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Old 03-04-2011, 01:07 PM
 
Location: colorado
2,788 posts, read 4,242,895 times
Reputation: 3312

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shysister View Post
I was having a conversation about parenthood with some people and we were discussing the many effects parent's behavior/choices has had on them. A few of them said they didn't appreciate how selfish their mothers and/or fathers were.

Example 1: A guy was raised by his grandmother because he was the product of a affair with a married man. Once the mother realized her child wouldn't breakup the man's marriage, she sent him off to live with his grandmother because she couldn't bare raising him alone while his father lived across the street and was a father and family man to his kids with his wife but would never accept her son. He went through life thinking his dad hated him and didn't want him only to find out 20+ years later when he decided to meet with him that it wasn't that his dad wanted nothing to do with him but that he and his mom were having a affair and his mom basically got pregnant to spite him and tried to force him to choose between her and his family and he chose his family because the mother knew the circumstances from the very beginning and if he had a choice in the matter, he wouldn't have been born. The guy is a pretty successful guy and he has not upgraded his moms lifestyle or do anything special for her because of the resentment he has over how he was created. He resents her for knowingly bringing him into a situation that was not healthy and then pawning him off on someone else to raise because she didn't gain anything through her selfish actions.

Example 2: A gal had both parents married but they only stayed married to keep the family together and she hates that her mother held on instead of divorcing the father. She said her life as a child would have been much better had they divorced rather than them staying married thinking they were doing "what was best" She mentioned that her parents didn't realize her and her siblings were very aware of the lack of love between their parents and despite them trying to make due with the situation, they were very aware of the dysfunction between them.

Those were just a couple examples but basically they all agreed that their parents were selfish in the choices they made and really didn't make choices/decisions in favor of them but for themselves and not everyone need to be parents just because you're able to reproduce. I'm childless and engaged and I think about parenthood a lot and whether or not I really want to be a mother. Years ago it would be no question that I wanted to have kids but now that I've got older and I see the effects good and bad parenthood has been, I really don't know if I want to have children. There is no way to be a perfect parent and in most cases parents try to do what they deem best for there children but after its all said and done its the child who's left with the results of your choices/decisions good or bad.

I've heard people say its selfish to not have children but I also think some people have children for selfish reasons also. So the door swings both ways and I find if a person don't think they have what it takes to give the devotion that's necessary to parenthood, they shouldn't be condemned for choosing not to become a parent. I really don't think everyone is cut out to be parents and having children doesn't automatically make you a good mother/father and their are mothers/fathers who do not have the best interest of their kids. I've had a couple elders tell me if they could go back and do it all over they wouldn't even have kids however it was what you did in those times but now women have choices and they should utilize the advantages that are present now that wasn't back then.

So parents do you think you were/are good parents/mother/father? Is there anything you wish you would have done differently? Do you have children who resent you and what's the reason for their resentment?

Childless women why did you make the decision to be childfree?

I'm very close to my kids, they are over every weekend, my oldest brings his family every weekend and still does family nites with us, he brings his girlfriend and their son, ...yes there were times when they got on my nerves but I loved them unconditionally,
I do things differently than my mom did when she raised me, and I'm sure they will do things differently with their kids too.
Children are a gift from God,
And your right having kids dont automatically make you a good parent lots of parents only want whats best for them not their kids.
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Old 03-08-2011, 07:42 AM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,364 posts, read 50,627,712 times
Reputation: 60290
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shysister View Post
I was having a conversation about parenthood with some people and we were discussing the many effects parent's behavior/choices has had on them. A few of them said they didn't appreciate how selfish their mothers and/or fathers were.

Example 1: A guy was raised by his grandmother because he was the product of a affair with a married man. Once the mother realized her child wouldn't breakup the man's marriage, she sent him off to live with his grandmother because she couldn't bare raising him alone while his father lived across the street and was a father and family man to his kids with his wife but would never accept her son. He went through life thinking his dad hated him and didn't want him only to find out 20+ years later when he decided to meet with him that it wasn't that his dad wanted nothing to do with him but that he and his mom were having a affair and his mom basically got pregnant to spite him and tried to force him to choose between her and his family and he chose his family because the mother knew the circumstances from the very beginning and if he had a choice in the matter, he wouldn't have been born. The guy is a pretty successful guy and he has not upgraded his moms lifestyle or do anything special for her because of the resentment he has over how he was created. He resents her for knowingly bringing him into a situation that was not healthy and then pawning him off on someone else to raise because she didn't gain anything through her selfish actions.

