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Old 01-11-2011, 09:27 AM
 
220 posts, read 490,704 times
Reputation: 336

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Once again, thank you for all of the awesome feedback. I'm still exploring my options and I'm taking everyday this week to talk to my son. Last night went very well. I've decided that I am going to the girl's parents house this weekend and lay down the law - once I decide exactly what I want that to be.

Whatever it is, I am going to talk to my son about it, by himself, first so that he knows the reasoning behind whatever it is I decide to do (and hopefully respects it).

I'm really leaning towards seriously limiting their time together to seeing each other once a week and ONLY if I'm there and she can show me that she's gone to school for the entire week. I would like some distance to grow between them from this and hopefully my son will move on.

**My only concern with this is that they also talk a lot through text messages and Facebook. I don't want to take that away from him because that would be me taking away his entire social life, even the positive kids that go to school and I don't want to do that. Any suggestions?

Last edited by MzSJP; 01-11-2011 at 10:14 AM..
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:35 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,761,562 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
My point regarding control and banning is that doing so will often lead kids to rebel. While some of you think that it will be contained to grades and being mad at mom, I think it will more than likely result in rebeling to be with the girl. Of course, in that case it will simply be moved underground. The OP already said the girl walks an hour to get to his house and her home is sort of an open place. You don't think a hormonally motivated 14 year old boy with the promise of a sure thing on the other end is going to find a way to make it happen? Whether it's meeting in the park halfway or him going to her house, skipping school, etc. it will happen. This is why I feel it is so important to be providing guidance in this situation and getting him to realize what the consequences of those actions are.

By insisting on forcefully controlling the situation, mom may in fact be giving up whatever control she actually has.
I don't believe parents should always fear rebellion. It might be better for a child to have guidelines and limits that they can rebel against. Some of the stricter parents I know actually were rebellious at some point in their own teen years but in the process of rebelling, they must have actually listened to their parents.

The girl's parents sound like they want to have zero rules and simply let her do her own thing, make her own decisions at age 14 - including the decision to go to school or have a baby.

Sometimes a little rebellion is just fine. Parents should not live in fear of it - so the kid rebels and the parents then have to make their next move. That's often what it's all about but to cater completely to everything a child wants to do to avoid all disagreement isn't necessarily good parenting.
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:42 AM
 
220 posts, read 490,704 times
Reputation: 336
I'm also going to tell the girl that she is NOT to come to my house AT ALL when I'm not there.

I don't think I'm going to tell them this, but if she does it again after the warning, then I will definitely see about getting a restraining order against her coming to my house and ALL communication between them will be cut off. I don't want to be that drastic, but I will do it in the best interest of my son.

The girl's mother seemed surprised when she said that she never goes to school. The mother is already at work in the morning, but her dad wakes her up every morning to go to school, but obviously doesn't make sure that she actually goes. They've already had to go to court for her skipping school so much this year (and threatened with a $250 fine). The fact that they still are not making sure that she's going to school after having to go to court is saying A LOT about them.
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Old 01-11-2011, 09:54 AM
 
11,615 posts, read 19,738,691 times
Reputation: 12051
Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
Once again, thank you for all of the awesome feedback. I'm still exploring my options and I'm taking everyday this week to talk to my son. Last night went very well. I've decided that I am going to the girl's parents house this weekend and lay down the law - once I decide exactly what I want that to be.

Whatever it is, I am going to talk to my son about it, by himself, first so that he knows the reasoning behind whatever it is I decide to do (and hopefully respects it).

I'm really leaning towards seriously limiting their time together to seeing each other once a week and ONLY if I'm there and she can show me that she's gone to school for the entire week. I would like to some distance to grow between them from this and hopefully my son will move on.

