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Old 12-26-2010, 07:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It sounds to me like this kid needs to man up and grow up and get out on his own.
But has the OP taught him any skills to man up and grow up? I see many overcontrolling parents who never taught their children how to be independence and then expect their children to suddenly figure it out when they're not towing the line after 18. And often the line is unrealistic expectations of adult children. The over controlling parents justify it by saying the adult child isn't responsible without realizing it's very hard to learn how to become responsible with parents who control everything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
And the girl's parents aren't too bright so maybe he can go move in and be supported by them.
This annoys me. Dew posted something along this line earlier in this thread. The reason it annoys me is because it's totally backwards for parents with supposedly high parenting standards to push their problems off onto other parents.

This very thing happened to my son's friend. His step mother told him to find a place to live. That night, he stayed over at this girlfriend's house. It was the first time he stayed at his girlfriend's house. He stayed there because he was upset. The next day, his father kicked him out for staying over at his girlfriend's house. I know in their minds they are thinking "if the girlfriend's parents want him sleeping over, they can deal with him and support him."

Meanwhile, the girlfriend's parents didn't want to support someone else's child. They resented that the parents with supposed high parenting standards pushed their responsibilities onto them. Afterall, it would take a very cold hearted person to leave a young teen out on the streets. Just becuase they took him in didn't mean that they wanted to take him in.

And maybe the girlfriend's parents weren't the most perfect parents, BUT they were still TRYING to parent their daughter. They didn't throw in the towel and kick their daughter into the streets.

So all of the parents out there who kick out their children with the mindset that other parents are worse parents---need to keep in mind, those "worse" parents didn't kick their children into the streets! The truly terrible parents are the parents who kick their children out into the streets!

When parents are less than perfect, I give them credit for at least still trying to parent their children instead of giving up and kicking them out. More times than not, the parents who kicked their children out into the streets were just terrible parents all along---and didn't teach their children anything.

When you kick your child out into the streets, EVERYONE will judge you, not just the parents of friends you disapprove. Your neighbors, friends, relatives, coworkers---EVERYONE will judge you. Even if they don't tell you, they will consider you the worst parenting failures ever. Even worse than parents of convicts and drug addicts who are at least still TRYING to parent their children.

Kicking a child into the streets is the lowest of low, worst parenting ever. It's just one notch above sexual abuse IMO.

 
Old 12-26-2010, 07:48 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,739,847 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
No, being an adult is about being over 18, period. There is no statute in any law stating one must be totally financially independent to be considered an adult.

Not sure what in the heck you are trying to say with your second paragraph.
Again - that's your opinion and you are entitled to do whatever you like with your own kids but your way isn't everyone's way. Like it or not.

Others have their own opinions and they can run their homes the way they wish, you aren't the "decider" for everyone else. You decide on your home and your kids. If you want your children to still be supported by you at age 40 - that's up to you.

My kids know that I don't consider them adults until they are out of the nest and flying on their own, until then they have to respect the rules of my home. If they have their own home, then I'll respect the rules they make for it.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 07:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Again it completely depends on how someone feels about it.

If the parents - like the gf's parents are fine with it - that's their problem or perogative.

The OP isn't fine with his kid's attitude and he's got every right to give the kid the boot and it would be best for the kid to learn what growing up really means.

Just like if the girl gets knocked up and he wants to bring his kid home for the parents to take care of - fine if that's what they want but if they want him to grow up and take care of his own responsibilities, that's what they need to have him do.

As for you and your husband, if he pays your whole way and allows you to lay around and do nothing all day while he does everything - it's completely up to him. Others would want a different kind of adult-adult relationship and that's up to them.
Now we are comparing autonomy over one's body to doing nothing all day? REALLY?

Wow.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 07:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Again - that's your opinion and you are entitled to do whatever you like with your own kids but your way isn't everyone's way. Like it or not.

Others have their own opinions and they can run their homes the way they wish, you aren't the "decider" for everyone else. You decide on your home and your kids. If you want your children to still be supported by you at age 40 - that's up to you.

My kids know that I don't consider them adults until they are out of the nest and flying on their own, until then they have to respect the rules of my home. If they have their own home, then I'll respect the rules they make for it.
LOL The Decider for Everyone Else? I never proclaimed to be. But debate is allowed on this board and that's exactly what I am doing.

As are you. Move along.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 07:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
Kicking a child into the streets is the lowest of low, worst parenting ever. It's just one notch above sexual abuse IMO.
We're not talking about a little "child" here, we're talking about an 18 year old adult who wants to be an adult on one hand - doesn't want to listen to or respect his parents, or even let them know when he won't be home. 18 year old is grown up enough to be working and supporting one's self.

I know I certainly was - but if I chose to live in my mom and dad's home, then I lived with their rules and their way of thinking. The same goes for my kids.

And no way is it abuse to have an 18 year old adult move out and be a real adult. No court in this country would say that having an 18 year old move out is just like sexual abuse of a child.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
We're not talking about a little "child" here, we're talking about an 18 year old adult who wants to be an adult on one hand - doesn't want to listen to or respect his parents, or even let them know when he won't be home. 18 year old is grown up enough to be working and supporting one's self.

I know I certainly was - but if I chose to live in my mom and dad's home, then I lived with their rules and their way of thinking. The same goes for my kids.
Which is much different than deciding to sleep over someone's house. I mean the idea that an 18 year old should be told he can or cannot sleep over someone's house is just so preposterous...
 
Old 12-26-2010, 07:54 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,033,856 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
If the parents - like the gf's parents are fine with it - that's their problem or perogative.
Don't make the assumption the girlfriend's parents are fine with anything. They could simply be struggling with it just like the boy's parents. At least the girlfriend's parents haven't kicked their daughter out of the house. At lease they are still trying to parent their daughter---even when she becomes a challenge to parent as a young adult. For all you know, the girlfriend's parents are sitting around wondering why the boy's parents are fine with him sleeping over. The biggest mistakes parents make are assuming what other parents think instead of picking up the phone and talking to one another.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 07:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
Which is much different than deciding to sleep over someone's house. I mean the idea that an 18 year old should be told he can or cannot sleep over someone's house is just so preposterous...
For you - but obviously not for everyone.
 
Old 12-26-2010, 07:59 PM
 
Location: tampa bay
6,450 posts, read 6,464,610 times
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If the girlfriends parents think so little of their child as to serve her on a silver platter to a boy, I would let them know either by a phone call or through my son that I do not agree with this arrangement. True when my child leaves my home I have very little control over what they do (18) but I'll be darned if they are going to do it in my home!
 
Old 12-26-2010, 07:59 PM
 
27,993 posts, read 19,664,892 times
Reputation: 16471
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
For you - but obviously not for everyone.
I would think any logically thinking person would find the idea of controlling another adult so completely is ridiculous and overkill. It's sad that people do not though.
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