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Old 01-06-2011, 10:20 AM
 
99 posts, read 238,217 times
Reputation: 51
Lightbulb Confused kids (by) Old School vs. New School Parents

My kids (2 sons) -teens- are confused by my wife and mines different parenting skills.
*How we do just about everything...from discipline to nurturing ~ AND everything in bewtween.
Growing up in the 60's and 70's~ parenting was different. I lost a Dad at an early age (13) and never grew to know what it was like to see a father change as I grew up. I was stuck with early chilhood old school' memories of how Dad's treated there sons. And, I've carried the same 'old school' mentality forward today.
My wife (whose father is still alive) mentally abused her for decades, and "Scarred' her into being just the 'opposite' of 'how 'old school' bad dad's are.!
So SHE IS~ Over caring, over giving, ~ new school child rearing --
and I basically remind her = of her Father→ Who she despized.
She verballizes this in front of the boys...they feed of the Negative Spousal relations and the growing lack of repsect from them both is evident.
→They dont know who to believe... so they simply do what they want..
wise off...talk back.. & They run to Mommy to be "Spolied' as they know I will 'Spare the Rod' .
They're not into drugs, they are great kids- they have good grades but they simply don't listen, respect either of us (Mostly me) as I have become an 'Evil Oger" as they hear it from their Mom, and they believe it.!
I find it hard talk to them as they have given up figuring out Which parent makes correct sense.. so they have clammed up..
Is this kind of common today ..?
And what's a Good .. Old School Dad to do?
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Old 01-06-2011, 10:44 AM
 
6,879 posts, read 7,942,846 times
Reputation: 11197
I would think there is little advice anybody here could offer. Your issue doesn't seem to be as much of a parenting one as a marital one. My suggestion would be marriage counseling and a parenting class for Mom and Dad, possibly followed by family counseling (although your kids don't sound like they are bad, just confused about the chain of command).
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Old 01-06-2011, 11:07 AM
 
5,626 posts, read 2,530,898 times
Reputation: 6622
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1BigBear View Post
My kids (2 sons) -teens- are confused by my wife and mines different parenting skills.
*How we do just about everything...from discipline to nurturing ~ AND everything in bewtween.
Growing up in the 60's and 70's~ parenting was different. I lost a Dad at an early age (13) and never grew to know what it was like to see a father change as I grew up. I was stuck with early chilhood old school' memories of how Dad's treated there sons. And, I've carried the same 'old school' mentality forward today.
My wife (whose father is still alive) mentally abused her for decades, and "Scarred' her into being just the 'opposite' of 'how 'old school' bad dad's are.!
So SHE IS~ Over caring, over giving, ~ new school child rearing --
and I basically remind her = of her Father→ Who she despized.
She verballizes this in front of the boys...they feed of the Negative Spousal relations and the growing lack of repsect from them both is evident.
→They dont know who to believe... so they simply do what they want..
wise off...talk back.. & They run to Mommy to be "Spolied' as they know I will 'Spare the Rod' .
They're not into drugs, they are great kids- they have good grades but they simply don't listen, respect either of us (Mostly me) as I have become an 'Evil Oger" as they hear it from their Mom, and they believe it.!
I find it hard talk to them as they have given up figuring out Which parent makes correct sense.. so they have clammed up..
Is this kind of common today ..?
And what's a Good .. Old School Dad to do?
Yeah, I agree with Mattie. You guys need to get on the same page. Really, if you both insist on being right about this, your kids are going to suffer. Seems as if you already know this, though. Surely there's a middle ground you can reach?

Regardless, you need to present some kind of United Front of Mom and Dad, or you're going to end up with some really confused kids.
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Old 01-06-2011, 12:03 PM
Status: "Never have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed." (set 6 days ago)
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
22,724 posts, read 14,333,680 times
Reputation: 28228
teens are by definition mouthy and disrespectful. I doubt at this late stage much can be done about it, especially if you aren't on the same page.

When my son was a young teen he mouthed off one time too many to his father, who quite frankly was in such shock he didn't know what to say.

I grabbed him by the collar, pushed him up against the fridge and said :

" You may hate our guts but, by damn, you better learn how to fake it while you are in this house."

I'm sure my face was beet red and he had never seen me like that. Whatever the reason it never happened again and he is a great 29 year old now.

He remembers that moment very well and said I certainly got my point across.
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Old 01-06-2011, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,459 posts, read 3,741,488 times
Reputation: 3382
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
teens are by definition mouthy and disrespectful. I doubt at this late stage much can be done about it, especially if you aren't on the same page.

When my son was a young teen he mouthed off one time too many to his father, who quite frankly was in such shock he didn't know what to say.

I grabbed him by the collar, pushed him up against the fridge and said :

" You may hate our guts but, by damn, you better learn how to fake it while you are in this house."

