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Old 02-12-2011, 06:20 PM
 
Location: Cary, NC
502 posts, read 1,080,409 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLucky View Post
Please. Yes he raped her. Why on earth would she make up such a story, just for fun?? He probably just played with her, not full insertion, until he came. It's possible.
Because people who are not mentally stable do often lie regardless of the ramifications of lie.

I too have a sister that sounds like the OP's (regardless of if the rape happened or not). She has caused so much heartache w/in our family. She very often lies and does self-destructive things to gain attention.

 
Old 02-12-2011, 08:23 PM
 
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A wedding is a day. Your sister is your sister, and your relationship with her is far more important than a single day. But, I have to say that I was never into the whole *it's MY day* thing that goes with being a bride, so my perspective might be different than most.

The psychology of rape/sexual abuse is deeply complicated, and I would discourage continuing in this "I think she's lying for attention" vein.
 
Old 02-12-2011, 08:33 PM
 
2,514 posts, read 5,178,326 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951 View Post
A wedding is a day. Your sister is your sister, and your relationship with her is far more important than a single day. But, I have to say that I was never into the whole *it's MY day* thing that goes with being a bride, so my perspective might be different than most.

The psychology of rape/sexual abuse is deeply complicated, and I would discourage continuing in this "I think she's lying for attention" vein.
I preferred a small wedding, but most brides look forward to their special day. Just watch a couple episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress", and you'll see what a big deal it is. If her sister has mental problems and is seeking attention, she is probably upset that this wedding day is not about her. If this rape did happen, why was she comfortable to be w/ the uncle over the holidays and continue to visit her cousin's home where he frequently stops in? If she is so traumatized, why wait until her sister's wedding to speak up?
 
Old 02-12-2011, 08:37 PM
 
852 posts, read 1,136,600 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kahskye View Post
I preferred a small wedding, but most brides look forward to their special day. Just watch a couple episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress", and you'll see what a big deal it is. If her sister has mental problems and is seeking attention, she is probably upset that this wedding day is not about her. If this rape did happen, why was she comfortable to be w/ the uncle over the holidays and continue to visit her cousin's home where he frequently stops in? If she is so traumatized, why wait until her sister's wedding to speak up?
Because the psychology of rape/sexual abuse is complicated, particularly when it involves family members, and victims often do things that don't make sense.
 
Old 02-12-2011, 08:40 PM
 
29,988 posts, read 35,878,489 times
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I believe the statistics are that by age 21 that one in three women will have been molested, usually be a family member or friend of the family. Girls who are molested often become sexually active/permiscuous at an earlier age and have difficulty forming attachment in more permanent relationships. I believe attention seeking behavior may also be another symptom. These would seem to be consistent with the behavior the OP has stated about her sister.

Quote:

Common Symptoms in Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse:
  • Physical Presentations
  • Chronic pelvic pain
  • Gastrointestinal symptoms/distress
  • Musculoskeletal complaints
  • Obesity, eating disorders
  • Insomnia, sleep disorders
  • Pseudocyesis
  • Sexual dysfunction
  • Asthma, respiratory ailments
  • Addiction
  • Chronic headache
  • Chronic back pain
  • Psychologic and Behavioral Presentations
  • Depression and anxiety
  • Posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms
  • Dissociative states
  • Repeated self-injury
  • Suicide attempts
  • Lying, stealing, truancy, running away
  • Poor contraceptive practices
  • Compulsive sexual behaviors
  • Sexual dysfunction
  • Somatizing disorders
  • Eating disorders
  • Poor adherence to medical recommendations
  • Intolerance of or constant search for intimacy
  • Expectation of early death
http://www.aaets.org/article120.htm

If the uncle has not been present at other family activities and if this wedding would be a first for your sister to be in his presence again then I can see why the request that he not be invited.

It would have been better had the OP thought out the situation more clearly before univiting the uncle. To vasillate back and forth only adds to suspicion and hurt feelings among family members.

Perhaps the best way to save face is to cancel the big wedding altogether and elope, inviting only parents and/or grandparents of the bride and groom to attend as witnesses. Think of the money saved and the decreased drama in the day of the ceremony.

Whatever you do, when you have your own children, never ever leave them alone in the presence of the accused uncle.
 
Old 02-12-2011, 08:41 PM
 
8,862 posts, read 14,393,670 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951 View Post
A wedding is a day. Your sister is your sister, and your relationship with her is far more important than a single day. But, I have to say that I was never into the whole *it's MY day* thing that goes with being a bride, so my perspective might be different than most.

The psychology of rape/sexual abuse is deeply complicated, and I would discourage continuing in this "I think she's lying for attention" vein.
I disagree--I know it is a complicated issue but why is the sister bringing this up now? If the sister has a mental health professional it seems to me they should be working through these long-unresolved issues--for which she seemingly needs aggressive support.

