Should I invite my father & stepmother to my college graduation? (divorced, baby)

[Ceece]

An invite to a graduation isn't a reward for having helped you at some point. If you don't care to have them in your life right now don't invite them. It's not going to make or break your future relationship, and if it did then you are better off anyway. If you have a limited number of tix and have other people who you know want to be there for you then that's that. If you don't have anyone else to invite them invite your dad and hope for the best.

[lucygirl951]

You'll never regret taking the high road. Invite them.

[LVKim8]

Just say 'no' to toxic people in your life, family or not. Invite your Mom who supported you in ways that matter more than money. Don't invite them. This will really count later in life. Think if you have your own family, would you want to expose them to people like this? As far as your half-brother you may get to know him as he grows up, who knows, but for now you should concentrate on the next phase of your life, without these people!

Btw, I had a somewhat similar situation, when my father, who barely gave me any support in college, asked to come to my graduation, but my Mom, who sacrificed so much more, could not make it because of work. He gloated in front of his new wife, and took all the photos like a 'proud' Dad. In hindsight, I wish he had not come. To me, it denigrated the person who really deserved to be there, my Mom. I would rather have graduated alone than watch his hypocrisy.

Whatever you decide, good luck in your future.

[Severs]

well the instinct in me would say either dont invite either of them, or just invite your father, but the adult in me says do the right thing and invite both of them, they may not even show up, but at least youd have left that door open for him to be there in your life

ive been in somewhat the same boat, only with my son and my (so called) father, long story short, he has pretty much abandoned me 3 different times, each time all but disappearing of the face of the planet, ignored phone calls, emails and instant messages... ect ect

but i opened the door and told him about my son, birth date, height, weight, time it happened, that sort of thing.. its just left up to him now and in the end, if he chooses not to walk thru that door, or at least knock and say hi... its his loss, not mine, as it will be with your father

[h886]

Originally Posted by LVKim8

Just say 'no' to toxic people in your life, family or not. Invite your Mom who supported you in ways that matter more than money. Don't invite them. This will really count later in life. Think if you have your own family, would you want to expose them to people like this? As far as your half-brother you may get to know him as he grows up, who knows, but for now you should concentrate on the next phase of your life, without these people!

Btw, I had a somewhat similar situation, when my father, who barely gave me any support in college, asked to come to my graduation, but my Mom, who sacrificed so much more, could not make it because of work. He gloated in front of his new wife, and took all the photos like a 'proud' Dad. In hindsight, I wish he had not come. To me, it denigrated the person who really deserved to be there, my Mom. I would rather have graduated alone than watch his hypocrisy.

Whatever you decide, good luck in your future.

I agree with this. I think at this point it sounds like you've given them a lot of chances to reenter your life and they've treated you poorly at every one. I think that if your father decides he wants to reenter your life, he's going to need to demonstrate that he truly cares enough to be there when it "doesn't count" not just showing up for graduation with a big fake smile to pretend he's been there for you all along. I would not cheapen that day (which you worked very hard for and which your mother worked hard to get you to) by having them there.

[The Dissenter]

Originally Posted by rivermeetsanend

Hi, I need some advice...this might be a little long...

I have had a tumultuous relationship with my father and stepmother through the past 16 years. Some years were tolerable, but most were very difficult. My stepmother was emotionally and verbally abusive to my brother and I growing up, but my father was always too passive and afraid to lose her that he would never say anything to defend us; and rather blamed my brother and I for being "bad" kids. It was always our fault for everything that happened, and why we don't have a good relationship with them. She was/is a very selfish person. At this time, I really want nothing to with her and not interested in having her in my life. Anyway, a lot of resentment built up over the years, my father had less and less contact with us, and our relationship was basically non-existant by the time my brother and I reached adulthood.

So anyway, I grew up living with my mother who was single, and very poor with hardly any help from my father. By the time I reached 18, I had to take care of myself completely; including my car, food, college, room & board, which is fine, I have my health, my mom and I can't complain too much. But it is a bitter pill to swallow when your father owns his own business, has a wife that doesn't work, a son between them in private school (oh and pre-paid college!), makes over $250,000 yearly, and flies all over the country to go on vacation. Anyway, at 22 I was working full time and going to school full time and struggling trying to do both. So my dad decides to pop back into my life now, and feeling guilty (or really, who knows!) offers to help me out by moving in with him. This would help me finish college so I don't have to work so much anymore.

