Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Actually to my understanding that rule is rarely enforced....and many dorms are going coed so that's pretty much going to be a moot point soon.
Actually, all of the dorms on my campus are already coed, but the men/women are on different floors. Typically, there are two-four same sex roommates in suites. If the roommates report overnight guests, the offending roommate is sanctioned. And that is the point, again, for those of you who keep choosing to miss it. If adults are caught breaking the rules, there are consequences. Just like the 18 y.o. in the original post. He continues to break the house rule. His father is seeking advice on how to handle it. Whether or not it's a reasonable rule (according to others who are not in the family) is the moot point.
If the son decides to go out and live in the dorms, then he either follows the dorm rules or he deals with the consequences of breaking them. Now, whether or not they're strictly enforced is up to the dorm--he takes his chances as surely as the rest of the kids.
All in all, whether we make the issue about disrespect, a child mooching off his parents, or premarital sex, it sounds like it's high time for this young man to be out on his own, responsible for himself and his own decisions. It seems like the crux of the matter is that he is seeking to behave like a full-fledged adult in some ways (wanting to make his own rules) while wanting the same privileges a child enjoys (free room and board without having to really contribute in an age appropriate way or following the household rules.)
Like it or not, the person who owns the house gets to set the rules, whether it's a landlord saying "no pets" or a parent setting rules and a curfew. If the son wants more freedom, he needs to put his money where his mouth is by getting a job, paying for his own place and enjoying that freedom.
And that is the point, again, for those of you who keep choosing to miss it. If adults are caught breaking the rules, there are consequences. Just like the 18 y.o. in the original post. He continues to break the house rule. His father is seeking advice on how to handle it. Whether or not it's a reasonable rule (according to others who are not in the family) is the moot point.
I haven't missed your point, but I think it's a bad comparison. In college dorms, young adults sneak around and there are consquences if caught. With that thought process, that means that the OP's son should sneak around and say that he's sleeping at his friend Joe's house. I realize you are mostly trying to point out that there should be consquences, but you're also providing an example where sneaking is the standard. At least the OP's son was honest about sleeping over at his girlfriend's house. I'm not saying he should sleep at the girlfriend's house--I'm just pointing out the honesty factor is relevant the OP's situation and the dorm scenario is devoid of the honesty factor.
I haven't missed your point, but I think it's a bad comparison. In college dorms, young adults sneak around and there are consquences if caught. With that thought process, that means that the OP's son should sneak around and say that he's sleeping at his friend Joe's house. I realize you are mostly trying to point out that there should be consquences, but you're also providing an example where sneaking is the standard. At least the OP's son was honest about sleeping over at his girlfriend's house. I'm not saying he should sleep at the girlfriend's house--I'm just pointing out the honesty factor is relevant the OP's situation and the dorm scenario is devoid of the honesty factor.
I wasn't talking about you, Hopes. And actually, I see the distinction you're making between dorms and the OP's situation.
Yes you're right I'm sure the two teens are playing cards in bed......silly me
There aren't just teens, there are 18 and by law they are adults, BY LAW, its the LAW, you can't trump it with your magical parental powers just because you aren't happy with them being 18 and having sex, if they want to "play cards" in bed that is up to them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ColbyInFallston
That along with fear of 'damaging their self-esteem'!
This post caught my eye because we were dealing with a similiar situation...our son is 18 as well and for a little while there was one excuse after another as to why he would be spending the night at his gf's house. They do live about 40 miles away and much closer to the mountains but still. He contributes his part of the car insurance and cell phone. He also bought a beater of a car with his graduation money, so he does not have a car payment. He works part-time and will be (hopefully) attending school soon.
However. I don't really give a damn as to how old he is...our home will not be treated as a place to crash when it's convenient for him. It really is that simple. And to make matters even more interesting he was coming home 2, 3am which I wasn't entirely comfortable with, but didn't raise too much of a complaint. Until about a week before Christmas, when my husband's dispatcher's 18yr old son was killed in a wreck where he (of course) was driving too fast for conditions as well as not wearing a seatbelt. That put a stop to him coming home after 1pm.
18 year olds are not adults...many even say that 21 yr olds are not adults. The part of the brain that controls judgement and self-control is not fully formed until almost the mid 20s.
