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Old 02-01-2011, 11:46 AM
 
Location: West Orange, NJ
12,542 posts, read 17,729,057 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
I came back to this thread because it is hitting a little close to home. My sister-in-law is currently engaged and was supposed to be married this March after a two year engagement. They have now pushed the wedding back to October. The issue is money.

My in-laws gave my wife and I the money for our wedding, because they had saved a set amount for each daughter and my wife never tapped hers. She paid for her own car, school, etc. My sister-in-law knew what the deal was but instead chose to have her parents pay for school that she never finished and bail her out of some massive credit card debt. The entire time, they told her that this would be it.

Her fiancee's family is an odd situation as well as the recently deceased grandmother had given lavish gifts to his brother when she was alive. Now that she is dead the estate was divided and he won't be getting a similar chunk of money and is quite resentful over it.

So, it has been left to them to pay for the wedding. The issue is they seem to be insisting on having an extravaganza when all they can really afford is punch in the church basement. They had a guest list of over 250 people. The irony is that it is mainly her fiancee who keeps pushing for the big wedding despite having no way to pay for it. At this point the question of what is more important the marriage or the wedding is really starting to put some pressure on their relationship.

The problem I have here is that they are both strutting around and complaining as if they are ENTITLED to have the wedding of their dreams despite knowing what the circumstances are. They keep delaying actually planning anything which IMO is simply a ploy to see if they wait it out long enough they will somehow have $30k dropped in their lap for a wedding.
are they in NJ also? you can have a pretty extravagant wedding if you drive an hour or two to parts of PA, at nearly half the cost of a similar wedding in NJ. lol. 250 guests is not that crazy i think. I ended up inviting 220, 170 showed up.
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:03 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bradykp View Post
are they in NJ also? you can have a pretty extravagant wedding if you drive an hour or two to parts of PA, at nearly half the cost of a similar wedding in NJ. lol. 250 guests is not that crazy i think. I ended up inviting 220, 170 showed up.
There's a lot more going on with them than the just the wedding, but it would be way OT and I really don't feel right posting ALL their business on the interwebs. Let's just say neither family really wants this to happen and really question the choices they are making. They really are like two kids despite what the ages on their drivers license states.

I personally think you should invite whomever you want to your wedding as long as you are willing to foot the bill. However, their pocketbook will be lucky if it can pay for a bottle of Asti Spumanti for a toast, let alone even a half-priced wedding for 250 people. They seem to feel like they are entitled to that kind of wedding despite not being able to pay for any of it.

Even more frustrating has been my wife and her family constantly offering suggestions (and even offering to help pay for some of it) on things they could do to have an affordable yet classy reception for say 30-40 people and them constantly rejecting them insisting on wanting a larger affair.
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
There's a lot more going on with them than the just the wedding, but it would be way OT and I really don't feel right posting ALL their business on the interwebs. Let's just say neither family really wants this to happen and really question the choices they are making. They really are like two kids despite what the ages on their drivers license states.

I personally think you should invite whomever you want to your wedding as long as you are willing to foot the bill. However, their pocketbook will be lucky if it can pay for a bottle of Asti Spumanti for a toast, let alone even a half-priced wedding for 250 people. They seem to feel like they are entitled to that kind of wedding despite not being able to pay for any of it.

Even more frustrating has been my wife and her family constantly offering suggestions (and even offering to help pay for some of it) on things they could do to have an affordable yet classy reception for say 30-40 people and them constantly rejecting them insisting on wanting a larger affair.
Hmmm. I don't know your family, obviously, NJGOAT, but I have a theory about this. I have a sneaking suspicion that a couple that want to spend a huge amount of money they don't have on a wedding are overcompensating for problems in their relationship. Most people who are truly in love and want to get married are content and happy to do so in any form, be it the church basement or a Chinese restaurant.

This may not be the case with your relatives. But it sets off my radar when a couple will not get married at all unless they can throw the whole shebang, it's almost like the wedding is more of a priority than actually being married.
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:21 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,325,866 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
Hmmm. I don't know your family, obviously, NJGOAT, but I have a theory about this. I have a sneaking suspicion that a couple that want to spend a huge amount of money they don't have on a wedding are overcompensating for problems in their relationship. Most people who are truly in love and want to get married are content and happy to do so in any form, be it the church basement or a Chinese restaurant.

This may not be the case with your relatives. But it sets off my radar when a couple will not get married at all unless they can throw the whole shebang, it's almost like the wedding is more of a priority than actually being married.

