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Old 02-14-2011, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Atlanta, GA
4 posts, read 32,672 times
Reputation: 14

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My mother died when I was five years old and I didn't get much support to talk about my feelings when she died (my father remarried soon after) and so I grew up feeling like I was unique (not in a good way) and no one could understand my feelings. Now years later I have a great family and good job but I still have feelings of yearning for my mother and wishing that she were still alive. What frustrates me is that I cannot remember a lot of the photograph type of memories but the emotional memories are so strong. I feel like I wish she were here to give her approval for my accomplishments and to listen to me. My family of origin can't or won't talk about her and if they do it can be hurtful. I see a lot written about motherless daughters but was wondering if there are any other motherless sons out there and what your experience is like?
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Old 02-15-2011, 04:31 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,484 posts, read 43,730,834 times
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I'm sure this must be a very painful situation for you. As Mothers, we all worry about how our kids will fare if we die when they are young. As an older Mom to adopted kids I really worry about it alot.

I don't know how anybody on the net can help you except to say we are sorry for your loss. I'm sure there are many motherless sons out there but doubt they would open up too much. I hate to state the obvious but you need to talk to somebody with professional training. Good Luck
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:32 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,484 posts, read 43,730,834 times
Reputation: 47257
Sorry can't figure out how to get back to our messages. I just googled Motherless Sons and saw reference to a few books and music and support groups. See what might help you there. Also any book on motherless children should help as well.
Good luck on your discovery and journey.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:01 AM
 
Location: Texas or Cascais, Portugal
3,414 posts, read 3,178,832 times
Reputation: 8269
I just turned 8 when my mother died, after a long battle with cancer so, I can relate. Most of my memories are of her illness, with only a few of when I was younger and she was still well. I'm the youngest of 4 and my brother's wives always tell me how my brother's are screwed up from losing our mother but, I'm not really sure what they mean. No one in my family talks about it either. We're all middle age now and the bottom line is, a child never really gets over losing a parent. It's too big a trauma for a young child to process so, it's something you carry with you. I don't know if talking about it would be helpful. I think that like all life experiences, it partly defines who you are, both strengths and weaknesses. Like a parent who loses a child, there will always be a void you carry with you, you just have to accept that the experience changed you and live your life. We all experience traumas in different ways, but life goes on.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:01 AM
 
77 posts, read 152,315 times
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I can relate completely, even now pushing 50, I still go through stages where I cry in the shower wanting my mother to hug me and lie that everything will be okay.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:14 AM
 
Location: Living on the Coast in Oxnard CA
15,723 posts, read 26,748,770 times
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My wife lost her mom when she was 9. Her biggest fear is in not living long enough to raise our kids. Our only daughter is 4 years old now. We also have 5 sons that range from 19 to 6 in age. Still it is our daughter that she is concerned about because of what my wife went through. She was raised by her oldest brother and sister in law. They had a son that is a year older than my wife. Still it is sad when any kid has a parent pass away on them.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Atlanta, GA
4 posts, read 32,672 times
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I have been in therapy and am reading books like 'Never too young to know' and 'No voice is ever wholly lost'. Worrying that you won't live past the year your parent died seems to be a common theme in other people's stories but I didn't have that one since when I passed the age my mother died I was still fairly numbed out and avoidant about the whole thing. Recently I have been thinking about my single years and how I would swing back and forth between falling 'in love' with people I didn't know or becoming withdrawn emotionally. I have this feeling all the time the my wife is going to die. I also have this weird feeling that I have to stay 'connected' by obsessively checking my blackberry all the time. My wife and I run ragged picking up after our kids who live like the prince and princess in their palace. I think this is because I don't know how a 'normal' parent would act so we try to do everything for them. They seem pretty happy and well adjusted though, unlike me.

Last edited by DiggDigg; 02-15-2011 at 10:55 AM..
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Old 02-15-2011, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn New York
15,581 posts, read 24,988,219 times
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Yes, it is very difficult to not have a mother. I know as well as my sons do, as their mother made a sudden transition when they were still in elementary school.
I think the worse for them was around Mothers day when the children in school would make projects for their Mom, one of my sons came home crying because he had no one to make the project for...
After that I kept my boys home from school always 2 days before mothers day. They though I was cool to let them play hookey from school for those few days. It wasn't until they were much older and I told them why I did that, it was rough..........
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Old 02-16-2011, 09:30 AM
 
Location: Atlanta, GA
4 posts, read 32,672 times
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Default "Grieving My Mother's Absence" from BrandonIN

Quote:
Originally Posted by nightcrawler View Post
Yes, it is very difficult to not have a mother. I know as well as my sons do, as their mother made a sudden transition when they were still in elementary school.
I think the worse for them was around Mothers day when the children in school would make projects for their Mom, one of my sons came home crying because he had no one to make the project for...
After that I kept my boys home from school always 2 days before mothers day. They though I was cool to let them play hookey from school for those few days. It wasn't until they were much older and I told them why I did that, it was rough..........
I started this post in response to one I saw on this web site that didn't get much response but which I could really relate to. I quote it in full below from BrandonIN

Grieving my mother's absence - HealthBoards Message Boards

Grieving my mother's absence
Hello everyone, this is my first post.

