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Old 01-04-2011, 08:39 AM
 
Location: One foot in CT one in KS
2,172 posts, read 2,896,361 times
Reputation: 6474

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Let it go unless it escalates to the point of intruding on your relationship. I agree with the others that say hashing it out won't clear the air. Confronting her (even lovingly) before she's ready to talk may make things much worse than they are at present.

Your GF's daughter might not know why she's behaving/feeling the way she is. That she's an adult doesn't necessarily mean that she's fully aware of and in touch with her emotions. When the time is right, she will talk with her mother naturally should she feel the need to do so. Your GF needs to be ready for that conversation and you need give her some space to do that when it occurs.

All you can do is what you have already been doing and understand that the daughter's feelings and actions are her own and have more to do with her than either of you. Her feelings aren't something that you can fix like plumbing gone awry. Leave it be for now.
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Old 01-04-2011, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Whiteville Tennessee
8,262 posts, read 15,964,314 times
Reputation: 10024
Maybe the daughter wonders why you wont marry her mother?
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:09 AM
 
2,564 posts, read 3,083,942 times
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In response to some of your questions, my GF and I have been together for just over one year. We do not live together precisely because her daughter (Jena) has moved back. We're OK with that as we assume that Jena will move out in the near future now that she is fully employed in her profession. We are looking forward to cohabitation once Jena moves out. However, we are not pressuring her to do so.

Jena has an exemplary BF who loves and respects her very much. They spend much time together at the house, usually playing video games as do most 20-something year olds of this generation (that baffles me, but that's a topic for another forum). I highly doubt Jena feels jealousy. If anything, she may feel that I'm trespassing into her "pre-college territory."

To poster No Kudzu I whole heartedly believe that your opinion is probably the reason why Jena is acting this way. It could very likely be that she feels "entitled" to recuperate the pre-college comfortable life afforded to her by her mother. I see how my GF washes her clothes and feeds her, surely the way she did when Jena was in high school.

I observe how my GF caters to her daughter's needs. But I've opted not to comment on it. It's not my place to tell my GF what she should and should not do for her daughter. But honestly, I don't agree with it. I see way too many young adults today displaying this entitlement behaviour. Seems like young adults now a days are having a difficult time accepting their roles as independent adults. Most seem to want mommy's and/or daddy's sheltering for as long as possible.

I face similar issues with my adult children. But in my case, I've given my children a clearly defined deadline which will mark the end of daddy's gravy train. At that point, it will be sink or swim for my children, just the way it was for many of us when we were young adults. I myself have been on my own since I was 19. Can't understand these 20-something year olds who just want to be at home playing video games all the time.

But, back to Jena, I will take No Kudzu's advice and not pay much attention to Jena's behaviour. Any other thoughts are indeed welcomed. Thanks!
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:20 AM
 
2,564 posts, read 3,083,942 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Also we don't know about her Dad but she may resent that you have taken her Dad's place.
In response to the above, Jena loves her dad, but does not get along with him well. Her father has a very large house in which he lives by himself. But because they do not get along, Jena prefers living with her mother.

Because she does not get along with her dad, I don't think Jena feels like I'm taking her father's place.
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:24 AM
 
Location: overlooking the mighty MO
697 posts, read 1,087,988 times
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if momma is starting to see the rift just let her handle it-- she's her daughter not yours-- just keep doing what your doing-- good luck from the old man
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:26 AM
 
2,564 posts, read 3,083,942 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. Dan View Post
Maybe the daughter wonders why you wont marry her mother?
Marriage is off the table, at least for now, for several reasons which I will not discuss. It's a likely probability sometime down the road after we've cohabitated, but not right now.

BTW, I've made this clear to my GF, and she understands.
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:28 AM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,258 posts, read 12,587,428 times
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IMO just two little chickies clamoring for the attention of the male gender. It is just this easy.
Also time with you means less time mommie spends on her precious one. The daughter is selfish.
Take your GF out every night for dinner then she cannot cook for this other adult!
Take your GF home with you every weekend so she is not the cook and maid for this adult!
After we raise our children we have very few years to really enjoy ourselves before old age sets in, enjoy!
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:35 AM
 
10,452 posts, read 10,226,978 times
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It could be a misunderstanding or one or both of you making the other out to be something you're not. A lot of people do this when parents go on to find new love. My sister and mother made up a whole image about the woman my dad started dating after my parents' emotional separation (they were pretty much only together for the financial convenience) that had little or nothing to do with who she really was. Your girlfriend's daughter might be doing that about you, and based off of that, feeling you're deserving of her cold shoulder.

It could also be that she's just not the fuzzy warm type and she's kind of like that with everyone and you're taking it more personally. Not to say that anyone is right or wrong, but I think it's important for us all, in life, to take a deep breath, close our eyes, and open them again, to see what is really in front of us and what is really just an illusion from the wanderings of our mind.

Like another poster mentioned, it may just be that you two don't mesh well and that she doesn't want to outwardly disrespect you but there's no sense of connection there either. Things will probably only change if she starts asking herself questions. A gentle confrontation could go one of many ways: she could get offended, freak out, but then later reflect, which would get her wheels turning. Or she could just use that as more bait for the mental image she's created of you. Or she could open up because she would appreciate your genuine observation and concern.

I agree with everyone who said just keep doing what you're doing and let things play out as they do.
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:42 AM
 
27,993 posts, read 19,647,023 times
Reputation: 16471
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mt-7 View Post
IMO just two little chickies clamoring for the attention of the male gender. It is just this easy.
Also time with you means less time mommie spends on her precious one. The daughter is selfish.
Take your GF out every night for dinner then she cannot cook for this other adult!
Take your GF home with you every weekend so she is not the cook and maid for this adult!
After we raise our children we have very few years to really enjoy ourselves before old age sets in, enjoy!
Ewww. Really?
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:43 AM
 
27,993 posts, read 19,647,023 times
Reputation: 16471
Sounds to me like the daughter isn't too happy about mom's boyfriend moving in. Did you live there previously?
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