Is long commute bad for kids? (activities, child, insurance, chart)

[SadDad]

don't do it. 20-30 minutes is ideal, 45 minutes max. I've had commutes of 5 min, 45 min, 1 hr, 2 hours (on a good day), and currently 20 minutes.

When I had a 2 hour commute we were staying with my parents. The intent was to move closer to work, but after 30 minutes on the new job it dawned on me that they had lied through their teeth and my position was a lot different. That and they were borderline insolvent. So there was no way I was moving us closer since I started a new job search at lunchtime on my first day (the industry and position I'm in usually requires a relocation when I change jobs). Thus, the 2 hours was not by design. But I'd leave at 6am and get home at 8pm M-F, sometimes longer hours and sometimes the commute was 4 hours (traffic, weather, accidents, ...). I barely saw my daughter (she was 12 at the time), I never got to see her play in sports, scouts, guitar lessons, doctor visits, teacher conferences, have breakfest, dinner, ... If there was an emergency, well there would have been a problem.

I found a new job in Iowa and wound up with a 5 minute commute. During our time there I got to go to every one of her BB and VB games (home and away), teacher conferences, I gave math class talks, I drove her to school every day, we had breakfest and dinner together, ...

Now all this depends on where you live. Five minutes from the 2hr commute job was a war zone. Try to be as close as possible. Those 7 months I worked at the 2hr commute job had a lot of memories for both me and my daughter that we never had. And, I'll tell you this - it makes her sad too. Twenty-five years from now they'll be happier you saw them in a play than the crown mouldings you gained by adding an extra 45 minurtes onto your commute time.

[StilltheSame]

Originally Posted by SadDad

don't do it. Twenty-five years from now they'll be happier you saw them in a play than the crown mouldings you gained by adding an extra 45 minurtes onto your commute time.

I have never seen it put in such terms - but really well said. I wont forget this.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by SadDad

I barely saw my daughter (she was 12 at the time), I never got to see her play in sports, scouts, guitar lessons, doctor visits, teacher conferences, have breakfest, dinner

People don't really think this part through. If you get off at 5pm and you have an hour commute, you're not getting home until 6pm on a good day. If children's bedtimes are at 8pm, the parent only sees the child for two hours at the most. During the two hours, there's dinner to be cooked and bathtime.

I don't care how much quality time people say they have with their children. It's not quality if it's basically eating dinner together. Getting chores done while riding on the bus or the train don't really free up time with chidlren because all of that stuff can be done after they go to bed anyways.

I realize that many people have an hour long commute because there are no other affordable options, but I think it's a mistake to recommend it to a family that can afford a closer option.

[nana053]

Originally Posted by Miss On The Move

My fiance and I are looking to buy our first home. Where we live currently, he can get to work in 20-40 minutes even in bad weather/traffic...and me 5 minutes to my job of course! We are looking for a city with a better school district and just overall don't plan to stay in our current city which is a suburb that borders Detroit. We value quality of life/leisure and don't want to DRIVE ALL DAY EVERY DAY! I have coworkers who live in very good areas, but it can take them over an hour to and from work each day. Is wanting a commute that's 40 minutes tops unrealistic? If you want a "nicer" area for your kids, you have to keep driving further and further, spending time on the road, that could be time at home? Do you have a commute that you regret? Or do have a longer commute, but your house/area is worth it? I have a nine year old son, and will have children in the future.....please advise!

Simple answer - yes, long commutes are bad for the kids.

Believe it or not, kids need parents paying attention to them more as they get older.

I would suggest looking for a different job nearer the home you buy if the commute is more than 1/2 hour.

[Crazymomof3]

My husband currently has an hour (on a good day) commute in Houston traffic. It's 38 miles one way, so we're looking at almost 80 miles a day, 5-6 days a week. With gas prices rising, it's costing a LOT.

Not to mention the games he's missed, the dinners he's missed....

I'm a SAHM, so I'm anxious for him to leave at 5 (that rarely happens) and eat dinner around 6:30 or so. The kids go to bed at 8, and in that time, there's baths. So really, he only gets an hour or so with them every night.