Example 2: A gal had both parents married but they only stayed married to keep the family together and she hates that her mother held on instead of divorcing the father. She said her life as a child would have been much better had they divorced rather than them staying married thinking they were doing "what was best" She mentioned that her parents didn't realize her and her siblings were very aware of the lack of love between their parents and despite them trying to make due with the situation, they were very aware of the dysfunction between them.

Those were just a couple examples but basically they all agreed that their parents were selfish in the choices they made and really didn't make choices/decisions in favor of them but for themselves and not everyone need to be parents just because you're able to reproduce. I'm childless and engaged and I think about parenthood a lot and whether or not I really want to be a mother. Years ago it would be no question that I wanted to have kids but now that I've got older and I see the effects good and bad parenthood has been, I really don't know if I want to have children. There is no way to be a perfect parent and in most cases parents try to do what they deem best for there children but after its all said and done its the child who's left with the results of your choices/decisions good or bad.

I've heard people say its selfish to not have children but I also think some people have children for selfish reasons also. So the door swings both ways and I find if a person don't think they have what it takes to give the devotion that's necessary to parenthood, they shouldn't be condemned for choosing not to become a parent. I really don't think everyone is cut out to be parents and having children doesn't automatically make you a good mother/father and their are mothers/fathers who do not have the best interest of their kids. I've had a couple elders tell me if they could go back and do it all over they wouldn't even have kids however it was what you did in those times but now women have choices and they should utilize the advantages that are present now that wasn't back then.

So parents do you think you were/are good parents/mother/father? Is there anything you wish you would have done differently? Do you have children who resent you and what's the reason for their resentment?

Childless women why did you make the decision to be childfree?
I divorced when my daughter was 8. She has told me how grateful she is that I did so. Her father is an alcoholic, which in hindsight I should have recognized more clearly when I married him, but he definitely got worse and started going downhill for real once she was born. She remembers us fighting all the time and then life being more peaceful once he was out of the house. When he had her for visitation, he was on his best behavior, so she had some good times with him as a child, but now that she is grown, he doesn't make that effort anymore and she sees clearly what it was like to live with someone for whom the bar takes priority over everyone and everything else. I made sure not to put him down in front of her while she was growing up, and I believe that was the right thing. She figured it out on her own.

My mother was self-centered and emotionally immature and my father was a disabled veteran with PTSD. My mother was constantly putting my father down for not paying enough attention to her and behaving the way she thought he should, and so I probably learned from my childhood that this wasn't a good idea. My mother also had this bizarre attitude that putting your children down, especially in front of other adults, was a good way to keep them from thinking too highly of themselves. As a result, we all had self-esteem problems, but all of us treated our children differently--encouraging them and praising them when they did something well and not trashing them when they did something wrong. It worked, because when my mother tried her tactics on our children, they got a little hurt but came to us for reassurance and we had to teach them just to blow off some of grandma's statements. For example, my niece decided to run track, and my mother's reaction was "Look how skinny your legs are--you won't be able to compete in a race." My niece ended up 18th in the state in high school. And when my daughter decided to play trumpet in the school band, my mother told her, "Oh, you won't be able to learn to play a trumpet." She did learn, but decided she liked the saxophone better.
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Old 03-08-2011, 09:48 AM
 