I'm sure my face was beet red and he had never seen me like that. Whatever the reason it never happened again and he is a great 29 year old now.

He remembers that moment very well and said I certainly got my point across.
LOL! I had almost an identical moment with mine at 13. And yes, she ended up a lovely adult.
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Old 01-09-2011, 03:39 AM
 
47,586 posts, read 32,249,742 times
Reputation: 21458
I agree with the others that this is partly a marital issue -- she wants to be the good parent and make you the bad one. She thinks by letting them set the rules, she will be more loved by them. She's got issues from her abusive dysfunctional family and she's bringing them into her own family now. Setting limits for kids is far from abusive.

You and she need to get something worked out because the divided approach - the good parent, bad parent approach is not healthy.
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Old 01-09-2011, 10:39 AM
 
40,250 posts, read 43,086,481 times
Reputation: 25256
My husband and I parent differently. I am the overly nice parent.

But our children have always treated their father respectfully because I insisted upon it.

Disrespecting their father was one thing I wasn't nice about.

If their father was tough on them and they came whining to me, I never overruled him.

I told them they needed to figure out how to work with him. It was their problem, not mine.

I'd talk to hubby privately if I thought he was being too tough. We never argued about parenting in front of the children.

If your wife is taking sides with the children, she's wrong.

If you are wanting to "spare the rod" with teenagers, you are wrong. Spankings are inappropriate for teens.

If you both are fighting about parenting in front of the children, you both are wrong.

It's a parenting problem and a marriage problem. You both need to be in marriage counseling.
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Old 01-09-2011, 07:04 PM
 
Location: The "A"
2,486 posts, read 1,100,101 times
Reputation: 1222
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1BigBear View Post
So SHE IS~ Over caring, over giving, ~ new school child rearing --
and I basically remind her = of her Father→ Who she despized.
She verballizes this in front of the boys...they feed of the Negative Spousal relations and the growing lack of repsect from them both is evident.
→They dont know who to believe... so they simply do what they want..
wise off...talk back.. & They run to Mommy to be "Spolied' as they know I will 'Spare the Rod' .
They're not into drugs, they are great kids- they have good grades but they simply don't listen, respect either of us (Mostly me) as I have become an 'Evil Oger" as they hear it from their Mom, and they believe it.!
I find it hard talk to them as they have given up figuring out Which parent makes correct sense.. so they have clammed up..
Is this kind of common today ..?
And what's a Good .. Old School Dad to do?
I hear ya on the difference in old vs new. It's the whole "wussification" of the US to me. adults are so distraught over how they were treated that they become overly nice and endulgent to their kids. What they fail to realize is that they are usually ok adults and turned out just fine. A few tough memories should be no big deal...

My wife is similar... we do however try to not overrule each other in front of the kids but sometimes it happens by accident.

My advice is just do the best you can... and do what you THINK is best. There is more than one way to skin a cat. Always... so there is no set way to handle things. Teens not talking is the norm. Just continue to talk to them. Some of what you are saying is seaping in... whether they admit it or not.
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Old 01-09-2011, 09:54 PM
 
2,152 posts, read 3,818,287 times
Reputation: 3027
Maybe you would have more success with a third party approach - in other words, not your style and not her style, but a style that was new to both of you. My husband and I really learned a lot from the "Love and Logic" parenting series. You can buy tapes, books... from their website or check them out from the library. In many communities, there are Love and Logic classes. Maybe if you both get together trying some completely new strategy, you'll find some common ground.
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Old 01-13-2011, 03:18 PM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,164 posts, read 5,094,460 times
Reputation: 2516
Quote:
My husband and I parent differently. I am the overly nice parent.

But our children have always treated their father respectfully because I insisted upon it.

Disrespecting their father was one thing I wasn't nice about.

If their father was tough on them and they came whining to me, I never overruled him.

I told them they needed to figure out how to work with him. It was their problem, not mine.

I'd talk to hubby privately if I thought he was being too tough. We never argued about parenting in front of the children.

If your wife is taking sides with the children, she's wrong.

If you are wanting to "spare the rod" with teenagers, you are wrong. Spankings are inappropriate for teens.

If you both are fighting about parenting in front of the children, you both are wrong.

It's a parenting problem and a marriage problem. You both need to be in marriage counseling.
I am with Hopes 100% and I did just what she did when mine were growing up.

I made SURE we ALWAYS presented a united front with our kids, even when we disagreed, we presented ourselves and being united. When we did disagree, we did it far away from the children where there was no way they could over hear. Letting them hear that would have been given them permission to play one parent against the other then they end up running the house and making their own rules.

What she is teaching them is to disrespect you and your authority in that house... you both have to get on the same page and back each other up!
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