U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 02-16-2011, 02:23 AM
 
Location: Hawaii
2,058 posts, read 2,805,404 times
Reputation: 1572

Advertisements

This is about my moms boyfriend's son. He's 15 and a compulsive liar. He lies about things that don't even matter as well as slightly bigger lies.

some examples:

There is red pop spilled all over the white carpet and a towel with red pop all over it laying on the kitchen chair. He claims he didn't do it. It's obvious it was from him, but he just keeps denying.

He claims he needs this really expensive shampoo because anything else makes his hair greasy. He thinks that's what my mom uses (which he has borrowed a couple times) but she just uses the pump from that bottle and refills it with Suave. She told him that and he still insists he needs the expensive kind. ??? That's an example of one of the lies that doesn't even make sense. If the cheap kind makes your hair feel the best, why do you want a different kind??? You're just exposing your dumb lie even more!

He lied and said the scratch on his dad's car wasn't from him.

He got pulled over but claims that all the cop said was "Oh I thought your tags were expired. Now that I see they aren't, never mind. Sorry about that." My mom and I are thinking there's a hidden ticket somewhere that's gonna pop up in the future...

He asked his dad if he could use my mom's car and he said yes if you put gas in it because it's almost empty and she has an appointment in the morning. He said ok. When my mom gets in her car in the morning it's on e. She asks him if he put gas in the car and he said yes. Even though that's pretty much impossible, he still claims he did it. Why is it on e then? He says nothing.

He eats the leftovers that my mom brings home from going out to eat that she wants to save. So she said please at least text me and ask next time. He said ok. He asked about chinese once. She said no, so he ate all the chicken out of it then, you guessed it, lied and said he didn't!

He left out a container of ice cream my mom just bought then put it away totally liquid then lied about it.

His dad just pretty much says every time, "let's give him the benefit of the doubt on this one." Totally oblivious or purposely doesn't want to deal with it?

He tells bigger more elaborate lies that get really bad because he gets tripped up and stops making sense and and starts contradicting himself until you just get embarrassed listening to him. Sometimes the stuff she tells me and the stuff I hear come outta his mouth literally sounds like a 4 year old. Like he's blaming his imaginary friend

How should she react to this?
I told her that if the lie doesn't directly affect her, then just let it be. That's his dad's issue to deal with (not that he will, but that's his own problem). So that's why most of my examples are stuff that affects my mom. He lies all the time about other stuff and eats or ruins his dad's stuff too, so I don't think it's a thing against my mom really. I mean maybe, but I think it's just being selfish and spoiled in general, not really trying to "get" anyone, just get for himself. But when it does affect her directly she doesn't know how to handle it because she doesn't want to make it them against her. So I dunno how to prevent that..?

Thoughts?
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-16-2011, 06:47 AM
 
24 posts, read 20,769 times
Reputation: 16
Sometimes I think the lying becomes a habit and eventually the liar can't tell the difference between the truth and the lie and just lives in denial. The worst part is the recipient of the lies never knows the difference between a lie and the truth and therefore doesn't believe anything anymore which is exhausting. In this case, the Dad has really failed his son and has enabled his sons behavior. I wonder when this all began and why?
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-16-2011, 10:09 AM
 
Location: NC
1,696 posts, read 3,843,986 times
Reputation: 1852
sounds as though there was never any consequence for lying when it first started.

my kids get in more serious trouble if they lie than if they honestly admit their mistake or error.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-16-2011, 12:17 PM
 
Location: Heart of Oklahoma
1,173 posts, read 1,292,828 times
Reputation: 466
If I were your mom, I'd go to the extremes. Don't leave food in the house that she's wanting to save or put a lock on the fridge. I would absolutely NOT let him drive my car - unless the husband is paying for it? If he is, she can't really do anything b/c it's not technically her's.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-16-2011, 12:33 PM
 
Location: Hawaii
2,058 posts, read 2,805,404 times
Reputation: 1572
No, her bf (they are not married) is not paying for her car. If they were married and he was paying for it, it would be their car and she would still have a say in who drives it. And yes, she has stopped letting his son use it. I'm curious as to why you would think he paying for it?? And you think it's ok for her to lose all use of the fridge to prevent him from eating her food? That's kinda b*llsh*t. I also don't think the son should lose all access to the fridge.

cynderella, I also wonder what started this lying and why.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-16-2011, 03:19 PM
 
24 posts, read 20,769 times
Reputation: 16
One word....counseling.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-16-2011, 03:31 PM
 
9,454 posts, read 15,010,253 times
Reputation: 15401
Quote:
Originally Posted by cynderella View Post
One word....counseling.

