U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-22-2011, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,683,229 times
Reputation: 11309

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
Some people are toxic. This is one of them. This person also lives in NYC but far from her but they may have run into each other.

We try not to ask too many questions but one day, her Facebook pic looked so sad - it looked like she had been crying - one of my relatives agreed - and I asked her if everything was OK (in a nice way) and she got it out of me where I had seen the picture and then, I was blocked.
I'm guessing it's a guy and your daughter is involved with him??

I hope she is employed and living well in NYC. It's a brutal place to live in. And it's the LAST place anyone wants to be when having a financial problem.

Besides, a lot of the young crowd is very prone to airing their daily emotions and troubles on facebook, which is not a very healthy thing to do, with 300 friends on board. I bet she has a ton of facebook friends.

Tough spot to be in. If you call her and nag her too much, she'll cut you off totally. So, just try to wait and watch what happens

If my mom detects some trouble, she will call me 100 times within 24 hours. I may have found that annoying 10 years ago. But now I don't. I hope she will mature well. How old is she?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-22-2011, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
4,852 posts, read 8,321,656 times
Reputation: 5483
Smile NYC Living

She is independent on her own, lives alone, has a decent job (finance) even though her degree is in the medical field - she knows we love her - we are just concerned.

She's 26 but is very mature in so many ways but relationships - not so much.

We'll stay out of it but we're concerned (for her).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-22-2011, 09:51 AM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,364,853 times
Reputation: 1944
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
Some people are toxic. This is one of them. This person also lives in NYC but far from her but they may have run into each other.

We try not to ask too many questions but one day, her Facebook pic looked so sad - it looked like she had been crying - one of my relatives agreed - and I asked her if everything was OK (in a nice way) and she got it out of me where I had seen the picture and then, I was blocked.
I wonder why you had to add that you asked her in a nice way.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with other posters. She is an adult now and she needs to make her own choices even if it seems that somebody else is making them for her.

ETA: There are two books called The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence and Protecting the Gift. I read the later but reviewers mentioned that both books are very similar, just that the later contains examples with children included. Anyway, the later discusses teaching children how to use their instincts and how to be assertive (starting as young as 2) which is often discouraged by parents, sometimes unknowingly by requiring children to be nice. It discusses red flags, like men ignoring the word "no" or who try to change a woman's mind.

Last edited by crisan; 02-22-2011 at 10:02 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-22-2011, 10:04 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,683,229 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
She is independent on her own, lives alone, has a decent job (finance) even though her degree is in the medical field - she knows we love her - we are just concerned.

She's 26 but is very mature in so many ways but relationships - not so much.

We'll stay out of it but we're concerned (for her).
Bette, take a step back. She's 26

You sound a LOT like my mother. She still thinks I'm 10 and enters the bathroom when I'm naked LMAO , and demands she helps scrape my backside, becoz I'm doing what she calls "athletic" showers for 5 minutes. Considering I shower three times a day

Don't smother her too much now, she will appreciate you when she is in her 30s. Besides, stop giving her money and fixing her problems. That might give her the pull that she can screw up and take money from mom anyway.

Tread carefully, but, for young people these days exercise the scientology "disconnect" on parents when the latter exercise too much affection in times of trouble. She probably wants to keep her affair private. On the other hand, I hope the guy in question is not a manipulator who steals her money or something or takes her down in a downward spiral.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-22-2011, 11:43 AM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
4,852 posts, read 8,321,656 times
Reputation: 5483
Smile You said it but....

Thanks - I'll try to hold back - give her a lot of room - she's got some wonderful qualities but the other person is a manipulator who, I think, enjoys seeing her weaker than themselves. Like I said, toxic.

Never realized it until this happened in 2007 but looking back, the flags were there and they seem to be there now but not entirely sure. Just a concern in the old gut.

(She knows we would not be happy if this were so).

I do appreciate your comments and I know how hard and hurtful relationships can be and as a parent, you see things they don't but I'll stay out of it. Your comments help.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-22-2011, 08:04 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,683,229 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
Thanks - I'll try to hold back - give her a lot of room - she's got some wonderful qualities but the other person is a manipulator who, I think, enjoys seeing her weaker than themselves. Like I said, toxic.

Never realized it until this happened in 2007 but looking back, the flags were there and they seem to be there now but not entirely sure. Just a concern in the old gut.

(She knows we would not be happy if this were so).

I do appreciate your comments and I know how hard and hurtful relationships can be and as a parent, you see things they don't but I'll stay out of it. Your comments help.
I understand. My mother will probably be your best friend

There's a lot of splendid similarities in the approach and concerns.

Let's just hope this is a passing phase and she rides this person out of her life in time. If you believe in God, pray. That's the best thing you can do, for now
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-22-2011, 08:56 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
4,852 posts, read 8,321,656 times
Reputation: 5483
Smile Thanks for that....

I am - just really love her. Like I said, she has some wonderful qualities but some people bring the worst out. And, I do pray.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-22-2011, 09:00 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,978,939 times
Reputation: 30256
Bette,

You need to quit overly focusing on the guy. You need to quit blaming him. You need to accept that your daughter makes bad decisions sometimes.

You need to empower her. You can't empower her by putting all the blame on him. Doing that makes your daughter a victim.

Victims often continue to be victims because they are powerless to change their choices. Hearing people blame others enables them to continue being victims.

Blame her for her decisions.

I know it sounds harsh but she's not going to learn how to be a stronger person while you are always blaming everyone else for what she has done with her life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-23-2011, 08:07 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,333,321 times
Reputation: 32238
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
your young adult had reinstated communication and maybe more with someone that had hurt her emotionally, physically and financially - and also financially hurt the parents?
You said "physically". Did he hit her? Beat her?

If my daughter was in a relationship where the man hit her, I'd step in. Absolutely. Men (and women) who are physically abusive rarely stop. And it can turn very, very bad very quickly. If she came to me with so much as a bruise I'd do whatever I had to to get her out of the relationship. I'd have her in a safe place so fast your head would spin.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-23-2011, 08:24 AM
 
Location: Denver area
21,143 posts, read 22,112,687 times
Reputation: 35536
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
You said "physically". Did he hit her? Beat her?

If my daughter was in a relationship where the man hit her, I'd step in. Absolutely. Men (and women) who are physically abusive rarely stop. And it can turn very, very bad very quickly. If she came to me with so much as a bruise I'd do whatever I had to to get her out of the relationship. I'd have her in a safe place so fast your head would spin.
Absolutely. Having been in a situation that was headed this way (control issues, bruising), as a parent, you absolutely do what you have to do. My child was still a minor at the time but I cannot imagine being able to stand by if my child (of any age) were being abused. Because she's not a minor and living in another state and not confiding in you about this currently, you are limited. I can't imagine how heartbreaking this is. Best of luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top