what to do." To which we've responded that come Jan 1st after the holidays, we're going to help him get his own apartment since he doesn't like the rules living here.

We don't want to kick him out but we also don't enjoy having our son thumb his nose in our face and say "I'll do what I want and you can't stop me."

Steve
To be honest he sounds spoiled and immature, those aren't good qualities in an 18 yr. old. It's time for him to start supporting himself. I'm not saying throw him out in the street today, but if he doesn't follow the house rules tell him it's time to leave and mean it, give him a reasonable date to get work and finances in order and STICK to it. He should pay for his own apt, he has to learn to be grown up who can take care of himself and deal with a world full of rules. You aren't doing him any favors letting him walk all over you and act like a spoiled brat. I know a woman whose 38 year old son is still living with her because he doesn't like working and she just won't put her foot down. What will he do when she is not around? It's actually very sad.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top