"Why Chinese Mothers are Superior" (punishment, single parent, 4 yr old)

[formercalifornian]

Since nobody else has chimed in, here are some of my thoughts about the book now that I've read the whole thing:

* Chua loves her daughters very much and pushes them hard because she believes in them.

* Chua is just as hard, if not harder, on herself.

* Chua's daughters are not abuse victims despite what you may think after reading excerpts.

* Interviews aren't kind to Chua. Her self-deprecating humor comes through loud and clear in the book, but she gets nervous and defensive when questioned.

* The most vicious criticism of Chua is born of a deep-seated fear that she is right about western parenting and is coming from people who haven't actually read her book or from those whose job is to create controversy.

On a personal note, I've realized that I have plenty of room to raise my expectations of my own children without destroying their psyches. Coddling children does them no favors.

Some changes I'm committed to making include:

* Music practice is mandatory.

* We will seek out the most demanding teachers for our children, and there will be no complaining from either kids or parents about expectations.

* Any unfinished classwork will be completed at home regardless of the teacher's expectations.

* Extra credit isn't negotiable.

* There will be absolutely no video games on school nights even if schoolwork is done.

* No more after-school playdates, because it's difficult for my kids to focus on homework afterwards.

* Everyone will complete at least 45 minutes of instructional (i.e., challenging) reading everyday in addition to that required for homework.

* My middle schooler's dreams of a cell phone are officially kaput, and computer time will be strictly limited to only what's necessary for homework. Social networking sites will be blocked permanently.

As an aside, my daughter came home with her first "A+" on a math test after her father and I told her that we knew she was capable of it and that we expected nothing less from her.

[jgamibi]

It is stupid because of the top, Chinese mothers are not superior than any other type of mothers out there and believe me, if you think Chinese parents are strict you have not met Indian parents.

All of you kissing up to Asians and about how successful they are, lol, HELLO, ever heard of being privileged?!

Asians rarely have to suffer the poverty in higher numbers that a high number of Blacks and Hispanics do (In this case by Asian we mean East Asians, Cambodians and other Asians like that are not really brought into the conversation as much as Koreans, Chinese, and Japanese are).

Then again the Cambodians don't have those strict parents.

Point is, a lot of Asians are privileged (even more so than Whites) here in the US so they can afford to send their kids to the best schools (high school and junior highs) where their kids are basically in a bubble and they can afford to get their kids into other programs. A lot of Blacks and Hispanics do not get those opportunities that Asians kid.

Indian parents > Chinese parents when it comes to being strict.

[formercalifornian]

Beans&cornbread...

To understand why Chua's husband isn't referred to in the excerpts, you need to read the entire book, not just an article or two. He's fully present in the life of the family, and he balances Chua's "Chinese" parenting style, but this is Chua's memoir, not his.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by theS5

What do you mean my little Brecken, Wyatt (insert any insipid new aged name) failed the test? Why, it could not be his fault, he is such a good boy and well, you know, we do pay your salary.

US parents better wake up or their kids will get that manufacturing job that many feel we sorely lack here in America. The difference being that they will be answering to Mr. Cho.

Yup. They will answer to the kids who take responsibility for themselves because they will grow up to become adults who can take responsibility for others.

As a parent, I would rather my child fail on her own and learn a lesson than pass with an A because I was a helicopter parent.

I teach 10th/11th grade and I have one mom who emails me, constantly, wanting to know why her son got this wrong or that wrong or how he can pull his grade up but I NEVER hear from this student. Not once has he asked me for a missed assignment or the reason he got something wrong. I want so bad to say "Mom, it's time you cut the umbilical cord already" but that wouldn't be PC because, after all, they do pay my wages . This mom is doing her son no favors.

I've already been warned that the parents of three of my students who are failing because they do nothing will be in screaming after the semester is over because it's my fault their child failed. All three of these kids have had multiple opportunties to turn in missed work. I told all three the grade they will need on my final to pass my class if they don't get in their missed work (only worth 50% credit right now but you can actually pass if you have go into the final with a 55% average while you can't if you go into the final with a 45% average).

I also have a, healthy, compliment of kids who do take responsibility for themselves but I'm at one of the best high schools around and I know what it's like at the other high schools. The 1/3 of my kids who will work for every point they can get and ask for help when needed are the exception to the rule not the rule. I was lucky to see three students like this per term when I taught in the charter school.

[Beans&Cornbread]

Originally Posted by formercalifornian

Beans&cornbread...

To understand why Chua's husband isn't referred to in the excerpts, you need to read the entire book, not just an article or two. He's fully present in the life of the family, and he balances Chua's "Chinese" parenting style, but this is Chua's memoir, not his.

