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Old 12-26-2010, 09:42 PM
 
6,779 posts, read 6,854,548 times
Reputation: 6938

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
1. That's not true. I know many adults who live with other adults and don't support themselves financially. That doesn't give the other adults a right to dictate the other's actions and every move.

2. Ah, the ole "mommy and daddy" dig. Listen, these parents are allowing their legally adult child to live with them. If the kid screws up, he's an adult. If the kid wants to join the military, he's an adult. But all of the sudden if the kid is doing something the parents don't like he's a "little child". Interesting.

3. I don't buy my own food, pay my own rent or bills. My husband does. Does he then have a right to tell me what I can and cannot do?
Don't you and your husband have rules about appropriate behavior? Your husband is an adult, does that mean you have no say if he wants to sleep at another woman's house, get drunk and not show up for plans, or just be a jerk to you because he feels like it? Do you treat him with disrespect and expect it to be fine because you are both adults and can do whatever you want?

Life is full of rules, and people who live in the same house always have certain rules of behavior they expect the other to follow. A true grown up usually knows they have to respect people they share space with, be it at work or home and if they don't show respect they will be asked to leave. This kid may legally be an adult, but he sounds like a spoiled child who needs to grow up and actually act like an adult.

 
Old 12-26-2010, 09:53 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,940,518 times
Reputation: 30256
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Hopes- of course anybody who is not living by the rules should be asked to leave with time to get packed for this move. I don't think anybody is advocating throwing the kid on the street likeyou have seen happen to some of the teens you have harbored.

But once the announcement has been made that "You must abide by my rules while you are living in my house saving for your own place" then the kid (adult) should abide by those rules or he will get kicked out. Every work place, job, relationship has ground rules and kids need to learn this fact right in their own core family home.
That's fair notice to say, "As long as you follow our rules going forward, you can stay here until you have the money and find a place to live." As long as the rules aren't preventing the young adult from working to earn the money. I've seen parents put their children between a rock and a hard place. I'm not saying you would. Not at all. However, as you already know, I've witnessed some terrible parenting over just the past few years. There are some really twisted and cruel people out there who call themselves parents.

Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
I honestly cannot imagine the two sets of parents of 18 year old adults sitting down and discussing the sex lives of their adult children even to okay it. To me that's taking parenting pretty far.
I agree. I just take issue with the posts that are blaming the girlfriend's parents---assuming the girlfriend's parents approve----and saying to kick the son out to go live with the girlfriend's parents. That's making a lot of assumptions being made about the girlfriend's parents. Since I recently know someone who had this experience, I'm trying to point out that it's extremely inconsiderate to push parenting problems onto another parent. Nobody wants to raise someone else's children---adult or otherwise. People do it out of the kindness of their hearts. They don't hope for it nor do they wish for it. They don't hold it against the children or young adults, but they definitely resent the parents who didn't bother to parent and kicked their child out expecting other parents to take their kids into their homes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
This should have been taught all the way along, so it isn't a big surprise when they are 18....
Totally agree. But I've seen parents who didn't teach their children a damn thing and then just tossed them out. It's just sick. And I do question what the OP taught her son considering she has simply been charging him money for not doing housework. She TAUGHT him to take advantage of her. She TAUGHT him that it was okay to buy his way out of contributing to the household. That's not teaching a child to be responsible or respectful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951 View Post
When these 18 year old adults are living in college dorms, they are also prohibited from having sleepovers with boyfriends/girlfriends. The students can sneak, of course, but the rules are there. Most college campuses have fairly detailed student conduct codes that stipulate these things. It's not as simple as "18 year olds are adults, so they can do what they want."
You're in for a big surprise. The rules are fairly relaxed in the dorms these days. There are no curfews. They are allowed to have friends for guests. Since many dorms are co-ed, there's no way to know if a guest is a boyfriend or girlfriend or just a friend. (Plus, the girlfriend/boyfriend might live in teh same dorm on the same floor!) Some areas of the country might have stricter dorm policies, but it's still not like the 60s. There isn't a nasty dorm master walking the halls and enforcing the rules. As a matter of fact, the rules are very simply at the dorms around here: no loud music or loud disturbances after 11pm. That's about it. They can come and go as they please. They can have friends over, etc.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 10:23 PM
 