'Manipulative behavior' is an issue in many forms of mental illness. I knew someone with a serious form of bipolar and sadly there were times when she out of touch with reality. It is very difficult for families to respond appropriately or keep some semblance of normalcy.
 
Old 02-12-2011, 08:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TakeAhike View Post
I disagree--I know it is a complicated issue but why is the sister bringing this up now? If the sister has a mental health professional it seems to me they should be working through these long-unresolved issues--for which she seemingly needs aggressive support.

'Manipulative behavior' is an issue in many forms of mental illness. I knew someone with a serious form of bipolar and sadly there were times when she out of touch with reality. It is very difficult for families to respond appropriately or keep some semblance of normalcy.
I wouldn't begin to speculate on the reasons behind the sister's timing nor would I try to diagnose her with bipolar disorder based on some posts on a internet forum.
 
Old 02-12-2011, 09:09 PM
 
8,862 posts, read 14,393,670 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951 View Post
I wouldn't begin to speculate on the reasons behind the sister's timing nor would I try to diagnose her with bipolar disorder based on some posts on a internet forum.
Nor would I--diagnose a mental illness.

I don't have expertise in this area--I have known several people that struggled with mental illness---including my own brother and I know what my family went through. It was very difficult to know if he was telling the truth--basically an honest person and also plagued by paranoid delusions. It is so hard to know what to do.

Certain events seemed to trigger the episodes. Very disturbing--buried memories.

My brother was certain that neighbors were conspiring against him and that he was being followed by covert law enforcement officials. Quite an experience--we listened and tried to empathize but he was in another world.

I am still of the opinion that if this traumatic issue has surfaced then a mental health professional should be involved.

In another post someone suggested that the OP cancel her wedding--I really don't agree with that. And I am tired of data on violence against women and children --all kinds of data that is freely used online to support whatever position one chooses to take.

You can't stop living--as my family learned--so much heartache but it is very important that the extended family live their lives as well as show support and concern for members struggling with any challenge.
 
Old 02-12-2011, 09:29 PM
 
852 posts, read 1,136,600 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TakeAhike View Post
Nor would I--diagnose a mental illness.

I don't have expertise in this area--I have known several people that struggled with mental illness---including my own brother and I know what my family went through. It was very difficult to know if he was telling the truth--basically an honest person and also plagued by paranoid delusions. It is so hard to know what to do.

Certain events seemed to trigger the episodes. Very disturbing--buried memories.

My brother was certain that neighbors were conspiring against him and that he was being followed by covert law enforcement officials. Quite an experience--we listened and tried to empathize but he was in another world.

I am still of the opinion that if this traumatic issue has surfaced then a mental health professional should be involved.

In another post someone suggested that the OP cancel her wedding--I really don't agree with that. And I am tired of data on violence against women and children --all kinds of data that is freely used online to support whatever position one chooses to take.

You can't stop living--as my family learned--so much heartache but it is very important that the extended family live their lives as well as show support and concern for members struggling with any challenge.
You are absolutely right that a mental health professional should be involved with the sister, and it wouldn't hurt the OP to talk to a counselor either. In dealing with my MIL's mental illness, a counselor gave my husband and me some invaluable advice that probably saved our marriage.

But your family is not the OP's family, and even if the sister's timing or the behavior seems off, I would be very careful of ever accusing someone who claims to have been raped of lying.

And I don't think that cancelling the wedding is an option either. You're right. Families of mentally ill people cannot stop living. I think the best thing is to sit down with the family (and perhaps a counselor) and have a real conversation about it and figure it all out.
 
Old 02-12-2011, 09:44 PM
 
8,862 posts, read 14,393,670 times
Reputation: 2280
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951 View Post
You are absolutely right that a mental health professional should be involved with the sister, and it wouldn't hurt the OP to talk to a counselor either. In dealing with my MIL's mental illness, a counselor gave my husband and me some invaluable advice that probably saved our marriage.

But your family is not the OP's family, and even if the sister's timing or the behavior seems off, I would be very careful of ever accusing someone who claims to have been raped of lying.
And I don't think that cancelling the wedding is an option either. You're right. Families of mentally ill people cannot stop living. I think the best thing is to sit down with the family (and perhaps a counselor) and have a real conversation about it and figure it all out.
I don't think I said anything about 'accusing the sister of lying'--certain that I did not--given my experiences with my brother.

I did say that the sister needs the support of the family--but questioned whether univiting the uncle was the way to demonstrate support. I would be one of the last people to ever feel that I absolutely knew how to handle such complex family issues.

I think I've read most of the OP's responses and it does indeed sound like the family is struggling to deal with this--mother uncertain of the sister's veracity and her dad is furious with the uncle.

I wish the OP well with her new life. By leading a productive and fulfilling life you are in a much better position to offer support when it is needed. I learned the hard way that has to be the priority. So many times I thought I was 'helping' and ended up making things worse by getting drawn into the drama.

I have no advice except to consult a mental health professional.
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