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Old 01-21-2011, 10:41 AM
 
220 posts, read 490,704 times
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Wrestling was taken away as a punishment for him lying about going...I gave him one more chance with wrestling and he messed that up, so it's gone.

He respects the coaches, but they have a lot of wrestlers on the team. He is on the JV team and it seems that they focus more on the Varsity players. They've had a lot of matches and he's only wrestled in two of them, so I think that has him not valuing wrestling as much anymore (hence him skipping practice).
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Old 01-21-2011, 11:41 AM
 
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This is someone else's idea from earlier in the thread, but it might be time to think about sending him away to live with family for awhile. One of my friends was hot and heavy like this with a girl when we were all teens (he and she were 15), and his parents sent him to live 3 hours away with his older brother for a few months. Of course, back then, there weren't as many means to keep in touch, so sending him away might not be as effective now.

Where is the girl's mother in all of this? Is she supporting you or is she helping the kids sneak? That could be part of the problem. Even if she doesn't agree with you, you're still the adult, and if you say the relationship is over, then that should be that.
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Old 01-21-2011, 12:23 PM
 
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Unfortunately, I don't have any responsible adults to send him away to. I have an uncle that lives about 4 hours away who has two boys around my son's same age. I am thinking about sending him down there for the summer, but I don't know their whole situation (they could be going through trouble with their teens too). I may look into that for the summer, but there's nowhere to send him right now.

After going through text messages, I found out that the girl definitely wanted to get pregnant and when she told her mother this after the "act", the mother said that if she is pregnant, she would have to keep it. This could explain why the mother never followed up with taking her to the doctor the day after we found out, like she said she would. I'm sure that the doctor would have recommened The Morning After Pill (there was still time for it to be effective at that point). But instead, this mother would rather let her daughter go along with a pregnancy scare. I'm regretting that I didn't openly suggest the pill at the time...it just didn't cross my mind until later.

And yes, the mother is going along with the kids, as my son had to call HER phone to talk to her daughter and she let them. I called the cops and told her that they need to respect my wishes and not let them talk or see eachother, or the cops will be involved.

It's a lot...I'm just trying my hardest to stay strong.
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Old 01-21-2011, 12:25 PM
 
Location: THE USA
3,254 posts, read 5,262,889 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951 View Post

Where is the girl's mother in all of this? Is she supporting you or is she helping the kids sneak? That could be part of the problem. Even if she doesn't agree with you, you're still the adult, and if you say the relationship is over, then that should be that.

Exactly. She should be an ally in this whole scenario. Is she behaving like another kid would, letting him come over without your consent? Or is she respecting your wishes (and if she was smart- what is in the best interest of her teen) and telling him to get lost when he comes a knocking?


I would enlist as much help as I could with the other parent. Otherwise, sending him away, or relocating to another district might be the best idea.
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Old 01-21-2011, 12:40 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
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Not a parent here. However, I would like to add my 2 cents worth to this if I may.

It's time that you introduce your son to other mindsets. You are going to have to get him actively participating in activities and events where he will meet OTHER types of people so that he comes to the realization and understanding that there are more acceptible ways of living.

Depending upon his interests and your personal points of view, church activities would be good. If you are not church goers then I would look into martial arts, a music program, community theater, sports such as golf, soccer, or any intellectual hobbies like astronomy, etc. Where he will *hopefully* meet more upscale people which will *hopefully* instill values and show him that his current girlfriend's lifestyle is a dead end street.

By providing him with alternative social outlets, you will naturally reduce the amount of time that is available to spend in her environment. Hopefully the combination will help.

In the mean time I would make certain that he is well equiped with condoms and is instructed to use them because now that the horse is out of the barn, there is going to be no getting it back into the barn. If you know what I mean.

I would also see if your community might offer some type of peer counseling that would provide a perspective on what life is like when you are 14 years old and responsible for a child. Many family service agencies have these kinds of life classes which might give your son a wake-up call.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 01-21-2011, 01:03 PM
 
14,777 posts, read 34,552,424 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
Wrestling was taken away as a punishment for him lying about going...I gave him one more chance with wrestling and he messed that up, so it's gone.

He respects the coaches, but they have a lot of wrestlers on the team. He is on the JV team and it seems that they focus more on the Varsity players. They've had a lot of matches and he's only wrestled in two of them, so I think that has him not valuing wrestling as much anymore (hence him skipping practice).
I think limiting his other outlets will be counter-productive. The less his time is occupied, the more time and effort he will put into thinking about her and ways to be with her.

