U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 01-29-2011, 01:46 PM
 
131 posts, read 147,984 times
Reputation: 234

Advertisements

Honestly, it's normal. Stop worrying about it. She's not going to feel like this forever. There's no reason to abuse your power and dole out punishments. I mean, you can tell her that she should be outside when you get there so that you don't have to wait. And if she doesn't come out in a reasonable amount of time, go in and find her! But I don't see the need to punish her for a normal brain development. She's overwhelmed by this embarrassment, so she reacted a little strongly. Tell her it hurt your feelings... or better yet, try to brush it off and remember that it's not YOU she's embarrassed by, it's the fact that she's being seen with a parental figure.

You seem to be over-analyzing yourself and trying to figure out what you did to embarrass her. The truth is, you did nothing. It's just the way her brain is functioning right now. I'm sure that 4000 years ago, 11-year-old girls were embarrassed by their mothers.

Also, the parents chaperoning as punishment? It seems spiteful. Not that there's anything wrong with chaperoning, but if she really doesn't want you to that badly, why do it? And I certainly wouldn't tell her she can't go to the dance. She was just reacting to a strong emotion that's still fairly new to her. Give her a little wiggle room.
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-29-2011, 04:48 PM
 
4,502 posts, read 11,664,230 times
Reputation: 4039
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaMc46 View Post
. The only reason my daughter is afraid I'll blend in with the middle school kids is my size. I'm just 5'1" and 105 pounds and most of her classmates are taller and more curvey.

Honestly? I think you're projecting this onto your daughter. There's no way, no how an 11 year old would think their "old" mother would "blend in" with a bunch of 11 and 12 year olds. No way. What makes you honestly think you could "blend in" with preteen (or even teen) children.

I don't care if you're 5'1" and 105 lbs. My 12 year old is 5'5" and 100lbs. She blends in with 11 and 12 year olds. A 30+ or 40+ or even a 20+ year old WOMAN would NOT "blend in" with a bunch of kids. I don't care what you're wearing, how short you are, how small your boobs are, or anything else. Get over it. You're not a child. You don't "blend in" with children. I have to say that the fact that you keep bringing it up is a bit creepy.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-29-2011, 05:32 PM
 
Location: NC
1,696 posts, read 3,846,636 times
Reputation: 1852
Quote:
Originally Posted by omigawd View Post
Honestly? I think you're projecting this onto your daughter. There's no way, no how an 11 year old would think their "old" mother would "blend in" with a bunch of 11 and 12 year olds. No way. What makes you honestly think you could "blend in" with preteen (or even teen) children.

I don't care if you're 5'1" and 105 lbs. My 12 year old is 5'5" and 100lbs. She blends in with 11 and 12 year olds. A 30+ or 40+ or even a 20+ year old WOMAN would NOT "blend in" with a bunch of kids. I don't care what you're wearing, how short you are, how small your boobs are, or anything else. Get over it. You're not a child. You don't "blend in" with children. I have to say that the fact that you keep bringing it up is a bit creepy.

as someone who IS 5'1 and 110 pounds... i agree wholeheartedly! LOL I might look younger than my 33 years, but certainly no where CLOSE to pre teen (or even teen) age!

my daughters friends like some of my clothes. thats about it! LOL
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2011, 01:57 PM
 
4,502 posts, read 11,664,230 times
Reputation: 4039
Okay.... it happened today in WalMart. I was there picking up a few things and, as I was going down and aisle, there was a dad (big guy). Alongside him were (what I thought) his kids. One of the kids was pushing the cart --- she looked about 14 from the back and 2 were on one side of the cart and the little one was standing on the front, holding on. Well, the "14 year old" turned out to be his wife. From the back, I would think she was a kid --- short, small, pony tail, parka jacket. Well, the minute she turned her head to the side, I could see she was easily 35-40 years old. And that was only from seeing the SIDE of her face. I didn't get a good, face-on look at her, but just seeing her from the side proved my point regarding what I said above.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2011, 03:07 PM
 
1,135 posts, read 1,983,895 times
Reputation: 1478
Quote:
Originally Posted by omigawd View Post
Honestly? I think you're projecting this onto your daughter. There's no way, no how an 11 year old would think their "old" mother would "blend in" with a bunch of 11 and 12 year olds. No way. What makes you honestly think you could "blend in" with preteen (or even teen) children.

