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Old 01-26-2011, 05:33 AM
 
1,302 posts, read 1,529,398 times
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Mel, you are very sweet and you are also correct that we do not know the whole story.

I can only speak for myself, but if one time, just ONE single time I saw Marylee post anything that even resembled some form of love she has for her children I would change my tune.

There are many, many people who post about their difficult children. They are always accompanied by sadness, guilt, love and raw emotion. Hers are filled with childish insults and one-upsmanship with her children. They are most always hate filled and to be an onlooker without knowing the intimate details, it is scary. I have never seen a mother speak of her children the way she does.
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Old 01-26-2011, 09:41 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,653,945 times
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Fallingwater,

Thank you so much for your post. I very much appreciate the sharing of your perspective. Not only do I appreciate the work you've done, but I also appreciate the "burn-out" that some social workers must face. It's a tough job, one that would create the need to build emotional walls. You can't immediately jump to the conclusion that it's "just another out of control teen", "just another teen who needs meds", "just another angry parent who's trying to over-control their kid", "just another parent who never should have given birth to a child".

IMHO, one of the things that would make the job difficult, as far as having a child who is constantly call CPS, making up stories is this...Many of us who DID grow up in, sometimes abusive households, would NEVER have called CPS. Why? Because we truly WERE terrified of the repurcussions of our actions. If there is something terribly sinister in the household, what would be the guarantee that they'd remove you, not keep you in the home so that you'd be punished for calling for help!

I have several friends who work in social services. The greatest number of cases that turn out to be "valid", are households involving drug and or alcohol abuse. Parents who are so caught up in their own little worlds, they neglect their children horribly. They claim that, in those situations, it is outsiders who call for help for those children. According to my associates/friends, generally, if it's teens who are calling, and drug/alcohol is not a huge factor, it is a matter of teens who are "getting back" at their parents for working too much or placing restrictions on them that the teen deems unfair. Supposedly, this problem is getting more and more common. Parent's are trying to protect their children from getting into trouble by being with people they "shouldn't" be hanging around with, doing the things they should not be doing. In turn, many of these teens are backing their parents off by calling CPS or the police, making allegations against them, in order to create chaos in their parents' lives.

More and more, at least in my area, parents are being forced to use the "youth at risk" program to rein in their children. It means having to spend time at counselor's offices, monthly visits with judges, but it seems to be the only recourse left for some of these parents, whose children are bound and determined to do whatever they want, whenever they want and be damned what anyone else thinks. Ugh....I'm so glad I'm almost done raising mine! LOL Only one left...and I am exceedingly grateful that he is such a sweet natured, beautiful young man!!
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Old 01-26-2011, 10:05 AM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
12,172 posts, read 15,006,838 times
Reputation: 64014
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I have 2 kids, dd13, and ds14, both refuse to wear coats, although the weather has been quite cold lately, around 20's night, high 30's day. Also, my ds insists on wearing shorts in this weather.

Both kids have coats, they simply won't wear them. They insist on wearing those hoodies all the time. Ok, so wear what they want, if they get cold enough they will wear something more appropriate for the weather?

Problem is, I have an ongoing relationship with CPS. DS loves to call them every little thing, and they have been out here so much its ridiculous. Last time he called, he complained he didn't have clothes. what he meant was I refused to spend $$$ on designer stuff. he has plenty of plain, ordinary, regular clothes. But tell that to CPS, expecially when all they ever see the kid wear is the same old, wash-worn tee shirt and shorts, in the dead of winter.

Well, I can't run after him and stuff him into appropriate clothes, like some 2-year old. I keep copies of all receipts to show he has more than adequate clothing provided. what he choses to do with them is up to him. I've also told CPS I will not discuss anything with them again without a court order. I'm sick of them calling, showing up at my door, all in response to ds's calls (oh, they're called "outcries"). Every social worker who comes out here acts like she's here to save him from the evil mother. Meanwhile he continues to wander around dressed pathetically.

Ok, this is what I will do----he doesn't need shorts for at least a few months---get rid of them. the only choices he will have are long pants. But what about refusing to wear a coat? Ditch the hoodies, only thing he has is a coat. then he will probably wander around with no coat, just to attract attention.

I mean, its so bad, once police brought him home, he was out walking around in 30 degree weather with no coat, shorts, and flip flops. he told police I told him to go out that way---BS! I asked him to run to the store for me, I certainly didn't tell him to go half naked! But police called CPS, although I showed the CPS gal all the warm clothes he has hanging in his closet, she still wrote up a charge against us, still pending. Then later I realized many of the warm clothing is missing, I think ds throws it away when I'm not aware. How on earth to convince CPS he's the one "abusing" himself, not me. I buy clothes that fit, are appropriate for the weather, do a reasonable job of monitoring him, but I can't be expected to chase after a 14-year old kid (who, BTW, is 6 ft tall) and dress him like a baby!