I've decided to go try the internet message board route to try to deal with my grief I've been dealing with. I've found that the internet can be a great way to deal with problems in your life and relate to others dealing with the same thing, so why not give this a try too. The source of my grief is the loss of my mother when I was 5 years old. I'm 27 now, and I still routinely grieve about her absence in my life. Here's my story.

My mother was born and raised in Davison, Michigan (little town outside of Flint). My father was born and raised in Terre Haute, IN. When my father and mother got married, my mother moved down here to Indiana, which is where I was born, raised, and still live today. My mother died when I was 5 years old. My maternal grandfather, and one aunt and her children (my cousins) still live in Michigan. My grandpa still lives in Davison, and my aunt lives in northern Michigan. My father remarried when I was about 8 years old, and is still married to her today.

We just visited my grandpa and my aunt & kids this last weekend, and as usual these visits are always very hard on me. When we go up to see them, everything about my mother comes back to life for me. My grandpa has pictures all over his house of my mother when she was alive, and I get to be in the house where she used to live and grew up in. Every time I'm in that house, all sorts of memories of my childhood come back alive and as soon as I step foot in the house, usually a wave of emotions come over me.

As I said, she died when I was 5. The only memories I have of her are just brief photographic memories, but nothing of any real substance. I can't remember a single time of really connecting to her. I can't even remember her voice. I see plenty of pictures of us together, but it kills me to not be able to really remember connecting with her. Because of this I feel this huge sense of emptiness and lack of closure. I'd to anything to just be able to see her again for 5 minutes, just to tell her how much I love her and miss her. All I want to do is run to her and have her hold me in her arms. Everyone tells me that I took after her in so many ways, from looks, to personality, and everything in between. We could have been so close. She is the biggest missing piece of my soul. A huge part of me that has been missing ever since she past away.

Right now as I sit here and think of her, the pain I feel is so intense. I sit here and am yearning for her to just walk in the door, and sit down with me, but I know that will never happen when I'm on this earth. It just doesn't seem right for a little boy's mommy to be ripped away from him when he was only 5 years old. It would be different if I NEVER knew her, but I did. Right as I was reaching the point of my life whre I'd be able to really relate to her, she was taken away. Now all I'm left with are just photographic memories with very little substance. I feel so sorry for myself.

How am I supposed to deal with these feelings? She died so long ago, but I have never felt like I've gotten the closure from her death that I need. I don't know if I ever will. I have other family members that have died, but I had relationships with them as I got older. I have never felt the closure I need from my mother's death. I think it's because of the fact that I have no memories of her. I didn't attend her funeral, because I think I told my dad I didn't want to go. I remember my dad coming home and telling me that she died, and just feeling like a little boy who didn't know what hit him. That's it.

Other than that I have nothing. I'd do anything to be able to tell her I love her and how much I miss her. I just want to hear her voice, and hear her say she loves me. Don't really know what kind of responses I'm looking for. I guess to hear that someone may understand and feel the same way, it could help. Thank you for listening.

Brandon
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:09 AM
 
1,177 posts, read 1,936,613 times
Reputation: 1112
Quote:
Originally Posted by DiggDigg View Post
My mother died when I was five years old and I didn't get much support to talk about my feelings when she died (my father remarried soon after) and so I grew up feeling like I was unique (not in a good way) and no one could understand my feelings. Now years later I have a great family and good job but I still have feelings of yearning for my mother and wishing that she were still alive. What frustrates me is that I cannot remember a lot of the photograph type of memories but the emotional memories are so strong. I feel like I wish she were here to give her approval for my accomplishments and to listen to me. My family of origin can't or won't talk about her and if they do it can be hurtful. I see a lot written about motherless daughters but was wondering if there are any other motherless sons out there and what your experience is like?
I guess "they" say that most of us don't remember MUCH before the age of 4 or 5. I know for myself my earliest memories are around that age. Man I feel really sorry for you brother. I can't imagine not having memories of my Mom. My Mom was 67 and died suddenly about 10 years ago. I miss her sooo much. I can't however relate to your sorrow. Stick with the counseling and stay tight with your family.
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