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Old 12-27-2010, 08:14 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,672,835 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
Telling the adult child where he can and cannot go OUTSIDE THE HOME when it is neither dangerous nor illegal *is* controlling.

I agree. I think the real issue is the child does not have the same moral beliefs as the parents and this is probably the reason for the disrespect.

 
Old 12-27-2010, 08:15 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,672,835 times
Reputation: 1711
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
"..as an equal partner...."

Where did I say they brought "nothing"? You conveniently forgot the rest of the quote. You seem to feel that each living thing in a house is on equal footing. That is not how it works in my house - you can choose differently for your house if you so choose. My contribution to my household (whether or not I am employed) is not equal to that of my child - even if s/he is 18.

It might be if she lives on a farm .
 
Old 12-27-2010, 08:17 AM
 
Location: Denver area
21,137 posts, read 22,107,592 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
It might be if she lives on a farm .
If she lives on a farm with the 18 yo's name on the mortgage/title and where s/he is equally responsible for the consequences if the crops/livestock fail.
 
Old 12-27-2010, 08:19 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,672,835 times
Reputation: 1711
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
If she lives on a farm with the 18 yo's name on the mortgage/title and where s/he is equally responsible for the consequences if the crops/livestock fail.

Everyone would be actually since if they fail everyone is going to be affected.
 
Old 12-27-2010, 08:19 AM
 
1,302 posts, read 1,529,398 times
Reputation: 1916
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951 View Post
It depends. The students in the honors and athletic dorms follow the rules pretty closely. In the other dorms, not so much. But if students are caught breaking the rules, there are sanctions. That's the adult world, and that was my point. Life is about following the rules, whether we agree with them or not.
My sons both lived in co-ed dorms. I am also pretty sure my oldests girlfriend essentially lived in his dorm room. Not a word was ever said to him and he was an athlete. :shrugs:
 
Old 12-27-2010, 08:24 AM
 
Location: Denver area
21,137 posts, read 22,107,592 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
Everyone would be actually since if they fail everyone is going to be affected.
No...being affected is totally different than being responsible. If I loose my job, can't make the mortgage etc and lose the house, my kids are affected regardless of age. That does not make them responsible as equal partners in the ownership or running of the household. At least in my world. When they grow up and purchase their own home, they can have whatever crazy rules they like. They can have a rule that in their home, one wears purple on Tuesdays. If I, as some point, live with them in their home, I would be subject to their rules also. Posters are getting distracted because they don't agree with the rule and want to argue that part...It's not the rule that's in question, it's the idea that the OP has a right to expect that those who live in his house abide by the rules. At 18, if one is claiming to be an "adult" one ought to understand that basic principle. He is free to move out if he does not want to follow the conditions of living there. That is the being an adult part, the ability to make the decision.
 
Old 12-27-2010, 08:26 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,672,835 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LeavingMassachusetts View Post
My sons both lived in co-ed dorms. I am also pretty sure my oldests girlfriend essentially lived in his dorm room. Not a word was ever said to him and he was an athlete. :shrugs:

To be honest mass my older sister and brother went to college about 20 years ago and the rule was never enforced then and it wasn't when i went. So i can only imagine what goes on now .
 
Old 12-27-2010, 08:27 AM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,672,835 times
Reputation: 1711
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
No...being affected is totally different than being responsible. If I loose my job, can't make the mortgage etc and lose the house, my kids are affected regardless of age. That does not make them responsible as equal partners in the ownership or running of the household. At least in my world. When they grow up and purchase their own home, they can have whatever crazy rules they like. They can have a rule that in their home, one wears purple on Tuesdays. If I, as some point, live with them in their home, I would be subject to their rules also.

That's nuts....you wear purple on Wednesdays everyone knows that .
 
Old 12-27-2010, 08:38 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
9,486 posts, read 13,339,114 times
Reputation: 19909
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
If he's an adult at 18, then he should be supporting himself and paying his own rent for his own place.

I think it's the half little child who needs mommy and daddy to provide him a home and everything else but then wants to be an adult when it comes to having sex and making his own rules.

Consistency would be best - if he's an adult, then it's time he begin living like one which means his own place, he buys his own food, pays his own bills.
The flip side of that is the parents who want their kid to behave like an adult, get a job, pay bills, etc. but think that it's perfectly acceptable to treat them like little children still and expect them to follow all sorts of rules. It seems that it's not only the kids that want to have it both ways.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
Exactly...reaching the age of 18 does not automatically confer equal status in a household to adults who are responsible for all kinds of things. That is one of the wonderful things about growing up and moving out. "Freedom" comes with responsibility. When one is able to accept the responsibility, one obtains freedom....

To teach my children that life works otherwise, is doing them a disservice.
I like this. I also think it's reasonable to accept that this is a long process while the child is taking on more responsibilities and the parents loosen up the rules. It's not something that should magically happen overnight on the kids 18th birthday, or on graduation, or the day the kid first gets a job, or whatever yardstick is used to measure 'adulthood'.
Quote:
Originally Posted by slbailey617 View Post
I see this from a lot of people but no one seems to offer advice on how to deal with it when it happens. Everyone's saying tell him to get his own place, etc. and that's what I'm doing on a long term solution but are there short term steps I can take to try to change things now? Or am I, as many seem to elude to, just screwed because I never taught him respect as a child?
My kids are young adults now. By the time we hit the stage you seem to be going through we had pretty much done away with curfews and "rules". Instead we talked about consideration for others, responsibilities, and respect. We discussed that living with other people, whether they be parents, roommates, or spouses means that there is give and take on both sides. I reminded them that I respected their privacy and personal space, their right to make decisions about their lives, etc.
I told them I wanted to be treated with the same respect and consideration they should give to anyone they shared living arrangements with. I wouldn't expect a roommate to throw wild parties at all hours of the night without discussing it first, I wouldn't expect a spouse to come and go whenever without calling to let me know what's going on. I wouldn't expect them to just disappear overnight without letting me know ahead of time that they wouldn't be home that evening, or to come home at three am making all kinds of noise and disturbing my sleep.

My kids were also expected to take up their share of household duties, and no way would I have done it for them and then made them pay for it. Heck if they didn't want to grocery shop or cook they didn't eat, their dirty laundry could pile to the sky, and their rooms could have giant dust bunnies devouring the furniture and it would be their problem, not mine. Sort of a preview of what they would face once they were on their own.

Ultimately it does come down to "I'm the parent and your still living in my house" kind of thing, but I've never been a huge fan of the "because I say so" approach. I always felt like whenever possible kids should know the reasoning behind why certain behaviors are expected.
 
Old 12-27-2010, 08:42 AM
 
2,596 posts, read 4,638,950 times
Reputation: 3949
If the son decides to go out and live in the dorms, then he either follows the dorm rules or he deals with the consequences of breaking them. Now, whether or not they're strictly enforced is up to the dorm--he takes his chances as surely as the rest of the kids.

All in all, whether we make the issue about disrespect, a child mooching off his parents, or premarital sex, it sounds like it's high time for this young man to be out on his own, responsible for himself and his own decisions. It seems like the crux of the matter is that he is seeking to behave like a full-fledged adult in some ways (wanting to make his own rules) while wanting the same privileges a child enjoys (free room and board without having to really contribute in an age appropriate way or following the household rules.)

Like it or not, the person who owns the house gets to set the rules, whether it's a landlord saying "no pets" or a parent setting rules and a curfew. If the son wants more freedom, he needs to put his money where his mouth is by getting a job, paying for his own place and enjoying that freedom.
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