How do you get your adolescents/teens to talk? (parent, boy, activities) - Children, problems, school, daycare, behavior, age, teenagers, infants - Page 2 - City-Data Forum

nana053 · 01-02-2011, 01:59 PM

Share things about your day or your life. Don't ask probing questions.

malamute · 01-02-2011, 03:33 PM

A lot depends on the kid - individual differences. Just like some adults make their lives an open book while others are more private types, so are kids. You have to stay open and let them talk but also accept some are more private. Sometimes you just have to watch for signs that something might be bothering them. Or maybe they don't go on and on about their problems with you because they really don't have any.

NC~Mom · 01-02-2011, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucygirl951

My daughter is 11 too, and what I've learned is that she talks to me more if I listen but don't react strongly. If I start to show too much of a response (like when she's talking about some of the things the girls at school are doing), she'll shut down. She's more likely to talk to me when we're doing something together like baking or cleaning her room than if I just try to talk to her. Also, listen attentively to the silly, chatty stuff too and not just to what seems more crucial. That's been working for me so far, but ask me again in a few years.

I agree...I always has "girl nights" with my daughters...we would listen to music, do each others nails, give facials, do hair...and the conversation flowed.

beachmel · 01-02-2011, 04:06 PM

What a bunch of great information on here y'all! You're getting some good advice OP!

1) It should start young

2) Watch how you react...this includes your facial expressions. They are generally watching you like a hawk! Even if you don't verbalize irritation, shock or frustration, they are watching your face to see how you "really feel" about stuff.

3) Keep your responses to a minimum. Ask questions, but try not to judge the answers. It's okay to sometimes say, "Yeah, I remember someone in school going through that stuff too." Just make sure that you don't turn the conversation around to where it's all about you and your childhood. It's just a way of letting her know that you've been there.

My kids have always been great at talking to me about everything...boys and girl. However, I have shut them down, with a simple, inappropriate facial expression. They don't always want to unload when it's most convenient for us, but it's important to watch the facial expressions that say, "Oh my GOD! AGAIN!!?? Don't you have ANYONE else you can talk to?" LOL So many times, kids at her age are merely "gossipping", but at the same time, they provide perfect opportunites for life lessons.

Example: Oh my gosh mom, Susie is such a sl*t. She's already made out with 4 different boys in my class this year!!

Possible scenarios: 1) Daughter is jealous! Four boys already wanted to make out with her.
2) Daughter really is worried about Susie 3) Daughter made out with 2 boys and is wondering what mom's reaction will be if she finds out! LOL

In either case, it might not be a bad idea to give daughter a bit more love and hugs. If she's looking for affection, she might not be getting enough to make her feel secure. It's a good idea to ask her how she really feels about Susie's behavior and to take the opportunity to discuss the "progression of relationships...AND how Suzie might be searching for affection because she doesn't get it at home....(and that's why we try to show YOU how much we love you)"

BioAdoptMom3 · 01-02-2011, 06:07 PM

Wow you guys, thanks for the wonderful ideas! The car idea totally makes sense. We have tried brushing hair at night in her room, rubbing her feet with lotion, etc. but she rarely says anything then. I'll just try to be more available and spend a little time sharing about my day, and of course maybe go for a few rides, just the two of us.

Thanks again!

Nancy

Bette · 01-02-2011, 06:22 PM

My son, age 21, opens up much more. My daughter, age 26, never really did. We used to go for walks around the neighborhood and starting out, she was quiet. By the time, we finished, she was talking.

I'm more into "feelings" but my daughter is very logical type thinking and can make some good decisions for others. I would say as a young adult, she is not that open with me and it makes me incredibly sad.

golfgal · 01-02-2011, 07:48 PM

Car rides work.

Our boys don't tell us anything, our DD never stops talking

.

A lot of it is just personality and there really isn't anything you can do to change that. The more you push, the more they WON'T talk to you. Just keep the lines of communication open as much as possible. Don't start with "you never tell me anything" or she won't.

Our twins will talk to each other (DD and DS) before they will talk to us. I am fine with that-they are VERY close. As long as they have SOMEONE they trust, great. DS18 will talk with his friends, again, I am ok with that too.

Ceece · 01-02-2011, 11:20 PM

In the car was best. Watching tv is ok too. I don't know, my kids never shut up. Even today my D24 calls me several times a week to rant and rave about whatever.

CArizona · 01-03-2011, 08:21 AM

My parents "lost me" when I became a teen due to their fears and over-protective nature...When I was younger they were more relaxed and calm and rational with me...But when I became a teen they acted like I didn't have a brain in my head and didn't seem to trust me very much anymore...I stopped confiding in them because I wasn't sure how they would react. Would they come all "unglued" and hand me a lecture? They lost their sense of humor. Everything seemed "deadly serious" when I became a pre-teen and teenager and I "clammed up,"

beachmel · 01-03-2011, 09:01 AM

My kids generally tell me more than I "need" to know. LOL What they don't personally tell me, they tell each other, then I get it second hand...usually because a sibling is concerned for their well being. What I really love? .... is when they get in a fight and THEN think they should tell me things that they'd been hiding for their sibling. Hello?????!!! Ummm we NOW have 2 guilty parties here! YOU don't get to use this information to get your sibling in trouble. YOU are now in trouble for withholding information! OWWW! LOL

OP, one on one trips in the car....going out to a special lunch, taking a walk or a bike ride, especially if there's laughter involved is such a great way to get your kids to open up. Does DD have pierced ears?....Hey, even a couple of new pairs of earrings can go a long way toward opening up a young girl's voice!