At this point, maybe contact his school counselor for advice on someone you can both talk to or for advice on a program that may help him. You need to find another approach at this point, as you are running out of consequences.

He basically values her (probably more so the sex) then he values what you are taking away. You need to find a way to decrease her "value" or find a way to increase the value of what he may be losing.
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Old 01-21-2011, 01:04 PM
 
220 posts, read 490,704 times
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20yrs - I agree and I'm working on this. I'm working on getting him involved in a neighboorhood Youth Volunteer Organization as well as a Church mentoring program and activities. I'm also looking into switching him to a private school.

But the most important thing is to get him to WANT to do these things. He has already had wrestling and his phone taken away from him (two things that he use to really like) and he doesn't seem to care at this point. I'm hoping that counseling can help with this.
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Old 01-21-2011, 01:07 PM
 
220 posts, read 490,704 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
I think limiting his other outlets will be counter-productive. The less his time is occupied, the more time and effort he will put into thinking about her and ways to be with her.

At this point, maybe contact his school counselor for advice on someone you can both talk to or for advice on a program that may help him. You need to find another approach at this point, as you are running out of consequences.

He basically values her (probably more so the sex) then he values what you are taking away. You need to find a way to decrease her "value" or find a way to increase the value of what he may be losing.
Yes, this is what I'm having the problem with. I can not believe that he is putting himself and me through all of this for a girl, who wants to have a baby at 14 and almost never goes to school. I really need to know why he thinks this is OK.

I've asked him why and he's said that she is not that bad...I don't know her like that and I don't understand. This is why I'm trying to find him a good mentor and counselor because it seems that he thinks that I know nothing at this point...he is right...and being with this girl will not mess up his life.

Last edited by MzSJP; 01-21-2011 at 01:13 PM.. Reason: additional content.
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Old 01-21-2011, 07:08 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post

Has anyone been through counseling as or with a teen? Did it work?


First, let me say I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you're getting some great advice and support here. It sounds like you're really doing your best with an incredibly difficult situation.

I was a behavioral therapist with adolescents (11-19) with chronic self-injury and/or suicidality. Most of these kids had a lot of other problems as well, including defiant behavior, high-risk behaviors and generally "poor" life choices. To answer your question, yes, therapy with a teen can work. It really depends on two things: (1) the therapy you choose and (2) the therapist's ability to build a trusting relationship with both you and your son. Anecdotally, I can tell you that I had a good percentage of my families who were able (over the course of the year of treatment) to make great progress in terms of communicating with each other, helping the kids make better choices, etc. I can promise you, not one teen I ever saw WANTED to be in therapy, though by the time they were done with treatment they tended to be happy their parents "forced" them to.

My best (non-professional, of course, since we're online!) advice is if both of you don't trust the therapist after a month, find someone else. There are a ton of "good" counselors out there; sometimes you need to shop around a bit. I'm not sure where you're from, but the age of consent for therapy varies by state (i.e., whether your son is the client with confidentiality privileges or whether you as the parent of a minor have a right to know the specifics of what goes on in treatment). If you can, find a therapist who will both respect your son's confidentiality AND work with both of you together. I am biased towards therapy that has concrete goals and teaches new ways to solve problems/manage life as well as teaching teens to link behaviors to their consequences. It leaves less room for "all talk, no change."

I hope things work out with the counselor you found. If they don't, don't give up - check with your son's guidance counselor or pediatrician for recommendations, or check the National Institute of Mental Health or American Psychological Association websites "therapist finder." Also, all states should have an accessible website of their licensed providers and you can usually search by specialty (like "adolescent issues," "family therapy").

Hang in there!
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Old 01-21-2011, 09:37 PM
 
11,615 posts, read 19,738,691 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
20yrs - I agree and I'm working on this. I'm working on getting him involved in a neighboorhood Youth Volunteer Organization as well as a Church mentoring program and activities. I'm also looking into switching him to a private school.

But the most important thing is to get him to WANT to do these things. He has already had wrestling and his phone taken away from him (two things that he use to really like) and he doesn't seem to care at this point. I'm hoping that counseling can help with this.
I don't think taking him out of wrestling is a great idea.
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