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Old 01-08-2011, 01:42 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,653,945 times
Reputation: 19408

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^^ Just remember...you do the best you can. You can not stress out or beat yourself up, if YOUR best isn't good enough for someone else. It is THEIR problem.....not yours, because you are doing the best that you can! (((((NK & Ringo))))) You sooooo deserve big hugs!
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Old 01-08-2011, 09:15 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,248 posts, read 15,033,121 times
Reputation: 20856
Thanks guys. I holed up for about 4 hours in my room, laid on the bed, and watched some inane show about weatlhy parents cutting off their spoiled, adult children.

Came downstairs long enough to order pizza; then got caught up on my job.

It did help.

I feel like my teen has shut down when my Dad is around; he just won't talk anymore. Our dinners are such silent affairs and I'm tired of trying to be 'up' for everyone. Usually, I could at least get my son to talk when we went out but now my Dad is always there.

I'm going to have to carve out some time for just me and my son that doesn't involve just transporting a bunch of kids from one place to another.

NK thanks for sharing your experiences and everyone else for your kind thoughts and advice.
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Old 01-08-2011, 09:17 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,248 posts, read 15,033,121 times
Reputation: 20856
Beachmel and Macies Mom I tried to rep you too but it said I had to spread some around first! Off to share some Reps.
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Old 01-08-2011, 11:11 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,653,945 times
Reputation: 19408
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
Thanks guys. I holed up for about 4 hours in my room, laid on the bed, and watched some inane show about weatlhy parents cutting off their spoiled, adult children.

Came downstairs long enough to order pizza; then got caught up on my job.

It did help.

I feel like my teen has shut down when my Dad is around; he just won't talk anymore. Our dinners are such silent affairs and I'm tired of trying to be 'up' for everyone. Usually, I could at least get my son to talk when we went out but now my Dad is always there.

I'm going to have to carve out some time for just me and my son that doesn't involve just transporting a bunch of kids from one place to another.

NK thanks for sharing your experiences and everyone else for your kind thoughts and advice.
Ringo, I'm so glad you took some time out for yourself. Know that I'll think "positive thoughts" for you and your son's relationship. I'm sure he's just feeling so weird now that you both have someone else in the house. Kids really can be pretty clueless you know. I don't think you son realizes that you dad is company for you, so that you're not all alone when he's at practice or with friends.
I'm not sure many kids can really see beyond their own needs....at least not these days! It's so funny, I remember my grandfather coming to live with us when I was a teen. My parents were such busy people and I so appreciated having him around. He was such a kind and gentle man, and the only grandparent I'd ever had in my life. I have to say though, he didn't stay with us for very long. I don't know what went on with him and my parents, but apparently things were strained and they couldn't work it out. I never did know what happened, I just know that it broke my heart when he went back to California.
Hang in there Ringo, maybe something will happen to bring your son around. Until then my friend, hang in there!
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Old 01-08-2011, 11:27 PM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,976 posts, read 11,790,469 times
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I think us moms can be pretty bad about putting everyone else's needs before our own. I also stress about the mess, but then I think if people are truly friends, and they judge me based on the tidiness of my home, then they aren't true friends. I do try and do little things for myself during the week, like listening to music, or making time to catch a movie or tv show I want to see. I also ask for help more than I used to. If we are having people over for a meal, I will ask everyone to bring something. I try to put less pressure on myself than I used to. I also suffer from yes-Tourettes, so I am trying very hard to find my inner "NO", and only choose to do things that I want to or really have the time for.
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Old 01-09-2011, 05:33 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,620,437 times
Reputation: 46995
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Ringo, I'm so glad you took some time out for yourself. Know that I'll think "positive thoughts" for you and your son's relationship. I'm sure he's just feeling so weird now that you both have someone else in the house. Kids really can be pretty clueless you know. I don't think you son realizes that you dad is company for you, so that you're not all alone when he's at practice or with friends.
I'm not sure many kids can really see beyond their own needs....at least not these days! It's so funny, I remember my grandfather coming to live with us when I was a teen. My parents were such busy people and I so appreciated having him around. He was such a kind and gentle man, and the only grandparent I'd ever had in my life. I have to say though, he didn't stay with us for very long. I don't know what went on with him and my parents, but apparently things were strained and they couldn't work it out. I never did know what happened, I just know that it broke my heart when he went back to California.
Hang in there Ringo, maybe something will happen to bring your son around. Until then my friend, hang in there!

I too had a beloved grandpa come to live with us but he drove my father crazy with his long drawn out stories and other personal habits. My Dad made my mother chose between him or her Dad. She made the wrong choice I think and that sweet old man had to go live alone in a hotel. Way before assisted living places.
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Old 01-09-2011, 05:39 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,620,437 times
Reputation: 46995
Ringo some communities have senior centers where folks can hang out during the day. Like adult day care. Do you have such a place? I'm sure your Dad is as miserable as everybody else. Any other relatives where you can send him at least for a little while?

Your son is at such a critical age where communication is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing. Soon he will be driving and you won't have any opportunities to be alone with him.

Have you had a sitdown with your son to explain exactly how difficult this is for you? Explained to him how you miss just the two of you and you can see he is shutting down? I'm sure he would appreciate at least knowing you are aware of his changed attitude. Perhaps he has some suggestions or requests. Again you have to somehow make him aware as much as you love your Dad, you what son to be Number One and you haven't "deserted" him.

I sincerely wish you only the best. Many of us can relate.
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Old 01-09-2011, 10:46 AM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,248 posts, read 15,033,121 times
Reputation: 20856
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Ringo some communities have senior centers where folks can hang out during the day. Like adult day care. Do you have such a place? I'm sure your Dad is as miserable as everybody else. Any other relatives where you can send him at least for a little while?

Your son is at such a critical age where communication is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing. Soon he will be driving and you won't have any opportunities to be alone with him.

Have you had a sitdown with your son to explain exactly how difficult this is for you? Explained to him how you miss just the two of you and you can see he is shutting down? I'm sure he would appreciate at least knowing you are aware of his changed attitude. Perhaps he has some suggestions or requests. Again you have to somehow make him aware as much as you love your Dad, you what son to be Number One and you haven't "deserted" him.

I sincerely wish you only the best. Many of us can relate.
I need to have that conversation with him; I haven't really had the heart to heart -only to ask him to at least try to talk nicer to his Grandad.

I assumed he knows that he comes first; everything revolves around him but I probably should tell him that; and we will have that conversation this week.

I know that he is a teen-ager and I try to keep that in mind. But my Dad has done a lot for him over the years. He paid for his braces; he is going to give him his car this summer (it's a nice one too); he's attended all of his sporting events - up until last year. He gives him a ton of money for report cards; birthdays; christmas . . . he really spends most of the time in his room. We gave him the first flloor master; so he's not like he's always in our faces.

Well, I get frustrated with both of them. I feel like I'm doing everything to keep us going. The house; the yard; all the meals; the washing; the running; the garbage; the snow shoveling . . . . . trying to cook for both of them is horrible as they don't like the same things. My job is about to kill me and I swear they could care less as long as I just keep meeting their needs. I feel like they are both selfish babies right now. There! I said it.

We do have folks from Home Instead come 3 days a week. They do my Dad's laundry; help him pay his bills; take him out if he wants; to the bank; to lunch; to get a haircut.

I'm going to have that talk and try to adjust my attitude. The added pressure of one more person to care for and plan for - has just about done me in I think.

But I'm still better than I was yesterday and I thank you again.
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