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I have a child who just turned four and goes to preschool part time. She has been going to daycare part-time since she was 3 months old. She is a kind and sensitive child. Not to say she doesn't act out and push boundaries, but overall she plays well with other kids.
Lately she's come home saying that "Jane" was mean to her and she doesn't want to go to school. Or that "Jane" is not her friend because she did X or Y. When her fellow school friends do something that upsets her, she doesn't stand up for herself very often and often retreats to play by herself somewhere. She says she doesn't like the kids at school and gets sad. Some of these kids she has known since she was a baby and has gotten along with them fine until about 6 months ago.
I feel like this is the prime opportunity to teach her how to deal with kids who do things she doesn't like. However, I'm not sure what to teach her... I've told her to stand up for herself and tell the children that she doesn't like what they say or do, but that doesn't seem to help. And maybe that's not the right thing to teach her...
I want to establish good self-esteem and good responses now so that if she encounters other kids being mean to her when she hits elementary school she'll know how to deal with them.
Since she is also a highly sensitive child (and those in my family who are sensitive like this also suffer from depression), I want to help her feel good about herself and her relationships with her friends at school.
When I was a child, a boy taunted me once; I punched him in the stomach and he got in trouble and I was never taunted again. In this day and age, I'm not sure I should/can teach my child to hit another child like this... Aside from this incident I was always liked by most kids growing up and didn't deal with kids being mean to me. Or else I just brushed it off. My child doesn't have my personality though so I'm a little lost here.
Any thoughts on how to teach her at this opportune time? Or books to read?
I don't have any specific advice but wanted to mention this book: The Highly Sensitive Child
It's really good for parents of highly sensitive children.
Teaching her to hit kids won't help her with her sensitivity. It will just teach her to hit kids when her feelings are hurt.
Her feelings won't stop being hurt until you work on her sensitivity. Until then, you will have taught her to constantly hit other kids.
She'll end up being the child who is always in trouble at school.
It's extremely common for the sensitive kids to be labeled trouble-makers when they resort to violence to deal with their social frustrations.
I agree and am not leaning toward teaching her this... it's just to show that when I was a child, this was how I was taught, but I don't think it's good to teach her to be physical with other children in today's world and with her personality. Agreed, so where do I go from here with her personality? How would you suggest I help her stop being so sensitive? If that's even possible....
I'll check out the books you mentioned Dorthy.... thnx
No way in heck would I teach my child to hit back (unless they are being viciously attacked w/ no hope of being rescued). You are just setting them up for problems with johnny law down the road.
Fortunately, they have the 1st amendment to protect them (still). They can use words. I wouldn't teach her to use any insults, however. I would just teach her to be firm. I would teach her to say "Stop that!" in a firm voice. She could even say, "Stop that or I won't play with you!" Its plain and simple but effective. In the later years, I would teach them to say, "Stop that. That (action you are doing) is against school rules." If they don't stop, next I would say, "Stop that. You are violating school rules and I will need to tell the teacher if you don't stop." Third violation: tell the teacher. Fourth violation: parent talks to teacher and/or parent. Fifth violation: parent talks to principal. Just as important: make sure your child praises the child who is bothering her when she ceases the behavior!
In some cases when kids cross serious boundaries (such as directly hitting), I would get involved as a parent. I would either call that kids parent or talk to the teacher. I would follow up and make sure actions are being taken to address the issue.
For now, I would definitely bring this to the teacher's attention so that she can look out for any potential bullying and she can issue time outs as needed and/or talk to the other child's parent. Sounds like that kid has some stress issues at home or in other activities going on (eg., she may be experiencing bullying herself).
Don't forget: don't be afraid to talk to the teacher and/or parent about it. You'll feel a lot better. So will your child. Be sure to communicate to your child what actions you have taken.
Ask the child every day after school how her day went. Ask specifically about how the child she is having issues with treated her.
As far as your child being too sensitive...the best way to gauge that is to volunteer in the classroom and watch her as she plays with others. If you can't ask the teacher to keep an eye out for the triggers that cause your child to get upset. If you both feel that she is being too sensitive, then try to explain to her in simple terms what appropriate rules of behavior are so that she can discern bullying from normal behavior. This is not always easy to teach a four year old.