I don't care if you're 5'1" and 105 lbs. My 12 year old is 5'5" and 100lbs. She blends in with 11 and 12 year olds. A 30+ or 40+ or even a 20+ year old WOMAN would NOT "blend in" with a bunch of kids. I don't care what you're wearing, how short you are, how small your boobs are, or anything else. Get over it. You're not a child. You don't "blend in" with children. I have to say that the fact that you keep bringing it up is a bit creepy.
She said this, not me. I'm sure it's based on my size and not on my face or the way I dress. I do look young for my age, but not 12 or even 21 (based on the fact that I can buy a bottle of wine at the supermarket without getting proofed).

Maybe she meant it. Maybe she's embarrassed b/c I'm short. Maybe it's just an excuse to keep from chaperoning her dance. I have no way of knowing what's going on in her mind.

In any case, the reason for my original post was that I was feeling hurt by her comment and wanted to know if other parents had experienced similar comments from their tweens. Based on the feedback so far, it seems like it's normal for kids to be embarrassedby their parents, but out of line for them to make rude, hurtful comments. That has been reassuring.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2011, 03:21 PM
 
4,502 posts, read 11,664,230 times
Reputation: 4039
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaMc46 View Post
In any case, the reason for my original post was that I was feeling hurt by her comment and wanted to know if other parents had experienced similar comments from their tweens. Based on the feedback so far, it seems like it's normal for kids to be embarrassedby their parents, but out of line for them to make rude, hurtful comments. That has been reassuring.

Don't you remember when you were that age?? Weren't you even slightly embarassed by your parents or other older relatives? It's just a normal part of them growing up and trying to find their space in this world.

What your daughter said to you was totally out of line and she should get a consequence for it. I mean, to say "I don't know you" and keep on walking??? I wouldn't let that slide.

I'm sure in the long run, things will work out for you and your daughter. For now, however, you MUST teach her to respect you and your feelings. Ask her how she would feel if you did that to her? Make her understand that she hurt your feelings, she disrespected you, and you are not going to tolerate it.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2011, 10:09 PM
 
2,514 posts, read 5,168,159 times
Reputation: 3482
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
People say things like this a lot and I never really understood this. My 11 year old has a brother in 9th grade and another in 11th grade. He is around high school kids all the time. What do you fear from social interaction between middle/high school kids at a church social function? Don't you want your middle school kids to be around kids a little older who can be good role models?

What do you think the HS kids are going to do, whip out the liquor and start having sex in front of the younger kids? Most teens who go on youth group social trips are good kids who will provide a positive role model to the younger ones.

Would you disapprove of a HS kid coaching your young athlete or a HS kid helping out the middle school music teacher with the younger kids? I think my 11 year old has a crush on the HS bass player who helps the middle school bass players with their music.

I think parents should be careful about totally isolating their middle school kids from older kids. I'll bet that most of the older kids at the roller rink would have told the OPs daughter to be nicer to her mom. I have certainly heard my older son tell his youth football players (11-12 year olds) to be more respectful of their parents when he has heard them mouth off......

Just some stuff to think about.
There are good role models and bad ones. Just because it's a church activity doesn't mean anything. I'm not talking about isolating from older children, but each age group s/b able to look forward to a new stage in life w/o the younger ones getting to do everything w/ them. There is peer pressure and a maturity level tweens aren't ready for or don't need to be subjected to.

Enough about this. I was totally OT to even bring this up. It obviously isn't an issue w/ the OP. I have nothing more to say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80 View Post
The likely hood of abduction is very slim...and actually less than it was 30 years ago. And according to my ex husband, that it's more likely for a child to be abducted walking home by themselves then in the method you described.
The likelyhood of abduction is hardly slim. You tell that to the number of parents whose children are still missing. We don't have to live in a bubble, but we can take safety measures.

Again, I was OT about this. If OP has no problem w/ it, all I can say is I suggested her child stay inside the building.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-31-2011, 07:30 AM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,292 posts, read 50,539,435 times
Reputation: 60199
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaMc46 View Post
I have an 11-year-old daughter and lately she's hurt my feelings by telling me that I embarrass her.

Last weekend she went to "teen night" at our local ice rink. They serve pizza and play music and a lot of the local middle and high-school students go to hang out with their friends. Our church youth group takes kids from our church and parents pick them up.

I told her I'd pick her up at 9:30, but when I arrived she wasn't waiting outside for me. I called her on her cell phone, but there was no service inside the rink so I went inside to find her.

