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Thanks for all the feedback -sometimes its good just to know you're not alone - I recognized the "triangulation" but did not know there was a term for it - thats another thing that comes into this scenario - the family is pitted against one another -it's almost like a power play & the story does get changed just enough to cause kaos.... even between her mother & I.
If she is told something will be taken away for the trouble caused (tampering w/neighbors property) the response is "I don't care"... clean your room "I don't have to"... "You never wanted me anyway, you love the others more..." and on & on until every button is pushed-once she gets your blood pressure up or the tears flowing - she has done what she set out to do - until the next time.
It will take a miracle of God to turn this pretty girl around but fortunately for me, He's in the miracle business, and I refuse to give up on her - thanks for listening.
This is where I say you need to set the law and make him write, even if you have to stand right behind him while he writes.
Just take everything away, including computers for play and homework, TV, toys, games, his cool clothing and keep him from seeing his friends outside of school until he starts writing. If he doesn't, tell a psychologist about his continued refusal; it is a useful bit of information about how his mind works.
Hey, that might work for you, aren't you a 6'3" guy? I'm a 5'2" disabled 56 year old lady. This kid is a hulk, he hits at me, has injured me in the past, threatened me with knifes, please don't suggest calling the police, they don't do squat. they filed a CPS report on me for calling about him.
Nope, all I can do is let him get away with whatever he wants, I figure when others get sick enough of it perhaps they will file reports, then charge them with child abuse!
He hits you?
You know, you're right. I didn't know the situation placed the physical power in his hands. I thought we were talking about a wet behind the ears kid, maybe sixteen.
If he seriously threatens you with knives and is physically abusive, then putting him in military school would be the best solution for your son and family. Your daughter should not see her brother treat their mother so.
I'm the 5'4" grandmother that was hit between the eyes with a flip flop connected to a foot (thank God she didn't have heels on) -she fell I was trying to help her up and WHAM!! my husband said its a good thing he didn't see it happen - he is 6'3" otherwise he would be the one carted off to jail-instead he called her mother, she called the sheriff's dept. the deputy got in her face- she never showed the least amount of fear (I was shaking-just having him in the house) The deputy asked me to press charges- I could not bring myself to do that-maybe some could but I could not - the thought of her in hand cuffs would be more than I could take at that time.
We agreed to meet her mom at the ER & see if her medication was making her loopy ~at 3:00 am my husband and I headed home-I cried all night as I cleaned up the broken glass Christmas ornaments, the mess out of the closet and bagged it up as she headed for mental ward.
When I walked outside the sun was coming up, with its beautiful pastels- its almost like God spoke to my heart and said I've seen your tears, I've heard your cries in the night - you were never alone. With that I found peace in the midst of the storm -not to say its been easier but He has been Faithful.
Children are manipulative creatures by nature. They learn from cause and effect.
If a child learns from an early age, screaming and force will get them what they want, they will use screaming/force to obtain their goals. As they get older, their behavior has to increase in order to obtain the same reaction from others because, quite frankly, the adults grow used to the behavior and screams no longer elicit the same reaction. The child, at this time is older and has learned that the 'system' in place to protect children from abuse can be manipulated into striking fear into their caregivers. These children use this fear until it no longer is a threat. By this time, the child is a mid-late teen and physical strength is on their side.
So many parents think it is cute for a toddler to put their hand on their hip and say 'no'. This is where it starts. That child learns that being defiant will get them not only what they want, but approval from the caregiver.
Parents are afraid they are going to hurt their child's self-esteem by being a PARENT that they choose not to punish poor behavior, thus creating an entitled child, who will become an entitled teenager, who becomes an entitled adult.
Sadly, by the time a child is in his/her teens, not a whole lot can be done by the parents.... it is up to the school of hard knocks to teach life lessons.
When our granddaughter stayed with us for 3 yrs. she was in the regular classrooms, going where we went, church, store - and she received discipline (in the right spot- with the board-actually paddle ) of education as my mother in law puts it.
