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Old 02-16-2011, 07:02 AM
 
Location: Wallis and Futuna
11,218 posts, read 15,677,393 times
Reputation: 16467
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeg26 View Post
I try not to yell. I try to talk calmly and softly to her. It does help. I recently started sending her to her room until she can talk in a respectful tone. It has helped, also. She will come out 10 minutes later and be better.

Tonight's arguement was after I sent her to her room for the 4th time and she didn't want to go. She wanted to watch a movie with her sister. I sent her in there anyway - and she got real nasty. I should have just kept my mouth shut and let her cool down (again). I know it takes two to argue - and I need to keep working on myself, too.
What was she doing, that prompted you to send her to her room? Why was she sent the first time? What rule of the household did she violate that would result in a "go to your room" punishment?

Are the rules of the household spelled out? Some teens need more specific and concrete guidelines than others. Some teens do just fine without needing someone saying "you need to do -this- every day after school, and THEN you can do -that- for an hour." Some teens need to actually be told. It sounds like yours might need a sit-down to help create house rules and boundaries, at a time when there isn't any stress.

In other words, when you are -not- in the process of arguing, call a family meeting. Have a sit-down with the family gathered together. Explain that you want to see everyone feeling like they're contributing to the peace and happiness of the family unit, and "we're all here tonight" to create a chart that should result in just that. And then get input from everyone about what they feel -they- could contribute, that would add to the peace and happiness of the household. Don't tell them what they should do. Give them the opportunity to tell you what they WILL do. And write it down. If they're unsure what to say, suggest to them that it can be added chores, or different behaviors, or a shift in TV-watching schedules, or the volume of their voices/music, whatever they feel would be a positive change in the atmosphere. But let THEM be the ones to decide what those things will be, for themselves. Give them the chance to participate in the positive, rather than sinking down into the negative.

And then offer rewards. For a week's worth of peace and happiness in the house, they get points. Give a goal - maybe a destination option for vacation. Give different destinations different points, different values based on effort to achieve. So like, 4 days in the Caymans might be worth 25 points. A week in the mountains near home might be worth 20 points. Hawaii, 50 points. Make all of them things your family can afford, obviously.

And at the end of the period, look at the number of points added up - and let the family choose the vacation from the list of "earned" destinations.
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Old 02-16-2011, 07:27 AM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
2,349 posts, read 2,244,709 times
Reputation: 2958
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeg26 View Post
I try not to yell. I try to talk calmly and softly to her. It does help. I recently started sending her to her room until she can talk in a respectful tone. It has helped, also. She will come out 10 minutes later and be better.

Tonight's argument was after I sent her to her room for the 4th time and she didn't want to go. She wanted to watch a movie with her sister. I sent her in there anyway - and she got real nasty. I should have just kept my mouth shut and let her cool down (again). I know it takes two to argue - and I need to keep working on myself, too.
One thing that has been invaluable to me is the acronym QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally. If my son said something in a cranky voice, I would take a nice, deep breath, then listen to what he was saying. We would see if there was any kind of way to work out a mutual solution, not just keep trying to push my own agenda on him. It took a LOT of deep breaths! LOL I could address the "attitude" later - but, really, as soon as I started focusing on what he was saying, rather than how he was saying it, the disrespectful attitude mostly went away. I say mostly, because he's still human, he was still hormonal, etc. I am certainly no angel every minute of every day, in regards to how cranky I can get, etc. People expect more of teens than they do adults in their lives!

I didn't have to "teach" him to not speak disrespectfully - speaking respectfully to him, and really, really hearing him, and taking his wants seriously, did that.

And I see wonderful things happening as I do that with the 12-year-old, also. He has been quick to get frustrated since he was tiny, and can be very oppositional. As he's gotten older, and he KNOWS that I will truly listen to him (as I would a friend!), and support him, that has mellowed soooo much. He is happy, kind, and helpful - because I'm happy, kind and helpful to him!
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Old 02-16-2011, 07:46 AM
 
1,324 posts, read 2,501,294 times
Reputation: 991
Quote:
Originally Posted by cynderella View Post
I have a seventeen year old and it has been more like a storm than a breeze.

Ditto hear. My son who is 17 going on 18 has been a pain in the butt. He is smart (graduated high school a year early), but he seems to have no motivation. He WAS going to go to college, but his stupid girlfriend says college is a waste of time. He won't even get a job. We have been on him since he graduated. It's gotten so bad he is moving out (to his girlfriends house) because he either has to go to school or get a job to live here. Yes, I know jobs are hard to find, but he isn't even looking.

