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Old 01-10-2011, 07:54 PM
 
2,866 posts, read 6,269,303 times
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They won't let me "rep" Hopes or FinsterRufus again, but I have to go on record to say that you two are my favorite posters!

To the OP - as a mom of a hormonally motivated teenage boy, I agree that you MUST not allow these two to be together in the same space without direct supervision. All the talks in the world will not overrule what is going on under his jeans. Do the really hard thing now and don't allow them to see each other. He will eventually get over it and she will find a replacement quicker than you can say "Congratulations! It's a boy!"
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:59 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,689,414 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
Thanks so much for the continued feedback. It is giving me a lot to consider and think about.

I am at the point where I do not want my son seeing this girl anymore. HOWEVER, they are very deep in "teen love", so I fear that forbidding him from seeing her, cold-turkey, could result in him rebelling through school (right now he's passing all of his classes and not skipping school). I'm afraid that that may change if I go home tonight and tell him that he cannot see her anymore. Even though that is what I want.

I am hoping to maybe talk to him about her life style (not going to school, not caring about anything, maybe trying to get pregnant, etc.) and trying to get him to see that she is not the type of girl that he should be with. He cares about going to school, and gets good grades. He's not sure exactly what he wants to be in life, but he knows that he wants the best out of life. So why would he put all of that in jepoardy to be with a girl who is the complete opposite and will only end up bringing him down?!?

I am thinking about telling him that he cannot see her unless she ATLEAST goes to school every day. If she doesn't want to do it for herself, let's see if she'll do it to be with my son (I really don't think she'll go to school regardless). I'm going to tell him, that I don't think that's an unreasonable request and if she cannot do that, then he shouldn't even want to be with her anyway. Well see how that works out.

The thing is as his age no matter what you do will fall on deaf ears.....he is not thinking logically...and with her blowing his horn *pun very much intended* mom and dad have no weight. Since it is obvious they don't live close then i would just cut off contact....sure it's possible they could find a way....but chances are once it becomes to much a burden she will back off and find a new su.... i mean bf. And yes he might try to react with low school work....or even yell at you. But your job as a parent is to do things sometimes your kids don't like. You can't worry about the possibility of his reaction is as a reason for not taking the hard choice. Because a few bad months at school is much better then a baby.
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Old 01-10-2011, 10:01 PM
 
Location: maryland
3,967 posts, read 5,689,414 times
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where is leaving mass at? I want to hear her advice on what she would do .
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Old 01-10-2011, 10:24 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn, New York
1,194 posts, read 1,515,218 times
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He's a 14 year old child, you can certainly control who he can and can't see. Id forbid him from seeing her before he gets the girl pregnant.
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Old 01-10-2011, 10:46 PM
 
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Is there a local school that has daycare in the schools (still shocked so many schools have daycares in them?) How about seeing if he can volunteer in there for a day to see what it is like to care for a baby?

Oh, and I think I would also think about contacting authorities and letting them know her parents are ok with her not being at school at 14 as well as seeking to put a restraining order on her some how.. something.
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Old 01-10-2011, 11:54 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,810,130 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
Have you noticed that every post you have made contains the word "control"? That your central thesis and point of advice is to "control" him? You may have had a positive experience with that method, but I would venture that the large majority of parents who attempt to exert "control" over these types of situations end up with a poor result.

The parent-child relationship is not about control. It's about exerting influence and guidance to reach an outcome. We aren't talking about a kid who gets bad grades because they play video games and ignore their studies, so the parent exerts control and takes the games away. This is about someone testing the waters of love on an emotional and physical level for the first time. A guided and involved approach is what's needed.

It's difficult to approach this from the "it's wrong" side when sex and love are both wonderful things. Afterall, he's not shooting heroin, even if the consequences have the potential to be just as bad. The actions taken now need to be careful so he can learn from this experience and mature emotionally. The learning opportunity will be lost if it simply becomes my mom said I can't.
Like others pointed out - this child is only 14 - it would be different if he were 17 or even 16.

A 17 year old might have a concept of having a job and having at least 25% of his income taken from him for child support. A 14 year old could be too immature to even understand what working a job might involve. When a kid reaches 16 or 17, you can often point out how expensive it will be to raise a child for 18-20 years.

As far as control - sure it's nice to give total freedom with some nice advice but do you allow a child to make his or her own decisions when it comes to drinking and driving or getting up in the morning to go to school? Or do you just try to influence your child not to get into cars with strangers or chat with much older men on the internet? Controlling children is what good parents do.

It would be one thing -- now that they've crossed that line to get that girl on some kind of sure birth control like the implant + condoms + diaphram + spermicides and hope for the best but it sounds like the girl and her family don't see much problem if she becomes impregnated by the boy. That's too risky. I tend to agree with those who say get them separated.
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Old 01-11-2011, 12:24 AM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,976 posts, read 11,815,244 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
How can a 14 year old girl not go to school? How can her parents allow that? Sounds like the entire family is low-life trash. Enough said.
Was this question answered yet? This is the crux of the matter for me. Many teens are going to fool around and experiment, but it would seem this girl does not have much going for her, except to become a mommy. Girls in school who are ambitious and busy are hopefully more inclined to be cautious and use protection.

I struggle with my own double-standard in this regard. I say that I will be happy for my children to be with anyone who loves them, regardless of gender, religion, occupation, yadda yadda, but in reality if they brought home a drop-out, I know I would not be happy.
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:20 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,178,767 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
And yes he might try to react with low school work....or even yell at you. But your job as a parent is to do things sometimes your kids don't like. You can't worry about the possibility of his reaction is as a reason for not taking the hard choice. Because a few bad months at school is much better then a baby.
You bring up a good point. At 14, his grades are unimportant compared to potentially getting a girl pregnant. Perspective.
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:27 AM
 
11,616 posts, read 19,760,598 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zimbochick View Post
Was this question answered yet? This is the crux of the matter for me. Many teens are going to fool around and experiment, but it would seem this girl does not have much going for her, except to become a mommy. Girls in school who are ambitious and busy are hopefully more inclined to be cautious and use protection.

I struggle with my own double-standard in this regard. I say that I will be happy for my children to be with anyone who loves them, regardless of gender, religion, occupation, yadda yadda, but in reality if they brought home a drop-out, I know I would not be happy.
I agree with your last statement. I would be fine with a girl of any race but would totally freak out if my kids were involved with someone who appeared to be a total loser.
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Old 01-11-2011, 08:04 AM
 
14,777 posts, read 34,597,131 times
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My point regarding control and banning is that doing so will often lead kids to rebel. While some of you think that it will be contained to grades and being mad at mom, I think it will more than likely result in rebeling to be with the girl. Of course, in that case it will simply be moved underground. The OP already said the girl walks an hour to get to his house and her home is sort of an open place. You don't think a hormonally motivated 14 year old boy with the promise of a sure thing on the other end is going to find a way to make it happen? Whether it's meeting in the park halfway or him going to her house, skipping school, etc. it will happen. This is why I feel it is so important to be providing guidance in this situation and getting him to realize what the consequences of those actions are.

By insisting on forcefully controlling the situation, mom may in fact be giving up whatever control she actually has.
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