18 YO son thinks its ok to spend night @ his GF's house (party, legal)
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Our 18 year old son still lives with us and we've made it very clear to him that we do not approve of him spending the night at his girlfriends house. She is also 18 and lives with her parents. Her parents have no objection and even let them sleep in the same bed. This makes my wife and I absolutely crazy because it goes against everything we were raised and the way we raised him. All we get is that "I'm 18 and you aren't allowed to tell me what to do." To which we've responded that come Jan 1st after the holidays, we're going to help him get his own apartment since he doesn't like the rules living here.
We don't want to kick him out but we also don't enjoy having our son thumb his nose in our face and say "I'll do what I want and you can't stop me."
Hes an adult and so is she , why are you still restricting his activities ? Hes probably rebelling against rules he sees aren't appropriate to his age group? Every Parent needs to give there child some more room once they hit 18 , otherwise risk damaging the relationship they have with there children. Alot of 18year olds live there parents , due to the recession and other $$$ issues. I know 30 year olds that have moved back into there parents house , and aren't restricted by there parents. Does he have a stable job? Or are you going to pay for his apartment?
Helping him get his own apartment, to me, is not kicking him out. Telling him with no notice to pack his bags and get out is throwing him out.
This is probably going to get responses that run the gamut. You have stated that you do not wish to tolerate the situation as it is. There's no point in saying "well, if it was my kid this would be fine and dandy.... he's 18..... leave him be...." etc. because it is you that is in this situation and you will most likely not suddenly decide that this perfectly acceptable because others find it so.
If it's a dealbreaker for you, then helping him become independent sounds like the best plan. Is he working? Can he maintain an apartment if you help him get in?
Hm, I was allowed to sleep at my first gf's house when we were both 15/16.
If it is about sotpping them from having sex, I can tell you, they will have it also without sleeping together. If it is not about, than what is the problem of sleeping together.
You can not stop this simple as it is. Kids grow up, and do what they wany.
It's to easy to do stuff parents do not want but also do not find out.
Anyway, he's 18 so should be allowed to make a decision like that in my opinion.
If he would have his own appartment, which is the case for a lot of students(here at least), this stuff also happens.
So, you're suggesting that he should be allowed to spend the night at his girlfriends house whenever he wants and then he can stay at our house whenever he wants too? Maybe I'm old school but (a) I would have never stayed the night at a girlfriends house and (b) if my parents told me that they really didn't want me to do something then I wouldn't have done it.
I guess I have a hard time letting someone who wants to continue to live in my house rent free and eat my food free of charge and use my telephone and internet free of charge not at least respecting my wishes. We have given him more freedom. The only things we ask of him is to (a) not lie to us [which he continues to do] (b) tell us where he's at so we know he's safe [which he sometimes does] and (c) help out around the house [which he does only after a huge battle]
Maybe I need to rethink my position and let this adult do what he wants, when he wants, and I have no say in the matter. I just suck it up and deal with it.
Well okay, whenever he wants etc etc makes it a bit different.
When I lived at home my parents said, its okay in the weekends only.
And I did do stuff at home, garden/dishwashing and things like that actually.
And we always had to ask or atleast tell before that someone was sleeping over, or that Im not at home for the night so we all knew what we're up to.
It will become a mess if he just doesnt come home on a regular tuesday and tell you the next day ''yeah i decided to sleep there last night blablabla''.
Honestly, my wife and I have chatted and it really boils down to a lack of respect. He doesn't treat us like parents. Last night, CHRISTMAS NIGHT, he left the family party to go spend the night at her house and didn't even say good bye or merry christmas or anything to his mother or me. Other family members are starting to notice how disrespectfully he treats us.
I could probably get by the fact he's sleeping at a girls house (because you're right, that's what adults do) but the constant snubbing his nose at us and yelling at us and treating us like crap is what makes us want to continue to tighten his leash until he starts treating us like parents and not like piles of poo in the front yard.
I'm sorry. Most 18 year olds are not adults. Maybe by legal terms but being able to take care of yourself in all matters financially, physically and emotionally means you are an adult.
I think you are dead right to resent his taking advantage of you and your home. But by paying for him to have an apartment is not kicking him out. That is rewarding him for disrespecting you.
I've raised 7 and , yes I am old but respect and boundaries have no age limit.
Let him know you are dis -satisfied with his complete disregard for your rules and other arrangements have to be made. Start charging him rent and board if he wants to "live by his own rules."
But that may not satisfy you either. I think he is sprouting his wings and needs to have a gentle push to get out. Suggest he talk to the girls parents about moving in them. And surely you have discussed all birth control options with him and his future should he get this girl pregnant.
BTW if you have younger kids still at home, think about the message you are sending if you tolerate this behavior.
I guess I have a hard time letting someone who wants to continue to live in my house rent free and eat my food free of charge and use my telephone and internet free of charge not at least respecting my wishes. We have given him more freedom. The only things we ask of him is to (a) not lie to us [which he continues to do] (b) tell us where he's at so we know he's safe [which he sometimes does] and (c) help out around the house [which he does only after a huge battle]
Your original post discussed the singular issue of him sleeping at his girlfriends home. That is what people responded to. There was no mention of him mooching, lying or being lazy about helping around the house.
You don't have to suck anything up. No one here can tell you what to do. If he's irresponsible, not contributing anything to the household whether it be a token amount of rent or doing chores and otherwise helping out, then by all means, help him get into his own place and give him a chance to fly on his own. If he's unemployed though, in this economy maintaining the apartment won't be easy for him and he may end up back on your doorstep suitcase in hand with nowhere to go.
Honestly, my wife and I have chatted and it really boils down to a lack of respect. He doesn't treat us like parents. Last night, CHRISTMAS NIGHT, he left the family party to go spend the night at her house and didn't even say good bye or merry christmas or anything to his mother or me. Other family members are starting to notice how disrespectfully he treats us.
I could probably get by the fact he's sleeping at a girls house (because you're right, that's what adults do) but the constant snubbing his nose at us and yelling at us and treating us like crap is what makes us want to continue to tighten his leash until he starts treating us like parents and not like piles of poo in the front yard.
I totally see the problem you encountered with your son.
However, this does not only have something to do with the sleeping thing anymore, but like you said the lack of respect. Also we have a family member like this and had problems with it. Also with something like Christmas night.
This is more a matter of talking with eachother and openly tell eachother how you feel and think about it. Here it is normal to spend 1 christmas day at a gf's/bf's house, and the other day at our house and I know a lot of families do it like that. On the other side, the thing with saying merry christmas and not saying goodbye is rather rude and a lack of manners (sorry for saying this but my opinion). Something you should simply tell him.
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