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After reading a resurrected post in which the OP had lost her mother at a very young age and was now a mother herself, she talked about how much she missed not having a mother to offer advice and to talk to. This made me wonder, for those of you who had a mother around when you became a parent, how much help or how much advice did your Mom give you? What was the most valuable advice you received?
After reading a resurrected post in which the OP had lost her mother at a very young age and was now a mother herself, she talked about how much she missed not having a mother to offer advice and to talk to. This made me wonder, for those of you who had a mother around when you became a parent, how much help or how much advice did your Mom give you? What was the most valuable advice you received?
My mom is very skilled at giving advice without being "bossy." She tends to preface advice with "In my experience..." or "It may be different now....," which I super appreciate because it feels validating rather than judgmental. (My in-laws, well, that's another story! )
The most useful thing my mom has said and still says to me is that when parents are going through a difficult stage with the little ones (be it sleep problems, tantrums, whatever) it feels like the problem is going to last forever while we go through it, but it will pass ("the days are long, but the years are short"). The other valuable general advice she has given me is to trust my instincts as a mother. These may sound trite, but in my experience as a first-time parent, they have really helped bolster my spirits at times when I feel overwhelmed or uncertain.
i would honestly be surprised if my mother even knew my kids middle names.
not that she doesnt care about them (i guess, im giving the benefit of the doubt here), but she certainly never had ANY interest in either of my kids.
but then, seeing as she pawned me off to my grandparents to rear, and her other kids to their dad to rear, that shouldnt come as a surprise.
To add to her lack of caregiving abilities and overall 'unconcern' for anyone other than herself - she moved across the country leaving hubby and i to care for my grandparents (HER parents) alone.
it is what it is, but i can tell you this- it ticks me off when i see parents COMPLAIN that the grandparents buy the kids too much stuff, or spend too much time with them of call or come over too much. They don't know what they have, and certainly don't appreciate it.
My mom and mother in law give advice, most of it unsolicited. MIL has a way of trying to make it sound like she isn't trying to tell us what to do, but it is a weak attempt. She tells us it is coming from her other daughter, or something like that Mom gives advice, some good, some laughable, some annoying. She means well, but when she tells me I yell too much I can't take it seriously. Where does she think I got it from???
My Mom is a great Mom and Nana, I guess my only complaint is anytime I have asked for advice or how she dealt with something I get the "it was so long ago I don't remember" unfortunately this is not her age speaking because that was her standard reply even when she was younger. On the other hand she has always been great about listening to me, just don't offer any advice except that "it didn't come to stay it will pass."
We are fortunate that we have both sets of our parents. While they don't give advice per se, it is very nice to have other people around who love our kids as much as we do. While our relationship has been strained at times with my parents, we have never questioned their love and concern. We have occasionally asked for advice, but the problem we most often run into is that most of the advice is rather dated at least in terms of taking care of the kids. What has been more beneficial is the example they have both given us of what a real marriage is and the necessity of putting in the effort to make it work.
My mother passed several years ago, and here was her best advise:
"You love your children equally, but you MUST treat them differently"
By this she meant that some kids need more guidance, some need more affection, some more discipline. You have to parent each child individually as they have individual needs. What works with one, won't necessarily work for another.
Also, the instinct thing. When my first son was a baby, I was following the parenting books to the letter. My guy told me he was cranky because he was ready for solid food, but the books said no. Sure enough, she encouraged me to follow my gut and when I gave him some of that disgusting oatmeal, he FINALLY started sleeping through the night.
The last thing I learned from her wasn't so much advise and learning from her example. She never, never, never gave up on us. Even when my sister ran away with a drug dealer, started doing drugs and stripping (and who-knows what else), when she came back my mom welcomed her with open arms and they were best friends from that moment on.
When I was growing up, my mother always told us, "no one is better than you, and you're not better than anyone else." That was a gift. If she caught us gossiping on the phone, she'd click down the receiver and hand us a broom or some other cleaning implement because if we had time to gossip, we had time to do something useful.
My other favorite mom moment was when my first daughter was four weeks old, and she cried all the time, I called my mother sobbing and asked "when does this stop sucking?" She answered, "in about six weeks." I was so grateful for her at that moment because she actually gave me an answer without judgment. And she was right!
My mom, thankfully, does not offer advice. My MIL offers unsolicited advice, and usually it's the opposite of what I find reasonable, LOL. She's a great grandma to my kids, but our childrearing opinions are quite different, which is fine... she had her turn with DH, and now it's my turn to mother my own children.
My mother only offers advice if I ask for it. Her philosophy is that she raised her children, and now it's her children's time to raise theirs. She's really the most wonderful grandmother. She loves my girls for exactly who they are, not who she wants them to be. I am so grateful that we still live near enough to my parents for them to enjoy my children.
My grandmother taught me how to cook a cornish game hen and iron a military crease in a pair of slacks. Both have served me well.
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Mom gives advice, some good, some laughable, some annoying. She means well, but when she tells me I yell too much I can't take it seriously. Where does she think I got it from???
My MIL offers unsolicited advice, and usually it's the opposite of what I find reasonable, LOL. She's a great grandma to my kids, but our childrearing opinions are quite different, which is fine... she had her turn with DH, and now it's my turn to mother my own children.