Actually, Chua's spouse is discussed in the article. Regarding the "Little Donkey" incident described in the article, he tried (unsuccessfully) to intervene when Ms. Chua was pushing their younger daughter so hard to learn this piano piece. In the end, he agreed that Ms. Chua was right with how she handled the situation. I get that this is only a small excerpt from the book and it doesn't tell the whole story - but it certainly suggests that the father gets "overruled" when the two don't agree.

I understand that this is Ms. Chua's memoir (maybe her husband's memoir about how Jewish/Western fathers are superior didn't quite make the cut or is perhaps due to come out as a sequel...) - but Ms. Chua's thesis is that Chinese parenting is superior - not the merits of balancing her Chinese style to her spouse's Jewish/Western style. I just found it a bit ironic that she is touting the superiority of Chinese parenting when half of her "management" team is not Chinese.

[formercalifornian]

Again, you need to read the entire book. Lulu was seven at the time of the "Little White Donkey" incident. She is fifteen at the end of the book, and Chua evolves as a mother during that time, retaining the high expectations and no excuses attitude that inspires her daughters to accomplish so much while also learning to accept her younger daughter's choices . Chua is still a force of nature to be sure, but she's more balanced and flexible.

I also think it's important to note that the very long subtitle of the book, ignored by most of the articles that have been written about Chua, provide important insight into the author and her relationship with her daughters. The entire title of the book is:

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother: This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs. This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones. But instead, it's about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.

[Beans&Cornbread]

Originally Posted by formercalifornian

Again, you need to read the entire book. Lulu was seven at the time of the "Little White Donkey" incident. She is fifteen at the end of the book, and Chua evolves as a mother during that time, retaining the high expectations and no excuses attitude that inspires her daughters to accomplish so much while also learning to accept her younger daughter's choices . Chua is still a force of nature to be sure, but she's more balanced and flexible.

I also think it's important to note that the very long subtitle of the book, ignored by most of the articles that have been written about Chua, provide important insight into the author and her relationship with her daughters. The entire title of the book is:

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother: This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs. This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones. But instead, it's about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.

Right on, formercalifornian. Thanks for filling in the blanks (and there were quite a few for me). This makes more sense to me now.

[formercalifornian]

I'm glad my explanation helped fill in the blanks for you. I think it's an entertaining and thought-provoking book. Interviews and articles have focused on the most shocking parts of the memoir, most of them at the very beginning of the story, while giving short shrift to Chua's evolution as a mother, which becomes very apparent as the story progresses.

I found myself looking in the mirror, figuratively, quite a bit while reading the book. Chua has some stinging rebukes for Western parenting, many of which are richly deserved. That said, she's not oblivious to the weaknesses of high-stakes "Chinese" parenting either.

In the end, I agree with her conclusion that there is a middle-ground, and I suspect the daughter who taught her that lesson is the one who most benefitted from having a "Tiger Mother."

[crisan]

formercalifornian, thank you for your contribution to the discussion. Much of what you have said I have guessed about the book. I have not read it and don't plan on doing so.

My goal has always been to parent in a more authoritative way, the opposite of what was represented in the article. But as my daughter leaves the baby stage and enters a stage where she exerts her independence, I find this goal to be very challenging. I find myself saying and doing things (or on the verge of doing) that I promised I would not do.

What kept me in the direction I desired was that I promised myself that I would not go to bed with regret or a hard heart. I would often reflect on the events of the day, to determine if they were leading me in the direction I wanted. What I found was that much of this depended my on own behavior and thinking, which had to be modified. Slowly, instead of waiting until night time to reflect, I was able to do it right after an interaction with my daughter. Now, I am much better about stopping and thinking about what to do, of course, in cases where there is no immediate danger.

I, too, have evolved, not as a parent, but as a person. I believe this is not a parenting "method or style". It is simply taking responsibility for my behavior and taking responsibility for guiding and caring for my daughter the best way I could.

[Jennibc]

Originally Posted by formercalifornian

Again, you need to read the entire book. Lulu was seven at the time of the "Little White Donkey" incident. She is fifteen at the end of the book, and Chua evolves as a mother during that time, retaining the high expectations and no excuses attitude that inspires her daughters to accomplish so much while also learning to accept her younger daughter's choices . Chua is still a force of nature to be sure, but she's more balanced and flexible.

I also think it's important to note that the very long subtitle of the book, ignored by most of the articles that have been written about Chua, provide important insight into the author and her relationship with her daughters. The entire title of the book is:

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother: This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs. This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones. But instead, it's about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.

You see, I REFUSE to read the book because her publisher culled the most controversial parts of the book strung it together and submitted to the WSJ primarily so there would be this kind of buzz. What that article did was feed into horrible stereotypes about both Chinese kids and "western" kids. I refuse to reward their marketing ploy.