My sweet little angel has turned into something else. I still have hope that one day he will wake up.
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:26 AM
 
Location: Chicago 'burbs'
1,022 posts, read 2,181,789 times
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Thanks for the advice, guys. I appreciate it.
We do have "house rules" that have been in place for a long time. The kids are well aware of what is expected. After school it's homework, chores, then they can go on the computer or play. Chores are simple - unload the dishwasher, clean the sinks in the bathroom,ect. They have set chores for each day that only take about 10 minutes. They get an allowance each Friday if they do their chores. They also have favorite shows that they can watch if their stuff is done.
Friends have invited us to go on a quick trip with them over Spring Break. I told the girls that I'm going to be watching them and if they don't fight, do chores and homework, pick up after themselves, and are respectful we can go. If not, we don't go. I think this trip would be good motivation to stay on task.
I do need to take Charlotte's advice and not take it personally. I will start today with your advice. I know it will take some time, but it will be worth it if it brings peace to our relationship!
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:32 AM
 
Location: Chicago 'burbs'
1,022 posts, read 2,181,789 times
Reputation: 677
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
What was she doing, that prompted you to send her to her room? Why was she sent the first time? What rule of the household did she violate that would result in a "go to your room" punishment?
Lately when she is disrespectful - or talks nasty to me - I tell her to go to her room until she can talk nice. She isn't sent there for a set amount of time, just until she can talk with a nice tone.

The household rule is that you don't yell at or speak nasty to anyone, especially Mom.
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:10 AM
 
789 posts, read 1,196,173 times
Reputation: 478
I have boy/girl twins, 16. Nice kids. The teen years have been good .
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Old 02-16-2011, 12:14 PM
 
2,894 posts, read 4,042,480 times
Reputation: 3946
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeg26 View Post
Lately when she is disrespectful - or talks nasty to me - I tell her to go to her room until she can talk nice. She isn't sent there for a set amount of time, just until she can talk with a nice tone.

The household rule is that you don't yell at or speak nasty to anyone, especially Mom.
Let me offer a different approach for this particular issue instead of sending her to her room.

When she starts talking nastily to you, simply say you are sorry, but you cannot understand her when she talks like that and walk away.

She will likely follow you and try again. If she is still not nice, repeat the same exact sentence. No emotion. No discussion. Again, walk away.

If it really is important, then a couple of times walking away from her and she will realize that your attention is needed in order to be heard. If that is the case, she will probably back down and calmly address you.

If it's not important to her, and she was just reacting emotionally, you will have diffused the situation by removing YOURSELF from it. She might huff off and go to her room anyway, but not because you were the bad guy sending her.
Also, by not trying to send her to her room she loses the option to rebel against that.
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Old 02-16-2011, 01:10 PM
 
Location: somewhere
3,667 posts, read 5,112,974 times
Reputation: 2050
Quote:
Originally Posted by treeg26 View Post
Lately when she is disrespectful - or talks nasty to me - I tell her to go to her room until she can talk nice. She isn't sent there for a set amount of time, just until she can talk with a nice tone.

The household rule is that you don't yell at or speak nasty to anyone, especially Mom.
I agree with hypocore's advice, I have raised two kids to adulthood and at the present time have 2 teenagers and while they are normally great kids, we have had the occasional nasty tone. I found what worked best for me, was to say "excuse me, when you chose to speak to me in a nicer tone, then we can continue this conversation" then I walk off.
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Old 02-16-2011, 02:31 PM
 
Location: colorado
2,791 posts, read 2,419,337 times
Reputation: 3220
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
How many of the regular posters on here have teenage kids or have had teenage kids?

My boys are 22, on his own has his own family. He became a dad at 17.
My other two boys are 18 and 17 they are in high school
My daugher is 20 she is living with her boyfriend
My girls are 9 and 11.
I love teens they are the sweetest things..
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Old 02-16-2011, 02:56 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
2,074 posts, read 1,492,300 times
Reputation: 2529
I have two teenaged girls, 15 & 13 and a pre-teen, an 11 year old son. So far, I've been blessed with awesome behavior and respect from them. Our rules our simple (they apply to me and the kids)- put out respect and you'll get respect back. I've learned that if I respect my kids, they'll respect me too. LISTEN to your teens. Really listen and never tell them their feelings are silly or stupid. Don't tolerate nasty tones (if that happens, I just send them to their room to cool off until they can calmly discuss) but don't minimize their feelings. Come to mutual agreements. Don't use double standards.
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