I just don't understand why so many kids think it's fine to completely disregard their parents. And that is the crux of the issue IMO.
Doesn't matter if they aren't financially responsible or not or if they are mature or not, they are 18 and by law they are granted adult rights to do as they please OUTSIDE the house. If that means the 18 year old wants to spend the night at his gf's house to get a piece, then he can because he is not doing it under his parents roof.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nayabone
I get it, you write comic books for a living and have never experienced real life... or, you're a stand-up comic...
I think this quote was regarding teens being able to sleep in the same bed and not have sex and it's true, I may not be a teen but I can sleep in the same bed as a guy and not have sex with them and have done so recently.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25
1. That's not true. I know many adults who live with other adults and don't support themselves financially. That doesn't give the other adults a right to dictate the other's actions and every move.
2. Ah, the ole "mommy and daddy" dig. Listen, these parents are allowing their legally adult child to live with them. If the kid screws up, he's an adult. If the kid wants to join the military, he's an adult. But all of the sudden if the kid is doing something the parents don't like he's a "little child". Interesting.
3. I don't buy my own food, pay my own rent or bills. My husband does. Does he then have a right to tell me what I can and cannot do?
I agree with this. Just because you aren't paying doesn't mean you don't have any rights, everyone 18 + has their adult rights regardless and no one can go above the law and take those rights away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25
No, being an adult is about being over 18, period. There is no statute in any law stating one must be totally financially independent to be considered an adult.
Not sure what in the heck you are trying to say with your second paragraph.
Agree 100%.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maureensacks
If the girlfriends parents think so little of their child as to serve her on a silver platter to a boy, I would let them know either by a phone call or through my son that I do not agree with this arrangement. True when my child leaves my home I have very little control over what they do (18) but I'll be darned if they are going to do it in my home!
There are not serving her on a platter to a boy. She is 18+ as well and is in a relationship and can have sex if she wants.
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute
What on earth is so wrong with 18 year olds moving out? If I was the parent of the daughter and she insisted on bringing men into the home to have sex with, she would be told to pack up and move out.
18 year olds that want to see themselves as all grown up should be moving out - people have moved away from home at age 18 for centuries. Some are even so grown up they moved out and married - and they did just fine.
By age 18, it's not so much about parenting the child any more, it's about respect for the parents' home and opinions.
And to be honest - when it comes to 18 year olds, I wouldn't really consider the two sets of parents calling each other up and talking about their kids' sex lives.
PUHLEASSSEEE she is not "bringing home men to have sex with" she is in a RELATIONSHIP with her BOYFRIEND and is having sex with her BOYFRIEND like any other adult would do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece
"rules for my home" is one thing but does that include everything the kid does outside of the home though? Who they are friends with? They kind of job they have? The clothes they wear? At some point it's not a "house rule" anymore.
Its plain and simple, they can control what goes on inside their home and on their property and other than that they can't do anything about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute
I honestly cannot imagine the two sets of parents of 18 year old adults sitting down and discussing the sex lives of their adult children even to okay it. To me that's taking parenting pretty far.
I think it's perfectly fine for the OP to tell his kid to pack up and move out and grow up. Moving out is a great way to grow up actually. The son will find out about rent, bills - all the things adults should know about.
What the girlfriend's parents do is really up to them. They can invite him in and feed him if they like - and if their daughter has babies, it's up to them if they want to also support the babies too.
It's also good though for the father to discuss the child support issue with his son because an 18 year old having sex can become responsible for that even if he has never yet had a job. It's fair enough to talk about the responsibility that comes with sex - and a kid still not paying rent or any bills should be made aware that 25% of his future income can be taken from him - because the courts won't see him as a little child that still needs to be parented and supported.
I think that's why so many people think that an 18 year old boy having overnights with his girlfriend should be encouraged to grow up in other ways also and learn what it's like to pay some bills.
Quote:
Originally Posted by slbailey617
I see this from a lot of people but no one seems to offer advice on how to deal with it when it happens. Everyone's saying tell him to get his own place, etc. and that's what I'm doing on a long term solution but are there short term steps I can take to try to change things now? Or am I, as many seem to elude to, just screwed because I never taught him respect as a child?