**My only concern with this is that they also talk a lot through text messages and Facebook. I don't want to take that away from him because that would be me taking away his entire social life, even the positive kids that go to school and I don't want to do that. Any suggestions?
I wouldn't cut off FB at this point. Nobody ever got pg from communicating via computer.
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:00 AM
 
220 posts, read 490,704 times
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NJGOAT and Malamute, I agree with you both. That's why I'm trying to do a mix of guidance and rules. I've always been strict with him (and he's turned out to be a really good kid), now that he's getting older, I was trying to be a little more lenient. But I've realized that I cannot give up my rules and expectations just so that he won't get mad at me. Instead, I'm taking the approach of talking to him to explain my expectations and rules and I'm hoping that he will feel that the rules that I'm setting out are for his own good and not just to be mean and I'm hoping that he will respect them. If not, I will have to deal with it.
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:06 AM
 
220 posts, read 490,704 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I wouldn't cut off FB at this point. Nobody ever got pg from communicating via computer.
Yeah, but it's hard for the "puppy love" to fade away if they're constantly texting and IM'ing eachother. But you're right, I will take that over them physically being together.
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:16 AM
 
11,615 posts, read 19,738,691 times
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I think that puppy love will run its course most of the time. If you cut off all contact, including electronic, then you give them something extra to prop up their relationship. I think it may wind up backfiring because they then have this "ban" to bind them together in secret hatred of you.

BTW-I agree with whomever said that you should not be afraid of a little rebellion. If he rebels then so be it. You don't have to give up on his life because you are afraid of him being mad at you.
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:20 AM
 
1,425 posts, read 3,526,569 times
Reputation: 2024
As a teenager, I put my momma through hell. Starting from the age of 14. I dated guys older, skipped school and snuck out of the house. I ended up leaving home at 15. In my case, it was not bad parenting, but I was/am fiercely independent and stubborn.

My momma did all she could do with me. She did the lock down, but I found ways around her rules.... eventually by leaving her house. I did not have the desire to pop out babies and drugs never held any allure for me. So I guess it all worked out okay for me as I am college educated, long time employed, responsible, tax paying citizen.

I like your approach on how to give them the responsibility of their own relationship. (where the girl has to prove she is at school.... etc) This does two things.... one, they have the responsibility to invest effort in being able to see each other, and two it doesn't make you the ogre trying to rip them apart.

The social networking/ texting.... I wouldn't eliminate it, but I would put some restrictions on it. I would however pull access for at least a week because he had someone over without permission (not for having sex, but for having someone over without permission.... if that is against your house rules).

As scary as it is, this is where all the good parenting you did for the last 14 years has to come into play. I think the reason I did not go down the dark spiral of destruction when I went buck is because my momma instilled all her good parenting in my early years.... and taught me to take responsibility for my own actions and choices.

Just a little thought.... it may actually be in your best interest to take this girl under your wing.... show her all the possibilities she has before her. It doesn't seem she has ever been shown she has a future. Maybe you can help open her eyes.
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:22 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,076,504 times
Reputation: 30261
Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
I'm also going to tell the girl that she is NOT to come to my house AT ALL when I'm not there.

I don't think I'm going to tell them this, but if she does it again after the warning, then I will definitely see about getting a restraining order against her coming to my house and ALL communication between them will be cut off. I don't want to be that drastic, but I will do it in the best interest of my son.
If you warn them about her not being allowed at your house, he should be made to understand that would be the end of his being permitted to ever see her again. I would extend that warning to seeing each other outside of school without your permission.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
The girl's mother seemed surprised when she said that she never goes to school. The mother is already at work in the morning, but her dad wakes her up every morning to go to school, but obviously doesn't make sure that she actually goes. They've already had to go to court for her skipping school so much this year (and threatened with a $250 fine). The fact that they still are not making sure that she's going to school after having to go to court is saying A LOT about them.
You're not doing much better at controlling what your son does after school while you and your husband are at work. Food for thought.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I wouldn't cut off FB at this point. Nobody ever got pg from communicating via computer.
I was thinking the same thing: he can't get her pregnant via texting!
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:27 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,076,504 times
Reputation: 30261
Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
Yeah, but it's hard for the "puppy love" to fade away if they're constantly texting and IM'ing eachother. But you're right, I will take that over them physically being together.
You're just doing this in phases. You take texting away from him when he sneaks to see her behind your back.

It's going to happen. He's not going to take you too seriously. He will try to sneak.

That's when you take texting away---along with everything else.

Then you blame it on his making poor decisions, not on her being bad for him.
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