And finally...I would teach your child to be kind to others and to reach out to other kids and make more friends...in other words, don't put all your eggs in one basket. Also, by being kind to everyone, even the difficult children, she is winning allies and therefore will eliminate the chances of getting ganged up on when a bully tries to get others on their side.
How would you suggest I help her stop being so sensitive? If that's even possible....
I'll check out the books you mentioned Dorthy.... thnx
When I read this book a few years ago it talked about sensitivity being an inborn trait and not something that kids will outgrow of nor is something that you can train out of them. It's a part of who they are and always will be. It's something that's present in about 20% of all humans and animals and has many many positive aspects to it. It's been awhile since I read it and I really want to read it again now that my dd is a little older.
I remember it talking about ways to handle different situations with a HSC. Most of the things that will work for other kids won't necessarily be the best approach for such a sensitive kid. I also remmeber it talking about whether or not HSC were more prone to depression and statistically they are not especially when their caretakers take their sensitivities seriously and parent them in ways that make sense for the child. Anyways, I wish I could remember more details and give you some concrete examples. I found it very helpful in seeing the sensitivity in a positive rather then a negative light.
Anyway to get her involved in an activity such as dance,karate, or art? Something that she enjoys & at the same time builds up her self-esteem in a natural & positive way? She made need an outlet.
Generally, I would say (to all parents but especially to parents of a "sensitive" child):
1) always validate her feelings (that doesn't mean she's right; it means you acknowledge her feeling the way she does which is ok)
2) recognize accomplishments always
3) do NOT focus on "failures" - as a matter of fact, convey why failures are ok
4) give her attention and value her presence and participation in the family; make sure she knows she is an important part of the family
5) sensitive children worry about things; they don't need unreasonably high standards applied to them, nor do they respond well to criticism. If she gets all As and one B in school, ignore the bad grade and praise the good ones. This child needs building up, not criticism.
6) Of course, don't teach hitting
7) Don't nag her to "you must stand up for yourself!" That is criticism (that therefore you're saying she's not doing things right). She will construe that as criticism and it will just make the 'problem' worse. Do not ride her or come down hard on her
8) Giving her praise, recognition, valuing her as a person regardless of behavior, scholastic performance etc. is really important.
9) The point of all this is to help her develop self esteem and self worth. Then she'll more naturally deal with adversity because she'll have more innate confidence. She may NOT RESPOND TO ADVERSITY in the same way you would or that you think she should. Nor does she ever have to. She is her own person, not you and it's ok for her to be different.
10) Make sure she knows that she, and the things she does, is ALWAYS GOOD ENOUGH.
No amount of traing will take away this child's inate sensitivity. She is what she is. And BTW this is only the beginning of "girl trouble". One day they come home crying about her best friend being mean and the next they want to invite that same girl for a play date. Just wait till middle school. It will drive you batty.
It sounds to me like typical kids at school. Unless and until you see actual depression of real acting out I would just chalk it up to kids will be kids. If it really bothers you you might try inviting the culprits over for a play date. Nothing difuses tension at school like a personal one on one play date. Then they will be best friends.
No amount of traing will take away this child's inate sensitivity. She is what she is. And BTW this is only the beginning of "girl trouble". One day they come home crying about her best friend being mean and the next they want to invite that same girl for a play date. Just wait till middle school. It will drive you batty.
It sounds to me like typical kids at school. Unless and until you see actual depression of real acting out I would just chalk it up to kids will be kids. If it really bothers you you might try inviting the culprits over for a play date. Nothing difuses tension at school like a personal one on one play date. Then they will be best friends.
Yes - very often with girls and boys, it's best to help them not to dwell on these things, don't get into the pity-party stuff with them.
My kid in second grade would complain about some kid slugging him all the time. If they were standing in line, this kid would walk past and punch him for no reason. He said he was going to fight him - but I said it would be best to just ignore him. The next thing he's asking if this same kid could come over. I asked him why he wanted to be friends with this "mean kid" and he said they had become friends and it turned out that kid was slugging him because he wanted to be noticed by him.
My daughter did something very similar. She despised a particular girl who would put her down and say horrible things to her - but they formed a lasting friendship in the end.
Like you said - sometimes it's just kids being kids and parents have to be careful not to get too wrapped up in it and even make things worse.
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I've told her to stand up for herself and tell the children that she doesn't like what they say or do, but that doesn't seem to help. And maybe that's not the right thing to teach her... 
