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Old 01-14-2011, 02:14 PM
 
1,425 posts, read 3,526,569 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
That's true. You're right about the unfairness of my last post. He too could have had oral sex with other girls prior to having sex with her.
My remark wasn't directed at any one person, just the general tone of the responses. I hadn't even thought along these lines.
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Old 01-14-2011, 03:52 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,076,504 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockinmomma View Post
My remark wasn't directed at any one person, just the general tone of the responses. I hadn't even thought along these lines.
That's okay. I was being biased. Your post helped me realize it.
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Old 01-15-2011, 02:26 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,302 posts, read 3,759,048 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
I apologize in advance for the long post:

Last night I found out that my son and his girlfriend (also 14) had recently had sex. It was the first time for both of them and they did NOT use protection. They have been dating for almost a year and I thought that I was doing the right thing by letting them see each other, thinking that they would not sneak around to do things, but obviously I was wrong.

I gave my son a talk by himself, and then we went to her house and I gave them both a talk together. They just sat there with nothing to say. I was really upset that they didn't wait, but I'm even more upset at the fact that they didn't use protection and they KNOW the consequences of that.

I am very concerned about this. First of all, this girl wants nothing out of life. She does not go to school and I suspect that she is trying to get pregnant so that her and my son will stay together. My son thinks that he's so "in love" with her, so I think that he will do whatever to make her happy. Including having unprotected sex and risking getting her pregnant.

I asked him what would happen if she was pregnant and he says that having a baby would change their lives, but it wouldn't ruin it. WHAT??? I'm thinking where's my son?? I did not raise him to think that having a baby at 14 years old is OK!!

Now I'm thinking that I really made the wrong decision with letting him spend so much time around her and her family. I think that he feels an overwhelming amount of acceptance from her and her family and that is making him think that her family and friends are cool. Her mother has 5 kids and is barely making it; 17 year old sister had live in boy friend; and their house is constantly filled with "couples" weather it's an uncle and his wife/girlfriend, etc.

I really need to get my son out of the mindset that this is a normal way of life. He should be more focused on being a teen, not doing what he sees older couples doing. He has a lot of respect for me, but with him spending so much time at his girlfriend's house, I think that his mindset is beginning to change for the worse.

How do you explain to a teen who thinks something is so "cool" that this is not the road that they should head down? I have been trying to hold back from talking bad about her and her family, but I think that that is what it is going to take.

Any advice from experienced parents who have gone through this or something similar would be great. Also, I am thinking about if there should be some type of punishment for this, (I'm really thinking about forbidding him to see her for a while) or will that make him just sneak around even more?
At this point what is done is done. He is still 14 and you have rights as a parent. He has less rights as a minor.
We did not allow our daughters to date until they turned 16 and it worked. The problem today is that parents seem to have the attitude of trying to make sure their children see them as their friends. We did not do such thing. They were not our friends. They were our children and we were the parents. As such did not decide things at home to be their friends and we did not mind hurting their feelings at times based on our decisions.
You have an uphill battle. Your son is now used to what you allowed and it will be very difficult to now impose rules at home. You were very permissive and now you are paying the consequences.
You will simply will have to start instituting rules at the house. Rules he is not used to now. This thing of trying to explain every decision to our children is not necessary all the time. At times it may be appropriate but at times "Because I am the parent and because that is what I want" is appropriate.

I do not know if you went to the girl's parents and tell them the situation. Let them know you do not want to tie your son to a child for the next 18 years. Ask them they need to have their girl away from him. Now, if they show any interest on keeping their girl away from your son to say the least they cannot see each other alone and only at your home where you can keep an eye on their activities. I do not know how much you can do though. It is a very difficult spot since you cannot be with him 24 hours a day. If you do not have the time to parent him as you should then at this point simply suggest birth control, take care.
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Old 01-17-2011, 08:23 AM
 
220 posts, read 490,704 times
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It is definitely an uphill battle now, and it's my fault because I never should have allowed it in the first place.

There has been a lot going on the past few days. I've looked up the stages of grief (after a break up) and it looks like my son has gone through most, if not all of them in a short period of time. This weekend he went through the "anger" part and we had it out. I had a feeling that it was coming, and it was really bad...but we got through it and I'm really hoping and praying that that was the worst of it.

Now he's back to doing what he's suppose to do. I've had his phone all week and the girl is still texting him. I told her (once again) that it was over and to stop calling and texting him. She said quote: "I am still going to see him you can't keep us a part, you can't break up love".

I just didn't respond - once I get the definate that she is not pregnant. I am thinking about getting a restaining order against her.