Location: Middle America
35,817 posts, read 39,334,463 times
Reputation: 48613
Respecting rules and boundaries in one's parents' home, where one is living, voluntarily, as an adult, is hardly "being controlled." This person is obviously free to go live in another situation if the terms of those whose house it is are too much for him. His living with mom and dad is a choice.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 10:56 PM
 
852 posts, read 1,135,419 times
Reputation: 1042
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
You're in for a big surprise. The rules are fairly relaxed in the dorms these days. There are no curfews. They are allowed to have friends for guests. Since many dorms are co-ed, there's no way to know if a guest is a boyfriend or girlfriend or just a friend. (Plus, the girlfriend/boyfriend might live in teh same dorm on the same floor!) Some areas of the country might have stricter dorm policies, but it's still not like the 60s. There isn't a nasty dorm master walking the halls and enforcing the rules. As a matter of fact, the rules are very simply at the dorms around here: no loud music or loud disturbances after 11pm. That's about it. They can come and go as they please. They can have friends over, etc.
No. Actually, I won't be surprised at all. You do realize that I've taught at three different universities since 1993, all of which have plenty of rules regarding dorm conduct? For example, my current campus has a 10 am-midnight restriction for guests in the dorms. Students may apply to have guests stay overnight, but the request has to be made two weeks in advance. Students may disregard the rules (and I'm certain they do), but the rules are there, as are rules governing speech, classroom conduct, etc. Granted, these rules were designed more to encourage respect for other members of the campus community, but I think that in the OP's case, the issue is a matter of respect (rather than a matter of morality). The world is full of rules, even for adults.

Last edited by lucygirl951; 12-26-2010 at 11:15 PM.. Reason: clarification
 
Old 12-27-2010, 02:10 AM
 
6 posts, read 36,920 times
Reputation: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
"I've lived 18 years as your kid, I'm now an adult and I can do as I please. It pleases me to sleep in my own bed when I want to , or anywhere else it pleases me, I get to eat your food, use your internet, drive "my" car and expect all the other things you have given me whether I'm in school or worikng or just "finding myself". You cannot throw me out cause I'm entitled."
I see this from a lot of people but no one seems to offer advice on how to deal with it when it happens. Everyone's saying tell him to get his own place, etc. and that's what I'm doing on a long term solution but are there short term steps I can take to try to change things now? Or am I, as many seem to elude to, just screwed because I never taught him respect as a child?

Oh, and by the way, to clear up a few things:

- The GF's parents were OK with him spending the night and felt reasonably confident that sex was not happening (I kind of believe that myself as well -- just a different tone he takes with me when we talk about sex)
- I do not go directly into his bank account (my wife corrected me on that). We make him write us a check for the work we do for him because he didn't do it.
- He does have a job and is a very responsible, hardworking man at his job. In the middle of the snow storm today his boss told him to leave early and he said he wasn't going to because he didn't want to leave his coworker alone to deal with the mess.
 
Old 12-27-2010, 02:28 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,940,518 times
Reputation: 30256
Quote:
Originally Posted by slbailey617 View Post
I see this from a lot of people but no one seems to offer advice on how to deal with it when it happens. Everyone's saying tell him to get his own place, etc. and that's what I'm doing on a long term solution but are there short term steps I can take to try to change things now? Or am I, as many seem to elude to, just screwed because I never taught him respect as a child?
The best you can do is impress upon him the seriousness of how you feel about this. I would sit him down and explain that he has to move out if he doesn't want to live by the rules of your house. Tell him that he has time to earn enough money for rent and security deposit and locate an apartment. And he is expected to live by the rules of the house during the time period it takes for him to get his affairs in order. Make sure you spell out the rules very clearly---write them down. That way there is no miscommunication.

It's important to schedule this meeting so it doesn't sound like you are merely complaining as usual. I highly recommend taking him out to eat or for a soda at a restaurant. Make it an official, formal meeting. Have the rules already written up so he is provided with official documentation to reference. Since you've allowed him to get away with poor behavior, it's vital that you make it clear that you mean business. He has heard you complain without any consequences. As a result, you need to find a way for him to understand that this time you are serious.

