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Old 01-03-2011, 11:44 PM
 
2,563 posts, read 3,083,225 times
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This might not be the correct forum in which to write about and discuss my concern. I'll be as general as possible.

My GF and I are in our 50's. She and I have sacrificed exceedingly for our children, all whom are adults between the ages of 20 and 28. We have been responsible, and have set good examples for them.

My GF and I are compatible in many ways, and are very much in love. Her 22 year old daughter just moved back into her home after college, and has recently acquired a job in her field as an RN.

Over the course of several months, I've noticed a certain "cold shoulderness" from her daughter. I kept it to myself all the while hopping her daughter would eventually appreciate the man whom respects, loves, and makes her mother happy. But tonight, for the first time, my GF admitted that she sometimes gets the feeling that her daughter doesn't agree with our relationship. I said to her. . ."love, for several months, I have been seeing what you now feel."

We are at a loss as to how to handle this, and quite frankly, we do not understand why her daughter is behaving this way. Shouldn't she be happy knowing that there is a man who loves, respects, and protects her mother? In addition, just a few weeks ago, my GF was out of town when a water leak occurred in her house. Her daughter was alone and called me for help. I went over and corrected the problem. I thought this would be the thing which would eliminate her "cold shoulderness." She thanked me for the repairs and seemed genuinely appreciative of my response. But, several days later, she was back to her cold self again.

Tonight I told my GF that this will not phase how I feel towards her; that we will continue walking arm-in-arm towards the future; that if necessary, I'm willing, ready, and able to speak to her daughter and/or son about our present and future relationship. She cried over the phone and wanted very much to speak to her daughter at that precise moment. I discouraged her from doing so while she is emotionally psyched up. Better to do so when she is calm and in control of her emotions.

Maybe I'm just using this forum as a means to vent this frustration. However, good and sound experiences, suggestions, and advices are welcomed.

Thank you kindly.
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Old 01-04-2011, 12:02 AM
 
Location: California
29,580 posts, read 31,900,225 times
Reputation: 24725
You know, I can understand why you feel the way you do but I really don't think there is a simple solution to this. Who really knows WHY your gf's daughter acts the way she does towards you? You can't really ask, it puts her on the spot and won't do much good. All you can do is keep doing what you are doing without expecting anything from her. She may warm up over time, or you may discover that there is just something about "you and her" that doesn't mesh well, bad chemestry maybe. She isn't being mean or nasty or trying to end your relationship with her mother, and she won't be living with her forever. Even blood relations don't always have smooth relationships. Congrats on finding love after 50 though!
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Old 01-04-2011, 12:19 AM
 
2,563 posts, read 3,083,225 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece View Post
You know, I can understand why you feel the way you do but I really don't think there is a simple solution to this. Who really knows WHY your gf's daughter acts the way she does towards you? You can't really ask, it puts her on the spot and won't do much good. All you can do is keep doing what you are doing without expecting anything from her. She may warm up over time, or you may discover that there is just something about "you and her" that doesn't mesh well, bad chemestry maybe. She isn't being mean or nasty or trying to end your relationship with her mother, and she won't be living with her forever. Even blood relations don't always have smooth relationships. Congrats on finding love after 50 though!
Thank you. My GF and I have - and continue to - sacrifice much for our children, especially in terms of educational financial assistance. As any responsible parent, we've placed their needs (and wants) before our own; this being one of the commonalities we share.

Now that we've found each other, we both feel it is only fair to continue developing, nurturing, and growing what we found and have in each other. We feel as though we've done what society often demands and expects from us. In exchange, we only want to share our remaining years close to each other with the full approval of those we care for.

She and I are simple people who don't ask for or live extravagant lives. Our personal joy is found within us. We only want to be with each other.
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Old 01-04-2011, 04:32 AM
 
2,251 posts, read 4,311,198 times
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Did this daughter get along with you just fine until she moved home? What's been the history of the relationship? Could she be jealous that mom has a caring BF and whatever and she hasn't found anyone yet? There are just too many possibilities.

