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I keep thinking about the way they were dressed. It seems like kids have their trendy clothes and that is it. Nothing dressy, nothing for a special occasion. A couple years ago at a grandparent's funeral, my 14 year old nephew was wearing jeans and even my 9 year old nephew had a fit because he was told to wear khakis. I don't remember what he ended up wearing. Not having teens yet, I didn't want to be too judgmental, but I was thinking my boys will never wear jeans to a funeral. I hope I don't eat my words.
You won't eat your words. Most teens understand that they need to dress appropriately for certain situations, like weddings, funerals, and interviews. They might have a fit, but they'll dress appropriately, maybe not exactly like you want but appropriately, because you will impress the importance of it on them. Honestly, I would have left my children home if they refused to dress appropriately for a funeral or wedding. Thankfully that never happened.
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Originally Posted by NEOhioBound
It seems pretty obvious, if Hopes wasn't going to take him around to do it, he wouldn't go looking for jobs on his own.
Yep! That's it! He would have looked for jobs but not at the intensity that I showed him. Even if he doesn't 'get' it now, I'm planting seeds. In his future, he'll remember and he will know what 'pounding the pavement' means when he has a family and it matters most.
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Originally Posted by Dorthy
I'm guessing that this kids parents couldn't pass these basic skills down to him because they were lacking these basics themselves. Unfortunately there are many people who are completely clueless as how to dress and act when looking for employment and on the job. Just try and understand that the life and environment that he came from is very likely a completely different world from what you are used to and what you see as the norm.
I almost wish that were the case with this one. But his mother is extremely successful. She makes mad money. For some reason, she chose to treat this child differently from her other children since the day he was born. Well, I think I know the reason. His father left her while she was pregnant. I think she took it out on him. It's sick.
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Originally Posted by Dorthy
I used to work in social work with very poor families and it was an eye opening experience as to the barriers that many people face simply from growing up within a culture of poverty. I think it's great that you are trying to help him out. Simple things like showing him how to dress properly and how to act when he goes in to ask for an application and how to fill out an application correctly will go a long way. I hope he takes your advice and help seriously.
Thanks. I'm trying very hard to do things that are helping him learn how to help himself. Teach a man to fish. But I'm tempted to put money into his lunch account. He's broke because his work hours were cut back after Christmas. I can't understand why the school district can't put him on the free meal program. I feed him everytime he visits. (He is visiting now---my son is starting to forgive him.) Quite a few families are doing this too.
When he first was kicked out, he was in la la land. He didn't realize the direness of his situation. He blew his money, etc. He's sort of in la la land all the time. He always has been like that. He just assumes everything is okay. He wore out his welcome at the first house he was staying at because he didn't realize some things were bothersome.
I literally made him go home to the house he is currently staying at tonight because he hasn't been there since Friday morning. (He has been staying at different friends' houses.) I told him that he might lose his place to live if he doesn't go there to spend time. He says in an airheaded way, "They're cool. They're okay with it." Clueless. I mean, it's a friend's house. That means he hasn't seen that particular friend since Friday morning either. His friend might get sick of him not spending time with him. He just doesn't understand these things unless they're spelled out for him. And I mean it takes a lot to get through to him before he 'gets' it.
If he has that kind of problem, just dressing himself to make an impression, I can't imagine he's got anything to offer an employer. Dont' be surprised that he can't find a job. I helped out a semi-homeless teen too, but I DID have to drive him to work for a long time, until he saved enough to buy a car for himself. I knew what I was getting into but if you choose to step in it, you own it. Fortunately he knows how to impress (hey, he got me to take him in didn't he? hahaha) once he found a job he got my own son, who is 3 years younger, hired there as well so driving them was just a way of life for awhile, a "mom" thing.
Sounds to me like he's never going to learn until things stop working out for him - I can see why he thinks things will always be alright because so far every time he's goofed up someone has saved him.
I keep thinking about the way they were dressed. It seems like kids have their trendy clothes and that is it. Nothing dressy, nothing for a special occasion. A couple years ago at a grandparent's funeral, my 14 year old nephew was wearing jeans and even my 9 year old nephew had a fit because he was told to wear khakis. I don't remember what he ended up wearing. Not having teens yet, I didn't want to be too judgmental, but I was thinking my boys will never wear jeans to a funeral. I hope I don't eat my words.
The issue with kids around 14 is that when something sudden happens they may have outgrown their dressy clothes. My 14 year old grew a foot in around 18 months. He has a new suit now because we just went on a cruise but before I bought him the new one (at Kohls, really cheap) he just didn't have one that fit him. When he tried on his old suit it looked ridiculous on him. So, if someone had died in November he would not have had a suit to wear to the funeral (although he would have something other than jeans). When someone dies there isn't always time to buy something new for the funeral.
If he has that kind of problem, just dressing himself to make an impression, I can't imagine he's got anything to offer an employer. Dont' be surprised that he can't find a job.
He has found jobs before. And he does well at the jobs when he has them. I think part of the reason he was dressed so badly is his clothes were at the house he is staying at, the house that he hadn't been to since Friday morning. He should have gotten someone to ride him there to pick up clothes.
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Originally Posted by Ceece
I helped out a semi-homeless teen too, but I DID have to drive him to work for a long time, until he saved enough to buy a car for himself. I knew what I was getting into but if you choose to step in it, you own it. Fortunately he knows how to impress (hey, he got me to take him in didn't he? hahaha) once he found a job he got my own son, who is 3 years younger, hired there as well so driving them was just a way of life for awhile, a "mom" thing.
