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Old 01-21-2011, 10:49 AM
 
852 posts, read 1,135,627 times
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And what about the other set of grandparents? What if they want a relationship with their grandchild?
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Old 01-21-2011, 11:00 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,325,866 times
Reputation: 32238
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
What I'm interpreting from this drama:

The pregnant 23-year-old is treating the male partner as a sperm donor.
The mother of the pregnant 23-year-old is treating the daughter as a brood mare.

I say - there's no point in bothering with this crew. They will do what they will do, and if you interfere they'll just add you to the list of people they can't stand. You will accomplish nothing, and you'll stress yourself out in the process.
This. Great post AnonChick.

The father has rights. He also has responsibilities. This whole scenario has the makings of being one big nightmare for everyone involved.

And who is going to suffer the most? The child. Five, ten years from now we'll be reading posts about how this child is acting up. Mom is on public assistance. (She's living at home? What happens if something happens to her parents?) The grandparents on the father's side want to have visitation. Custody battles. Mom will have a new boyfriend. He'll have kids. This is going to be one big mess. I feel sorry for that little, innocent soul.
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Old 01-21-2011, 11:14 AM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,504,080 times
Reputation: 10764
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
What I'm interpreting from this drama:

The pregnant 23-year-old is treating the male partner as a sperm donor.
The mother of the pregnant 23-year-old is treating the daughter as a brood mare.

I say - there's no point in bothering with this crew. They will do what they will do, and if you interfere they'll just add you to the list of people they can't stand. You will accomplish nothing, and you'll stress yourself out in the process.
The above is so true. If I were in the OP's position, I'd certainly tell the father if given a chance. If my family doesn't speak to me because of it, so be it. The crap they'd be pulling certainly wouldn't endear them to me.
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Old 01-21-2011, 01:26 PM
 
Location: In a house
13,258 posts, read 34,613,675 times
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I wouldn't tell the father. I wouldn't get involved at all. I'd distance myself as far as possible from the entire nightmare.
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Old 01-21-2011, 02:10 PM
 
852 posts, read 1,135,627 times
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AnonChick is right. I wouldn't go anywhere near this mess.
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Old 01-21-2011, 09:54 PM
 
Location: Back at home in western Washington!
1,500 posts, read 3,751,187 times
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I am not getting involved. Thank goodness we live 3 states away . I did drop the hint to my SIL (who is all sorts of involved in the drama) that the dad can demand a paternity test... and then stepped away. It really doesn't matter what I say anyway... they will all make the choices that they are happy with and damn everyone else .
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Old 01-21-2011, 10:07 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,620,437 times
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I wouldn't get involved either but I think you could do this: If you know this guy's name and hometown commit it to memory or write it down somewhere. Some time in the future your great neice or nephew might come to you with questions about paternity. With time the mother might even forget his name and other info. You might be the only link this child has to it's paternity.

Not saying to hold this over anybody's head but when the child becomes old enough to have questions, you may very well be the only person who can help. Maybe you could leave the info in a safety deposit box with instructions to your spouse or some other trusted person about what should be done with this info.

I say this because I had a friend years ago who actually forgot the name( or so she said) of her child's father. Maybe she just didn't want her child to know but it caused so much grief for this young adult.
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Old 01-22-2011, 08:02 AM
 
Location: In a house
13,258 posts, read 34,613,675 times
Reputation: 20198
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
I wouldn't get involved either but I think you could do this: If you know this guy's name and hometown commit it to memory or write it down somewhere. Some time in the future your great neice or nephew might come to you with questions about paternity. With time the mother might even forget his name and other info. You might be the only link this child has to it's paternity.

Not saying to hold this over anybody's head but when the child becomes old enough to have questions, you may very well be the only person who can help. Maybe you could leave the info in a safety deposit box with instructions to your spouse or some other trusted person about what should be done with this info.

I say this because I had a friend years ago who actually forgot the name( or so she said) of her child's father. Maybe she just didn't want her child to know but it caused so much grief for this young adult.
You know, this could be -crucial- if the new baby ever needs specialized emergency care - such as marrow transplants, a kidney, blood transfusions - a mother who -knows- who the father is, and -refuses- to document that information for her baby's sake, is neglecting her child's needs and putting her own selfishness ahead of any so-called love she claims to have for her child.

