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Old 01-11-2011, 07:56 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
9,531 posts, read 13,372,671 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
Why not? The kid is 14. He can't drive. If he's supervised all the time what could happen?
Because it's nearly impossible to supervise a 14 yr old all the time, especially if you are a single parent like the OP. How hard is it to cut class at school or go to a friends house and then cut out to go elsewhere? Apparently the girl is willing to walk quite a distance to see him, so they seem like they are pretty determined to see each other somehow.
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Old 01-11-2011, 08:38 PM
 
1,420 posts, read 4,454,999 times
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Quote:
Because it's nearly impossible to supervise a 14 yr old all the time, especially if you are a single parent like the OP. How hard is it to cut class at school or go to a friends house and then cut out to go elsewhere? Apparently the girl is willing to walk quite a distance to see him, so they seem like they are pretty determined to see each other somehow.
It sure is easy to get around "parent prohibitions". I was never where I was supposed to be, was not allowed to date my boyfriend (I had overly strict parents), but I dated him for years unbeknownst to them. And they were not negligent parents or stupid. Teens can work around the tighest rules. They're resourceful.

What's most worrisome in my eyes is that: 1) she wants to get pregnant; and, 2) he does not seem to be offended or horrified by that thought (i.e., he doesn't seem to get that she's essentially setting him up). Also, her mother doesn't seem concerned. I have a relative that wanted to get pregnant, and she did. The guy didn't have a chance. He was "in love" with her. I think this means your son has an emotional need for this girl (vs. a purely hormonal desire to be with her).

I don't know....wouldn't most teenaged boys who found out that their girlfriend wanted, and perhaps is trying to get pregnant by him, RUN FOR THE HILLS? Wouldn't they view that as trickery and betrayal? That your son doesn't view it this way is the scary part. What is this emotional need she's filling?

I do believe that putting contingencies on their being able to see each other by trying to control the girl (e.g., if she goes to school he can see her once a week....) is not constructive. Nor is any promise by anyone in their family worth anything. They will do as they will and there is no control over their behavior or actions. And of course do not trust for a nanosecond any allegations of birth control on her part.

This must be very difficult for you. I wish I could think of a way you could "enlighten him" without making him defensive and drive him away and more toward her. If I were her mother, I would be dragging her into a therapist's office tout de suite - it's a sign of deep problems that she wants to have a baby at this age. But again, you have no control or influence over this.

Good luck.

Last edited by didee; 01-11-2011 at 08:48 PM..
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:54 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,761,562 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Because it's nearly impossible to supervise a 14 yr old all the time, especially if you are a single parent like the OP. How hard is it to cut class at school or go to a friends house and then cut out to go elsewhere? Apparently the girl is willing to walk quite a distance to see him, so they seem like they are pretty determined to see each other somehow.
To me that seems like a cop-out. Of course once a kid is 12, 13, 14 - it might be difficult to supervise them, especially if they aren't a priority. A 12 year old might want to take a car for a joy-ride, and if you don't supervise, yes, they may do just that. A 13 year old might be hell bent on getting himself a gun, so do you simply throw your hands up and allow it? Or a 14 year old might want to drink and drive - if they really want to do so, sure they can find a way.

Parenting isn't just something you do when it's easy. There are other methods beyond following them around constantly - but absences from school are recorded on report cards and a call to the school can tell you if the child isn't going to school. And he who pays the bills has more control than he often realizes. Driving lessons can be postponed until the child proves himself, a parent's help or loaning of a car can be dependent on the child's respect for other rules.

If the little couple does end up making a baby - he's going to find out that the court can control him with child support payments for a good chunk of his life. Better the parents at least make every attempt they can to spare him that.
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Old 01-11-2011, 11:09 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,437 posts, read 41,696,241 times
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[quote=malamute;17371043]To me that seems like a cop-out. Of course once a kid is 12, 13, 14 - it might be difficult to supervise them, especially if they aren't a priority.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sure this child is a priority to this parent and to suggest otherwise is unkind and does not add anything to the discussion.
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Old 01-11-2011, 11:47 PM
 
220 posts, read 490,704 times
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Okay, I just did something really drastic...today, I came home from work and over heard my son "explaining" himself to someone on the phone. I heard a lot of "he said, she said". And I asked him what was going on.....long story short, the girl went and told one of their mutual friends that she may be pregnant and now there's an ish load of rumors going around. THAT DID IT!! I told him that he is not seeing her anymore. We went to her house and I told her too. I've been talking to him all night. He seems very sad and said that he doesn't know what to think....he's "in shock". I told him that its going to hurt for a little while, but its for his own good.

