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Old 02-26-2011, 08:58 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,702,140 times
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Ok, when does a parent get involved? My 13 year old has a boy who is just smitten with her hanging around. She's told him she only likes him as a friend but he doesn't seem to be taking the hint. She's too nice not to talk to him when he comes over (they hang out in the back yard).

I'm really starting to feel bad for the boy. He really likes her and she just doesn't like him back that way and I'm afraid the fact she will talk to him when he comes over is being taken to mean more than it does. The boy is also 13 and had a crush on her when they were both 9. It was cute back then. It's not cute now.
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Old 02-27-2011, 12:15 AM
 
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Does she not enjoy being his friend? If not, why did she tell him that she likes him as a friend?

If she does like him as a friend, I think it would be aweful to encourage her to not even talk to him.

My children (boy and girl) both had opposite sex friendships that have lasted their lifetime.

These friendships have actually stood the test of time much longer than some of their same sex friendships.

When they got to be older, they benefited from meeting and dating each other's friends---on double dates too.

I remember stages where there were crushes that weren't reciprocated, but they learned to understand that it was just friendship.

Sometimes it seemed that one was holding onto hope, but they really cherished the friendship more than not hanging out at all.

If you feel badly for the boy, don't encourage her to not talk to him.

That would be mean, especially if he's not doing anything wrong and your daughter truly doesn't mind his company as a friend.
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Old 02-27-2011, 04:17 AM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,363,919 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Ok, when does a parent get involved? My 13 year old has a boy who is just smitten with her hanging around. She's told him she only likes him as a friend but he doesn't seem to be taking the hint. She's too nice not to talk to him when he comes over (they hang out in the back yard).

I'm really starting to feel bad for the boy. He really likes her and she just doesn't like him back that way and I'm afraid the fact she will talk to him when he comes over is being taken to mean more than it does. The boy is also 13 and had a crush on her when they were both 9. It was cute back then. It's not cute now.
Ah. I believe this is your daughter's opportunity to learn assertive skills. These are important as they tell somebody that a line (your daughter's line) was crossed after a couple of warnings and now she feels like she can't trust him. This is where your daughter is learning to think for herself (judging people) so you coming in and saying, be nice, is making her go against her intuition.

Get her feelings out. What is her opinion about him when she is alone, safe with you? Discuss boundaries that were crossed.

Your daughter should be nice to people who have respected her boundaries and assertive to those who don't. A person who doesn't get the hint is a person who does not respect boundaries because nobody taught him how to have his own boundaries.
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Old 02-27-2011, 05:15 AM
 
Location: NC
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sounds like a pretty normal thing... i see no reason to worry, unless of course he stalking her or doing creepy things.

if it really bothers her, shell stop hanging around,or come up with excuses not to go out when he comes over.

crushes are part of growing up. no need for parents to get involved unless theres true danger or behavior to be concerned about.
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:02 AM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,447,336 times
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Stay out of it. She will work this out on her own. If she wants your help, then intervene. She may be saying one thing to you...and then another thing to him...you never really know what is going on...even if you think you do...

Same thing happened when I taught school, a girl, same age, was always telling me she hated this boy, but then, why did she eat lunch with him every day? She said he just sat there next to her, I told her she could move, or tell him that seat was for her friend...or she could tell him she did not want to eat lunch with him, but no...it was just something she would "complain" about...even when I gave her suggestions on how to deal with this "problem", so I watched the whole interaction play out, and it was not him all the time, she would make ways of being next to him at school...even when she could have sat across the room from him...so at that age, who knows what is going on, I don't even think they know what is going on with themselves half the time...
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:07 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,702,140 times
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My daughter is the kid everyone wants to hang out with and she, usually, won't tell someone no. In her mind, being mean is worse than hanging out with someone you don't really like. She has a girlfriend she hangs out with she really doesn't like. Her logic is that the girl doesn't have other friends and she doesn't want to hurt her. She realizes she has to choose between two things she doesn't like. Hurting this girl's feelings or hanging out with her when she really doesn't like to. She chooses to hang out with her as hurting someone's feelings is just not my daughter. One of the reasons she's so popular is she puts other people first.

I know she doesn't like this boy as a boyfriend. She's made that very clear. She thinks he's a nerd (she's never told him that but she's said it to me). But she has lots of friends (both boys and girls) she just hangs out with and he's in that group. My concern is he's started coming over by himself instead of just hanging out with the group. So I'm thinking that we're back to him crushing on her.

I just think it's false hope and I don't want to see him hurt but I guess that's part of life. I don't think he's stalking her. They just hang out with the same crowd and I think he really likes her. She's not interested. She hasn't had a crush yet on anyone. She's fine with boys just being friends. She says she doesn't want to date until she graduates from college, like her cousin did. She's a lot like her cousin in that she has lots of friends to hang out with (very outgoing personality). She says she has too much going on to worry about boys right now. I agree but I don't want to see this kid hurt. I think she likes him as a friend and she's too polite to ever tell him she doesn't want to hang out with him as long as it's not creating a problem.
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:12 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan View Post
Ah. I believe this is your daughter's opportunity to learn assertive skills. These are important as they tell somebody that a line (your daughter's line) was crossed after a couple of warnings and now she feels like she can't trust him. This is where your daughter is learning to think for herself (judging people) so you coming in and saying, be nice, is making her go against her intuition.