DD won't wear anything other than a hoodie, either, but at least she wears long pants, gloves, boots, etc. I guess all I can do is what I'm doing. Also, perhaps I could leave a change of clothes at the school, long pants, long sleeved shirt, jacket, so if a teacher thinks he's not dressed "appropriately" they can just send him to the office to change, not call me in the middle of the day. Let them argue with him he wants to wear shorts in 30 degree weather, and tell them that's all he has, when he has a change right there in the office.
Marylee, it really sounds like you are fed up, and finished with him. Have you decided what your next step will be?
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Old 01-26-2011, 10:37 AM
 
15,287 posts, read 16,833,735 times
Reputation: 15019
Quote:
Originally Posted by okpondlady View Post
I am glad I don't have to live my life to please the posters here. I can tell you from personal experience counseling isn't all it is cracked up to be. It almost ruined my family and my children's lives by being committed to counseling.

1. Every time my daughter would tell the counselor something I got reported. Yes I know she is a mandatory reporter. I am talking about things like "We had bread and cheese for breakfast this morning" HOMEMADE bread and sliced cheese, toasted into an open face sandwich. She reported me at least 5 times before we stopped attending.


2. Our appointments had to be on the SAME DAY at the SAME TIME every week. My oldest almost failed 4th grade Language. The counselor wouldn't alternate the day/time at all. Yes I know routine is good, but there has to be limits.

Yes, it helped the kids some. More than anything else it just made them leery of telling people things. I guess that is a good thing but not really. Sometimes it is good for kids to have someone to talk to that they are not afraid will get mom/dad in trouble.


Being investigated by DHS isn't a determination of your parenting skills. In Oklahoma if you are reported NO MATTER WHAT they have to investigate you. It is the State Law they have to come to your house, they have to interview your kid. At school without your knowledge.

You better hope they aren't mad at you that morning. Is YOUR 13 yr old completely honest about what happens at your house? Would they consider making mischief? Has your kid ever told you "If you don't let me do ________ I will call DHS on you!!!!!" Mine has..and I handed her the phone and told her to do it. She did. I got a visit the next darn day. I guess I shouldn't have dared an 8 yr old huh? Yes she had problems. No they hadn't figured it out yet. And after we changed workers (the one had figured my daughter's reporting game out) the new one was the County Supervisor..who thought ALL parents were guilty, especially the men/fathers/husbands and she acted like we were freaking criminals.

Did you **** off your neighbor/ex-husband/ex-wife/mother-in-law... or anyone else? The Girl Scout Leader that got dismissed from our town reported me.... because she was mad at me. Yes, that earned me a visit. No nothing came of it....but it is still on my record. It is still a mark that says next time.. We will recommend counseling... blah blah blah.

To point 1 - seriously, bread and cheese for breakfast is nutritious and I do not believe that this is what the counselor reported you for. If it is true, then you have a legitimate complaint about the counselor and perhaps the admin at the school would need to be involved.

To point 2 - this was a school counselor, so I am sure that she did have to have a schedule for the appointments. Was there no alternative outside the school? DHS here would probably even pay for counselling or would provide their own outside of school hours. This should have been looked into if your dd was having trouble with the subjects she was being pulled from. Btw, why was dd who you say has no real problems in counselling? I thought it was your son who needed help.

To point 3 - You are correct that all reports must be investigated. However, if they are not founded, then it should be no big deal.

To point 4 - No, my kids have never told me they would call child protective services just because they did not get what they wanted. Neither have my grandchildren done this with their parents. No, you should not *dare* an 8 year old to do things. YOU are the parent, the adult. This is why many of us think that you need some counselling for yourself and some parenting help from an outside source.

Parenting help - there are many good programs that can help you to change your parenting. They may cost a bit of money depending on which program you think best.

Love and Logic has seminars (look in your own state). Some of these are online, but I think you may need the guidance of a real person.

Classes/Seminars

Parent Effectiveness Training is also available. These are the classes that taught Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish how to parent and their books are now favorites of those of us who believe in positive discipline (They wrote How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk)

Gordon Training International - P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training (http://www.gordontraining.com/parentingclass.html - broken link)

Conscious Parenting also has seminars

Conscious Parenting Seminars - What We Offer (http://consciousparentingseminars.com/Offerings.html - broken link)

Point 5 - You need help for yourself (and possibly your husband needs help too). Since you have been dealing with this for so long, you and he may have lost yourselves in the process of trying to help your kids. Try to get away once a week if you can to concentrate on *me time* and allow him to do the same. If you can do some couple time once every two weeks that can help too.

Good luck and take care of yourself as well as your kids.
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Old 01-26-2011, 02:33 PM
 
Location: WI
2,820 posts, read 3,062,694 times
Reputation: 4815
Quote:
Originally Posted by LeavingMassachusetts View Post
Mel, you are very sweet and you are also correct that we do not know the whole story.

I can only speak for myself, but if one time, just ONE single time I saw Marylee post anything that even resembled some form of love she has for her children I would change my tune.