Definitely see if you can't just document the information and set it aside, in case it ever becomes medically necessary to know.

I'd rep kudzu but already did recently
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Old 01-22-2011, 08:53 AM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,504,080 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Not saying to hold this over anybody's head but when the child becomes old enough to have questions, you may very well be the only person who can help. Maybe you could leave the info in a safety deposit box with instructions to your spouse or some other trusted person about what should be done with this info.
Oh My... have I got a story for you!

About 33 years ago, my cousin married a guy against her mother's wishes, they were 21 at the time. Her mom was nut job, very domineering over her children (adults and minors), quick to fly off the handle, etc. Nuts. Anyway, cousin gets pregnant. A few months later, she's suddenly back home with mom, after not speaking for a few months.

Cousin never goes back to her husband. When baby is born, husband gets court order to allow him to see the baby in the hospital, much to cousin and mom's chagrin. That was the only time he saw his son.

Shortly afterward, they're divorced, he joins the army. On one of his leaves to go home, he commits suicide. His mother contacted my mom to let her know so she can give the news to my cousin. Cousin didn't really seem to care. She remarries before baby is born.

Anyway, as the baby (albert) grew up (he's now 32), my other aunt (who lives next to cousin and her mom) sees albert isn't treated quite nicely by mom, particularly when she re-married and had more kids. Also, Albert was never told his stepdad is not his bio dad. Albert picks up on the way he's treated vs the other kids.

Well, one day, cousin tells Albert that stepdad is not his dad, and once he turns 18 (he was 17 at the time), he needs to leave. Albert and family live where my sis and her daughter (my niece) live, and Albert goes to school with niece. We all knew this, but since we didn't know him, we could never try to contact him. One day, niece is talking to one of her friends at school who turns out to be Albert's girlfriend. GF relates the Albert's troubles to niece, and niece realizes who Albert is.

Niece comes RUNNING home to tell her mom. We compare notes about what we know about Albert's family, and it seems to be the same Albert. Niece calls her friend to tell her we are Albert's relatives and invite him to come meet with my mom to get his dad's history.

3 days later, he comes to my sister's house and meets my mom, sis, niece, and another sis. They tell him about his dad, his grandparents (what they could remember), uncles, aunt, and where his father was buried. On the advice of my mom, he managed to go thru his mom's paperwork and found his dad's SS#, divorce papers, etc. Made copies of all. He went to grandparents' last known address, but they had since moved.

Well, several months later, he goes to his dad's gravesite and carves his name, nickname, and his phone number into the stone. Several weeks later, he gets a phone call.... from his dad's mom!!!!! He's now got a family that cares about him and finally belongs somewhere. Just based on what we remember about his dad.

I had a few photos of his dad, and gave them to my mom when she met Albert that first time (I couldn't be there). So now Albert has those photos.

It just may pay off down the road to mentally file any information about a child's parent who is denied a relationship by the other parent, for only purely selfish reasons.
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Old 01-22-2011, 05:21 PM
 
1 posts, read 647 times
Reputation: 19
Do you want the sperm donors side?

I knew a girl from college. We were intimate with her telling me she had taken care of birth control. All of a sudden she disappeared and I heard nothing from her for about 2 years. Her phone was disconnected and letters went unanswered.

In the meantime I went on with life and was engaged to the lady who I would marry and stay married to hopefully till death. I get a call from the college girl telling me I may be a father. Afraid that might endanger my relationship ,I let the situation be. A couple more years and I get a letter that I have to be partnity tested. I think I was 3rd or 4th on the list. I tested just above the level to be called the father.

Now I retained a lawyer who worked out a support payment with the county. On the day it was to be finalised she had retained her own lawyer who was requesting 5 times the amount settled on. After another $1000 in legal fees the judge used the original amount. I was ordered to pay an additional $3000 in back support.

I was never offered visitation and frankly I was too bitter to ask. Over the years the only contact from the mother was to request money or complain if I happened to be late. One time after several years she did ask about visiting, after first complaining about money.

About a year ago I tried to contact the girl and her reply was all about money. She will be old enough soon that I will be done with support.

If I never see or hear from either of them again that is all I hope for.

They got what they wanted from me, genetic material and money.
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