If your parents were lousy Mothers and Dad's does that make you better (child support, divorced)

[Dingler]

If your parents were lousy Mothers and Dad's does that make you better or worse when you do it yourself? My wife was always concerned she would be as lousy of parents as her Mom and Dad were so did not have children as a result. Her sisters are as lousy of parents as her Mom and Dad, so ....

[emjbulls]

Originally Posted by Dingler

If your parents were lousy Mothers and Dad's does that make you better or worse when you do it yourself? My wife was always concerned she would be as lousy of parents as her Mom and Dad were so did not have children as a result. Her sisters are as lousy of parents as her Mom and Dad, so ....

I think it depends on if the person realizes they were brought up in dysfunction. If someone was raised improperly and they don't realize it, then they will emulate the way they were raised because they think what's dysfunction is normal. If someone knows they were raised improperly, that gives them the chance to break the dysfunction. In your example, the sister probably doesn't realize that she was raised by people with poor parenting skills. So since your wife is cognoscente of it, she has the capacity to realize what a good parent should not do and learn from the mistakes of her parents.

[kearney_the_black_lab]

You need to do two things so as to not become the lousy parents that your parents are/were......number 1: Forgive them and move on. And number 2: Just remember (not "dwell", mind you!....but "remember") where your parents went wrong and make proper adjustments accordingly.

[Mrs.Bewitched]

I don't want to say mine were lousy. And I never thought they were until...I started becoming mature and goal oriented myself. Went through college. Had two children. Experienced things as a parent myself...and then realized...ew...perhaps mine weren't good. There are many things I disagree that they have done, or are still doing....which makes me do the opposite.

So for someone who gets out of the "environment", I say that it makes them better. But for people who don't get out...they probably never realize that the way to be isn't the way to be.

[Inthesierras]

Originally Posted by mrshvo

I don't want to say mine were lousy. And I never thought they were until...I started becoming mature and goal oriented myself. Went through college. Had two children. Experienced things as a parent myself...and then realized...ew...perhaps mine weren't good. There are many things I disagree that they have done, or are still doing....which makes me do the opposite.

So for someone who gets out of the "environment", I say that it makes them better. But for people who don't get out...they probably never realize that the way to be isn't the way to be.

I have felt that way too. There are many things I would never do or say to my kids that were commonplace when I was growing up. I already have the mental list of what I will not repeat. If you grow up and don't think anything was wrong with your childhood, I don't think things will change at all. But, if you can recoginize things that happened shouldn't have, then you can change them,

I think my parents did the best they could, both came from 'interesting' families. But I think they had blinders on and missed helping us achieve more, or just be better people. Average was fine, anything more then that wasn't worth the time. They still have that attitude.

[RebOver]

My father was and is a real jerk. I don't communicate with him because of it. My brother had the short end of the stick when my parents divorced. The thinking was that since we were twins, the male went with the dad and I went with the mother, there would be no need for child support. My mom has always felt guilty about that. My brother didn't have anything to do with my dad by the age of 22. People in this day and age of closure have suggested that I confront my dad about his dysfunction. I think that had he known better he wouldn't be the person he is. He's broken and will remain so. I do think that as you develop ways to work around bad parents, 'walking on eggshells', you are sensitive to those causes as an adult. You have one of two choices. Your bad parent(s) can either make you or break you. I chose to use my memories for good! Sounds kind of Superhero but I think I am very sensitive and aware about my responsibilities as a parent. I view children as a gift from God and I hope that my interaction with our daughter supports that. Sometimes when I'm cuddling with my eight year old I ask her if she's ever had a day when she's thought that I don't love her. Sincerely she''ll reply no. I'll ask again, had an hour, had a second, and she'll respond no. She knows that we love her and that she is so dear to us. I do tell her that I may not be happy with everything that she does but that never will lessen my love for her. My goal is for her to always be confident in the love and support we have for her and to not be afraid of ever losing that. To be fair to parents of past generations I think that child rearing is now more informed and the mistakes of the past are less common. I'm sure there will be issues about the children we have now but I think the focus will be on societal issues and less on bad parenting. If you wife decides to become a parent she will become so open to the joy and love children bring to you. It is like being told that if you look through a keyhole you can see 'love'. Once you have a child it is as though someone comes up and says, " hey why don't you open the door and step in." Once you step through and into 'love', it surrounds you and envelops you.