Quote:
Originally Posted by slbailey617 View Post
- The GF's parents were OK with him spending the night and felt reasonably confident that sex was not happening (I kind of believe that myself as well -- just a different tone he takes with me when we talk about sex)
Okay. PLEASE disregard the advice to kick your son out to live at the girlfriend's house. Just because they allowed him to sleep over does not mean that they want your son to move into their house, nor does it mean that they want to take on your responsibility of teaching your son how to be an adult.

Quote:
Originally Posted by slbailey617 View Post
- I do not go directly into his bank account (my wife corrected me on that). We make him write us a check for the work we do for him because he didn't do it.
I'm glad to hear you're not messing with his bank account. BUT can't you see how making him pay for work he didn't do is counter productive? Can't you see how you taught him he has a choice to not help out around the house?

Quote:
Originally Posted by slbailey617 View Post
- He does have a job and is a very responsible, hardworking man at his job. In the middle of the snow storm today his boss told him to leave early and he said he wasn't going to because he didn't want to leave his coworker alone to deal with the mess.
Make sure you let him know that you are proud of his successes. Adult children tune out their parents if they only hear complaints.
 
Old 12-27-2010, 06:02 AM
 
1,302 posts, read 1,529,167 times
Reputation: 1916
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951 View Post
No. Actually, I won't be surprised at all. You do realize that I've taught at three different universities since 1993, all of which have plenty of rules regarding dorm conduct? For example, my current campus has a 10 am-midnight restriction for guests in the dorms. Students may apply to have guests stay overnight, but the request has to be made two weeks in advance. Students may disregard the rules (and I'm certain they do), but the rules are there, as are rules governing speech, classroom conduct, etc. Granted, these rules were designed more to encourage respect for other members of the campus community, but I think that in the OP's case, the issue is a matter of respect (rather than a matter of morality). The world is full of rules, even for adults.
I would be stunned if these rules were actually followed. STUNNED.
 
Old 12-27-2010, 06:14 AM
 
2,251 posts, read 4,311,198 times
Reputation: 3709
I think allowing him to ignore chores for a fee is a bad plan. Chores not only get things done but it shows a respect for the household and contributing to its operation. When I was younger, if I thought I could avoid scrubbing the entire bathroom for five bucks I would have jumped at the chance. You have a problem now though. You've let that go on and now if you try to get rid of that arrangement, what is your plan when he says "Well, I'm not doing it"? Unfortunately for you, this is a situation that you created.

If he's so responsible at work, then why is he blowing off chores at home? Why is he constantly lying to you and being disrespectful? Have you actually sat down with him and had a heart to heart talk about what's going on? Or are you doing nothing and stewing on it until you get so pissed that you are unable to have a rational discussion about it?

You sound resentful that you are providing a home (food, internet, etc.) and he seems to be happily spending time at his GFs home, working, eating, hanging out online and whatever, yet he's treating you-- the one providing for his needs-- like dirt. If you want to know why that is, ask him.
 
Old 12-27-2010, 06:18 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,608,566 times
Reputation: 46994
To the OP. I think Hopes has given you excellent advice. I know how hard it is to deal with a kid growing up who thinks he is already there. I also can relate to being defensive about your errant child when you have laid out the problem honestly and then people come on here and call him names and blast you for poor parenting.

I commend you for trying to do the right thing and it is not too late at all. I think instead of looking at the money he already pays you as payment for jobs he hasn't done, it should be reversed as he is paying you for the privlege of living in your house and oh BTW living in this house even with some rent being paid means helping out with certain chores and abiding by the house rules.

I think at this point, I would just drop the "Don't spend the night with your GF" request. That is water under the dam. And if 4 adults think their 2 teenagers are sleeping in the same bed and not having sex, then you have 4 very gulible and naive parents. As parents we just have to accept our "adult" kids are having sex and hope we have prepared them for the consequences.

I do think some reinforcement of education on birth control and paternal responsibility is in order.

I sincerely hope you and your son can come to terms about this and have mature discussion about it all. But you have to nip this bad behavior and entitlement mindset in the bud before it gets any worse.
 
Old 12-27-2010, 06:43 AM
 
27,993 posts, read 19,641,873 times
Reputation: 16471
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
Totally different situation. I bet you bring something to the table as an equal partner in a marriage. An 18 yo living at home is not bringing something to the table as an equal partner to the household.
BS. Every member of a family contributes *something* to the unit. Even my elementary aged and preschool aged children do. It doesn't have to be green to be a contribution.
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