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My son is an only child and is the best child at home, public settings when he's with me and/or my husband and public settings with his grandparents, aunts, and uncles. He's a different child at school. Because he is an only child, he's learning the need to share, which is a very hard lesson for him right now. He's quite aggressive at school when someone takes something from him or someone has something he wants. We've encouraged him to inform his teacher(s) if someone takes something from him or if someone hits him. Depending on the day, he will do just that. Other days, he'll take matters into his own hands. The interesting thing is he knows what to do and can articulate it, but in the "heat of the moment" that goes out the window. He retaliates by hitting. I'm a first time parent, and this is stressing me to no end. I'm embarrassed and don't know what to do. How do I get him to understand what he's doing is wrong? How do I channel his aggression?
I would start by determining why your son feels unsafe.
Start by setting boundaries at home. "No, this is my writing pad. This is your writing pad." Many only children are used to adults being very nice to them. They expect this in the real world.
If he asserts himself at home, welcome it gladly but still enforce the rules. Your son doesn't have to be nice or he doesn't have to like they way you do things, but he should respect rules and boundaries.
When I see my daughter hitting her friend, I tell the other friend to tell my daughter, "No hitting." If I see somebody being mean to my daughter, I tell her "Say, No." "Say, wait." "Say, no hitting" and I make sure I am right there.
Well as a parent if my child came home and told me another child hit him, I would say, and I have said, hit him back, and make it hurt.
Papa, don't play that hitting crap.
Unless a child gets hit first, then by all means hit back.
Maybe your son just needs to be explained to that hitting isn't such a great idea, I'm sure he doesn't understand that yet, or that maybe he should tell the teacher.
My son is an only child and is the best child at home, public settings when he's with me and/or my husband and public settings with his grandparents, aunts, and uncles. He's a different child at school. Because he is an only child, he's learning the need to share, which is a very hard lesson for him right now. He's quite aggressive at school when someone takes something from him or someone has something he wants. We've encouraged him to inform his teacher(s) if someone takes something from him or if someone hits him. Depending on the day, he will do just that. Other days, he'll take matters into his own hands. The interesting thing is he knows what to do and can articulate it, but in the "heat of the moment" that goes out the window. He retaliates by hitting. I'm a first time parent, and this is stressing me to no end. I'm embarrassed and don't know what to do. How do I get him to understand what he's doing is wrong? How do I channel his aggression?
Dr Mom, first, this is my opinion only. Some people get defensive when their parenting skills go under fire, I do.
I've learned that a child who hits has learned this behavoir via parents, peers or other family members. Does anyone hit his arm/hand when he does something wrong? If so then he would have learned that hitting is a way to express "you are doing something wrong". What he is doing is only a behavoir, we can change behavoirs!
I also have one child and my wife was an only child (I was the middle boy of three boys).
You should channel his anger/aggression into something positive like martial arts lessons. Martial arts will teach him discipline, respect, and self-control.
As for my opinion on him hitting in school? He should consider himself lucky that no one has clocked him one yet. I know that when I was that age, a boy I used to play with bit me once. I punched him square in the face, he fell flat on his rump, and never EVER bit me again! LOL!
Also, since he is "soon to be 4", I'm guessing he's in a day care setting, not a school. Keep in mind, if his behavior continues, they WILL ask you to remove him from the center. They're not going to allow a child to go around hitting other children.
Sharing is difficult for toddlers and preschoolers even if they have siblings.
Start with taking turns. You can do this with an adult, though it is helpful if you have a playdate with a peer and supervise turn taking games as well.
If he likes *Chutes and Ladders* or *Candyland* try playing these and talking about taking turns. Make it fun. If he likes puzzles, try taking turns putting in pieces. Try sharing out cookies - let him cut and the other child chooses which piece. Have him share stickers with a playmate.
Do realize that it's ok not to share *special* toys though. Usually, I had my kids put their special toys away when friends came over, but then other toys were shared with the playmates.
Help him to put his feelings into words. *I know you really wanted that toy right now, but Danny wants a turn to play too. We can use a kitchen timer to time turns with a toy.*
Share your things with him (ice cream, for example). Use the word share when you do this so he gets the idea that sharing is fun.
Teach him how to trade with other kids. When he wants a toy, teach him to offer a different toy in exchange.
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With the hitting, the preschool needs to deal with it since he is not doing that at home. You should talk to him about not hitting. You can read books like Hands are not for Hitting. If you are on the scene, you can hold his hand so he cannot hit when you see him start to go for that. Preschools should be shadowing any child who hits consistently and preventing the act from occurring. If it's just once in a while, the teachers will probably withdraw him from the play area for a short time.
Remember that many children go through this. For some, it is because they don't have the words to express their feelings. For others, it's because they have poor impulse control at this age (they do usually grow out of that). Remember that teaching him not to hit will take some time.
the fact that your son is very good at home and with family tells me your child is not really the problem here....unfortunately the school doesn't really have the time to teach him to share, and he will probably continue to have problems,,,you can help him by insisting he shares as much as possible in your home and with your family..Make it a big deal when he shares at home AND when you share with him. with the one on one help he will learn quickly, whereas at school, he's not being watched all the time, he's probably not being corrected immediately when he does wrong....you need to teach him.
I have an only child (also almost 4) and she's had more than her share of episodes in school. I would suggest doing role playing at home and exagerate a little. I sometimes peel a apple in little wedges and ask her if she wants to share a piece. If she says yes (she usually does) I thank her so much and praise her willingness to share. At the same time I ask her not to use her hands, we use our words. I don't see the "toys being taken" because she has no siblings...but sometimes we're drawing on a book and she pushes my hand away saying she wants to do it herself...well...I go back and tell her to say it again, telling her she hurt my feelings when she pushed me away. I ask her to say it again with her words and not her hands. After practicing one more time she follows the rules. Reminders seem to help, but you need to be consistent (you, or any other care taker - get your other half and teachers, nanny, etc to be on board).
We're seeing a child psychologist and she has given me a few tools to work with my daughter's impulsiveness and inattention. One thing that may work for you would be having a goal chart. Take 2 or 3 things that are absolutely important for your son to do (e.g. I will use my words and not my hands, I will be a good listener and hold my words during story time). The purpose is to give the child many opportunities to do well. When they do well, you reward them with a sticker on the goal chart. At the end of each day we look at our goal chart and talk about why she got stickers and why she didn't. Another thing you can do is treat the child to a special activity, ice cream, etc.
Keep us posted. I'm definitely interested in this topic and what other people have to say as well.
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