If she "disagrees" with your relationship (whatever that means) is surely didn't disturb her enough to pass up moving home.

Has anyone thought to say "We've noticed that you're giving Chacho the cold shoulder, what's up with that?"
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Old 01-04-2011, 05:53 AM
 
852 posts, read 1,135,419 times
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Are you living with your girlfriend?
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Old 01-04-2011, 06:22 AM
 
27,993 posts, read 19,641,873 times
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How long have you and her mother been dating? How quickly after you began dating did you move in together?
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Old 01-04-2011, 06:42 AM
 
175 posts, read 654,085 times
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well I'll tell you why I gave my step-mother the cold shoulder.

I felt like she treated me like Cinderella. Here is one example, She would leave for the day on Sat morning. She would leave a note on the refridgerator. The note was to me and her son-alist of chores. His list-vacuum your room, dust your room, make your bed, pick up your laundry. My list-vaccuum the living room and hall, dust the living room and dining room. See the difference? His list was basically clean his room-she just made it appear longer. My list was clean the rest of the house. Her son was older than me, so that wasn't it either.

Make sure you are really treating her daughter fairly. I'm sure my step-mom thought nothing was wrong with the way she treated me but I was mad as hell about it. I quit speaking to her-not just over this incident but this is indicative of how she generally treated me. I lived with this woman and did not speak one word to her for about a year. She eventually left my father, waited until he was out of the state and took everything out of our house while I was at school (I was 17 at the time). I do mean everything. I came home to a phone in the floor, the mini blinds, and 3 bar stools. There was no food or dishes in the house. I had to live like that for 5 days with the $30 my dad left me for lunch money because he couldn't come home. She probably thought nothing was wrong with leaving him like that either. Can you imagine what it must have been like for my Dad to have been in another state for work and have his teenage daughter call and tell him his wife left him and she took everything in the house too!?!

Just make sure your intentions are true-girls are so much more perceptive than people give us credit for.
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Old 01-04-2011, 06:45 AM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,469 posts, read 6,159,738 times
Reputation: 3481
No words of wisdom, Chacho. I think it was a good call to suggest gf not address the issue while she was upset, fwiw.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 01-04-2011, 07:34 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,608,566 times
Reputation: 46993
I am the mother of several "grown" children. This young woman is probably feeling bad about herself that she does not have her own place and has to live with her Mom. She also probably sees you as about to ruin her gravy train. She resents you for taking her Mom's focus off her and the life her Mom has looks alot better than her own right now.

I hate to admit it but even my own grown kids have such a sense of entitlement it hurts. They think we owe them something for the rest of OUR lives and get bent out of shape when WE start living our own lives after they are out of the nest.

A boomerang kid ( and that is what she is) sometimes think they can come back home and pick up the same life they had as youngsters. Everything should be about them.

This is a young, educated, working woman who is capable of taking care of herself, yet she is in many ways dependant on her mother. You stand to mess all that up for her. Also we don't know about her Dad but she may resent that you have taken her Dad's place.

I understand how your GF wants to have both of you in her life but this girl cannot expect to have the SAME PLACE in her mother's life at this stage of the game.

I would continue loving the Mom and letting the relationship mature and go where it naturally would go. Don't try to get the daughter's approval or even appreciation. She doesn't care that her Mom is happy and cared for if she perceives it is taking something away from her own status.

I would just ignore the daughter . Don't be mean to her but stop trying to get her approval. I hope your GF doesn't have to chose between the two of you because it seems that is the way the daughter is setting things up.

Love your GF, try to see her away from the daughter, don't make anybody bring things to a head as that rarely clears the air.
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Old 01-04-2011, 08:31 AM
 
12,422 posts, read 14,547,993 times
Reputation: 14093
no kudzu is right, try not to let the daughters bad feelings towards you in any way taint the relationship you have with her mother.
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