We've looked at areas closer to his work; he's inside the city of Houston, and it's either costly or there's some not so great areas. The problem is: we like the school district we're in but I really hate living so far out. We go back and forth on the issue....I know my husband doesn't always mind the commute; he has accepted it at this point, but I know he'd rather be 15 mins. from home. Houston is SO spread out that a lot of people live in the 'burbs anyway. If you live here, you accept traffic as a way of life.

[Miss On The Move]

I'm currently in Southfield and feel it's going downhill. I would like Bloomfield Twn, West Bloomfield, Canton, Rochester Hills, Grosse Pointe...but there is no way we are willing to fight traffic...so now I am considering Berkley, Plymouth and Dearborn Heights... Beverly Hills/Franklin would work also, but have limited options in our price range.

[Miss On The Move]

WOW! Such strong opinions! For the most part, there is a resounding "don't do it"! Given the current market, we are able to afford a home in some areas where we wouldn't have in the past...so I do think that was the temptation...ooooh, now we can live in xxx and my son can go to xxxxx. But the reality is, most of the those people who live in those aress are older parents, more established financially, and often the women are SAHM (lucky them, and lucky kids ) that is NOT our situation. We are a young couple and have a middle class income.

But I have felt in my heart that a long commute is not right for us....it just feels great to hear agreement from others on the issue. I had my son really young, and I think maybe a lot of it is guilt/pressure to give him the life he would have had if i had him at 30 vs 17 (yikes, right?)!!!! But hey, I've worked since that age, have been able to command a good income, and we've been ok. Now, I'm engaged to a great guy...and will probably have 2 more kids at a waaaaay later date (I'm 26, he is 30).

I hate to say this....but my story is not the norm... so I kind of want to be "away" from neighborhoods that do have more younger parents, or a large amount of never married mothers... that probably sounds bad...but I notice the difference. I'm going to explore cities that border Detroit but aren't so affected by it. What we have been doing is looking at houses, and mapquesting the address to our jobs....if it says 25 minutes, it's a keeper! Because that is 40 minutes tops if there's a traffic jam, etc. but if it says more than 25 minutes of travel time, we move on, because we imagine that's an hour in snow, or rush hour.

[fallingwater]

Originally Posted by Miss On The Move

I'm currently in Southfield and feel it's going downhill. I would like Bloomfield Twn, West Bloomfield, Canton, Rochester Hills, Grosse Pointe...but there is no way we are willing to fight traffic...so now I am considering Berkley, Plymouth and Dearborn Heights... Beverly Hills/Franklin would work also, but have limited options in our price range.

OP, I saw your post in the parenting forum. I haven't checked it since I responded to you but I also grew up in the Detroit area. I know exactly what you are talking about. Southfield has issues and a friend of mine grew up there. She moved out of state and finally got her parents to leave the city as well. I myself relocated to give my child a better life. We left MI altogether and I think what finally drove us out was the mentality of some of the school districts. The Detroit area is very blue collar. Nothing wrong with blue collar as I grew up blue collar and my husband is in skilled trades, however in my experience college is not promoted as it should be unless the child is honor roll. The thinking is vastly different in the northern burbs of Detroit. My husband commutes 45 minutes for his job. I personally do not consider that a long commute. You can spend a lot of time with your children but is it quality time? Its about quality and not quantity. Peers make a big difference as well.

I do not find the Dearborn Heights school district to be that great. Look at schoolmatters.com for information on various districts. Dearborn Heights has some iffy neighborhoods as well. The best area seems to be off warren and boarding Westland. I would look at Plymouth. As you know MI is taking a beating on real estate prices but it is a great opportunity for people trying to buy. My husband and I joke that if we moved back we could actually live someplace we always wanted to. Just we would need jobs. lol. My niece just purchased a foreclosure in Plymouth for 125k. I have no idea of what your price range is but don't be afraid to bargain or look at repos. Not all of them are destroyed.