So I instinctively feel like this is a bad choice, but my mind tells me to go with it because I will not only have to worry less about money but I can hopefully rebuild my relationship with them (and their son, who is my half brother!) and let bygones be bygones. I moved in with them, and my dad told me not to work, he will take care of me...buys me a new car, which was "for me" and I didn't have to worry about a thing. This was all great and I couldn't believe that they were helping me out so much, but I never felt the car was mine (it was in my stepmoms name) and I still felt very weird about the whole situation. Things went ok for a year; I got straight A's, hardly ever went "out", and stuck to my responsibilities.

The beginning of the second year I lived with them, things starting going badly. My stepmother began talking about me behind my back to other family members, and they started asking me to move out and they would "pay for everything". I had a strong feeling that this wasn't completely true and didn't trust them, so I resisted, and begged that I only had less than a year left and I would be finished with college and I wanted to save money before graduating. She said she" decided she didn't like having other adults living in her house". She also has a tendency to blow up in rages and quickly kicked me out of the house for not "doing what they said to do", which was move out. So, there I was, back at square one, having to take care of myself again. I had to reduce the amount of credits I was taking to accomodate more hours from work, they took "my car" away, and I ended up moving in with a girl who turned out to be a drug addict and her friends stole some of my electronics (which I paid for, not my dad...).

This happened six months ago. My dad still thinks this is all largely "my fault". But I try to keep in touch with him on somewhat good terms because he helps me out with my electric bill. I keep in zero contact with my stepmother. I am graduating in May, and I can't wait to get back to my hometown where I have real friends and family nearby that actually care about me! Now, I have a limited number of tickets for my graduation. I am really conflicted about whether or not to invite my dad and stepmother. They DID help me for a little while, but then they basically treated me like a meaningless piece of trash. In 2004, I invited my dad to my highschool graduation but he did not attend because, verbatim, my stepmother once said "I made sure he wasn't around for that". I feel like if I don't invite my stepmother my dad would never go, but I really don't want to see my stepmother at all. And I would feel very guillty for not inviting him. I don't know what the right thing to do is in this situation......sorry this sooooo long, (it's years of my life jammed into a few paragraphs), I really don't know what to do! I feel very sad over the fact that my dad may not be much a part of my life anymore, but at the same time, it's a relief. Any advice?

I didn't invite my father to my HS graduation and I don't regret it since he never expressed any interest in going until after the fact. I'm sorry but for me if you are gonna be in my life, I need you around for the bad times and not just the good.

[hypocore]

I'd say this: If your college graduation is a large scale deal where the only way you will see family or friends is to plan something separate from the actual graduation, then invite him and go on your merry way afterward. He gets to see you graduate, but you don't have to actually spend time with him. These type graduations should include anyone and everyone that may have contributed to your life growing to this point.

If it is a small affair where people will be able to see and mingle with each other before and/or after, then don't invite him. His being there may very well bring you sorrow on your happy day and you shouldn't give him the power to do that. Small affairs should include only those who are involved and happy to share in your achievement.

My ex became a very uninvolved dad after our divorce. My oldest invited him to her high school graduation and we know he came, but he never spoke to anyone. She did NOT invite him to her college graduation. It was small and she had limited tickets as the OP mentioned. She wanted it to be for people who showed they cared.

My second invited him to her high school graduation and he never responded and we have no idea if he showed up at all. She sent him a college announcement as she didn't do actual invitations. It was a very large graduation situation and we have no clue whether he came. Even if he had come he would never found her or anyone else without direct communication and an invitation.

It's been 14 years since the divorce and they might see him once a year, if (big IF) he shows up for a family holiday. He did show up for Christmas this year for the first time in 2 years. There are no regrets about not inviting him to college graduations as he has continued to show them the doesn't really have an interest in their lives. Sad, but that's the way it is.

[The Dissenter]

Originally Posted by rivermeetsanend

Hi, I need some advice...this might be a little long...

I have had a tumultuous relationship with my father and stepmother through the past 16 years. Some years were tolerable, but most were very difficult. My stepmother was emotionally and verbally abusive to my brother and I growing up, but my father was always too passive and afraid to lose her that he would never say anything to defend us; and rather blamed my brother and I for being "bad" kids. It was always our fault for everything that happened, and why we don't have a good relationship with them. She was/is a very selfish person. At this time, I really want nothing to with her and not interested in having her in my life. Anyway, a lot of resentment built up over the years, my father had less and less contact with us, and our relationship was basically non-existant by the time my brother and I reached adulthood.

