Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My rules apply no matter where he is at, not just at home, but at school. One is being honest, another is be respectful to his elders, including teachers. Since he does not own his own IPOD since he broke his. I told him not to borrow one to use at school because they are expensive. And I don't want to repay for another IPOD he may break.
I have offered many around the house jobs to earn money for another. But he appears to be too lazy to work for one. If he can save for half the cost, I would be glad to give him the other half as a gift.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nana053
Well, he is 16, so the rules should be ones that are reasonable for a teenage boy.
What are these rules that are *yours* that he is breaking at school? Why are the teachers playing tattletale? The school should only have to deal with school rules, not home rules. If he is breaking school rules, shouldn't these be dealt with by the school and the teachers?
Did the IPOD get taken away? The teachers should be dealing with that and taking it if it is not allowed in class. If you have a first name, perhaps you can find out who the ipod belongs to and make sure it gets back to them.
No, you should not give up and be lenient. He needs structure. However, you need to make the structure relevant to both him and your home. I would not have *heated* conversations on the rules. He needs to learn to trust that your discipline will be consistent and fair. Get Positive Discipline for Teens by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott or From Defiance to Cooperation by John F. Taylor for solutions that should help.
I am agreement with that. I don't know if right now he is capable of telling us the truth. His survivial mechanism is to do what he has to do to survive.
My theory going into this was to give him the best home he has ever had, in hopes that he would not do anything to jeopardize his stay with us. Right now I just don't know if he is capable of breaking old habits.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kansas sky
If he's been in the system long, he's probably learned that he needs to steal and lie in order to survive. It will likely take a lot longer than 9 months for him to truly believe that those coping mechanisms aren't necessary with you. I second the recommendation to talk to his social worker.
I wouldn't consider the teacher calling the guardian (foster parent in this instance) to discuss an ongoing discipline issue to be tattling. Ideally, there should be open communication between school and home so that all adults and support people this young man's life are on the same page. Having worked with many such kids, if communication is not frequent and transparent, neither side has a true picture of what is occurring and issues can spiral out of control when they might have been nipped in the bud if interventions had been done sooner. Otherwise a stolen iPod turns into something larger, something to get him into graver trouble. The young man needs to know that you will be communicating daily with his teachers, that everyone will be actively involved in caring for him.
I do agree that the school should handle incidents that occur during school hours, but whatever consequences they can mete out will have a more lasting impact if there is support from and communication with home. The boy needs to know everyone is on the same page rather than be given loopholes to exploit. Consistency is key. Yes, let the school know that you believe the iPod to be stolen. Ask if another student has reported one missing and give any information you have. Ask that it be confiscated if they see it again.
Yes, he is unlearning bad patterns. He's also testing you. It's pretty common that after a period of terror where these kids try to be on their best behavior, issues start to come up. It takes a lot of patience. As he learns how you react when he tells you the truth, eventually (could be a long eventually) he will learn that he doesn't have to fear what you will do to him.
I am agreement with that. I don't know if right now he is capable of telling us the truth. His survivial mechanism is to do what he has to do to survive.
My theory going into this was to give him the best home he has ever had, in hopes that he would not do anything to jeopardize his stay with us. Right now I just don't know if he is capable of breaking old habits.
Don't assume that since he is in a great home he will not jeopardize things. I don't know his history, but he may be testing and pushing you away, because he would rather reject than be rejected. Also, people tend to create environments and situations that are familiar to them even if they are awful. He may be used to tension and uncertainty so a "nice home" may feel foreign and threateningl. Again, speak with a professional, ie. the social worker.
Should we just give up on him, or be lenient on him since he is a foster child and structure is something that is foreign to him. Or stand our ground on our rules knowing we will continue to have these sometimes heated conversations about rules?
No. No. Yes.
Nobody deserves to have their parents give up on them but being lenient won't help him out, either. Stand your ground. I'm a foster parent of two little ones. My wife and I don't face the same issues you do, but it is a challenge none the less. Thank you for sacrificing and investing your lives into this young man.
It's likely all of his previous foster parents took the money they received and spent it on themselvse.
As a foster parent, I find this statement insulting. Just like in every other social grouping there is a broad spectrum of behavior. Some are better than others. To paint with such a broad brush is offensive.
As a former Foster Parent who adopted from foster care, I can tell you the money I got from the state was less then the cost to raise a child. Everything I spend/get goes into quicken. I can actually run reports from it. The $'s I got from state was far less the what I spent to Foster my foster kids, I have only foster older boys in the 9-15 range. Its a hard age to do, you have to get them to unlearn, and trust, to undo years of abuse. When (and its after the 6 month time frame) they start to feel safe in your home. They get worried that you will kick them out. A defense mechanism in them says reject them so (and do things that will get you kicked out) so they can't hurt me when they reject me. It what there life has been mostly been. But you need to stay firm and love him. Also don't totally ground him, Find thing for him to do to keep him busy, A part-time job? sports, volunteer.