There are many, many people who post about their difficult children. They are always accompanied by sadness, guilt, love and raw emotion. Hers are filled with childish insults and one-upsmanship with her children. They are most always hate filled and to be an onlooker without knowing the intimate details, it is scary. I have never seen a mother speak of her children the way she does.
I agree LM. However, now that Beachmel has given us some insight on what Marylee has done (or, said she has done) I do feel some sympathy for the mother. Some kids just cannot be fixed and it's sad.
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Old 01-26-2011, 04:19 PM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,730,432 times
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It snowed a tad last night and is 43 right now, and I just watched a kid get off the bus in shorts and a t-shirt.
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Old 01-26-2011, 04:41 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,325,866 times
Reputation: 32238
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
It snowed a tad last night and is 43 right now, and I just watched a kid get off the bus in shorts and a t-shirt.
There are days here that it is 115 and I see kids get off the bus in long black jeans and long-sleeved black shirts.
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Old 01-26-2011, 04:59 PM
 
2,251 posts, read 4,312,031 times
Reputation: 3709
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
No. Her son has serious mental health issues. I am not going to betray confidences here, except to say, there is far, far more to this story than the OP has confided in us here. So many posters here have been so horribly judgemental.
To be fair, people responded to the post that was put here. It's not fair to berate them for not knowing all the behind the scenes stuff that is going on. Of course it's none of our business and I would hope she would seek help rather than put out all of her laundry here, but if you know something that we don't then of course your perspective on the situation is very different.

I appreciate you pointing out that there is more to this.
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Old 01-26-2011, 05:35 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,325,866 times
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Beachmel, Thanks for your post. (I just read back over the thread.) Some of us (that would be me) need a slap in the face every once in a while to re-look at things and people's circumstances.

I, for one, will have that in my mind now when I read Marylee's posts. I'm glad you took the time to spell it out for us.
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Old 01-26-2011, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,653,945 times
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Dew & cleasach...thanks so much for your comments. To be honest with you, I've read (and went back and re-read) some of her previous posts, to see if there were really bad things that she had said previously. Honestly, I didn't see anything but frustration from someone who was trying to be a decent mother..someone who was frustrated with her kids. There was too much underlying pain and you know, just too much that wasn't being said.

To be truthful, years ago when I was going through the really tough times with my son...I'd make little comments, but I simply could NOT go into details about his behaviors. I had seen kids turn into these rebellious, kids who belonged to other people and had thought, "Well, look how you've raised them! Look at the things you've done in front of them their whole lives! Look at dishonesty you've done, nasty immoral acts you've committed. You're the one who has set the example and now you're crying because your kid is out of control!" I was so judgemental you guys. I look back at myself and just CRINGE in shame at how judgemental I was to people.

I didn't want to share all the horror stories of how my son was behaving, because I was so afraid that I would be judged the way I had judged others. There were a few people out there whom I did confide in....my fears, my frustrations. Most of these people could not believe it! To make things worse, my son had told so many lies already, who were these parents to believe? Him, or me? Him or my other kids? Another terrible thing? A couple of years later, after some of the drama with my son died down, several of these "judgemental" parents came to me and apologized for their behavior. Their kids were also running rampant over them, doing many of the same things that my son had done...terrorizing their families. Like me,they were trying desperately to do the right things and they just weren't working! That horrible time in my life caused me to realize, more than ever to, "Judge not, lest ye be judged". Those horrid times showed me that sometimes, we need to take things people say at face value...to just listen, to not be trying to assign blame or find excuses for why things happen. Sometimes,they just do. Sometimes, kids just go "bad".

There were just too many underlying emotions in M's posts and it made my heart hurt...I had to find out what was really going on. I'm so glad I did. Even if I hadn't though, going back to the first post in this thread and couldn't find anything horrible...just the frustrations of a mother who has had a long standing battle with a very troubled young man. Again, she loves her kids so very much...and has tried everything...is doing all the right things....and none of them are working. This really is a situation where the system is failing. They are falling for a child's manipulation tactics. Remember, she's new to the area...and they don't know him yet. Please keep them in your prayers and please, don't make the same mistake I did....don't judge...please.....don't judge, lest you find yourself in the same situation...no one believing you, no one actually helping you, but rather, blaming you. It's horrible.

I thank the Lord every day for the fact that my caseworkers throughout my ordeal DID see what was going on. They put blame where blame was due. They actually ARMED me with information that I needed to handle the situation and to prepare me in case any of my other kids tried the same moves. None of them have...I have great kids, who have all been raised with so much love and parents who have worked very hard to give them a good home, as well as trying to give them some responsibilities. Sometimes y'all, something's just not quite right...and things can just get so horrible, so fast, and you don't even know why. If there's really anything to "Karma", I pray that each of us walk away from this thread wiser...and so much less judgemental. You are all truly wonderful people here, and have shown your loving hearts many times...especially when you have a few more facts! Thank you all for being so great!
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