I know for a fact that my son has not spoken to her since I told them that it was over. I will be getting his phone number changed and watching him like a hawk...anything to keep this girl away from my son...and vice versa (because he isn't so innocent either) until I know that this is over.
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Old 01-17-2011, 08:55 AM
 
15,871 posts, read 13,458,639 times
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You're doing great! Stay strong Mom!
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Old 01-17-2011, 08:56 AM
 
Location: MMU->ABE->ATL->ASH
9,007 posts, read 16,157,460 times
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For what its worth, Changing his phone number will have no effect, she will have his new number from one of his friends within minutes, either by asking them for it, or when she is with them (on one of the odd days she goes to school) She will find one of your son's friends 'borrow' there phone for a mintute and find it. Some of the Cell companies allow you to 'block' all incomming call from some numbers, so it does not even go thru to his phone. Also phone address book you can have all incoming text go directly to the trash, and any call set to a 'no ring/vib' so it will not get answered and to his voice mail.
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Old 01-17-2011, 09:00 AM
 
852 posts, read 1,136,977 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
It is definitely an uphill battle now, and it's my fault because I never should have allowed it in the first place.

There has been a lot going on the past few days. I've looked up the stages of grief (after a break up) and it looks like my son has gone through most, if not all of them in a short period of time. This weekend he went through the "anger" part and we had it out. I had a feeling that it was coming, and it was really bad...but we got through it and I'm really hoping and praying that that was the worst of it.

Now he's back to doing what he's suppose to do. I've had his phone all week and the girl is still texting him. I told her (once again) that it was over and to stop calling and texting him. She said quote: "I am still going to see him you can't keep us a part, you can't break up love".

I just didn't respond - once I get the definate that she is not pregnant. I am thinking about getting a restaining order against her.

I know for a fact that my son has not spoken to her since I told them that it was over. I will be getting his phone number changed and watching him like a hawk...anything to keep this girl away from my son...and vice versa (because he isn't so innocent either) until I know that this is over.
You should be able to go through your cell phone provider to block calls and texts coming from her phone, if this is a step you want take.

However, she is not the villain here. She did not have sex alone. I'll bet she's every bit as confused and angry as your son is. From her point of view, they're in love, they had sex, and he broke up with her right after, and she's also convinced herself that she may be pregnant (and she still may be). She's probably feeling used and degraded right now. I'm not saying that you should allow them to get back together or to continue to see each other, but even if you don't like her family, try to have a little compassion for her as a human being. She is also only 14, just like your son.
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Old 01-17-2011, 09:13 AM
 
90 posts, read 197,480 times
Reputation: 124
One of the best things my parents ever did for me in high school was to "draw a line in the sand." Regardless of the issue: sex, drugs, grades, etc I always knew where they stood on the issue. If I chose to veer from it, I did so knowing they would not approve.

I cannot tell you how many times I avoided behaviors because I knew I would get into big trouble with my parents. Some things were worth the punishment, others not so much.

My daughter is a freshman in high school. She KNOWS my feelings on every topic. She has a couple of friends who recently have tried alcohol, stole stuff, etc. My daughter told me it was much easier for her to walk away from these behaviors because she knew I would find out and disapprove. She wants to have fun, but does not want to get into trouble.

Point being...she knows where to draw the line. I have no doubt she will cross it at times, but at least she will think about it, and know her parents do not approve.

You are 100% right in your approach. You are making it very clear that you do NOT approve of his behaviors with this girl. The girl will get pregnant, eventually. You are doing everything possible to keep it from being with your son.

If your son chooses to sneak around behind your back, he is doing it without your approval. It will weigh on him. Your son sounds like a good kid caught in a bad situation. He may not make the right choices every time, but he will follow your lead for the most part.

Stay strong.
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Old 01-17-2011, 09:16 AM
 
90 posts, read 197,480 times
Reputation: 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951 View Post
You should be able to go through your cell phone provider to block calls and texts coming from her phone, if this is a step you want take.

However, she is not the villain here. She did not have sex alone. I'll bet she's every bit as confused and angry as your son is. From her point of view, they're in love, they had sex, and he broke up with her right after, and she's also convinced herself that she may be pregnant (and she still may be). She's probably feeling used and degraded right now. I'm not saying that you should allow them to get back together or to continue to see each other, but even if you don't like her family, try to have a little compassion for her as a human being. She is also only 14, just like your son.
The crux of the issue in this circumstance is the girl WANTS to get pregnant. The OP recognizes that her son is equally responsible for having sex. She is worried that he will probably end up a teen father if he maintains a relationship with this particular girl.
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Old 01-17-2011, 09:25 AM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,302 posts, read 3,759,048 times
Reputation: 2524
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951 View Post
You should be able to go through your cell phone provider to block calls and texts coming from her phone, if this is a step you want take.

However, she is not the villain here. She did not have sex alone. I'll bet she's every bit as confused and angry as your son is. From her point of view, they're in love, they had sex, and he broke up with her right after, and she's also convinced herself that she may be pregnant (and she still may be). She's probably feeling used and degraded right now. I'm not saying that you should allow them to get back together or to continue to see each other, but even if you don't like her family, try to have a little compassion for her as a human being. She is also only 14, just like your son.
She can deal with it with respect and dignity. She is starting to use what some would call "Tough love". There is nothing wrong telling the girls she is not to see her son and telling her son he is not to see her. They both are minors and under the responsibility of their parents. If that hurts their feelings, so be it. It is tough on the mom too. However, from what she wrote she is working on it now. I praise her for that, take care.
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