One evening, After I had, had a medical procedure & was still droggy-her "dad" showed up and undid in (3) days what it took us 3 yrs to accomplish. She was still young and teachable during those yrs [ages 7-10]. I called Soc.Svs. & they said he had every right to claim what was his. I said if something happens to these children - you need to remember this conversation. (At that particular time our grandson was also visiting -he was age 4). This is the same man that had paid -0- dollars of child support, put a gun to their mom/my daughter's head-but he had rights... Three days later he had called the sheriff & wanted to press charges against our granddaughter for breaking his ceiling fan & putting holes in the wall- the sheriff was pretty sharp - he said something to the tune of 'you are wasting our time- the only one tall enough in this rental to do this damage is you'....so the "dad" took her to the Mental Health Bldg & dropped her off & kept the boy. We found out later he beat that little boy with the belt for the least little thing- where was the little guy's rights?
Our granddaughter- I will be the first to admit has her problems -we all do but the system that is in put in place is Not Working. She has been in mental institutions, schools out of county, out of State, foster placement/the court system where we were Not allowed to communicate with her thru letter, phone, e-mail for (90) days at the time & she was not told that it was court ordered, so she thought her family did not care - Now that she is 15, she has pretty much aged out for minors. I am praying that she has gleaned from these experiences - her mom has remarried a very nice young man & they are trying to rebuild their lives-it is still a struggle but I am finding God can answer prayer like nobody's business.
Just when you think things have quieted down.... seems the family took a trip out of state and our granddaughter gave one of the unsuspecting aunts a spill about how mistreated she was- the aunt took the bait and decided to let her ride along with her -stopped by her job -the granddaughter spotted a candy dish on another employees desk.. so she asked for a piece or 2 and the aunt turned her back - Now the jar was empty... got back to the other grandparents house and the aunt relayed the story and of course our granddaughter knew Nothing about this- how dare she accuse her of such!! My daughter said "empty your purse"... "WHY??"..."empty your purse"....GOSH! Nobody believes me!! Out tumbled the candy. So then the aunt starts apologizing and my daughter said 'Why are you apologizing??" She needs to be held accountable, she needs to know what she did was wrong, its called stealing!
What we have decided we have is a 15 year old body -but not a 15 year old mind.
My daughter is at her wits end-we love her unconditionally -but sometimes love is not enough. We will continue to pray that God will intervene.
Tell them to lie to him a few times. The following are all scenarios for your mom...."Sure, you can use the car!" Then make sure the keys are hidden, tell him you can't find them. Then, pull the keys out and take a trip to the store. When he asks why you lied about not being able to find the keys, ask him, "How does that make you feel?...being lied to? When he asks what's for dinner, tell him it's in the oven. When he goes in to get dinner from the oven, tell him, "I lied. There isn't any dinner." When he says, "Why would you LIE about something like that!!!" Tell him, "I'm not lying, I thought dinner was in there!" Later, tell him, "Yeah, but from your behavior, I just figured it was no big deal to lie! Clearly, you think lying IS a big deal...You don't lie to me, I won't lie to you!"
I'd say he needs counselling, but that doesn't always work. If he's a compulsive liar, it's entirely possible that he's simply a sociopath in the making and he'll simply lie to the counsellor as well. Money spent for nothing. My oldest went through that phase....it did nothing but cause problems with him...much of it between his father and I, because his father would buy his lies, never checking on the validity of them..me?...not so much. Guess who he respects now, now that he's older? Yeah, that would be me. Sadly, he thinks dad was just flat out stupid. Of course, that's how he views EVERYONE from his childhood that he lied to and believe him. Go figure.
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Thanks for all the feedback -sometimes its good just to know you're not alone - I recognized the "triangulation" but did not know there was a term for it - thats another thing that comes into this scenario - the family is pitted against one another -it's almost like a power play & the story does get changed just enough to cause kaos.... even between her mother & I. 
