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My post did sound a bit too aggressive and probably went straight to advice that was meant for boys who are aggressive as well, something that I encountered often where I grew up. It was just my personal experience and I will not feel sorry about giving the advice.
Nobody is asking you to feel sorry for the previous advice. It just seemed totally irrelevant because the OP has not indicated that this boy is aggressive at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan
He has to learn that it doesn't always end up that way and your daughter can tell him by still being nice. For example, when he offers to do something for your daughter, like hang out, she can politely turn it down. He needs this experience.
That's the best way to handle it. I assure you that he will have the experience someday with someone.
The OP doesn't even knows for sure that her daughter doesn't want to hang out with him. But politely turning down invitations is the best way to handle it if she doesn't even enjoy being friends with him. It solves the problem without burning bridges. In ten years, this guy might not be a nerd. I can't tell you how many times I've heard older teens throughout my life regret judgements they made about other kids when they were younger. If people aren't mean or abusive, there's no reason to treat them badly. That's what they regretted doing when they were older.
Nobody is asking you to feel sorry for the previous advice. It just seemed totally irrelevant because the OP has not indicated that this boy is aggressive at all.
That's the best way to handle it. I assure you that he will have the experience someday with someone.
The OP doesn't even knows for sure that her daughter doesn't want to hang out with him. But politely turning down invitations is the best way to handle it if she doesn't even enjoy being friends with him. It solves the problem without burning bridges. In ten years, this guy might not be a nerd. I can't tell you how many times I've heard older teens throughout my life regret judgements they made about other kids when they were younger. If people aren't mean or abusive, there's no reason to treat them badly. That's what they regretted doing when they were older.
Yes, I now see that it was irrelevant but I said that for the .
People come to open forums with totally different experiences and if we can't politely question their assertions or advice, how are we to communicate to people who are different than us?
Thank you for clarifying why my solution was the best way to handle it. A POV I never consider. Some people honestly don't know this because they are so used to encountering people who take advantage of their niceness.
I see now that I am now thinking on the right track. Thank you OP for sharing your personal experience with us.
Most people have this experience eventually. I don't think you need to do anything unless your daughter asks you to do something. They will probably figure this out on their own. This kind of stuff continues to happen throughout the teen years. The real key is to be aware of it and be there to help if they ask for it. But my advice is that as long as your daughter is willing and able to manage the situation on her own that you let her try.
It's amazing how kids can be friends with people who seem like such a mismatch for them. It's all ok as long as the kids are happy and well adjusted. As long as she remains happy and is not upset by this boy's attention I would leave it be.
Girls of the OP daughter's age can be very non-assertive. I would suggest the OP ask her daughter if this guy's hanging out with her bothers her. If yes, I'd talk to her about saying, "Sorry, I can't hang out today. I have plans". The "plans" can be to do her homework or make her bed; it doesn't matter. Eventually he will get it. If no, but you sense she doesn't want her other friends to know about their friendship, then a different talk is in order.
Ok, when does a parent get involved? My 13 year old has a boy who is just smitten with her hanging around. She's told him she only likes him as a friend but he doesn't seem to be taking the hint. She's too nice not to talk to him when he comes over (they hang out in the back yard).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
I'm really starting to feel bad for the boy. He really likes her and she just doesn't like him back that way and I'm afraid the fact she will talk to him when he comes over is being taken to mean more than it does. The boy is also 13 and had a crush on her when they were both 9. It was cute back then. It's not cute now.
In my opinion this is a key moment in her life. She will need to learn how to handle this or she may believe she has to remain in situations she isn’t happy with (imagine how this can look at 25 years old).
Work with her to tell him that he is crowding her. Offer words to say and also offer to be close by when she does tell him to give her confidence and support. We will not always be there to assist in these situations so I think this one will count as a good lesson for future events.
Good luck!
My wife and I walked our daughter through a similar issue. The boy became a bit obsessed after the rejection and started to call several times (for just under a week) a day to say “this is your last chance!” We called his parents during school hours to discuss his almost threatening messages so they would know what was going on. We even let the parents listen to the messages so they could hear firsthand what their son was doing. The four of us decided to wait for one more week to allow “Mr Wrong” to cool off and let go of his ill behavior. After the issue was a few weeks old we received a phone call from the parents letting us know they did speak to their boy about how inappropriate his behavior was. Hopefully both learned a lesson. I know my daughter did.
I wanted to come back to this because I had been thinking about it. The thing is, I like being nice because I choose to be, not because I don't want to burn bridges. If a person can't handle being turned down, even nicely, consider the bridge bombed by the rejected person (unless they grow up.)
I wanted to come back to this because I had been thinking about it. The thing is, I like being nice because I choose to be, not because I don't want to burn bridges. If a person can't handle being turned down, even nicely, consider the bridge bombed by the rejected person (unless they grow up.)
I only mentioned the "burning bridges" for those who chose to be mean. There are some very mean people who have no regard for the feelings of others. Those are the people who need a lesson in burning bridges. I like being nice all the time, not just on occassion, in this type of situation. I've never seen a reason to turn someone down harshly. There's always a way to take other people's feelings into consideration. But some people prefer to think of themselves and their own feelings or fears, for whatever reason. Burning bridges isn't the only factor, just one I mentioned. I'd feel responsible if an emotionally unstable person committed suicide because I turned them down meanly. Sure, their mental health isn't my fault, but I feel society has a responsibility to be kind to all types of people. That can be accomplished while still maintaining healthy boundaries. A person doesn't have to be mean to have boundaries.
Boys do not get hints.
She needs to be clear (not rude) in the way she communicates.
Mind you this is all so much easier if the boy has to ask your permission to go out with your daughter but that is out of fashion these days.
Girls this age don't get hints either.
My son's arms were being bloodied by a girl in his classroom who was confusing being aggressive, annoying and hurting boys with flirting. I asked around, but no one seemed to know her mother. So, I called the school counselor.
Yep, I'm sure the girl was embarassed, but at least she stopped bloodying the arms of my son with her little fingernails. She still sends him little notes, manages to sit next to him during every class assembly and has apparently told the other girls in their class that he is "hers".
This happens to him about every other year - he's a really good looking kid and super sweet too and smart too.
I only mentioned the "burning bridges" for those who chose to be mean. There are some very mean people who have no regard for the feelings of others. Those are the people who need a lesson in burning bridges. I like being nice all the time, not just on occassion, in this type of situation. I've never seen a reason to turn someone down harshly. There's always a way to take other people's feelings into consideration. But some people prefer to think of themselves and their own feelings or fears, for whatever reason. Burning bridges isn't the only factor, just one I mentioned. I'd feel responsible if an emotionally unstable person committed suicide because I turned them down meanly. Sure, their mental health isn't my fault, but I feel society has a responsibility to be kind to all types of people. That can be accomplished while still maintaining healthy boundaries. A person doesn't have to be mean to have boundaries.
Hopes, people commit suicide because they are rejected whether nicely or meanly. They have no idea how to socialize but I do see your point.
This 8 year old girl ran up to me and my daughter as soon as we entered the park. We had never seen her before. She asked my daughter who is just turning 2, "May I see your baby?" My daughter just looked forward not knowing what to do. I asked my daughter "Do you want to share?" She did not answer. I told the girl nicely, "I think she wants to keep her baby a little longer."
Later that girl lashed out at another toddler for touching the wheel on her bike. She screamed "Mine! Mine! Mine!" I felt bad for rejecting her earlier.
Later I asked her if she would like to see the baby. She just turned away from me.
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