I'm owning it. If anything happens to his car, I will drive him to work because having a job is vital to his survival. I know what you mean about it just becoming a way of life for a while. We're parents. We've already car pooled our children everywhere for years. Adding one more kid to the schedule isn't a big deal.
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Originally Posted by chicagojlo
Sounds to me like he's never going to learn until things stop working out for him - I can see why he thinks things will always be alright because so far every time he's goofed up someone has saved him.
That's why we left him to suffer for a couple of months. ("We" being me and the mother who mother who initially let him live at her house the first two weeks.) We decided that he did need to suffer a bit so he could 'get' it. The reality is that he was extremely micromanaged while he was growing up. That's why I'm limiting what I will do for him. For example, now that he is totally broke, he is going through serious nicotine withdrawl. I certainly won't buy him cigarettes or the nicotine patch. His suffering for not having any money to buy himself cigarettes will do him good. I'll feed him when he's around, but I won't let him move into our house until he repairs the relationship with my son AND proves himself job-wise and priority-wise. He knows what I expect of him.
I explained to him that nobody will lend him money because he didn't pay two separate sets of parents back for his car. I told him he has proven he's not a good credit risk. He said he didn't pay them because he hates them---that he would pay someone he likes. I told him the world doesn't work that way. You pay someone back because you owe them. You pay someone back because it's your responsibility. You pay someone back because it's your honor at stake.
I wouldn't give him the money for his car. When he got a lump sum of money, he wanted to keep part of it. I made him put it towards getting his car back---even though that meant no money for nicotine. You should have seen the look on his face---like a shocked, wounded puppy. He might be going through nicotine withdraw, but he has a car now. He might not have two pennies to rub together, but he has a car now.
The issue with kids around 14 is that when something sudden happens they may have outgrown their dressy clothes. My 14 year old grew a foot in around 18 months. He has a new suit now because we just went on a cruise but before I bought him the new one (at Kohls, really cheap) he just didn't have one that fit him. When he tried on his old suit it looked ridiculous on him. So, if someone had died in November he would not have had a suit to wear to the funeral (although he would have something other than jeans). When someone dies there isn't always time to buy something new for the funeral.
That's true. We were always scrambling to buy clothes that fit for funerals. It's hard to do even when you're not closely associated with the deceased, but it would be even harder when greiving. Could you imagine trying to shop for your children's close if your spouse died? Yeah, it would get done, but man that would be rough.
I've noticed that families that dress for church each week don't have this problem though.
Hopes I didn't say I thought they were taking advantage of you because YOU are bored. I said I thought they were doing it because THEY are bored.
You agreed yourself - if the kid didn't have you to bring him to places, he wouldn't bother to go. And he has his own car. There is nothing stopping him from picking up his own ball and running with it. Except you. You are preventing him from TAKING responsibility for himself, at the current moment. He hasn't hit rock bottom. If he has, he would either stay there, or pick himself up. He hasn't had to make that decision, because you gave in and picked him up for him.
You're treating him as if he's your own child. He's not. He's not your responsibility. He's leeching your kindness, he's taking advantage of you, he's dragging his girlfriend into it. He's stressing you out (you've posted several times that this is stressing you out) which has an effect on how you interact with your -own- family...
I've dealt with kids like this. They don't grow up grateful that someone else's mom gave them rides to turn in job applications they didn't really care much about filling in. They grow up *expecting* other people to do their work for them. And then they get bitter when they discover that most people are *not* Hopes.
This is what happens in this society when parents are not allowed to disipline their children and make their children tow the line . Or when one parent is constantly trying to undermine the other . My ex husband did this consistantly and now my oldest has turned into someone I dont even know . She is toxic and has a foul mouth and she thinks because she is an adult she is automatically due respect without giving it to others . I have heard her tell her aunt F you who the f are you to tell me or anyone anything . By this young man dressing this way , it shows me he is not really interested in a job or her either . I think maybe you need to put your foot down and tell them what is and is not acceptable and if he does not want to listen dont help him anymore and tell him he is on his own . I have washed my hands of this woman until she tows the line and starts to show me and other people respect . I dont answer her emails or her phone calls .
I used to see this all the time at the law firm I worked for. I had to literally SPELL OUT for our clients how to dress for court (no logo t-shirts, tank tops, blue jeans, open toed sandals, shorts, yada yada yada). We'd see everything from shorts and flip flops to Britney Spears (bare midriff and short short skirts). These weren't just kids, often adults too appeared like this. If a judge was in bad humor, he'd often send them home to change and THEN reschedule the hearing.
That's true. We were always scrambling to buy clothes that fit for funerals. It's hard to do even when you're not closely associated with the deceased, but it would be even harder when greiving. Could you imagine trying to shop for your children's close if your spouse died? Yeah, it would get done, but man that would be rough.
I've noticed that families that dress for church each week don't have this problem though.
I get what you're saying about kids outgrowing their clothes. Once or twice a year, DH would announce that his parents invited us to church because his father was preaching, and he promised we'd attend. He'd pull this on me at the last minute. The girls would then try on their "dressy" clothes and shoes, which were always outgrown. Then he'd say, "Find something of yours for them to wear." I was always thin, and the girls were chunky in adolescence, so that didn't work, either. Luckily, the 24-hour Walmart Super Center opened in our little town.
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