So anyway, I grew up living with my mother who was single, and very poor with hardly any help from my father. By the time I reached 18, I had to take care of myself completely; including my car, food, college, room & board, which is fine, I have my health, my mom and I can't complain too much. But it is a bitter pill to swallow when your father owns his own business, has a wife that doesn't work, a son between them in private school (oh and pre-paid college!), makes over $250,000 yearly, and flies all over the country to go on vacation. Anyway, at 22 I was working full time and going to school full time and struggling trying to do both. So my dad decides to pop back into my life now, and feeling guilty (or really, who knows!) offers to help me out by moving in with him. This would help me finish college so I don't have to work so much anymore.

So I instinctively feel like this is a bad choice, but my mind tells me to go with it because I will not only have to worry less about money but I can hopefully rebuild my relationship with them (and their son, who is my half brother!) and let bygones be bygones. I moved in with them, and my dad told me not to work, he will take care of me...buys me a new car, which was "for me" and I didn't have to worry about a thing. This was all great and I couldn't believe that they were helping me out so much, but I never felt the car was mine (it was in my stepmoms name) and I still felt very weird about the whole situation. Things went ok for a year; I got straight A's, hardly ever went "out", and stuck to my responsibilities.

The beginning of the second year I lived with them, things starting going badly. My stepmother began talking about me behind my back to other family members, and they started asking me to move out and they would "pay for everything". I had a strong feeling that this wasn't completely true and didn't trust them, so I resisted, and begged that I only had less than a year left and I would be finished with college and I wanted to save money before graduating. She said she" decided she didn't like having other adults living in her house". She also has a tendency to blow up in rages and quickly kicked me out of the house for not "doing what they said to do", which was move out. So, there I was, back at square one, having to take care of myself again. I had to reduce the amount of credits I was taking to accomodate more hours from work, they took "my car" away, and I ended up moving in with a girl who turned out to be a drug addict and her friends stole some of my electronics (which I paid for, not my dad...).

This happened six months ago. My dad still thinks this is all largely "my fault". But I try to keep in touch with him on somewhat good terms because he helps me out with my electric bill. I keep in zero contact with my stepmother. I am graduating in May, and I can't wait to get back to my hometown where I have real friends and family nearby that actually care about me! Now, I have a limited number of tickets for my graduation. I am really conflicted about whether or not to invite my dad and stepmother. They DID help me for a little while, but then they basically treated me like a meaningless piece of trash. In 2004, I invited my dad to my highschool graduation but he did not attend because, verbatim, my stepmother once said "I made sure he wasn't around for that". I feel like if I don't invite my stepmother my dad would never go, but I really don't want to see my stepmother at all. And I would feel very guillty for not inviting him. I don't know what the right thing to do is in this situation......sorry this sooooo long, (it's years of my life jammed into a few paragraphs), I really don't know what to do! I feel very sad over the fact that my dad may not be much a part of my life anymore, but at the same time, it's a relief. Any advice?

After better reading your post, I would say you can invite your father (if you decide) but make it known that you don't want to see the stepmother. That is supposed your day of joy. If you think your dad and/or stepmother is going to screw it up don't invite them. As someone who is also going to graduate college next year and works I know how hard you gotta bust your to do it. The last thing I would want is conflict on my big day.

I kinda can relate to your situation being 22 myself. My dad and I have pretty much no relationship although his wife hasn't given me any trouble. I have no plans to invite him to my graduation next year because of his overall lack of interest in my life. Just because he gave me some money until recently ($50 every month which is not even enough for two weeks worth of gas) doesn't mean he is a father to me. I may just invite him just to see if he'll even make an effort to go (lives in NC, my college is in MO.)

Enough ribbing from me, good luck with whatever you decide.

[beachmel]

I'm so sorry that your life has been what it has, but proud of you that you clearly helped your mom out through some tough times. She must be so very proud of you as well. As for your question/dilemna....here comes my $0.02 worth. I'm with the posters who think you should invite your dad and stepmom....BUT, I'm with the lovely and wise poster who said "Request and RSVP"! Specify the date by which you need a response....(SOON?)!! It would be awfully nice to have notification of yay/nay, so that you can get enough tickets AND give them to people who have truly been your support. I'm sorry things didn't work out with living with your dad and stepmom, but that does happen, you know. Some adults are very uncomfortable with other adults living in their home, not saying it's right, it's just the way some folks are. Clearly, dad is pretty concerned with keeping the wife happy, but it's sad that you're suffering because of it. Look at it this way though, as a wise poster stated.....you could get a decent gift out of this, even if he doesn't show up! LOL....Guilt can work wonders for you!

If they do show, though...be the bigger person, okay? Be grateful, but make sure everyone sees who REALLY supported you throughout your life.....MOM!

[sweetchas]

I would invite them extend the olive branch but if they don't come atleast they were invited.