Get her feelings out. What is her opinion about him when she is alone, safe with you? Discuss boundaries that were crossed.

Your daughter should be nice to people who have respected her boundaries and assertive to those who don't. A person who doesn't get the hint is a person who does not respect boundaries because nobody taught him how to have his own boundaries.
How exactly were boundaries crossed? Since when does "I like you as a friend" mean don't come to my house to visit anymore?

I'm not saying the OP should "come in and say, be nice." I'm actually recommending that the OP doesn't get involved.

She's concerned about the boy misinterpretting her daughter. They'll work it out. They've been neighborhood friends for four years. He's not some stranger.

If she doesn't want to even talk to the boy, the OP does need to help her learn how to establish boundaries without being mean because, from what I've read, the boy hasn't disrespected boundaries AT ALL.
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:14 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,702,140 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Stay out of it. She will work this out on her own. If she wants your help, then intervene. She may be saying one thing to you...and then another thing to him...you never really know what is going on...even if you think you do...

Same thing happened when I taught school, a girl, same age, was always telling me she hated this boy, but then, why did she eat lunch with him every day? She said he just sat there next to her, I told her she could move, or tell him that seat was for her friend...or she could tell him she did not want to eat lunch with him, but no...it was just something she would "complain" about...even when I gave her suggestions on how to deal with this "problem", so I watched the whole interaction play out, and it was not him all the time, she would make ways of being next to him at school...even when she could have sat across the room from him...so at that age, who knows what is going on, I don't even think they know what is going on with themselves half the time...

Good point. I don't make it a point to listen in on her conversations. She has a good head on her shoulders. I do know her group considers him a nerd. Could be she just doesn't want the group thinking she likes him. Or maybe she's just not ready for a boyfriend but doesn't want to write him off just yet. He has been her friend for a while...even though she calls him a nerd when he's not around...

He's just one of those kids your heart just goes out to. Not a happy life. He lights up around her.

Maybe I'll have to take the group to the beach a few times this summer just so I can watch the interactions....
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:31 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
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It sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders. It would be nice if the group could stay intact instead of picking on him for being a nerd. Bill Gates was a nerd. Most musicians start out as band nerds. Nerds are usually very nice people. Popular kids are usually mean. You're blessed to have a daughter who is both popular and thoughtful of others.

My neighbor growing up was considered a nerd. Actually, he was considered gay. I guess nerd wasn't part of our vocabularly back then. He grew quickly. He was tall, skinny and awkward. His voice was very high pitched. He was a nice guy and cute too. Kids at school would say he was gay. I always stood up for him. All of the kids on our street would stand up for him. Of course, he wasn't around when people would comment about him, but if ANYONE ever commented negatively about him, we would always straighten them out and say he wasn't gay, he was a very nice person. I just ran into his mother the other day, he has been married for over 25 years, has five children now, is very successful (CFO of a bank) and I'll bet still super sweet.

It's possible that Jasper is onto something. She could like him because he's a nice person, but she might be struggling with peer pressure of the group thinking he's a nerd at the same time. I doubt taking them to the beach with the group will give you an honest insight into her feelings for him. The group is a powerful influence. You're probably getting a more honest show of her feelings while they are in the back yard without peers.

btw, both of my children said they didn't want boyfriends/girlfriends at your daughter's age. That all changes very quickly in the next couple of years.
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Old 02-27-2011, 08:09 AM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,363,919 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
How exactly were boundaries crossed? Since when does "I like you as a friend" mean don't come to my house to visit anymore?

I'm not saying the OP should "come in and say, be nice." I'm actually recommending that the OP doesn't get involved.

She's concerned about the boy misinterpretting her daughter. They'll work it out. They've been neighborhood friends for four years. He's not some stranger.

If she doesn't want to even talk to the boy, the OP does need to help her learn how to establish boundaries without being mean because, from what I've read, the boy hasn't disrespected boundaries AT ALL.
My post did sound a bit too aggressive and probably went straight to advice that was meant for boys who are aggressive as well, something that I encountered often where I grew up. It was just my personal experience and I will not feel sorry about giving the advice.

Sometimes people are nice because they want something in return. Your daughter does NOT sound like a person like this. She is nice because she wants to be and that is what makes her popular.

I am not suggesting that the boy has sinister intentions. Some people just think that being nice is all you need to do to get what you want, which could be something as innocent as wanting a friend, a mentor or a girlfriend.

He has to learn that it doesn't always end up that way and your daughter can tell him by still being nice. For example, when he offers to do something for your daughter, like hang out, she can politely turn it down. He needs this experience.
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