1,078 posts, read 2,211,485 times
Reputation: 1027
I have two grown boys and two younger boys. Every other weekend, the older boys come home and we "as a family" go and do something together. I feel bad for some of the kids in our tiny town as we know most of the kids and know what one's don't have any kind of satisfying homelife. Example: A young boy is involved in scouting. We had our Pinewood Derby last week. His mother is a single mother of two boys. She also does not keep her "love of drugs" a secret and her boys suffer because of it. When it came time for the scouts to bring their cars in the day before the race, low and behold, her son did not have anything done. When I ran into her and told her there would be plenty of people at the weigh in to help her son get his car done, she blew up on me. Telling me that she was a single mother of a 9 year old with ADD and how did "we" expect her "being a woman" to know about tools and cars. I explained that being a single mother had nothing to do with the derby as there are plenty of people in our small town that would be willing to help her son complete his car. I told her to make sure her son was at the weigh in by a certain time and left it at that. Her son was late getting there but not because she made sure of it....she was at the bar. He came in breathless from running and crying asking if he was too late. My husband helped him draw a design, took him to cut his car out and helped him put the weight in it. I then gave him the sandpaper and paint and told him he had to have it painted that night and for him to come by my house the next morning (day of the race) and we would help him with his axels and wheels. His mother called me the next morning yelling at me that his wheels had not been done and what was I going to do about it. I had her send him over. My son (a year older than him), took one look at his car, told him it was "very cool" and offered to help him on his axels. I did not know until later that my son had given him the axels that he had been working on for a week. My son took some axels that he had started on but not yet finished. He showed the boy how to graphite and spin his wheels and axels and told him what time to be at the race. We were very surprised to see the mother at the race with the boy. He took 3rd, my son 4th. He got 3rd place trophy, my son did not. My son was not upset in the least bit even though he has never placed in the local derby. The clinker? The mother came up to me upset because she thought her son should've had 2nd place. My response? "You should be thankful, my son has NEVER won a race here and he gave your son his axels that he worked hard on for over two weeks." "A thankyou is in order, not only to my son but to everyone who filled in for your lack of parenting. You should be beaming over the smile on your son's face instead of being upset with me that your son didn't get a bigger trophy." She called me a not-so-nice name, told her son to walk home, she needed a drink and left. Needless to say, we gave the kid a ride home.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:37 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,364 posts, read 50,627,712 times
Reputation: 60290
Quote:
Originally Posted by magoomafoo View Post
I have two grown boys and two younger boys. Every other weekend, the older boys come home and we "as a family" go and do something together. I feel bad for some of the kids in our tiny town as we know most of the kids and know what one's don't have any kind of satisfying homelife. Example: A young boy is involved in scouting. We had our Pinewood Derby last week. His mother is a single mother of two boys. She also does not keep her "love of drugs" a secret and her boys suffer because of it. When it came time for the scouts to bring their cars in the day before the race, low and behold, her son did not have anything done. When I ran into her and told her there would be plenty of people at the weigh in to help her son get his car done, she blew up on me. Telling me that she was a single mother of a 9 year old with ADD and how did "we" expect her "being a woman" to know about tools and cars. I explained that being a single mother had nothing to do with the derby as there are plenty of people in our small town that would be willing to help her son complete his car. I told her to make sure her son was at the weigh in by a certain time and left it at that. Her son was late getting there but not because she made sure of it....she was at the bar. He came in breathless from running and crying asking if he was too late. My husband helped him draw a design, took him to cut his car out and helped him put the weight in it. I then gave him the sandpaper and paint and told him he had to have it painted that night and for him to come by my house the next morning (day of the race) and we would help him with his axels and wheels. His mother called me the next morning yelling at me that his wheels had not been done and what was I going to do about it. I had her send him over. My son (a year older than him), took one look at his car, told him it was "very cool" and offered to help him on his axels. I did not know until later that my son had given him the axels that he had been working on for a week. My son took some axels that he had started on but not yet finished. He showed the boy how to graphite and spin his wheels and axels and told him what time to be at the race. We were very surprised to see the mother at the race with the boy. He took 3rd, my son 4th. He got 3rd place trophy, my son did not. My son was not upset in the least bit even though he has never placed in the local derby. The clinker? The mother came up to me upset because she thought her son should've had 2nd place. My response? "You should be thankful, my son has NEVER won a race here and he gave your son his axels that he worked hard on for over two weeks." "A thankyou is in order, not only to my son but to everyone who filled in for your lack of parenting. You should be beaming over the smile on your son's face instead of being upset with me that your son didn't get a bigger trophy." She called me a not-so-nice name, told her son to walk home, she needed a drink and left. Needless to say, we gave the kid a ride home.
You and your son are my heroes for today. What you did for this kid whose own mother doesn't give a rat's ass about him will likely be embedded in his brain for the rest of his life. You showed him that somebody cared about him, and also taught him that there is a different way to be from what he knows.

I hope you are blessed back tenfold.
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Old 03-09-2011, 12:53 AM
 
1,838 posts, read 2,280,485 times
Reputation: 1538
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
You and your son are my heroes for today. What you did for this kid whose own mother doesn't give a rat's ass about him will likely be embedded in his brain for the rest of his life. You showed him that somebody cared about him, and also taught him that there is a different way to be from what he knows.

I hope you are blessed back tenfold.
I will piggy back off this as that was astonishing to say the least
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