[Miss On The Move]

Originally Posted by Hopes

There has to be a safe neighborhood with nice kids somewhere in reasonable distance to work.

btw, Detroit has charter schools. You don't have to pay for private schools.

Are there any close areas just outside of the city limits?

Here's a city data thread on the topic:

where to buy in detroit?

This a whole other issue but in response to charter school....my son is in a charter school now. The school administration and staff are awesome and have a great vision for the youth and the levels that education can be taken to....the PROBLEM is once again, I border Detroit...you don't see any kids who live in a great district coming to charter school...it's generally children from a disadvantaged area to begin with... I have noticed the character of a bulk of the parents at our local schools...often they are younger parents like myself...they are not trying to RAISE their kids. While I applaud them for realizing "my local school is failing, so I'll put little Johnny in this charter school" the bulk of charters are still lower income families...I have been in PTA meetings and seen other parents just playing on their cell phones, complaining about why do we have so many meetings..why so much homework...it's ridiculous...so while I'm impressed with what charter schools are trying to do, I'm still turned off by who the charter schools attract.

When it comes to religion, ethics, race, that can vary no matter what "nicer" area you're in...but the one value that doesn't vary in "nicer" areas....is get your butt up, get educated, and get a career. This value has to be there, because if people didn't hold that value, they wouldn't be able to afford the "nicer" area. And that is a bit of my problem...seriously...here in Michigan...people that are middle class and upper middle class (with families) are trying to get away from Detroit...and people who don't necessarily work, people who rely long term on collecting welfare...them and their kids are migrating into the "bordering" suburbs...which is where I live. This may sound so selfish, but I'm not trying to save the world, I'm trying to give the best to my son and while I want him to be aware of all walks of life, I don't want 10 kids on the block to all be from homes where mom gets welfare, and there's no value on education.

[Miss On The Move]

Originally Posted by fallingwater

OP, I saw your post in the parenting forum. I haven't checked it since I responded to you but I also grew up in the Detroit area. I know exactly what you are talking about. Southfield has issues and a friend of mine grew up there. She moved out of state and finally got her parents to leave the city as well. I myself relocated to give my child a better life. We left MI altogether and I think what finally drove us out was the mentality of some of the school districts. The Detroit area is very blue collar. Nothing wrong with blue collar as I grew up blue collar and my husband is in skilled trades, however in my experience college is not promoted as it should be unless the child is honor roll. The thinking is vastly different in the northern burbs of Detroit. My husband commutes 45 minutes for his job. I personally do not consider that a long commute. You can spend a lot of time with your children but is it quality time? Its about quality and not quantity. Peers make a big difference as well.

I do not find the Dearborn Heights school district to be that great. Look at schoolmatters.com for information on various districts. Dearborn Heights has some iffy neighborhoods as well. The best area seems to be off warren and boarding Westland. I would look at Plymouth. As you know MI is taking a beating on real estate prices but it is a great opportunity for people trying to buy. My husband and I joke that if we moved back we could actually live someplace we always wanted to. Just we would need jobs. lol. My niece just purchased a foreclosure in Plymouth for 125k. I have no idea of what your price range is but don't be afraid to bargain or look at repos. Not all of them are destroyed.

fallingwater, you know exactly what I mean! Yes, I also come from a blue collar family, and as you said there's nothing wrong with blue collar WORK..but there is something wrong with a blue collar MENTALITY; yes, of course Southfield, Redford, Warren, Dearborn, Oak Park, Ferndale, Harper Woods...have all went down and why? Their proximity to the inner city of Detroit Wow, I keep seeing that Dearborn Heights is getting iffy....they are probably having the issue that Southfield is.

We can probably afford more, but are grounded that we won't spend over $150k... there's just TOO many deals from $80k to $150k (stuff that used to be $150k to $300k) for us to overextend ourselves. We currently pay $925/mth in rent plus electric and gas..so we're trying to stay at no more than $1100/mth for mortgage/tax/insurance.

Plymouth and Beverly Hills have inventory in our price range...while it's not as much inventory, there is a bit here and there. I honestly think this is where we will end up. If you know anything about Berkley let me know please thanks again!