[gardener34]

Rebover: excellent post. I agree that being around dysfunction as a child, hopefully makes you want to avoid making the same mistakes. Unfortunately, some people have blinders on and just can't break the family dysfunction cycle.

Kids aren't stupid, they pick up pretty quickly on when things aren't good...

[brokencrayola]

It goes a lot deeper than just forgiving your parents, or being "determined" to do better etc. That is all you saw as a child, it was your only view of parenting and it is a cycle that can be hard to break or overcome. I think people that had bad parents or were raised in a disfunctional family can be good parents, they just have to work harder at it and be very aware of how their childhood affected them and how they want to change that in their parenting.

[gv0928]

I personally love my parents, and do think they were great parents.

But I will say, any mistakes that parents make are great, in the sense that they teach you what not to do with your own children. I definitely have my own list of things to do and things not to do.

It's all learning experiences; that's life.

[june 7th]

Originally Posted by RebOver

My father was and is a real jerk. I don't communicate with him because of it. My brother had the short end of the stick when my parents divorced. The thinking was that since we were twins, the male went with the dad and I went with the mother, there would be no need for child support. My mom has always felt guilty about that. My brother didn't have anything to do with my dad by the age of 22. People in this day and age of closure have suggested that I confront my dad about his dysfunction. I think that had he known better he wouldn't be the person he is. He's broken and will remain so. I do think that as you develop ways to work around bad parents, 'walking on eggshells', you are sensitive to those causes as an adult. You have one of two choices. Your bad parent(s) can either make you or break you. I chose to use my memories for good! Sounds kind of Superhero but I think I am very sensitive and aware about my responsibilities as a parent. I view children as a gift from God and I hope that my interaction with our daughter supports that. Sometimes when I'm cuddling with my eight year old I ask her if she's ever had a day when she's thought that I don't love her. Sincerely she''ll reply no. I'll ask again, had an hour, had a second, and she'll respond no. She knows that we love her and that she is so dear to us. I do tell her that I may not be happy with everything that she does but that never will lessen my love for her. My goal is for her to always be confident in the love and support we have for her and to not be afraid of ever losing that. To be fair to parents of past generations I think that child rearing is now more informed and the mistakes of the past are less common. I'm sure there will be issues about the children we have now but I think the focus will be on societal issues and less on bad parenting. If you wife decides to become a parent she will become so open to the joy and love children bring to you. It is like being told that if you look through a keyhole you can see 'love'. Once you have a child it is as though someone comes up and says, " hey why don't you open the door and step in." Once you step through and into 'love', it surrounds you and envelops you.

WOW!!! Now this is truly beautiful!!!

I think it is so difficult, at times, to be able to do what RebOver has so eloquently described. (But it sure warms my heart!) Given the fact that most of us tend to parent our own children in much the same way that we were parented, it is always somewhat overwhelming for me to see that there are those who are able to do otherwise...While I have seen many, many instances like what RebOver describes, unfortunately, oftentimes the opposite is true as well. I think there is such a strong inter-generational aspect to parenting. From the time we are born, we "internalize" our parents. What too often seems to happen is that we internalize both the good as well as the bad aspects, and upon becoming parents ourselves, we project that "bad" onto our own children. --At least that is part of how it seems to work...The upshot is that human beings are also capable of undergoing truly emotionally corrective experiences, which in turn, translates into how we raise our own children. On some level, I suspect RebOver has highlighted this fact far better than anything I could put into words, or anything that comtemporary psychoanalytic theory would or could dare to add!