I don't think Hopes has a clear picture of what a foster parent's responsibilities are and especially is critical of foster parents in general if she thinks they take money for themselves instead of for the child. I guess some might but we know that most foster parents go deep into their own pockets to get the things the kids need.
We had to take a 3 month course to be foster parents. it covcered a great deal of possible issues which kids present with and situations they may get into.
I WOULD HAVE A LONG FACE TO FACE TALK WITH YOUR SOCIAL WORKER TO EXPLAIN SOME OF THE PROBLEMS AND INCLUDE THE TEACHERS IF POSSIBLE. FOSTER PARENTS AND TEACHERS SHOULD WORK IN TANDEM TO GIVE THE KID THE BEST POSSIBLE CHANCE.
It is very likely this kid has had too many folks give up on him already and he might be doing his best to protect himself from getting attached. It won't be easy but I'm sure you can get some good advice from a professional social worker with foster kid/parent issues. Good luck.
First of all let me praise you and your wife for doing this. It take people with a big heart to open their homes to children with these types of problems. These did not have the life they should have at a loving home.
I am a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) volunteer and I have had cases with kids this age. My hat is off to foster parents that get kids this age as in your case.
My tips are these:
1. You have kids of your own. I do not know their ages but I suggest you and your wife sit down to make sure they realize this kids was brought up differently than they are. He did not have the loving home they have so he needs to have some special attention. Let them know at times he may get away with things they do not. He requires some type of special attention and care.
2. From what you have described he is not destructive. In this case you still need to set up home rules. He will need to know you care for him by making sure you not only talk with him about what he does bad but what good he does. If you find thing like the iPod then confiscate them and find out who owns it and return it to the owner. He needs to see there is someone caring for him even though he may not like your actions. As long as he is not destructive you may have to punish him but if you go too far he may simply leave the home. So the question is this, do you think you can be more lenient so he does not leave the house? He may get hurt worse if he leave the house if your punishment and discipline is to harsh. He is not one to threaten anymore. To say the least you make sure you and your family are safe and his actions do not affect your family. Do look into his room to see what is there that may be suspicious. Let him know you need to make sure he and your family is safe. Let him know you have to have thosse measures because he has demonstrated he has lied to you. I am not saying to let him get away with this but maybe instead of leniency I should say more patient. The leniency you use should show him you note the things he does, you take action, and let him know you still care for him. Do this so he see he can't just get away with things.
What does this do. Your kids will see why you treat him differently with more patience and do not see you are just showing favoritism over them. They will also see they cannot do the same things and get away with it.
However, the moment you feel he is destructive to the family and there is potential harm to them, sorry but you may have to let him go. You have it in your conscience you did your best. Some kids are simply beyond help at some point. The system does not help in many cases also. CPS people at times are not much help either because they may be so overloaded with so many cases so they cannot be the help you wish they were.
This is all I can say. I wish this was of some help, take care.
How awesome of you to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) volunteer. KUDOS TO YOU!!!
I don't think Hopes has a clear picture of what a foster parent's responsibilities are and especially is critical of foster parents in general if she thinks they take money for themselves instead of for the child. I guess some might but we know that most foster parents go deep into their own pockets to get the things the kids need.
We had to take a 3 month course to be foster parents. it covcered a great deal of possible issues which kids present with and situations they may get into.
I WOULD HAVE A LONG FACE TO FACE TALK WITH YOUR SOCIAL WORKER TO EXPLAIN SOME OF THE PROBLEMS AND INCLUDE THE TEACHERS IF POSSIBLE. FOSTER PARENTS AND TEACHERS SHOULD WORK IN TANDEM TO GIVE THE KID THE BEST POSSIBLE CHANCE.
It is very likely this kid has had too many folks give up on him already and he might be doing his best to protect himself from getting attached. It won't be easy but I'm sure you can get some good advice from a professional social worker with foster kid/parent issues. Good luck.
My cousin and her husband were foster parents for 9 years. They stopped because of an issue with a little boy that had been in her home too long. Most children who had been through her home, and their parents/guardians, kept in touch with her long after they'd left the program. At Christmas, their home was always filled to capacity (and then some) with children and their families.
Like in anything else, there are bad people in this world. Millions of foster parents are doing this for altruistic reasons - horrible people (and their crimes) make news. You won't see my cousin on the news, being praised for doing the right thing, day after day, but if a foster parent is caught doing wrong, it's a huge news story.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