Once inside I saw one of the church youth leaders and she offered to find my daughter. As soon as my daughter saw me she said, "I don't know you," and walked past me. I followed her to the lobby where the kids change out of their skates and she told me to go away because I was "embarrassing" her. When she got into the car she started complaining and asking why I had to go inside the rink.

Tomorrow is a school dance and the principal is looking for parent chaperones. She didn't give me the sign-up sheet they sent home. Instead, my husband saw it on the school website. When he mentioned that one of us would like to chaperone she threw a fit. Then she said that if we had to chaperone, he should do it because he is less embarrassing.

Is it normal for tweens to behave like this? I don't do anything to embarrass my kids. I'm soft-spoken, definitely not the type to talk loudly to her friends or make inappropriate jokes. I take care of myself physically, dress fashionably yet appropriately for my age, etc.

The only thing I can think of is that she's complained that I blend in with the kids at the middle school when I come to school functions because I'm short and thin, and look much younger than my age. But, these aren't characteristics I can change. Besides, is being short and thin any worse than being an overweight or obese parent, or a parent that looks older than her age?

Can any parents of tweens or teens share similar experiences or offer advice on how to effectively communicate with my daughter when she's accusing me of being embarrassing? Thanks.
It's perfectly normal, and it's nothing you do or how you look. It's just that you exist.

My daughter started out in a program that gave an extra year of school (sort of like an extra half-year of kindergarten/half-year of first grade between K and 1st) but then she jumped ahead and went directly into second while most of her friends stayed in first grade. Thereafter, she always had a conflict between her same-grade friends and the friends a year behind, whom she knew first.

So, when she was around 12, I took her up to the town festival day they have every year, where she was about to meet a group of her friends from the grade behind. As we approached the field, she spied a group of girls from her grade and slowed down. I'd spoken to her about being true to her friends, whichever group she was hanging with, and so I said, "Are you embarrassed because your 7th grade friends are going to see you hanging out with your 6th grade friends...?" She said, "NO, I am embarrassed because I don't want them to see me with YOU. NOBODY hangs out with their MOTHER!"

I just laughed and went off to find some of MY friends!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-19-2013, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Charlotte county, Florida
4,105 posts, read 4,996,524 times
Reputation: 11839
I'm 42 and my Mother still embarrasses me..
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-19-2013, 08:20 AM
 
Location: Las Flores, Orange County, CA
26,346 posts, read 80,791,509 times
Reputation: 17412
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaMc46 View Post
I have an 11-year-old daughter and lately she's hurt my feelings by telling me that I embarrass her.

Last weekend she went to "teen night" at our local ice rink. They serve pizza and play music and a lot of the local middle and high-school students go to hang out with their friends. Our church youth group takes kids from our church and parents pick them up.

I told her I'd pick her up at 9:30, but when I arrived she wasn't waiting outside for me. I called her on her cell phone, but there was no service inside the rink so I went inside to find her.

Once inside I saw one of the church youth leaders and she offered to find my daughter. As soon as my daughter saw me she said, "I don't know you," and walked past me. I followed her to the lobby where the kids change out of their skates and she told me to go away because I was "embarrassing" her. When she got into the car she started complaining and asking why I had to go inside the rink.

Tomorrow is a school dance and the principal is looking for parent chaperones. She didn't give me the sign-up sheet they sent home. Instead, my husband saw it on the school website. When he mentioned that one of us would like to chaperone she threw a fit. Then she said that if we had to chaperone, he should do it because he is less embarrassing.

Is it normal for tweens to behave like this? I don't do anything to embarrass my kids. I'm soft-spoken, definitely not the type to talk loudly to her friends or make inappropriate jokes. I take care of myself physically, dress fashionably yet appropriately for my age, etc.

The only thing I can think of is that she's complained that I blend in with the kids at the middle school when I come to school functions because I'm short and thin, and look much younger than my age. But, these aren't characteristics I can change. Besides, is being short and thin any worse than being an overweight or obese parent, or a parent that looks older than her age?

Can any parents of tweens or teens share similar experiences or offer advice on how to effectively communicate with my daughter when she's accusing me of being embarrassing? Thanks.

I don't know if it is normal (I don't have any data).
I do know that my kids complain I embarrass them. I have four girls 13, 11, 9, and 5. But, I do crack dumb jokes - probably more than the other parents do so they may have legitimate complaints.

Sometimes I do it on purpose too. For example, when my 11 year old is hanging out with her peers in the front yard, I might yell out the window, "Abby, You wanted me to let you know when Barney is on and it is on now".
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top