Exactly what I was thinking, Finster! I read the post and thought, "I'll give 'em two years. Max."
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Old 02-01-2011, 12:28 PM
 
14,777 posts, read 34,498,385 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
Hmmm. I don't know your family, obviously, NJGOAT, but I have a theory about this. I have a sneaking suspicion that a couple that want to spend a huge amount of money they don't have on a wedding are overcompensating for problems in their relationship. Most people who are truly in love and want to get married are content and happy to do so in any form, be it the church basement or a Chinese restaurant.

This may not be the case with your relatives. But it sets off my radar when a couple will not get married at all unless they can throw the whole shebang, it's almost like the wedding is more of a priority than actually being married.
I share the same opinion as you do on this matter, so good insight there. My wife is also feeling the same way and my in-laws are slowly coming around to this conclusion as well. The issue for my in-laws is that they could pay for a wedding by dipping into retirement or taking out a loan, but they have stood fast to their belief that they have already given her the nest egg they saved for her and she chose to use it for other things.

My wife and I were married twice. The first time was just a quiet ceremony with the two of us. We came back and said, hey we're married. Our families wanted to celebrate it, which led to our second wedding which was just a blessing in the church of the first (we even went to pre-cannae, lol), but looked like a traditional wedding. I just remember when we decided we were going to get married, that the type of wedding we were going to have never crossed our minds, it was about pledging our life to each other.

I look at my sister-in-law and her fiancee and the real aspects of marriage never cross their minds, it is all about a big party where they get to be the center of attention. It just makes it very hard for me to be happy and supportive of something I see as a sham. Doubly so when my wife is the matron of honor and I will be spending a good chunk of change on this affair.
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Old 02-02-2011, 01:08 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,302 posts, read 3,755,085 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shellsandwater View Post
My daughter will marry soon. We are the typical middle class family. I am single with no job and am living off my savings. Father has not helped with the wedding cost so I have given them $1000.00 to help with the wedding letting them know this is part of their wedding gift. I also bought her wedding dress which was only $300.00. Wondering how much more money should I give as a wedding gift? Please let me know what you would do if you were me not knowing when I might find job. Thank you
In todays world to me it is up to you. Today in my opinion you do not have to follow old traditions. Your daughter did not ask you permission to get married, did she? Did her fiance asked for her hand? If so, had you said no would he not marry her?
So we told hour daughters that when they get married THEY are responsible for their expenses. Granted we helped them but they were very aware we did not feel any type of responsiblity for their wedding and they were fine with it. So in my opinion you owe your daughter nothing. You raised her and took care of her. You give her whatever YOU think comes from your heart in helping with her wedding. In yesteryears a wedding was two families event. Now, it does not seem that way. The couples today seem to think it is their affair and do it also seems they conventiently expect parents to help in areas they want so I believe this goes both ways, take care.
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Old 02-02-2011, 01:21 PM
 
10,630 posts, read 22,748,468 times
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I can understand not wanting to limit guests, but sometimes if you want the huge wedding you've got to to for the cheaper alternative affordable wedding! You can go with a fancier deal with fewer people, or invite everyone and have a cake reception at the church or an affordable venue. Or have a picnic in the park. Or whatever else is necessary to trim down the budget. It won't be any less meaningful of a wedding, and people will still have a great time even if it isn't a sit-down Saturday night dinner reception. The important thing is the marriage, although it is nice to be surrounded by friends and family. That doesn't mean it has to be done extravagantly, though, especially if the money just isn't there!
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Old 02-02-2011, 01:33 PM
 
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You have done more than enough. I got married at a justice of the peace, my Mom never even showed up for my wedding.
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:28 PM
 
Location: California
29,580 posts, read 31,907,081 times
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I wouldn't think the mother of the bride need to worry about a GIFT if she is helping to pay for the wedding and the dress. I know I wouldn't. I told my daughter I wouldn't be insulted if she eloped. If she did that then I'd get her a gift.
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Old 02-06-2011, 12:30 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,699,632 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shellsandwater View Post
My daughter will marry soon. We are the typical middle class family. I am single with no job and am living off my savings. Father has not helped with the wedding cost so I have given them $1000.00 to help with the wedding letting them know this is part of their wedding gift. I also bought her wedding dress which was only $300.00. Wondering how much more money should I give as a wedding gift? Please let me know what you would do if you were me not knowing when I might find job. Thank you
There are no rules at all on what you should give. You can give $0 or give your entire savings - it's all only up to you.

And I don't think expensive weddings lead to more successful marriages than very inexpensive ones.

Some weddings I've been to were real cheap - a church hall instead of expensive restaurant or country club. The mothers and other relatives gave time and prepared meatballs or sandwiches to save a lot of money.
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