Oh, and by the way, to clear up a few things:
- The GF's parents were OK with him spending the night and felt reasonably confident that sex was not happening (I kind of believe that myself as well -- just a different tone he takes with me when we talk about sex)
- I do not go directly into his bank account (my wife corrected me on that). We make him write us a check for the work we do for him because he didn't do it.
- He does have a job and is a very responsible, hardworking man at his job. In the middle of the snow storm today his boss told him to leave early and he said he wasn't going to because he didn't want to leave his coworker alone to deal with the mess.
Here is your short term solution:
You set a list of things he needs to get done as a roommate in YOUR house, he:
A) Needs to be cleaning up after himself and keep his areas of the house clean.
B) Needs to help with 1-2 chores a week, taking out the trash or whatever.
C) Needs to just tell you where he will be and if he will be back for the night.
You are wanting him to be a mature and responsible adult but asking those things of him and then telling him, you can't have sex, you can't spend the night at your girlfriends house is backfiring on you.
He IS having sex, I can take many tones with my mom and if she asked me today if I was having sex I would say no, yes it is a lie but personally I do not think it is her business and I do not want to talk to her about it.
Have him contribute to something financially.
But respect him as an adult, if he wants to have sex, you cannot say no, he is 18 and you cannot go above the law just because you are his parent, if he wants to stay the night at his gf's house, you cannot say no because he is 18.
But if he wants to continue to have a place to live then he needs to contribute to something financially and needs a list of stuff weekly that he needs to do and no attitude.
Other than that he works and had a steady girlfriend and you should stop trying to control that aspect of his life.
People say he shouldn't have the attitude and should obey all rules but he has the attitude because the rules are unfair and childish, he is unhappy.
Yes, he should obey the rules of the house but that the same time the rules of the house for him NEED to be age appropriate. It IS unreasonable to expect someone to blindly follow rules that make him unhappy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25
Telling the adult child where he can and cannot go OUTSIDE THE HOME when it is neither dangerous nor illegal *is* controlling.
It is VERY controlling.
I am an adult that lives with other adults.
I pay rent, well I work off my hours and get paid after my hours are worked off.
I contribute to the house etc etc.
They cannot tell me where I can and cannot go.
They cannot tell me that I can't spent the night at my boythings house, which I do quite often, as long as I am up and ready and alert for work there is nothing they can say. Just because I LIVE there does not mean that the person with the name on the title has control over what I do outside the house.
I respect things at the house, I notify them when I am going to be gone, and I don't bring the boything by to stay the night. I can have friends over and female/male friends spend the night and we have to be quiet by a certain time but if I want to go spend the night at the boythings house and have sex all night, no one can stop me, no one has legal right over me to do so, just like no one has legal right to tell the 18 year old op's son if he can have sex and stay the night at his girlfriends house or not.
My dorm was co-ed, and as far as I know there were no restrictions on visitors, and no one was checking to see where I spent the night. We were, after all, legal adults, and were paying to live there. I consider dorms to be a very different situation than an 18 year old kid living with his parents.
And as noted, the OP isn't kicking his son out of the house; he's giving advance notice, and presumably the son has had time to think about it and to decide whether or not it's worth giving up living at home for the right to spend the night at his girlfriend's house. He is an adult (yes, I do think 18 year olds get credit for that, although I also think that if they're living with their parents their parents have the right to have some house rules in exchange for continuing to house their adult children) and he's old enough to make that decision for himself. To the OP: I might encourage your son to do a sub-let or a month-to-month lease, though, in case he decides that he doesn't like living (or at least paying) to live on his own so much after all! On the other hand, he might love it and thrive, and that's not a bad thing, either.
ETA: of course there is no "legal right" involved here, but this kid, while an adult, isn't paying rent (or if he is, I missed that post); he's not a roommate. If he doesn't like the house rules then he can live elsewhere; he's an adult, and he has that right. Just as his parents have the right to place their own restrictions on the people they allow to live in their home.
Well, that is certainly your prerogative and you can choose whatever rules you wish for your home. The OP feels differently however, and is entitled to that same respect. To be able to choose what rules must be abided by for those living in his home.
He presented this on the parenting board which is infamous for debating the rights and wrongs of things.
I think he is wrong in trying to control his adult son so completely. The OP himself has stated he has much more of an issue with the son's attitude vs his sleeping at his girlfriend's home.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
)
