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Old 01-10-2011, 03:06 PM
 
14,777 posts, read 34,507,040 times
Reputation: 14278

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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
In your shoes, this is exactly what I would do. It may be your only chance to gain control of the situation before it gets totally out of hand. A full court press is needed, so he knows this is a huge big deal and his future is in serious danger.

He will get over his lost love, faster than you think. A few months at most. If you wait, it will be harder.

If he rebels in school, would that be worse than a pregnancy? A future of promiscuity?

Have the courage to be the parent he needs. That is my advice and I am a parent of 2, ages 19 and 13, so I am no amateur at teen love.

Good luck my dear. I can tell you want to do the right thing and you are a loving and thoughtful parent. I hope I was not too harsh.
Have you noticed that every post you have made contains the word "control"? That your central thesis and point of advice is to "control" him? You may have had a positive experience with that method, but I would venture that the large majority of parents who attempt to exert "control" over these types of situations end up with a poor result.

The parent-child relationship is not about control. It's about exerting influence and guidance to reach an outcome. We aren't talking about a kid who gets bad grades because they play video games and ignore their studies, so the parent exerts control and takes the games away. This is about someone testing the waters of love on an emotional and physical level for the first time. A guided and involved approach is what's needed.

It's difficult to approach this from the "it's wrong" side when sex and love are both wonderful things. Afterall, he's not shooting heroin, even if the consequences have the potential to be just as bad. The actions taken now need to be careful so he can learn from this experience and mature emotionally. The learning opportunity will be lost if it simply becomes my mom said I can't.
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:18 PM
 
15,871 posts, read 13,434,729 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
Have you noticed that every post you have made contains the word "control"? That your central thesis and point of advice is to "control" him? You may have had a positive experience with that method, but I would venture that the large majority of parents who attempt to exert "control" over these types of situations end up with a poor result.

The parent-child relationship is not about control. It's about exerting influence and guidance to reach an outcome. We aren't talking about a kid who gets bad grades because they play video games and ignore their studies, so the parent exerts control and takes the games away. This is about someone testing the waters of love on an emotional and physical level for the first time. A guided and involved approach is what's needed.

It's difficult to approach this from the "it's wrong" side when sex and love are both wonderful things. Afterall, he's not shooting heroin, even if the consequences have the potential to be just as bad. The actions taken now need to be careful so he can learn from this experience and mature emotionally. The learning opportunity will be lost if it simply becomes my mom said I can't.
I would agree with you 100% if we were talking about a 16 year old. But this is a 14 year old, and as the mother of an almost 14-year-old girl, I cannot fathom allowing her to continue to date a boy she was having sex with or hang out with a sketchy family that couldn't even be bothered to send him to school.

She would not be dating period. As a parent, I have that perogative and I use it.
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:47 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,333,321 times
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Do not expect the "passing his classes" to continue. (How are his grades now?) He's 14. 14! His brain isn't even fully developed yet.

He'll try and con you. You know that don't you?
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:53 PM
 
Location: THE USA
3,254 posts, read 5,259,104 times
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I knew lots of girls like that growing up. I can only tell you what worked for some parents and that was MOVING AWAY.

Because seriously, I knew at least 10 girls by the age of 17 who were pregnant because they wanted a baby. And if that is what they want, they stop at nothing. They even tried to get me to have one, but I had bigger plans for myself.

I advise moving to another area if possible at all. It sounds very inconvenient, but your sons future is worth it.
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Old 01-10-2011, 04:23 PM
 
2,060 posts, read 4,909,935 times
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I agree, I mean this girl is 14 and doesn't have anything to do all day since she's not in school, I'm sure a baby to look after seems like a lot of fun to her right now, especially with a guy who is saying his parents will help pay for it all.

I'd take him to Target and have him work out the weekly cost of diapers and formula, then have him ask what the minimum hourly wage for a 14 year old is on the way out. Besides the fact that you can't legally work at 14 in a lot of places, realizing how many hours he'd have to work just to cover those expenses alone will probably give him pause for thought.

I'd say there's also a very significant chance that if they break up she'll find someone else to get pregnant with asap. He might want to consider testing out that theory.
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Old 01-10-2011, 04:26 PM
 
2,060 posts, read 4,909,935 times
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Also is it possible that he's committing a felony by sleeping with this girl as she's 14?
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Old 01-10-2011, 04:35 PM
 
15,871 posts, read 13,434,729 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chicagojlo View Post
Also is it possible that he's committing a felony by sleeping with this girl as she's 14?
No, he is also 14.
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Old 01-10-2011, 04:54 PM
 
Location: MMU->ABE->ATL->ASH
9,003 posts, read 16,128,157 times
Reputation: 9676
She came over to his house... Charge her with Rape of him...
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Old 01-10-2011, 05:47 PM
 
3,749 posts, read 7,236,375 times
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Sorry I havent read through all these threads, but once they have had sex - they are not going to stop - so you have to ensure they are both protected - you can go with the girl and mother and see it for yourself - or you have to find a way to get rid of her in his life. That I wish I had the remedy - I would be a mil- no billionare.
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Old 01-10-2011, 05:51 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,978,939 times
Reputation: 30256
I only read the very first OP, and I was inspired to post right away.

MzSJP,

How can a 14 year old girl not go to school? How can her parents allow that? Sounds like the entire family is low-life trash. Enough said.

Since your son is only 14, you simply must end the relationship and forbid him to be with her. Period.

I'm not suggesting this extreme measure because they had sex. I'm suggesting extreme measures are necessary because he sees nothing wrong with getting a girl pregnant at 14.

That's the end of this relationship--and any relationship--until he has matured into a more responsible teenage who has the good sense to use condoms and not get girls pregnant.
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