What do I tell family members about ex-husband's cause of death? (legally, teens)

[hlsess]

My ex husband died last summer- his mother told me that he had a heart attack- he had addiction problems with pills etc and I just assumed the heart attack was caused by all the different pills that he took- My kids ( 15 and 18 now) were not with him ever in the last few years b/c it wasn't a safe environment. anyway- I had to go and get a death certificate today so my son could renew his passport- and the cause of death says Suicide- polypharmacy with metaxolone poisoning

1- do I mention this to their grandmother that I know
2 Do I tell my kids the truth?

I know that she was trying to hide it from them but I feel like they should know the truth- she is a VERY emotional person- has lost her son and 2 husbands to cancer -

[cpg35223]

I would offer that some things are better told when your children are adults. And, by that, I mean mature adults.

[steelstress]

It's not your place to tell grandma. Your kids, what cpg35223 said.

[rockinmomma]

What benefit would your children get from knowing their father killed himself? Does his cause of death ever come up in conversation?

[Sabinerose]

Gramma already knows... she was trying to keep it from his kids. My opinion: being a teen is emotional and difficult enough at times... finding out your Dad committed suicide would be severely emotionally damaging. Do they really need to know how their father died? I am guessing they already knew he had some drug problems... so why add to the burden by telling them the hard facts. What would it accomplish?

[Steve Bagu]

Many times a newspaper will state the death of a person as being "Natural Causes".

What constitutes that term?. You could name just about any major internal body part as being the cause. Tis not important for people to know the exact cause of a persons death other then a organ failure. In some cases an Autopsy is inconclusive.

An overdose may be a contributing factor depending upon the amount in a persons system thus "Suicide" has to be Legally shown.

My condolences to all parties concerned.

[Gaffer]

I'm for the truth, but considering one of your sons is 15 I would soften the truth with a euphamism am simply tell both his death was the result of an overdose. I question whether the authorities have unquestionable information to show it was, in fact, a suicide.

[h886]

I wouldn't say anything for the time being, although perhaps when they are a bit older I would share it. You can't tell the older boy without him telling the younger one, and I think this would be rough news to get at 15. I'm not sure what benefit you would gain from telling them now. I think when they're a few years older, they'll have more perspective to understand why you didn't disclose the full truth immediately.

[TLTwesten]

I agree. Unless it's brought up in conversation... I don't think it's completely necessary to mention it until your children are all grown up and matured.

Having worked in a funeral home for a year, you need to keep in mind that in the eventuality that they'll need his death certificate themselves -- as you mentioned -- it is already listed there. In a few years I would consider talking to them in a comfortable safe environment.

I've dealt with a lot of suicide and a lot of grieving families. I do apologize for your loss, but always know it was never your fault. Some people are incapable of understanding the help they need to receive and others just refuse. There was no possible way to have foreseen his suicide attempt and unfortunate result.

Reiterate that their father loved them and he simply felt that his situations (whatever they were) were unfixable. That they should never feel helpless and that they will always have an outlet in you and their family and friends and to seek help if and when it is ever needed.

[Hopes]

I would not tell the children their father committed suicide. No way.

Definitely while they are teens. Teens have too much to deal with. It could really mess them up.

If you must, wait until they are adults---well into adulthood when their lives are becoming established and stable, like late 20s, early 30s.

But I don't think I would even tell them as adults unless they needed to know for their own mental health issues.

Otherwise, no good comes from telling them. IMO.