I dont know what to think either. I am sooo scared. I have no idea if, when, or how he will rebel. I am just going to get on my knees and pray that this turns out for the best. This is crazy.

P.S. I don't know if its a motherly instinct or not, but I really don't think she's pregnant. But I told her mom to let me know the results and we will take it from there.
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Old 01-11-2011, 11:51 PM
 
852 posts, read 1,136,977 times
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OP, I just read through this entire thread (and it scares the heck out of me, to be honest), and I have to say that I think you're getting some excellent advice.

I have to just add Kudos to you for having such an honest and communicative relationship with your son. My husband became sexually active when he was only 15, and after a pregnancy scare with his girlfriend, he started walking to buy condoms from the vending machine in the bathroom of the corner gas station.

You're doing the right thing by asking these questions and having these uncomfortable conversations. Keep us posted.
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Old 01-11-2011, 11:57 PM
 
852 posts, read 1,136,977 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
Okay, I just did something really drastic...today, I came home from work and over heard my son "explaining" himself to someone on the phone. I heard a lot of "he said, she said". And I asked him what was going on.....long story short, the girl went and told one of their mutual friends that she may be pregnant and now there's an ish load of rumors going around. THAT DID IT!! I told him that he is not seeing her anymore. We went to her house and I told her too. I've been talking to him all night. He seems very sad and said that he doesn't know what to think....he's "in shock". I told him that its going to hurt for a little while, but its for his own good.

I dont know what to think either. I am sooo scared. I have no idea if, when, or how he will rebel. I am just going to get on my knees and pray that this turns out for the best. This is crazy.

P.S. I don't know if its a motherly instinct or not, but I really don't think she's pregnant. But I told her mom to let me know the results and we will take it from there.
She doesn't have any actual verification that she's pregnant at this point (it's probably too soon). Knowing girls, I would guess one of two things: (1) She may truly be afraid that she's pregnant and confided that in a friend OR (2) She's trying to get attention from her peers by starting pregnancy rumors about herself.
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Old 01-12-2011, 12:49 AM
 
2,060 posts, read 4,914,798 times
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Or he's not the only possible father.
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Old 01-12-2011, 01:03 AM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,528,663 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post

P.S. I don't know if its a motherly instinct or not, but I really don't think she's pregnant. But I told her mom to let me know the results and we will take it from there.
I haven't read the other posts after your update. But keep this in mind... he damn well better demand a DNA test when the baby is born.
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Old 01-12-2011, 03:37 AM
 
15,871 posts, read 13,458,639 times
Reputation: 35295
Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
Okay, I just did something really drastic...today, I came home from work and over heard my son "explaining" himself to someone on the phone. I heard a lot of "he said, she said". And I asked him what was going on.....long story short, the girl went and told one of their mutual friends that she may be pregnant and now there's an ish load of rumors going around. THAT DID IT!! I told him that he is not seeing her anymore. We went to her house and I told her too. I've been talking to him all night. He seems very sad and said that he doesn't know what to think....he's "in shock". I told him that its going to hurt for a little while, but its for his own good.

I dont know what to think either. I am sooo scared. I have no idea if, when, or how he will rebel. I am just going to get on my knees and pray that this turns out for the best. This is crazy.

P.S. I don't know if its a motherly instinct or not, but I really don't think she's pregnant. But I told her mom to let me know the results and we will take it from there.
GOOD FOR YOU. Stick to your guns. Put whatever measures in place to have him supervised 24/7 until this passes and the girl finds another BF (she will). It can be done!

Even if he does rebel, keep loving him through this.
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