I've had similar problems with my ds, he just lies to the counselor. He actually called the counseling crisis line and said we were abusing him, a lot of BS, but created a lot of havoc. There's never any consequences to his actions, all it amounts to is us hauling him to more counseling, which creates a need for more counseling, etc. meanwhile, we as parents are compelled to take significant time off work, pay for counseling, etc

Guess we need more counseling
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-16-2011, 06:27 PM
 
24 posts, read 20,769 times
Reputation: 16
Obviously you can't expect the counselors to set the limits for you. Consequences are your job and maybe you haven't found the right counselor that will call your teen out on his bs. Hope you are going to family counseling? We have tried quite a few ourselves. Good luck, sincerely.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-16-2011, 10:35 PM
 
15,287 posts, read 16,828,849 times
Reputation: 15019
Quote:
Originally Posted by thatsong64 View Post
This is about my moms boyfriend's son. He's 15 and a compulsive liar. He lies about things that don't even matter as well as slightly bigger lies.

some examples:

There is red pop spilled all over the white carpet and a towel with red pop all over it laying on the kitchen chair. He claims he didn't do it. It's obvious it was from him, but he just keeps denying.

He claims he needs this really expensive shampoo because anything else makes his hair greasy. He thinks that's what my mom uses (which he has borrowed a couple times) but she just uses the pump from that bottle and refills it with Suave. She told him that and he still insists he needs the expensive kind. ??? That's an example of one of the lies that doesn't even make sense. If the cheap kind makes your hair feel the best, why do you want a different kind??? You're just exposing your dumb lie even more!

He lied and said the scratch on his dad's car wasn't from him.

He got pulled over but claims that all the cop said was "Oh I thought your tags were expired. Now that I see they aren't, never mind. Sorry about that." My mom and I are thinking there's a hidden ticket somewhere that's gonna pop up in the future...

He asked his dad if he could use my mom's car and he said yes if you put gas in it because it's almost empty and she has an appointment in the morning. He said ok. When my mom gets in her car in the morning it's on e. She asks him if he put gas in the car and he said yes. Even though that's pretty much impossible, he still claims he did it. Why is it on e then? He says nothing.

He eats the leftovers that my mom brings home from going out to eat that she wants to save. So she said please at least text me and ask next time. He said ok. He asked about chinese once. She said no, so he ate all the chicken out of it then, you guessed it, lied and said he didn't!

He left out a container of ice cream my mom just bought then put it away totally liquid then lied about it.

His dad just pretty much says every time, "let's give him the benefit of the doubt on this one." Totally oblivious or purposely doesn't want to deal with it?

He tells bigger more elaborate lies that get really bad because he gets tripped up and stops making sense and and starts contradicting himself until you just get embarrassed listening to him. Sometimes the stuff she tells me and the stuff I hear come outta his mouth literally sounds like a 4 year old. Like he's blaming his imaginary friend

How should she react to this?
I told her that if the lie doesn't directly affect her, then just let it be. That's his dad's issue to deal with (not that he will, but that's his own problem). So that's why most of my examples are stuff that affects my mom. He lies all the time about other stuff and eats or ruins his dad's stuff too, so I don't think it's a thing against my mom really. I mean maybe, but I think it's just being selfish and spoiled in general, not really trying to "get" anyone, just get for himself. But when it does affect her directly she doesn't know how to handle it because she doesn't want to make it them against her. So I dunno how to prevent that..?

Thoughts?
First of all, if you know he did something, don't ask him if he did it, just tell him what the consequence is. Do NOT give him the opportunity to lie about it. This is a mistake a lot of us make.

Use moral questions to help him think about the high cost of lying.
If everybody in the family [class] always lied, what would happen?"
How would you feel if I lied to you?

Use books about lying. There are not many that teens will read, but this one below might actually interest him.

The Secret to Lying by Todd Mitchell - it's not just about lying, it's deeper than that.

This article may help explain the developmental reasons behind the lying and give some ideas that help.

Teenagers Lying: Why It Happens and What Parents Can Do | pleasestoptherollercoaster.com (http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2007/05/08/teenagers-lying-why-it-happens-and-what-parents-can-do/ - broken link)

Good luck!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-17-2011, 12:34 AM
 
Location: Hawaii
2,058 posts, read 2,805,404 times
Reputation: 1572
I'm a little annoyed that this got moved to the parenting forum because it's not a parenting issue. My mom is not his parent and is not in charge of punishing him for things. His dad is going to do what he's going to do (nothing most of the time). It's just a matter of what she is going to do in response or to deal with it. Punishing him isn't an option. That's not up to her.
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top